"Okay, Y/N, it was just a dream. Just an amazing stupid dream" I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "That dream was so amazing. Ugh, Matt" I whined, recalling every detail of the dream. Our made up daughter, and the feeling of his lips on mine.
There was a sharp pang in my chest when the next thought hit me. I want to have a family with him, and to have mini Matt's running around. Girls and boys.
"There's so much that I want with you, Matt" I mumbled, as tears fill my eyes, but nothing could ever cloud the dreams that sit behind them. The dreams that my heart yearned for. I want to be able to call him mine, and even if he doesn't know it, I've been his for longer than I've known.
The sound of the coffee machine got me out of bed, where I've been stuck, unable to leave for far too long. My feet touch the floor as the images sting my mind.
"You're going to be late!" Holly scoffed when I walked into the kitchen. "Aren't you going to have coffee?"
I shook my head, hoping to scramble the ideas and pictures in my mind. I was already dress, ran the brush through my hair and put on some makeup. I grabbed a muffin, making my way to the door, feeling like a zombie.
"Y/N, are you okay? You won't be late, you have ten minutes before you need to leave. I was joking" She called after me, but I pulled my boots on as she said my name again. "Hey, what's wrong?"
When I reach the closet door, her hand stops me. "Boob" she mumbled and guided me over to the couch.
"What is it? Did something happen?"she asked, but I kept my eyes on my bag.
"I had the weirdest dream of my life" I admit, surprised at the sound of my own voice.
"Tell me about it. It bothers you, I can tell"
"I was with Matt, working with him" I started, and shook my head, looking elsewhere. "I just came back after maternity life, because we had a baby together. He got mad at me for not finding a good client for a case, and then he said I could do anything to make up for it and-" I stopped and her eyes widened.
"That's intense, Y/N. Why is it so-" she replied, resting her hand on my arm. "Sorry, I haven't had my coffee either, I'm a little slow"
"It's what I want. I don't even start for another five days, and I already miss him even though we've been texting. Now, I miss him more because of my dream" I sighed as my heart ached.
"It sounds like maybe you should visit a certain someone today" she suggested and I looked up at her. "Come on, it's not that hard. Make up an excuse to go see him! Oh, you just had to drop off a document-"
"Or, I could bring Luke lunch"
"Yeah, make him jealous! Make him think you're there to eat with him, but it's for Luke! He'll go nuts, please do it or I won't talk to you for the rest of the day" I laughed and nodded.
"Who knew four hours could feel so long?" I huffed, standing up to put on my jacket, hugging Holly as I counted down the minutes until my lunch break.
~
"Since when do you bring me lunch?" Luke asked, staring at the brown paper bag in front of him.
"Because you're my best friend, and I'm nice" I answered, shrugging as I unwrapped the burger from its wrapper.
Soon, my burger was gone and so were my fries. Meanwhile, Luke was still eating as I stole glances at him.
"Okay, go" He sighed, waving his hand at me.
"What?"
"I know you're not here for me" he said and I narrowed my eyes at him. "And it's okay, I appreciate the lunch, but go see him. I'm sure he's dying to see you"
"You sure?"
"Get out of here" he smiled, picking up another fry.
"Thanks, Luke" I smiled. "You're the best" I finished, on the way to his door.
Taking a deep breath, I knocked on the glass. I just hope I look more decent after putting mascara on my lashes. After waiting a minute, I realise that I'm worried about it for nothing when there was no answer.
Turning around, I sighed and my head hung low, until I heard a sound. My name up. I looked up and smiled at the sight in front of me
"Don't know if I can trust my eyes, is that Y/N I see at my door?" He said, laughing with his bag across his chest. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" He asked, stepping an inch away from me.
"Hi, Matt. I thought I missed you" I shrugged, realising the irony of my words. After all this time, I'm sick of hiding my secret.
"I just got back from court" he mumbled. He nodded his messy hair towards the door as he unlocks it, and I follow him. "Seems the last thing we were talking about was what food we've been cooking. Do I get any of those brownies yet?"
