aches & cigar butts
———
Shit it's cold.
It's nearly seven in the evening and we're outside right now, waiting for the bus at the shed and when I say we, I meant me and Caffeine. Suot ko na ang black sweater ko pero nilalamig pa rin ako, hindi ko alam kung sa panahon ba ito o talagang mabilis lang akong lamigin.
I peeked at Caf who is next to me, he is drawing quite the attention since kanina kahit naglalakad lang naman kami. Siguro dahil sa height niya, I didn't even notice how he grew this much eh pareho lang naman kami ng kinakain simula pa nung 7th grade. Or maybe it's because of his appeal that even I cannot deny.
Suot niya ang brown na turtle neck at brown na coat sa itaas nito. Looking at him, para siyang 'yung sa mga Korean drama, it doesn't even look like the cold fazes him at all.
Napatingin siya sa phone niya bago bumaling ng tingin sa akin.
"Nandun na raw sila, tara na," he said and we entered the bus na tumigil sa harap namin.
After some time, nakarating na rin kami sa bar na sinasabi nila kung saan magcecelebrate kuno. When we arrived, there were a lot of people, some are familiar faces, most aren't.
"Hey! Nandito na pala si Nico!" Bati sa akin ni Basil sabay akbay. "I didn't expect you to actually come."
"Well, someone was being persistent about it," sagot ko sabay tapon ng masamang tingin sa katabi ko who just guiltily smiled. "Atsaka, hindi pwedeng kayo lang ang magsaya, I didn't get injured for nothing."
Bahagya siyang natawa sa sinabi ko but tried his best to avoid talking about it. "Oo na, I'll treat you for it sometime but for now, ba't 'di muna kayo maupo?"
Basil led us to the table where everyone has their own cup full of beer. He then turned to the guy next to me.
"Everyone, let us please welcome our MVP, give it up for Caffeine Gavino!"
His dramatic introduction caught everyone's attention and so they all clapped. Hindi naman maiwasang ngumiti ni Caf, of course, he is easily flattered, almost like a child.
Caf awkwardly laughed and rubbed his nape. "Ano ba, nahiya na lang tuloy ako."
Everyone laughed at his reaction as well saka na bumalik sa kaniya-kaniya nilang ginagawa. For a second nawala si Basil sa harap namin but a second later, bumalik na naman niya but this time with a cup of beer in his hands.
"Oh, ano pang hinihintay niyo, take your shots!" he cheered us to drink to which everyone followed.
Caf, without any hesitation, grabbed the cup handle and chugged the liquid that disappeared in an instant, leaving no drop. Everyone went wild after seeing him do that. Napa-iling na lang ako habang patuloy sila sa pag-inom at pakikipagkwentuhan.
I don't really have to worry about Caff, after six years of knowing him, I also know that he can handle his booze well. It may not look like it, pero hindi madaling mapatumba si Caf sa inuman, tested and proven ko na iyan.
On the other hand, I took my cup and had a sip, one after another while listening to them and joining their conversations from time to time. Ilang baso na rin ng beer ang dumaan sa kamay ko at napansin siguro ito ni Caf that he leaned to say something.
Unfortunately, sobrang ingay ng paligid from the voices of these people to the loud bass of the music, na hindi ko narinig ang sinabi niya.
"Ano?" pasigaw na tanong ko nang may kunot ang noo. "Hindi kita marinig!"
I pointed at my ears to hopefully get through him which did nang mas lumapit pa ito sa tenga ko that I can almost feel his breath next to my face. It felt hot, probably because of the alcohol, he reeked of its smell. Sa amoy pa lang ay alam ko nang naparami na rin ang na inom niya but he's acting just fine other than that his face turns red with alcohol.
"Don't drink too much Nics, ayaw kita buhatin pauwi," he shouted at my ears but it sounded like a whisper with all the noise going on around us. "Ayaw mo naman sigurong maulit 'yung nangyari last year diba?"
His questions brought back memories that I no longer want to remember. It was the first time we drank together, we just sneaked in some drinks sa bahay nila pero siguro dahil first time namin iyon ay mabilis akong nahilo at nalasing. He then brought me home the next day because I can't be caught by my mother nor sister drunk. Buti na lang ay nakalusot kami that time.
"Shut up!" sigaw ko pabalik. "Huwag kang pakampante, baka bumalik 'yan sa'yo!"
He laughed at it but said nothing hanggang sa napuno na naman ulit ang mesa ng mga inumin. Just staring at it somehow makes my head spin. Baka nga lasing na ako.
I stood to leave the table and get some fresh air but Caf stopped me. He held on to my wrist and looked up. His eyes were looking drowsy but there was life in it at the same time questions. "Saan ka pupunta?"
"Sa labas, magpapahangin lang," I told him but he didn't let go, instead, mas humigpit pa ang hawak niya sa akin. I heaved a breath and added, "It's just quick, I'll be back."
He hesitated for a second pero binitawan din niya ako and I was finally able to leave that place.
Nang makalabas na, I immediately felt the cold air against my face.
Tangina.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na ang lumipas nang makarating kami dito pero ang alam ko lang ay palalim na nang palalim ang gabi. I took out a cigarette from my pocket, telling my self na babalik ulit sa loob pagkatapos ng isang stick, just to warm my body.
After I lit the cigar, the door of the bar opened and my eyes met with someone.
"Ah, sorry," he said at akmang papasok ulit nang matigilan ito na para bang nagaalang-alang pa.
"Hindi ako nangangain," I joked out of nowhere, hindi talaga bagay sa akin. So I added, "stay if you want."
