𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐈𝐗𝐓𝐘: 𝐈 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔, 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃𝐁𝐘𝐄
...madalyn dixon...
Nothing lasted forever. That was how the world worked. Things could last a very long time, but forever? No. Trees could stand for hundreds of years, but they still rotted. The earth had survived for years and years, but one day it would also crumble away. Stars lasted the longest, but even they would cease to exist eventually. That was just how everything functioned. Nothing was made for eternity.
Grief seemed as if it lasted forever, but it would fade away with the person it was inside of. Oftentimes, it felt as if it never went away though.
People promised forever, but those promises would always be broken. It didn't matter if that thing lasted a long time, it would never be forever. People died. No one could cheat death. That's the way the world is.
Death was a constant thing. It always had been. Before society fell apart, people died all the time. People were murdered. Sicknesses passed through their bodies before claiming them. Tragic accidents happened. Babies were born without a pulse and with no chance of survival. People grew tired and took their own lives.
Overnight, half the population died. Death was a cruel bitch that left no survivors. Well, that wasn't quite right. It left people alive where they would then have to live with the soul-crushing reality that the people they loved were gone. They were dead, and they wouldn't come back. The survivors lived with their grief until they too were taken by the grim reaper.
Death had picked its next target.
The wrong target. It was cruel and brutal and not at all what was supposed to happen.
Some people were meant to die but not him. Not the fifteen-year-old boy who had his entire life ahead of him. Not the boy who had been shot in the eye and continued living, defying all the odds. Not the boy who had a little sister that needed him. Not the boy who would never see the fall of the man that terrorized them all. Not the boy who read comics. Not the boy who would be leaving behind a girl that was desperately in love with him.
Not Carl Grimes.
Madalyn had witnessed death before. She'd seen some of the most brutal things. It hurt every time, but she had never felt so... numb before.
As soon as those words had passed from Carl's lips, everything shut off inside Madalyn. She'd fallen to the ground and stared at the horrific bite on his abdomen. She didn't feel the sharp rocks digging into her knees. She didn't feel her heart beating. She couldn't hear her breath. The world faded away around her, and she felt nothing.
Somehow she had moved to the side of the tunnel where she was currently. To everyone else, her eyes had glossed over, and she remained motionless. To her, she was falling into the deepest, darkest pit with no sliver of light.
Above them, the ground rumbled from yet another bomb sent by the Saviors. Madalyn barely glanced upward. If she moved too much, reality might set in.
It hadn't yet. She hadn't shed any tears. Truthfully, she believed she was having a very bad nightmare. The worst she'd ever had. Some trick was being played on her because Carl could not be dying. He just couldn't. It wasn't possible.
It was possible. Madalyn just hadn't accepted that yet.
When she caught movement toward the end of the tunnel, she turned her head slightly and saw Rick and Michonne moving among the Alexandrians. They scanned over the people, clearly seeing who made it and who didn't. Madalyn forced herself to look away and gaze at Judith across the tunnel from her.
How was Madalyn supposed to look Rick in the eyes after being there when his son was bit? If she'd had her sword, she would've been able to save him.
Within a minute Rick and Michonne made it down the tunnel. Madalyn could feel both of them looking at her, but she refused to meet their faces. If she did, she might start crying. And if she started crying, she didn't think she'd ever stop.
They saw Siddiq, then Carl's voice broke the silence. "I brought him here."
He sounded even weaker than he had not ten minutes ago.
Rick moved toward Carl and crouched down in front of him. "That's how it happened," Carl added before lifting his shirt and revealing the bite on his stomach.
Michonne fell to her knees the exact same way Madalyn did. Rick visibly deflated and shook his head almost as if he didn't believe what he had just seen. Madalyn was all too familiar with the belief.
Madalyn still didn't cry. Though she felt the onslaught of tears that would surely make an appearance soon enough.
~*~*~*~
"What'd you say her name was?" Madalyn asked as she looked down at the little pig rolling around in the mud.
