Things were getting increasingly complicated for Noah; he could barely hold on, and no one wanted to hire a 17-year-old who hadn't finished high school, so his situation wasn't looking good at all. He didn't want to get kicked out of the old apartment he was living in, as he knew he wouldn't be able to find something better or anyone who would trust him to pay the rent on time. Desperation was starting to weigh heavily on his shoulders.
He had been living on his own for a few months since the day he had run away from home, and his savings were running out. He had thought many times about going back home and trying to mend things, but he was afraid of what could happen. Besides, Alister hadn't even contacted him, and he was doubting whether the words Alister had yelled at him before he left were true. Maybe he had misheard. Perhaps the wind had confused him, and Alister hadn't said anything at all when he saw him leaving.
He still remembered how Alister had looked at him before he had started running. He would probably remember it for the rest of his life, and the guilt was eating him alive. He wanted to go back, but he was scared. He knew that if he went back to being with Alister, he would lose himself again, do things he would regret, and probably Alister would end up leaving him again. Nobody could love him for long. Not someone like him. Yet, he needed it so much that he couldn't help but cry and despair. In the first few days, he couldn't even get out of bed, living in a living hell; he had no strength for anything other than crying and wishing that Alister would forgive him and come looking for him. He needed it so much. It hurt so much.
As the days went by and Noah saw no signs of Alister, the guilt of hurting him began to transform into resentment. Slowly, he realized that he hadn't done anything wrong by rejecting him. After all, Alister had done the same thing to him for years, so much so that in the end, he didn't even try because he had lost all hope. He couldn't expect him to suddenly take him into consideration and just do what he wanted. He wasn't his plaything.
Alister was an idiot. Besides, he had never truly defended him against his father. He wasn't even sure anymore if he had protected him at all. In his memories, everything was starting to become blurry and covered in anger, and in those moments, he would simply write with a desperate desire in his diary, so as not to forget.
"Damn Alister," he muttered angrily one day after finishing writing, sitting on the bench in the park near his apartment, where he always went to smoke. "He hasn't even contacted me..."
A pang of pain in his chest made him react.
He was angry because Alister had promised to be with him. To take care of him. And now he was nowhere to be found.
"Damn it, I don't need him. He doesn't want to see me, he could do it, but he doesn't want to. So I don't need him either. Anyway, I knew this would happen. It's always the same. I should be used to it by now. I'm such an idiot, I can barely believe it."
Feeling like he was about to burst into tears at any moment, he quickly stood up, threw away his cigarette, and ran back to his old apartment.
He was tired of everything. Maybe he could get some alcohol later, if he begged the store clerk enough.
When he arrived at the apartment, he started touching his wrist over and over again without realizing it, but when he felt the deep scar, he jerked back.
"I can't. I promised I wouldn't," he murmured to himself, fixing his gaze on a small brown moth fluttering near the window.
Just hearing his own words, he realized how foolish he had been. Alister didn't even care about him, so why worry about him finding out that he had broken his promise?
Angry with himself and with Alister, he headed to the bathroom. He didn't like the reflection he saw in the dirty mirror at all. He looked completely unkempt; his hair was too long and tangled, he had lost weight, and the dark circles under his eyes were deeply marked from so many sleepless nights. He picked up the scissors from a small table nearby, and with trembling hands, he placed them against his wrist.
"I hate you, Alister," tears started falling down his cheeks as he bitterly sobbed, "I really hate you. Why don't you contact me? Why did you leave me alone?"
Snap.
The screen of his cellphone lit up and then turned off. He had received a message.
Hardly realizing it, he dropped the scissors, left the bathroom, and rushed to his bedroom as fast as he could. He could hear his heart pounding loudly and irregularly.
"He won't forgive me... I didn't do anything..." he muttered nervously as he picked up the cellphone and checked the message.
"We inform you that your balance is about to expire. Please..."
He immediately stopped reading and threw the device away.
He was an idiot for thinking that Alister would contact him.
He was fed up.
He stood up and, in one last desperate surge, left the apartment. He would get money, at least for another month. No matter the cost, he was going to survive, just like he always had.