Tila nakahinga naman ito ng maluwag sa sinabi ko. He then stood next to me, leaning on the wall. He was just silent but I can't help look at him. Ang alam ko nasa pareho kaming section, hindi ko lang maalala ang pangalan niya. I tend to forget names easily lalo na kapag hindi naman ganun ka importante ang tao.
Siguro ay naramdaman niyang kanina pa ako nakatitig so he said, "Don't worry, hindi kita isusumbong." Nagtaka naman ako sa sinabi niya to which he understood so he pointed at the cigar between my fingers. "I mean that."
I lightly shook my head, I'm not that worried about it, the school can't really do anything about it anyways. Kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin ang sabi niya and went to guess guess his name.
"Piper, right?" I asked.
He responded with a perplexed expression at the same time confused. But when he got what I meant, he corrected, "Pepper, class monitor."
Ah, kaya pala sobrang familiar. He's been collecting our papers when the teacher is around and is also active in school activities.
"Hindi ko alam na pupunta ka pala," I told him and blew the smoke in the air. Ba't parang ambilis maubos, the stick's nearing my finger.
"I didn't expect you either," sagot niya at huminga ng malalim, forming a faint fog in the air. "By the way, you might want to check on Caffeine, he's been drinking with his life on the line with this one," dagdag pa niya.
His words got me worried. I breathed in my cigar for one last time before throwing and stepping in to it, getting rid of the small chance of burning down the entire place.
Pero bago ako pumasok ay nilingon ko siya, “Thanks,” and ran inside.
I know Caf but if in the slightest chance that he can't handle himself, I too won't be able to handle him. Nang makabalik ako sa table namin, Pepper was right. Nakita ko si Caf na nakasandal na ang mukha sa mesa. Some still kept on drinking kasama na rito si Basil while teasing Caf who's now down.
"Caf, gising." I tried to wake him up, even lightly shaking him but it didn't seem to take any effect. "Caf putangina gigising ka diyan o iiwan kita dito?"
Bigla naman niyang iminulat ang mata but saying that he's totally awake is far from reality. He said nothing at tinitigan lang ako nang bigla niyang hinablot ang braso ko at hinila ito. Napa-upo ako sa tabi niya ng wala sa oras while he barely lifted his head from the table.
"Are you sober now?" That was a stupid question but I still asked anyway.
Umiling siya bilang sagot, hawak-hawak pa rin ang braso ko. "Iiwan mo na ba ako? Are you really just gonna leave me behind?"
Sunod-sunod ang tanong niya that I could hardly understand anymore.
"You want to hear a secret, Nics?" tanong niya. Finally, nai-angat na niya ng maayos ang ulo niya. He leaned towards me, his shoulder against mine and his lips on my ear, halos sumandal na siya sa akin. I heard him chuckled. "I like someone."
Lumayo rin agad siya sa akin nang sabihin iyon. My brows furrowed.
"Hindi ko alam bakit, but I like them, a lot," dagdag pa niya. He could hardly keep his eyes open at this point ay kasing pula na niya ang kamatis. A weak smile slipped from his lips. "They're like the rudest rude person I have ever met. Sobrang cold at sungit niya na halos lahat ng tao na hindi siya kilala ay takot sa kaniya but not me, kasi kilalang-kilala ko siya."
Napatigil ako. I badly want to interrupt him but I can't bring myself to because this is the first time I have seen him like this, the first time he's ever talked about something like this.
Kayang magbiro ni Caf sa mga bagay-bagay, it's like everything is a joke for him so to hear how he speaks of someone like this, nakakapanibago.
"That's why I know that they're the kindest and most genuine person ever. They act like they don't care but they do, hindi niya lang alam paano ito ipakita. They seem not to feel anything but they hurt the most seeing others hurting," he added while leaning his elbow on the table, serving as a throne to his head that kept on slipping from his hands as he kept on talking. Pero biglang nag-iba ang tono ng boses niya. "Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay kung bakit ang manhid niya?"
Caf sounded like he's about to break. Ang mga mata niya ay nanlungkot, biglang nawala ang sigla sa mukha niya habang nagkukwento kanina at ngayon ay napalitan ng pait. "Tangina naman kasi, sa lahat ng tao ba't sa kaniya pa?" he faked a laugh. "I knew very well know na wala akong pag-asa but is it so wrong to still like them despite that?"
"I just like someone, why does it have to hurt like hell?"
It's the first time that I've seen Caf act like this and it's unusual and yet amusing.
I saw his eyes hurting, he's at the verge of crying, looking at me with sincerity in them. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin, hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Is there even anything for me to say? Aren't I supposed to just listen?
Pero habang tinititigan siya, his eyes seemed as though waiting for my response, as though begging.
"Tama na 'yan Caf," I said, moving him to sit straight, "you're just drunk–"
"No I'm not!" He held my shoulders and lightly pushed me to my seat and shouted. His eyes were overflowing with emotions as they pierced through me, they were in shades of light brown and the fact that I can make something out of it says so much of how little space there is between us. His heavy breaths are rubbing against me and his brows were knitted.
It's starting to become even more difficult to know what's going on his head. Other than the fact that he's drunk, it's almost a combination of years of pent up frustration and liking to this person. Somehow, this makes me wonder who it could be.
"I like him! I like–" hindi niya natapos ang sasabihin nang bigla itong nasuka. Agad niyang tinakpan ang bibig at tumakbo papunta sa CR ng bar.
On the other hand, I was left astounded. Did he mean what he said?
Him?
Hindi ko alam. And the fact that I don't know and I haven't known until now speaks of how clueless I am when it comes to Caf.
——