"Violet," Carl replied. "My dad said I shouldn't name her."
"'Cause we're gonna turn her into bacon?"
Carl's jaw dropped, and he crouched down to cover Violet's ears. "We are not. And don't say things like that in front of her."
Madalyn pressed her hand against her mouth to keep herself from outright laughing. "I'm sorry," she said. "I was just joking." Carl narrowed his eyes at her, clearly not believing her. "Seriously. She's cute. I wouldn't want to eat her."
"I'm still taking you far away from her," Carl declared before he rose to his feet, grabbed Madalyn's hand, and dragged her out of the pen. Madalyn giggled the whole time he brought her through the small field toward the inner fence of the prison.
Madalyn didn't know how she went about life before she met Carl Grimes.
~*~*~*~
Carl's breaths were so incredibly heavy. Madalyn didn't know how the infection worked, but it must be messing with his lungs in some way. People had survived walker bites before. But they were bitten on an arm or a leg. Something that could be cut off before the infection spread. Nothing could save Carl.
Another explosion erupted, sending rocks falling from above them.
"I.. I don't..." Rick tried to say, but the words were clearly painful to say.
"Dad," Carl cut in.
"How―"
"Dad. It's all right. It's gotta be." He sounded so, so weak. He'd always been strong. None of this was right. "I wasn't sure if you'd make it back before... But just in case, you know..." Carl pulled out a small stack of papers. Of letters, Madalyn realized almost immediately. "I wanted to make sure I was able to say goodbye."
Was that what he had been doing while she was with Judith? Writing letters as he was dying?
He held out the letters to Michonne who could only stare down at them, tears in her eyes. Not only was a father going to lose his son, a mother would lose her son as well.
"No. It's them. It's them," Rick insisted. "They- they don't... I wasn't..."
Michonne shook her head as she muttered, "Carl."
"No. No." Rick was on the verge of fully breaking down.
"I got bit," Carl stated with a sad smile. "We were bringing someone back. Madalyn and I." Rick glanced in Madalyn's direction, and she forced herself to look at the ground. Would Rick blame her? "His name's Siddiq. We saw him at that gas station before... It wasn't the Saviors. It just happened."
If it had been the Saviors, Madalyn would at least have someone to blame. She'd have someone to fight. Someone to bring justice upon. But it hadn't been. Madalyn had no one to blame for what happened to Carl. No one but herself. It wasn't her fault, but fuck... it sure as hell felt like it was.
Carl could barely hold himself up anymore. Siddiq offered the cot, and Rick and Michonne carefully moved the teenage boy to lie down on top of it. "Is that better?" Michonne asked as she wiped the sweat from his face.
"Yeah. Thanks," Carl answered.
"I, um, I got these," Siddiq stammered, holding out a pill bottle. "They're over-the-counter, non-steroidal anti-inflammatories. They'll, um... They'll help a little with the fever." Rick and Michonne stared at him wordlessly. "They did for my mom and dad. Please take them." Siddiq's voice broke. "Your son... he should have them."
Madalyn swallowed the lump in her throat and spoke up shakily, "Rick." He turned his head toward her, so much pain in his eyes. "Trust him. He's good." She was barely able to get the words out, but she had to. Siddiq was a good person. She could clearly see how deeply he cared about things and people.
Rick gave a slight nod and took the pills from Siddiq. "You're a doctor?" he questioned.
"I was a resident... before," Siddiq responded.
"Your name is Siddiq?"
"Yes."
Rick turned to Carl. "Did you know he was a doctor? Is that why you brought him back?"
"He wasn't gonna make it alone," Carl said. "He needed us. That's why."
Madalyn didn't think anybody would be able to have a heart as big as Carl's. She rarely ever saw him do anything for himself. He lived and breathed for the people around him. For his little sister. He was dying because he wanted to help a stranger. Madalyn wanted to be angry at him for that, but how could she? It was in his very nature to save people. That was why he was meant to be a leader. To be someone others looked up to.
