I press my toes deeper into the wet grass as I look out at the grounds around me, the sun rises slowly at the very bottom of the garden creating a blinding light burning in my eyes. The morning dew glazes the grass and the hedges around me. A stone bench to my side has a large cobweb attached to it which has droplets of water stuck to its threads. Everything is highlighted by the presence of the dampness in the air. The grounds seem greyer and clearer at the same time, the morning has a sharp, new quality to it.
I sigh heavily and see my breath turn to steam as it hits the brisk morning air.
"Angelica?"
I turn around and look back towards the manor.
The shine casts a soft yellow glow on Draco as he stands at the top of the small steps leading down into the garden. His white sleeping t-shirt hangs from his body showing his chest, his left hand is shoved deep into his black pyjama bottom pocket as he raises his right hand over his eyes shielding his vision from the rising sun.
"Morning" I wrap my arms around myself as I turn back to face the garden.
Draco let's out a long sigh as he walks down the stone steps leading into the large grass lawn "you couldn't sleep again?"
He stands besides me a half metre of space between us.
"No" I bite down on my bottom lip as I try to ignore the tension between us, he is right besides me and yet it feels as though he is miles away.
"I've told you, come sleep in my room. It's more comfortable than the guest rooms, and I'll be there. You may sleep better if you're with me in bed." Draco let's out a long breath as he turns his head towards me "just come back to bed with me now, please."
I shake my head "I can't." I avoid his eyes as I focus on the rising sun "I don't want to keep you awake, I just toss and turn or have nightmares."
"I don't care" Draco steps in front of me now, his tall frame blocks the sun instead it shines around him illuminating his blonde hair. "I need you as well, I need you in my bed so I know you're safe otherwise I'm waking up every hour wondering where you are." He reaches his hand out taking a hold of my wrist "please Angelica come back to bed with me."
I look away from his face which is so open and vulnerable. His eyes are swimming with sadness and his face is pale with deep bags under his eyes.
He's in pain.
I step backwards pulling my wrist from his grip "Draco I can't." My voice is barely a whisper as I wrap my arms back around my body "I just need to be alone, I need some time to process everything."
Draco's jaw clenches as he glares at me his face changing to furious within a manner of seconds "it's been weeks. You never leave your room, you stay locked in there all day and then at night you come and stand out here even though it's freezing."
"It's hardly freezing Draco, it's summer."
"Yeah fucking British summer it's hardly the fucking tropics is it?" He raises his voice his eyes full of anger "are you just going to shut me out now? After everything we went through together?"
"We didn't go through it all together though did we?" My voice is cold as I look away from him "I was the one who cast the spell in the end. I'm the one with blood on my hands."
Draco let's out a scoff "you chose to do that. You can't spend the rest of summer hating me because you killed him."
"It wasn't my burden to take on." The words fall from my mouth before I realise. I snap my head back to look at Draco and I slowly see the hurt cross his face before he rearranges it into his signature sneer.
"I didn't mean that" I shake my head "I...Draco I just don't kno-".
Draco holds his hand up silencing me "you did mean it. I've seen it on your face every-time I see you lately." He runs a hand through his hair " it's fine I don't care. Think of me as a coward and a burden, think of me as the reason you're a murderer. I don't care." He steps away from me his face a mask and his voice cold as he glares at me "hate me if you want but just put some fucking socks and a jumper on." His eyes scan me up and down as he looks at the vest top and shorts I am wearing "you're going to get a cold."
He walks back towards the manor barging his shoulder into mine with his face full of anger and sadness.
I sigh as I press my feet deeper into the wet grass, the morning dew is starting to disappear as the sun warms up the ground around me slowly.
I take one last look at the garden and the new day that is beginning before turning and heading back to my guest room in the manor.
I've felt detached from myself everyday since we arrived at the manor. The first night after my father had dismissed us all I had no idea what to do with myself. Draco had led me to his bedroom however I couldn't bring myself to enter it, instead I told him I was tired and just wanted to sleep alone. He showed me to a guest room and said that it's fine and that he will move my stuff into his room for when I wake up.
That night as I was laying in my bed staring up at the dark oak ceiling a heaviness started to crush me. My chest felt as though it was caving in on itself, the pressure become so much that I genuinely wasn't able to sit up for several minutes. By the time I managed to stand up I was gasping for air and sweating, I hurled open the bedroom door and ran to the garden falling to my knees as I reached the grass.