"Not yet" I smiled, hiding my hands behind my back.
"I've been looking forward to them, you make them sound good" he laughed, hanging his jacket over the back of his chair.
"Are you okay?" He asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. I blinked and focused my eyes on him. "How have you been since your training? Sorry we haven't spoken much"
"It's okay and I'm good, maybe this will help" I answered, setting down the striped bag. He looked down at it and he smiled
"You didn't" he laughed, opening the bag. "You remembered. It's been so long since I've had one of these, they're my favourite" Matt finished, setting down the bag of cookies and muffins. "I hope you got some for yourself"
"I couldn't resist. I ate some on the way here, I'll save the rest of later" I told him, twirling the ring around on my finger.
"Just how I taught you" he nodded with a smile. "Thanks, Y/N. But I hope you didn't make a trip just for a muffin"
"It's okay" I shrugged. "I picked up some food to have with Luke, so I was around"
"Oh" he nodded, rolling up the bag to keep the food fresh. He scratched his cheek and avoided my gaze. Holly was right.
Is he jealous?
"I'm glad you stopped by, it's good to see you. Are you on your lunch break?" He asked, tapping along the head of his chair. Why does he have to stand so far away? I nodded. "I figured"
"I should go. I don't want to take up much of your time"
The heavy feeling in my gut grew when I watched the disappointment on his face. I'm sure Sofia wouldn't mind if I was running late if I told her who I was with.
"You're never a bother, Y/N. I don't know why you always think that. If you have to get back to work, I understand" He mumbled. "But, next week this will be your place of work again, it's crazy to think"
"I know, I can't wait" I smiled and so did he. "I like the stubble by the way" I blurted out
He laughed and stroked his cheeks, suddenly turning me into the jealous one. "Thanks, I don't know what I'm doing with it. It doesn't make me look old, does it?"
"No, it looks good on you. You look good, Matt" I confessed, waiting for the embarrassment to cover over me in waves, but it didn't.
"Thank you. So do you, in your uh...courthouse outfit. I should've stopped to say hi today, but I didn't think of it. This case has been crazy"
"It's okay, as long as you say hi the next time" I said, clasping my hands behind my back.
"I promise. I like your hair longer, you know?" He said, nodding his head at me.
I said 'thank you' and thank god the silence wasn't awkward. I wonder if for him too it's full of so many unspoken words that I'm dying to say, or if it's just me.
I wish I could do it all now, or even just something. One kiss, but I need to wait. I should wait until he comes back from that case, and I was settled in my new job.
"I'll leave you to your cookies and your case, Matt. I'll uh..text you" I said, feeling the weight of my words.
"Thanks for coming by. It's always good to see you. Have a good day" he smiled, and I said 'bye' , turning around and wondering why it was so hard.
~
For some reason, my department was busiest in the middle of the week and two years working here, I still didn't know why. The number of forms I collected, distributed, and then submit this morning shocked me. I found a gap in the craziness to get a cup of coffee and take a breath.
"It looks like I need to do some shopping, sorry there's no biscuits" a voice mumbled from behind me.
"It's okay, I don't eat them much" I said, feeling slightly disappointed because I was looking forward to a chocolate biscuit.
"You only have a few days left, honey. How are you feeling about it?" Sofia asked, patting my arm. "Wait, I don't know why I asked. If I was you, I'd be itching to get out of here too after this morning" she laughed and opened the refrigerator, muttering about the lack of things to eat and drink in here.
It was one of those, because next thing I know, a stranger was yelling at me about needing his birth certificate for a form, like I made the rule or something.
"Y/N, you've been requested" a colleague of mine said from behind me.
"What now?" I groaned, trying to turn around without bumping into her behind the front desk where we handled the customers.
I huffed, done with faking a smile for the customer for a stranger. When I saw the smiling face waiting for me, a smile was already on my lips.
"Matt, hi"
"Hey, how are you?" He asked, smiling.
"I'm okay" I sighed, furrowing my eyebrows.
"Hard day?" He asked and I nodded, somehow hearing all the extra words in his. "I'm sorry, I hope this will help" he finished, setting down a Starbucks cup in front of me. I know without needing to taste it, it was my favourite drink.
"Thank you so much. You've good memory. It's something I know you for"
"Is it now?" He laughed softly, biting his bottom lip. "I'm glad it'll help. I just got in here minute ago for another day of arguing my case"
"Oh, thanks for thinking of me. That was sweet"
"Course. I couldn't not come and say hi to my favourite person here"
"Are you blushing?" He asked, setting down his hands on the space where people lay down their forms.
"Stop" I laughed, trying to fix my hair and soon I remembered I had no makeup on.
"You're pretty when you blush, you know that?" He laughed, finding his way to my heart. I have a feeling he's not letting up on the brake either in the honesty department.
"So do you, you know?" I said, wishing I could pull off a wink.
"Good one" he said, shaking his head as he wagged a finger at me. What would I do to be able to hold his hand? "There's your lovely boss I spoke to on the phone?" Matt turned his attention to Sofia who slipped behind the desk to grab something.
"I don't believe we've met" She said, shaking his hand. I mentally clapped at how she pretended she didn't know who he was, as if I didn't show her a picture of him. "I'm Sofia, court administrator here, and you are?"
"I'm Matt, Y/N's former boss, and well, new boss. I just stopped by to say hi before going to my case down the hall" I was still surprised by the kindness and professionalism he carried every time I was present for him meeting someone.
"It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you from Y/N" she said, connecting the dots.
"Have you? Should I be worried?" He asked, raising his eyebrow at me.
"Not at all, it's been very nice. She's fond of you, and I know she's excited to go back to work with you. But I'll miss her"
I looked at Sofia's smile and Matt kept his eyes on me. I wish I could know what he was thinking. I wish I could ask, or he could tell me.
"I can't wait to have her back. Thank you for taking care of her here. I know she enjoyed it, and the experience will help her when she comes to work with me"
"You're welcome, and I trust you'll take care of her. I'm looking forward to knowing what Y/N will do. Why don't you walk with him to the courtroom? I think things are dying down" she said, saying goodbye to Matt. I smiled at her over my shoulder as we walked away.
"She's very nice" he said once we reach the hallway.
"Yeah, she is. She's been a good boss and friend" I said, clasping my hands together. "But you're my favourite boss of all time"
"Am I?" He bragged, looking over at me. I nodded and laughed when he pulled me into his side. "Good. I better be your favourite"
"Don't mess it up now"
"Never again will I mess it up with you" he whispered, squeezing my shoulder. I looked up and saw his eyes waiting for me.
"Am I your favourite?"
"Favourite what?" He asked, looking away to watch where he was going.
"I don't know, maybe-"
"Yeah, you are" he said, cutting me off.
"I didn't get to finish" I protest, but we both laughed.
"Doesn't matter, you still are. Looks like we're in the right place, that's my courtroom for this afternoon"
I looked away from him to the courtroom across the way. The confession that just fell between us and the reminder he had to leave combined into a terrible concoction.
"I should let you go then, literally" I laughed, stepping away and letting his arm fall. "Good luck. I hope everything goes well. You'll do great, Matt. I know it" I said, taking a hold of one of his hands.
"Maybe I'll do good after seeing my lucky charm" he mumbled and smiled at me. "Hopefully I'm finished today, or at least tomorrow. Then, I get to relax and plan ahead before you come along next week"
"Hey" I scoffed and squeezed his hand.
"I didn't mean it like that. I just have to be ready for this new start, honey. I've been looking forward to it...since you got the job" he insisted, but I wasn't upset.
"I know, I'm just giving to you hard time. Good luck today, Matt" I hope he couldn't see my shaking body, as I stood on my top toes and pecked him on the cheek. "Let me know how it goes"
"I will. I promise" Matt said, blushing and I looked at him. He laughed as he looked at me. "Have a good day"
~
The next few days were painfully slow. I think the long texting conversations with Matt passed the time. More than once, a random text from Matt brightened my day .