Why hadn't it been her?
The next explosion was far closer than the others had been. It shook the ground all around them. Larger pieces of rubble fell on the people taking refuge in the sewers. Rick was quick to throw his body over Carl as he broke into a coughing fit.
This wasn't where Carl should... It wasn't where he should spend his final moments. Not in a dank sewer. Not with the fear of the Saviors looming above them all. It should be somewhere quiet. Somewhere peaceful and beautiful. Madalyn didn't know if those types of places existed anymore.
Carl's coughing got worse, and Michonne and Rick quickly went to give the boy water even as the ground continued to rumble. Judith whined as she stared up at the crumbling ceiling. Daryl had stood up, making sure to keep her against his chest should anything happen. Madalyn rose to her feet, her legs shaking, and looked up at the ceiling fearfully.
If this went on any longer, the sewers might collapse entirely. They would all...
Daryl was suddenly at Madalyn's side, wrapping his arm around her. She nearly burst into tears at the small comfort. It was getting harder and harder to keep the tears at bay. She pressed herself against Daryl's side as they waited for the explosions to die down just a little.
Michone turned around with fury and grief in her eyes before she marched toward Dwight―and Nick by extension. "Make it stop!" she demanded. She grabbed Dwight and threw him against the wall. "Make them stop."
"I can't," Dwight said.
"You can. You're one of them. You both are." She pointed a look at Nick. "They'll listen to you. Please."
Neither Dwight nor Nick said anything. Madalyn wanted to be angry at both of them, but she still could barely feel anything at all.
Ever since Madalyn had been reunited with Nick, she saw him move with confidence. He had a huge ass ego, and he always seemed lively. But now, his shoulders were slumped. He cast his gaze downward and had his arms crossed tightly against his chest. Madalyn noticed him glance down the tunnel where Carl was, and he breathed out shakily before moving his gaze to the ground again.
She wasn't sure what to think about that.
Rosita stood up and approached Michonne, gently laying her hand on the woman's shoulder. "You said that Hilltop's safe, right?" Rosita asked Dwight.
"Yeah."
"We need to get everybody there," Rosita declared. "We can get Carl there."
"And they think all of you got away in the woods," Dwight shot back. "They're out there, looking."
"They saw us go west, so we won't go west," Tara stated.
"Your best chance is to stay here until they're gone."
"Man, shut up," Nick snapped. "There's a kid dying down there. I know you don't give a shit, but everyone else does. This ain't a place for anyone to die, especially someone as young as him. And he doesn't have much time left."
Madalyn couldn't listen anymore. She buried her face into Daryl's shoulder, clutching onto his shirt.
Carl wasn't dying. He just couldn't be. It didn't make sense. None of it made sense.
Madalyn wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
~*~*~*~
Gentle knocks came from the other side of the door. "Come in," Madalyn called without taking her eyes off the book she was reading. The stars were bright in the sky. Night was the only time Madalyn was able to rest since preparations for the war were still in full swing.
Her door opened, and Carl stepped in. A smile grew on Madalyn's face as she shut her book and placed it to the side. He crossed the room and joined Madalyn on the ground. They still hadn't gotten any mattresses from when the Saviors took them all.
Carl said nothing, staring down at his hands. Madalyn's smile quickly fell, and she reached out to grab his hand. "What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.
He squeezed her hand, then pointed to his bandaged eye with the other.
"Is it hurting?" Madalyn said.
"No." Carl sighed and turned his face away from her. "I just... Do you want to know why I always keep it covered?"
"Because you don't want it to get infected?" she offered.
"Because I hate how it looks."
Realization dawned on Madalyn. She rubbed her thumb along his knuckles as she tried to gather up some words to comfort him. Maybe words weren't what he needed.
"Could you look at me?" she inquired softly. He did, albeit hesitantly. Madalyn leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on Carl's bandage. His eye widened in shock as a fate blush spread on his cheeks. Madalyn was sure she was blushing too. "I think you're perfect. Your eye doesn't change that. It shows that you're alive. That you survived."