Every night I have felt that same pressure and pain, at night the manor is darker than Privet Drive and Hogwarts ever was.
The darkness here is suffocating.
I look at the mirror in front of me inspecting my outfit, this is the first time in a long time that I have changed out of my pyjamas.
My father had sent word this morning that a meeting would be held at nine pm that night in the Malfoy's portrait room. The letter had appeared on the pillow of my bed when I had returned from the garden, there was little information other than I was to wear suitable clothing for a formal meeting and what time and where it would be held.
Sighing at myself I look across at my black jeans and long sleeved black t-shirt.
"That's not going to be suitable."
I let out a small yell as I turn to my bedroom door with my wand raised and ready. I smile slightly as I see Mrs Malfoy leaning against the doorframe.
"Mrs Malfoy" I put my wand back into my jeans pocket and walk over to her offering her my hand "come take a seat."
Mrs Malfoy who was once so formidable and strong, who once defended me on the platform of nine and three quarters now looks as though she would be knocked over from a gentle gust of wind.
Her hair is tucked into the collar of her jumper which swamps her and hangs loosely over her nightdress. Her jumper has a family crest on the breast of it and due the size of it I realise that it must be Lucius'. Her face is gaunt and pale, her eyes are as round as ever but somehow they appear to be even more round in her small face. She is still breathtakingly beautiful of course whilst looking extremely unwell.
She looks like Bellatrix, this is the first time I can truly see the family resemblance between them. They both have the large brown eyes, Mrs Malfoy's had once shone brightly but now they sit lifeless and empty like her sisters.
I lead her to the arm chair in the corner of my room and step back offering her a sad look.
"How are you?"
She shakes her head "I'm barely alive truthfully dear. My husband is still in that wretched prison, my son is depressed and in unimaginable pain, you are wasting away and losing your mind and I haven't seen any of my friends in over a year." She clasps her hands in her lap "but things could be worse I suppose."
"Could they?" I tilt my head at her "what could be worse?"
Mrs Malfoy offers me a slight smile "we could be poor."
I let out a loud laugh as her words shock me "you reminded me of Mrs Zabini then" I smile "that's something I could imagine her saying."
Mrs Malfoy nods "you know Océane and I grew up together?"
I raise my eyebrows in interest as I sit down on the end of my bed "really? Did you meet at Hogwarts?"
"Oh no we met many years before Hogwarts." Mrs Malfoy leans back into the arm chair "we grew up together. Her mother and my father had met in school and were close friends, between me and you I'm sure they used to date." Mrs Malfoy smiles at me "Océane was a year older than me and I thought she was incredible. She was practically an older sister to me, I wasn't so close to my own sisters growing up I found it hard to bond with them both. Bella was different, she spent time with friends who I never really got along with and Andromeda always had her head in a fashion magazine or was listening to her records.Océane on the other hand always had time for me, I remember we attended a ball my father held one year. She was seven and I had just turned six years old, we spent the whole time sat underneath one of the tables together playing. It was amazing, I felt like we were truly alone and in our own private space. I often think back to just how young and carefree I felt in that moment. "
Mrs Malfoy smiles fondly "when we went to Hogwarts we were both sorted in Slytherin of course, as was our right by blood. Océane always spent her time with me even though she was older than me and had so many of her own friends in her year. As a Black family member I was treated well anyway but the other houses had a lot of hatred for my family and I would often get cornered by people from other houses. Luckily Océane was always nearby to hex them. In fact I would say that she's one of the most powerful witches I know."
"Do you stay in contact?" I ask as I pull my legs up resting my chin on my knee.
Mrs Malfoy shakes her head "not now of course. We did though, before all of this we would host joint garden parties and winter solstice parties every year. Our parties were known by all the powerful wizarding families. People would fight for an invite, it allowed Lucius to get such a good position in the Ministry."
I sigh "you must miss her, I'm sorry that she's had to disappear because of me."
Mrs Malfoy shakes her head "don't blame yourself lovely. You already have the weight of the world and all that guilt on your shoulders, this isn't your fault." Mrs Malfoy stands up slowly "now come with me you need a better dress for the meeting tonight. You can borrow my black velvet cape also."
I follow obediently behind her with my eyes fixed on her back. I close them for a second as I imagine Mrs Zabini and Mrs Malfoy as teenagers together laughing and walking down the halls of Hogwarts together.
Clearly the Zabini's are great friends to us both.