"It's ugly and gross, though," Carl argued.
Madalyn shrugged. "Okay? That doesn't change how I feel about you. If people say it's ugly and gross, let me know. I'll beat their asses."
Carl chuckled lightly, and Madalyn smiled. His joy alone brought Madalyn happiness. If she lived only to make Carl happy, then it would be a good life.
~*~*~*~
Madalyn held Judith against her chest as Daryl and some others went up to see if the Saviors had left yet. The explosions had stopped, but that didn't mean the bastards weren't still up there. Madalyn rested her chin on top of Judith's head as she chewed on her bottom lip. She would pick at her fingers, but she couldn't exactly do that with a toddler in her arms.
Carl wasn't any better. The pills had worked a little, but as the minutes passed, he only looked paler and weaker. Madalyn tried to keep herself from looking at him.
Madalyn glanced down at Judith before slowly walking toward Rick. Without a word, she carefully handed Rick his daughter. He needed her right now. Far more than Madalyn needed her. Rick and Madalyn shared a look, but before Rick could say anything, Madalyn walked away and sat down on the side of the tunnel.
Eventually, they came back down. The Saviors had left. Now it was time to go.
Michonne went up to Rick, and he stood up with Judith in his arms, taking a step away from Carl. "The Saviors are gone," she informed him. "We can get everyone to Hilltop. We can get Carl there." Madalyn knew she shouldn't be listening, but she did anyway.
"Carl? No," Rick replied.
"Daryl can get one of the cars."
"Carl won't make―" Rick cut himself off before he could say it. Madalyn pressed her hand against her mouth, fighting back tears. Her throat burned from keeping them at bay. Usually, she'd let herself cry. But now... She couldn't cry right now.
"He can't leave here," Rick continued, sounding so tired. "I have to stay with him."
"Rick," Michonne tired.
"He can't. I have to stay."
"We'll both stay," Michonne concluded.
Rick breathed out shakily. "Will you... Will you take Judith? She needs to be there. If she... If anything..." Rick nearly broke down right then and there.
"I'll take her," Daryl offered. "I'll get her there. I'll keep her safe. I got this."
"Let me say goodbye," Carl breathed out. Michonne helped Carl sit up, and Rick crouched down, resting Judith on his knee. Madalyn couldn't see Judith clearly from where she saw, but she was fairly certain the little girl was smiling softly at her brother.
"You be good, okay?" Carl began, his sole focus on his baby sister. "For Michonne. For Madalyn. For Dad. You gotta honor him. Listen when he tells you stuff. You don't have to always. Sometimes, kids gotta show their parents the way."
That shattered Madalyn. That had the tears rushing to the surface, and she couldn't stop them this time. They cascaded down her cheeks, nearly making her choke with sobs.
Carl grabbed his hat. The sheriff's hat. He smiled sadly as his breaths continued to grow heavy. "This was Dad's before it was mine. Now it's yours." Judith frowned. She was so little that she might not understand anything he was saying. Or she might. Maybe not exactly, but she knew none of this was good. "I don't know... Just... Just having it and... It always kept Dad with me. It made me feel as strong as him. It helped me. Maybe it'll help you, too."
"Before Mom died... she told me that I was gonna beat this world. I didn't. But you will. I know you will."
Judith whined as tears welled up in her big, bright eyes. She fully started crying, and Rick grabbed her, giving her to Daryl. Her cries pained Madalyn's heart. She might not ever remember her big brother.
Daryl looked at Carl and said, "These people. You saved them all. That's all you, man." Carl nodded lightly.
Madalyn brought her knees against her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Why wasn't she waking up yet?
Siddiq tentatively stepped toward Carl, kneeling down beside him. "You were helping me honor my mom," he started.
"Not just yours," Carl interrupted. "Mine, too."
"You brought me here. You gave me a chance. I know I can never repay you... but I can honor you... by showing your people, your f-friends, your family that what you did wasn't for nothing. That it mattered. That it- that it meant something. Because it did. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna honor you, Carl."
Carl smiled as a tear ran down his face. He held out his hand for Siddiq to grab onto as he stated, "Congratulations. You're stuck with us." Siddiq nodded, then stood up. He gave one last look at Carl before moving down the tunnel after the others.
There were so few people left. Carl, Rick, Michonne, Madalyn. Daryl was near the ladder, waiting for Madalyn. Nick was there, too. But she didn't want to move. She couldn't.
"Madalyn." Carl's weak voice reached her ears. It took every ounce of strength for her to turn her head. He gestured her forward, and who was she to deny him? She stood up on unsteady legs and stepped toward him. She practically fell down on the cot beside him. His eye searched her face as he reached out to hold her hand.
"You have to go," he said.
"No. No, I can't," she cried. Everything fucking hurt. It was so much worse than physical pain. "I... I'll stay with you. Until the very end. I... Please. I can't leave you."
"You have to," Carl insisted. "You have to look after Judith. She needs her big sister."
Madalyn choked back a sob. "I'm... I'm not her sister."
"Yes, you are. You are in every way that matters. You need to keep her safe. You need to do what I won't be able to."
Madalyn felt her entire world fall apart. She closed her free hand into a fist, her nails digging into her skin. Honor him. He needed her to look after his baby sister. She needed to be there for Judith. She needed to tell the little girl stories about her big brother. She had to look after her.
Madalyn nodded. "I'll keep her safe. I promise," she declared.
"I'm so glad I knew you." Carl smiled despite the fact he was dying. "I met you right when I needed to. You're so good, Madalyn. Don't... Don't hide it away. People need you... and your goodness. Don't give up. Okay? I don't... I don't want to be reunited with you too soon."
Painful sobs broke free from Madalyn's throat as she leaned forward to press her forehead against Carl's. That all seemed nearly impossible. She couldn't think about it right now. She had to think about Carl.
"I..." She shuddered. Then for the first, last, and only time, she said, "I love you, Carl. So much. So so much."
Carl carefully placed his hand on her cheek, wiping away some of the tears. He closed the already small gap between them and kissed her softly. It was so painfully different from all the other times. This time... this time she knew it was a goodbye kiss. When they pulled apart, Madalyn cried harder.
"I love you," he said. "Remember who you are. Remember your worth."
Honor him.
She nodded as her lips trembled. This was it, wasn't it?
She brought his hand to her lips and gently kissed his knuckles. Everything told her to stay right where she was, but she moved back and stood up. Carl nodded reassuringly.
"I love you," he repeated. "Goodbye."
She openly wept. She could hardly breathe, let alone say anything else. Carl seemed to understand that.
I love you, goodbye, she mouthed.
Madalyn slowly took a few steps backward before she turned around. She walked away from Carl for the last time. She held her arms around her stomach as her shoulders shook. Rapidly, it was getting harder to breathe. Her chest ached unbearably. She continued onward, though.
Don't give up.
In another lifetime, Madalyn Dixon and Carl Grimes lay side by side in an open field. Their hands were intertwined. The sun shone down upon them. They worried not about responsibilities or wars or death. There, it was only the two of them. They laughed and joked. They had picnics with Judith. They looked at their future with anticipation. In that lifetime, they had nothing but time and each other.
There, they were Madalyn and Carl.
Here, it was just Madalyn.
~*~*~*~
𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞
i am so very sad
I'll miss writing you, carl. i've always loved you and you deserved so much better than what amc gave you. you deserved to watch your little sister grow up. you deserved to meet your little brother. you'll always have a place in this story and i won't forget you. love you, carl. rest in peace
this drained me so much. madalyn's chapters for basically the rest of season 8 are very depressing. she's not happy for a long time. she'll have some happiness in my original chapters before season 9 though
𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈!