San took in a deep breath of fresh air as he jumped off the bus. The air was warm and the sun was soft, shining down through the trees. In front of him was the familiar path through the woods that called his name. This was the first time he'd walk down it alone, and the last he would walk down it as a student. He'd just graduated high school, ready for his next steps in life, and to begin them he was at summer camp. The same camp he'd been going to since he was a preteen. Surrounded by nature and friendly faces, he would find himself again and find out where to go next. He had a month until going back to civilization. No phones, no internet, just nature and books. He was ready for the next chapter to begin.
He walked down the path, listening to the sounds of birds and bugs, the wind hitting the leaves softly and the crunch of sticks beneath his feet. His backpack felt light against his shoulders despite holding his entire wardrobe. As soon as he'd stepped on these grounds he'd felt freed of his stress. Finally in the place he loved, free to breathe and to be. He was a bit disappointed to go alone this time. He usually had friends to tag along, but they'd expressed to San that they'd just grown out of going to the camp and were focusing on building their adult lives instead. They always seemed busy nowadays, at work or doing homework, always something. And they never showed up to church anymore or any of the functions. San wondered if they'd grown out of that too. He couldn't imagine that. Growing out of the place where he belonged.
San ignored these thoughts as he walked along, a smile growing on his face as the familiar registration cabin came into view. He would make new friends this year, ones who hadn't grown out of faith. He practically skipped into the registration cabin, feeling light on his feet as he caught sight of the familiar counsellors. One of them, brother Eunhyuk, looked up at him with a smile.
"Choi San! I'm so glad you decided to come back this year!" He exclaimed from behind the counter. San smiled at him and nodded.
"How could I not?" He chuckled. "I practically grew up here." He headed towards the desk to grab his information. "I'm gonna come back as a counsellor next year. So I can help kids the way I was helped by the program." San sighed dreamily. Eunhyuk's smile was comforting.
"I'm so happy to hear that. It's always a blessing to have you around." The older man said. He handed San a few papers on a clipboard with a pen attached. "You'll be in cabin 2b this month. Down near the lake." Eunhyuk told him. San hummed and nodded, signing off his papers for allergies and medical history.
"I haven't been in that one since I was a kid." San chuckled. He wondered if it was still the same. On his way out of the cabin San stumbled into someone. He smelled him before he could see him. The stench of pine and skunk invaded his senses and he couldn't help but cringe. The stranger looked at him with wide eyes and muttered out a quick apology. San only moved to the side, silently letting him pass. San was unfamiliar with the smell that had hit him, but he'd been warned against it before and wondered if it was what he thought it was. He hoped he wouldn't be close to this person as he slinked past them and out into the fresh air again. He found his cabin easy enough, remembering exactly where it was. It was a quaint little thing, all wood and screen windows, an old wooden door with a worn brass handle. San stepped up the stairs to it and allowed himself inside. He was surprised to see a person already inside.
Their back was to him, in the corner of the room making their bed on a cot. It seemed as if they'd moved it there, seeing as the rest of the beds, the bunk bed and the second cot, were in the middle of the room, closer together. San dropped his bag near the entrance, startling the other person who turned around quickly. San felt his breath leaving his lungs at the sight of the stranger. He had long black hair and chiselled features, like a statue carved by the greats. San's mouth parted at the image. He looked like a painting San had seen years ago, Alexandre Cabanel's fallen angel. San realised he was staring and stepped away from the door, letting it close behind him.
"I-I'm guessing we're roommates?" San asked sheepishly. The stranger looked away, sitting back onto his cot and unpacking his bag.
"Yep." He said curtly. He seemed shy.
"Oh, well… I'm San. I haven't seen you before so it must be your first time coming here?" San asked. The stranger froze and looked up.
"Yeosang." He offered. San nodded, feeling awkward with the air in the cabin. It was cold despite the actual heat of the summer weather.
"Has anyone else come by?" San asked. He looked around the room, seeing a bag on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed. Yeosang hummed.
"Yeah." He said. A man of few words. San looked to the top bunk. It didn't seem like it had been claimed yet so he headed over and threw his things onto it. Yeosang watched, doubtful of San's confidence. But San only smiled at him and climbed onto the top bunk, settling himself down to familiarise himself with his new roommate and hopefully new friend soon enough.
"So… what do you think so far?" San asked. Yeosang didn't look at him.
"I just got here. So I don't know." He mumbled. San nodded.
"I think you'll like it here." He told him. Yeosang nodded silently again. San looked down at his watch. "Oh, orientation starts soon. Do you know where the resource office is?" Yeosang looked up now, a surprised look on his face that San couldn't help but chuckle at. "Let's go together!" He suggested, jumping down from the bunk and waving Yeosang to follow. Yeosang did without a word, only sighing and dropping whatever it was he was doing with his bag. The statue-like boy kept a distance between himself and San as they walked down the path towards the camp resources cabin. He didn't speak, so San took it upon himself to kill the silence of the woods. "So, how old are you?" San asked, glancing back at Yeosang for a second.
"Nineteen." Yeosang muttered. San nodded.
"Oh, me too! Well, soon. In a few days I will be at least." San informed. Yeosang only gave him a weak smile and a raise of his eyebrows. San couldn't tell if it was mocking or genuine. San hummed and turned back around, focusing on the walkway. "Um… what's your favourite colour, Yeosang?" San asked.
"Black and red."
"Red is nice. I like purple." San said.
"Are we supposed to be wearing a uniform or something?" San turned around again, tilting his head as if in question. Yeosang moved his hand in a way that told San to look at himself. “What are you wearing?” San looked down at himself, his white dress shirt tucked neatly into his trousers. When he looked up at Yeosang he saw confusion on the other boy's face. Yeosang was wearing a black hoodie and black cargo pants with several chains and zippers.
“I’m wearing my clothes.” San said it almost like he was posing a question, or maybe a challenge to Yeosang. Yeosang only shrugged and continued to follow him. The rest of their walk was silent and awkward and San didn’t feel like trying to break the ice anymore. It was only a bit away now and San was fine with the next two minutes being filled with the noise of the forest and its insect inhabitants. Unfortunately, he didn’t get what he wanted. Instead he got a nose full of that foul smell he’d experienced earlier as the stranger he’d run into at the camp registration rounded the next corner. This time his eyes were hazy and red rimmed and San looked away from them.
“Hey, it’s you. You seem like you belong here,” The stranger started, pointing towards San. “you know where cabin 2b is, right?” San felt his stomach drop. No way he was rooming with this stoner. Instead of expressing his distaste, he answered politely.
“Yeah, we’re actually rooming there. We’re on our way to orientation though, you wanna come with us and we can show you after?” He asked. The stranger smiled, bright and welcoming and nodded, prancing over to San’s side, not minding that he was walking directly in front of Yeosang who made a grunt of disagreement.
“Sweet. Don’t have to sleep outside now.” The stranger laughed. He held out a hand to San and San hesitantly shook it. “I’m Wooyoung.” He introduced. San smiled and nodded, trying to ignore the stench of weed.
“San. This is Yeosang.” Yeosang gave a small wave and smile to Wooyoung who smiled back. The rest of the walk was filled with Wooyoung’s chatter which seemed to set off Yeosang’s chatter. San was quiet however. It seemed like he didn’t have much in common with the other two, but they had plenty in common with each other. He felt relieved to reach the hub of the campgrounds, finding the counsellors already surrounded by other campers. Yeosang pointed one out to San and Wooyoung, a tall boy with broad shoulders wearing a cosy looking baby blue pull over with khaki slacks. He looked clean and put together and San couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away from him. He turned around when Yeosang called his name. Yunho.
San stared wide eyed as the tall boy headed over, his sharp lips parted in a smile and his eyes glittering like stars. He was pretty. San turned away at the realisation of it. Boys weren’t pretty. They weren’t supposed to be pretty and other boys weren’t supposed to find them pretty. San didn’t know why he felt like that rule was wrong right now. He didn’t know why he couldn’t look up at the boy who towered over him with an outstretched hand and blinding smile. He didn’t know why his ears and cheeks felt hot and his heart began to pound when the boy introduced himself to him. San took his hand and kept his eyes on Yunho’s shoulders as he shook it and returned the favour. He would be rooming with this friendly giant for the whole month. The whole month.
San didn’t know why he felt so anxious to meet him. His head was empty the whole orientation, even as they walked around the camp to introduce the new campers. What should have been a nice walk through memory lane turned into a heart pounding, stomach twisting sprint as San couldn’t seem to catch his breath around his new roommates. They spoke with ease, as if they’d known each other for years, meanwhile San had to pry his jaws open just to answer their questions when they reflected their conversation to him. All of his confidence had gone out the window as soon as Yunho had been introduced and San was going crazy trying to figure out why.
The first day of camp was always a free day and San decided to spend it away from the cabin, away from his roommates, and in the chapel instead, to think about everything. There he helped the sisters and brothers with menial tasks like cleaning the pews and sweeping the floors. He wondered why he was so anxious suddenly, unable to stay still or be around people he didn't know too well. He was happy to be with those who practically raised him each summer since he was twelve. The sisters fawned over him, pinching his cheeks and saying he grew up well, but far too fast.
"Ah, I remember when you were shorter than me!" Sister Bomjae sighed as he helped her move a broken pew out the door for repairs. He helped sister Sooyoung reach high places to dust and clean, and when he had nothing else to do he helped brother Dae and sister Eunchae make bread for tomorrow's mass. The small tasks helped him to forget about his troubles and feel free once again. He was helping and doing what he loved where he loved with the people he loved. They were all like family to him and the chapel felt like home.
He was forced to face his roommates once again at dinner time. Everyone was separated into groups based on their cabin mates and San found himself sitting at a table in the corner of the room with the three boys he was avoiding earlier. Wooyoung greeted him as he sat down with his tray of food, saying they'd have to catch up after dinner since San had gotten away from them. San didn't much want to, but he agreed. He had to push through this awkward barrier and familiarise himself with the people he would be rooming with. He sent a quick prayer to Saint John and set his mind of conversing.
"Where did you go after the orientation? We were looking for you." Wooyoung said before taking a bite of his food. Yeosang busied himself with his own meal, keeping quiet and keeping his eyes to himself. Yunho, on the other hand, looked at San like he'd been the one to ask the question. San looked between the two who were shoulder to shoulder.
"I went to the chapel. I wanted to help set up for mass tomorrow." San said. Yunho seemed to cringe at the answer and Wooyoung only hummed.
"You go there on purpose?" He asked. San couldn't tell if the question was genuine or a trap. He'd been taught to treat every question genuinely and so he answered genuinely with a smile and a nod.
"I like it there." San answered. "The sisters and brothers are like family to me." Wooyoung nodded slowly.
"You come here a lot?" Yunho asked. San didn't know why but his cheeks heated up at the sound of Yunho's voice being directed towards him.
"Huh?" San let out. He'd heard him, but he couldn't say anything else.
"You seem familiar with it. So you must come here a lot." Yunho reiterated. San nodded quickly and looked down at his plate to avoid Yunho's glittering eyes.
"Y-yeah, for a while. Next year I'm gonna be a counsellor." San said.
"Oh? That's… cool." Wooyoung said with a full mouth. San nodded and decided to focus on his food.
"Yeah, so most of this month I'm gonna be training." San explained. He hoped they wouldn't ask any further questions so he could eat his dinner without interruption. His stomach was turning at the idea of talking more. He just wanted to finish his meal without getting any more anxious than he already was.
"So it'll be like a job?" Yeosang spoke up this time. San shook his head.
"N-no, just volunteer work." San said.
"What's the fun in that?" Wooyoung huffed. San's cheeks grew hotter. Was it really so hard for him to think about San wanting to spend his free time helping the community? He looked around the cafeteria. There weren't many people in his age group, most of them were kids or younger teens. Some of them were new and some of them were familiar. Next year San would get to help the newer ones find their path to God. He would teach them how to pray, how to find themselves and how to love others. Of course San wanted to do that. He wanted to help others like he'd been helped. He couldn't think of himself doing anything else. But he didn't plead his case to the others because they'd already moved on, talking about other things.
"What about the campfire tonight?" San chirped up, remembering that each Saturday held a campfire.
"What about it?" Yeosang asked unenthusiastically.
"Aren't you excited for it?" San asked. "The senior cabins get to have their own." He explained. "So we won't need to look after the kids or anything."
"But there's still gonna be a brother or sister there, right?" Yunho asked, something in his voice that San couldn't quite pinpoint. If he had to guess, the tone was despondent. San nodded.
"Well, yeah, of course." He said. The others turned to each other, a hidden sentiment between them, seemingly finished with the conversation.
As soon as dinner was finished, San headed to the resource office to find out more information about the campfire where he was met with a list of campers and cabin groups. The junior campers were all put into larger groups while there were only two groups of seniors, each a group of four, and San’s group, 2b, was assigned to brother Eunhyuk. San smiled. He helped set up the fire, putting out seats for each of his roommates and collecting wood for it.
“How are your roommates settling in, San?” Eunhyuk asked as San fanned the small flame he’d created in the middle of the wood pile.
“They’re good so far. I think they’ll like it here.” San hummed.
The night was filled with small ice breaker activities kicked off by brother Eunhyuk. San’s favourite part was making s’mores of course. Wooyoung was talkative, seeming to have so much to say when Eunhyuk brought up tomorrow's classes after mass. He seemed intrigued, but there was also some strange tone behind his voice that had San confused. Yunho didn’t seem intrigued by it, and Yeosang flat out told Eunhyuk that he didn’t want to go. Curfew hit and the fire was put out and they made their way back to their cabin where a conversation was brewing.
San moved towards the bunk bed, grabbing his bag off of it and rummaging through it while the others settled. Yeosang and Wooyoung both jumped onto their beds while Yunho seemed to hover near the doorway. After grabbing his pyjamas he slinked into the corner behind the bed to change. Wooyoung dog whistled as he pulled off his shirt and San flinched at the attention, looking back with wide eyes.
“Talk about shoulders.” Wooyoung said. San turned away with bright red cheeks, no longer comfortable changing in this room if he was going to be stared at. No one had ever commented on his body before besides the sisters or his mother saying he was tall and broad. No one had ever said it in such a tone either. It made San feel a bit sick. Wooyoung looked to Yunho and raised his eyebrows suggestively and San's stomach dropped to notice he was being mocked. If San had thought Wooyoung meant anything kind about San's shoulders, all of those thoughts were wiped out with the expression he'd thrown at Yunho.
“Shut up, you’re making him uncomfortable.” Yunho huffed. The comment only brought out a squeaky laugh from Wooyoung. San didn’t say anything as he quickly changed, grateful for Yunho to defend him. When he turned around everyone was on their beds, though didn’t seem to be ready for bed. Yeosang and Wooyoung were both sitting up, talking to each other while Yunho was reading a book on the bottom bunk. San climbed into his bunk, trying not to make any noise. The bed creaked and Wooyoung and Yeosang immediately looked at him. San pulled his stuffed cat out of his bag slowly like he were prey fallen victim to two wolves. Yeosang's eyes lit up.
"Oh, that's cute. I brought mine too." He said, holding up a stuffed frog. San's eyes softened, feeling a bit warm at the familiarity. He hadn't thought Yeosang would be one to collect stuffed animals and he was happy not to be shamed about it. His parents had told him not to collect them, not to carry them around and pack them on trips, saying it was embarrassing and infantile. But they comforted San when he wasn't home. A smirk covered Wooyoung’s lips and San felt embarrassed once again to have Wooyoung’s eyes on him. What would he make fun of now, was all San could think about. He looked away, pulling his covers over his lap while he looked through his bag for his book.
“So, what did you boyos do to get here?” Wooyoung asked, his eyes still burning on San’s back. Yeosang giggled while Yunho only stared at Wooyoung with narrowed eyes. Yeosang jumped into action, becoming the penitent and entering the confessional booth.
“My parents think I need to find God because they found my stash of razors.” He said with a sigh. He said it as if it was information everyone knew, as if the action it implied was something everyone did. San tried not to show his shock, hiding his wide eyes in his bag, sticking half of his reddened face into it.
“Instead of fucking getting help, they sent you here?” Yunho scoffed. San looked to Yeosang now, wanting to know what his reaction would be.
“The body is a temple after all. And armchair psychology is unnatural compared to the dark box.” Yeosang laughed, leaning back with his hands clasped behind his head. "A therapist can't do anything God can do. That's what my mom said at least."
“I think it can help.” San chirped up. Yunho looked up at him with wide eyes, as if telling San to shut his mouth, but San didn’t understand why. His church and his faith had helped him countless times when he felt like everything was lost. “A-a lot of the activities here can help you find yourself and better habits.” His voice waned off into a whisper as he caught the narrowing eyes of everyone in the room. “I-I think it could help if you try.” He said, looking directly at Yeosang. He was giving this advice to him after all. Yeosang was still for a second, looking back with empty eyes blinking like a week old kitten whose brain wasn’t fully functional yet. Then he hummed and nodded.
“If that’s what you think.” He said. He looked towards Wooyoung who let out a big sigh.
“You already know I’m here cause my dad found my stash.” He said, rolling his eyes. San wanted to ask stash of what, but he had the feeling Wooyoung would call him stupid and never answer the question anyway, so he abstained. “So, Yunho, why are you here?” San looked down at Yunho who only flipped the page of his book. San read the title, How far the Light Reaches. He’d never heard of the book. Yunho let out a sigh. San wondered why he was suddenly acting off put by Wooyoung when they’d clearly been getting along earlier. San didn’t want to pry.
“Do we have to be doing this?” Yunho asked with a sigh. “I’m gonna be here for a month and then we’ll never see each other again, so what’s the point in getting to know me?”
“Well, we are gonna be under the same roof, eating at the same table.” Yeosang pointed out. “So what’s your crime?” He giggled. Yunho shot him a sharp look.
“Being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.” Yunho said. “Now, can you go to bed?”
“What do you mean by that?” San whispered, hanging down over the bed. “You don’t wanna be here?” He asked. Yunho’s eyes looked furious and San felt like he’d stepped on a hot coal.
“You wanna be here?” He asked incredulously. San nodded, feeling his blood rush to his head from the position he was in.
“Yeah. I don’t know why you wouldn’t like it here, but I’m sure you will once you settle in.” Yunho’s brows furrowed and his lips pursed together in a tight smile before he covered his face with his book, silently telling San he was no longer listening.
“Sure I will, bud.” Yunho sighed. San only shrugged and moved back onto his bunk. Wooyoung and Yeosang spoke quietly, leaning over a book of their own while San read his nightly passages.
° ° °
“Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person there and stay at his house until you leave.” - Matthew 10:11
° ° °
San woke up early the next morning. He ate breakfast before the cafeteria was even open and headed to the chapel, setting up for morning mass. He found his eyes wandering throughout mass. There were so many new faces in the pews, but the familiar ones of his roommates caught his eye. He smiled at them, Yeosang giving him a shy smile back, Wooyoung smirking, and Yunho looking away. Despite him looking away, San couldn’t tear his eyes away from him. After mass was afternoon classes. The juniors and seniors were once again split up. San took a seat in the front of the classroom, left of Yunho who shifted in his seat as San sat down. Behind San was Wooyoung who sat next to Yeosang. On the other side of the room were four unfamiliar people. Three looked to be boys around San’s age, the fourth one San couldn’t pinpoint the gender of. They had shoulder length bleach blonde hair. They were taller than the others, looking like a really tall girl.
San wondered why a girl would be at an all boys retreat camp. It was strange, but maybe the girls camp just had too many people? He looked away. He had always been told not to stare, it was rude after all. So he looked to Yunho, who he hadn’t spoken to since the night before.
“How did you sleep?” He asked quietly. Yunho shrugged.
“It was fine. You know you move around a lot when you sleep?” Yunho pointed out.
“I do?” Yunho answered him with a nod before having his attention caught by Wooyoung and Yeosang to which Yunho seemed to think was more worthy of his attention than San. San tried not to let it bother him, looked straight ahead of himself, ready for class to start. Brother Eunhyuk and brother Soojong took their places in the front of the class, catching everyone’s attention with a clap of their hands, blanketing the room in silence.
“Good afternoon, boys.” Eunhyuk said. “Many new faces this year, and of course a familiar one as well.” He looked at San who smiled.
“Always a pleasure to see you, San.’ Brother Soojong said. “We all familiarised ourselves last night at the fire, but now we’re putting the two groups together. We’ll be beginning with an introduction.” He said. He held a stack of papers and began handing them out. He stopped in his tracks when he got to the back row of the left side of the classroom. "You. Stand." Brother Soojong ordered, pointing towards one of the students. The tall girl, or… not girl. San looked at them, noticing their broad shoulders and sharp eyes and nose first and then noticed what was around their eyes. Cleanly drawn black eyeliner that was so subtle yet accentuated their eye shape. "Mingi. What are you wearing?" Brother Soojong asked, voice stern and disappointed. Mingi looked taken aback, eyes widening slightly in confusion.
"What do you mean?" Mingi asked. San flinched when Soojong reached forward and swiped a thumb across Mingi's right eyelid. Mingi immediately backed up. "Don't touch me!" They barked. The brother looked at his thumb which had smudged Mingi's clean and exact makeup. Brother Eunhyuk stuck up his nose at the display.
"A man masquerading as a harlot." He spat. "Have you no respect for yourself?" Mingi's jaw dropped and San could feel it, his own lips parting with a silent gasp. Another student stood up, standing next to Mingi. He was shorter than Mingi, but seemed to tower over them as he shielded the taller one.
"There's a long history of men wearing makeup as a show of wealth and social standing. I don't see why Mingi can't wear it." He said. Brother Soojong took a handkerchief out from his robes and wiped off his thumb.
"Sit down, Jongho. You are not involved." He said calmly. Jongho's gaze hardened and San looked down to see Mingi holding his hand, fingers trembling behind Jongho's back. Jongho puffed out his chest and looked determined and strong. He commanded the authority within the room with just his stance.
"In ancient Egypt, men would line their eyes with Kohl to show off their wealth. Not only that but it also kept the sun away from their eyes the way football players do with a line of black face paint." Jongho said, doubling down. "So I don't see why it's a problem for Mingi to wear it."
"In ancient Rome, men who held mirrors in paintings were seen as effeminate and submissive while men who wore face paint were immoral. We live in a modern day that is more similar to Rome in which men do not wear makeup, lest they be shunned in the eyes of their community and their God." Brother Eunhyuk said. “Behave as God intended or reap the consequences.” He spoke as if it were a chore to speak. San looked away and looked next to him, leaning towards Yunho.
"But Jongho is right." He whispered. Yunho barely glanced at him. San flinched as he heard Wooyoung's voice from behind him.
"Then say something." Wooyoung whispered. San sat up straight and looked ahead of himself. If he were to say something he would have to back it up and he didn't have the spine to do that.
"I'll take it off." Mingi said, head hanging low and looking down at the desk in front of them. Jongho turned around and gave Mingi an incredulous look.
"That's-"
"Jongho, don't make this harder, please." Mingi whispered. The two brothers smiled and backed away as Mingi turned around to leave the room.
"Good. When you're done you may switch seats with Hongjoong so we may keep an eye on you." Brother Soojong said. Nothing like that had ever happened before. He'd seen people get dress coded, but never shamed so heavily. He felt it was unfair for Eunhyuk to have used such language towards Mingi. San didn't even know Mingi. Yet he still felt something towards the display he'd just witnessed.
Mingi had come back into the class with a clean face and a broken disposition, sitting in the front row where Hongjoong had been sitting just a second ago. San tried not to look at his new desk neighbour, but his eyes wandered. Mingi only looked at San with their sharp eyes seeming empty like a vacuum, yet also full to the brim with rage. San looked away. While Mingi was gone they’d all been given instructions to write down on the sheets of paper, fill in the introductory notes and such.
“What are we doing?” Mingi asked softly. San kept his eyes averted, only looking at Mingi’s paper.
“Write your name and then… a verse that you like out of these ones.” San whispered. Mingi hummed and nodded, turning back to their own desk. San’s eyes scanned over the list of verses that had been written down. None of them were his favourite, but he didn’t want to stand out by reciting one not on the list so he chose the second best answer.
“Happy is the nation whose God is the Lord,
The people whom he has chosen as his heritage.”
-Psalm 33:12
Introductions went from left to right, but San couldn’t pay attention to them. The brothers droned on about scripture, reading specific lines, dissecting them, picking campers out to ask their interpretations of them.
"No answer is wrong so long as you feel it's right." Brother Soojong had said. However, he took that back when he called upon Wooyoung and asked for his interpretation of Ezekiel 16:6-7. Wooyoung's highlight of "your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare" was inappropriate to say the least. They continued reading the chapter, being called upon to read specific verses. San jolted when he was called upon.
"San, continue where Yeosang left off, please." Brother Eunhyuk called. San looked down. He hadn't remembered where it was. San had to admit Ezekiel was one of his least favourite books and chapter 16 was uncomfortable to read. It was crass and had uncomfortable language. So he wasn't paying attention to what Yeosang was reading. He looked around and then heard a hiss in his right ear.
"Forty-seven." Yunho whispered under his breath. San cleared his throat and abruptly stood up, holding the book in his hand as he read.
"You not only followed their ways, and acted according to their abominations; within a very little time you were more corrupt than they in all your ways. As I live, says the Lord God, your sister Sodom and her daughters have not done as you and your daughters have done." San read.
"Good." Brother Soojong said with a nod. San sat down quickly.
"Yunho, why don't you read this next one for us?" Eunhyuk asked. San watched from the corner of his eye as Yunho seemed to straighten up abruptly, like he'd been hit with a whip across the back.
"Um… actually, do you mind if I go to the bathroom?" Yunho's voice sheepishly asked.
"After."
"It's urgent."
"Then you should be eager to read this segment so you may be excused."
"But-"
"I won't ask you again." San looked straight at Yunho now, watching his eyes widen and his body shake as he stood up, book in hand. Yunho's eyes stared at the page intently and San watched as he worried his lips between his teeth.
"This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." Yunho muttered. The instructor leaned in. Yunho glanced up as he felt their glare, but looked down just as fast. His cheeks reddened in something San couldn't read. He didn't understand why reading this simple passage had Yunho so nervous. "They were haughty, and did abominable things before me; therefore I removed them when I saw it." Yunho looked up from the book, expecting to be done, but neither Soojong or Eunhyuk looked satisfied. Yunho pursed his lips together and read further, breath shaky. "Samaria has not committed half your sins; you have committed more abominations than they, and have made your sisters appear righteous by all the abominations that you have committed." Yunho finished. He was about to put his book down when Eunhyuk spoke again.
"Bear your disgrace, you also, for you have brought about for your sisters a more favourable judgement; because of your sins in which you acted more abominable than they, they are more in the right than you. So be ashamed, you also, and bear your disgrace, for you have made your sisters appear righteous." Eunhyuk finished. He looked at Yunho and nodded his head. "You are excused." Yunho dropped the book, letting it slam on the top of the desk, and immediately stepped away, pushing the chair out abruptly. He kept his eyes down as he walked out of the room with quick steps.
San had barely slipped into the cabin when Wooyoung slammed the door shut behind him. Yunho hadn't come back after his bathroom break and he wasn't in the cabin either. Yeosang and Wooyoung had been silent after being excused, both vibrating with a silent rage that San couldn't quite understand. He felt like he'd witnessed a fight between Yunho and brother Eunhyuk that he didn't have the context for, but Wooyoung and Yeosang seemed to have. So he didn't speak as Wooyoung and Yeosang growled and grunted their disgust and anger.
"What the fuck is wrong with him?" Wooyoung huffed. San flinched at the emotion in his voice, at the harsh language.
"I was pissed when Soojong touched Mingi, and then Eunhyuk went that route?" Yeosang sighed, dropping onto his bed. Wooyoung paced around the cabin. San busied himself with organising his things, not wanting to stare at either of them. "It's like they were trying to shame Mingi and found the perfect verse to loop Yunho into it."
"Bigoted assholes." Wooyoung muttered. He stopped his pacing and looked at Yeosang. "I need a toke. You wanna go for a walk?" He asked, grabbing a smaller bag from his suitcase and a water bottle. He slung it over his shoulder after stuffing the water bottle inside. Yeosang sat up and nodded.
"You don't even need to ask the question." Yeosang chuckled. They both looked to San, a question in their eyes.
"Do you want a hit?" Wooyoung asked. San felt like he was watching two aliens speaking to each other. He shook his head slowly, unsure and looked away.
"I-I think I'm gonna do some of my homework." San said. Wooyoung's eyebrows raised incredulously and Yeosang cringed outwardly.
"Alright. You do that." Wooyoung said, turning around. Yeosang and him muttered something San couldn't hear. He wasn't interested in it anyway. He was tired and confused and wanted to take a nap. So he slinked into the top bunk and burrowed into the covers. The camp had never felt so unfamiliar to him. He was surrounded by peers that he didn't know, peers that didn't know him and didn't seem to want to. He felt unwelcome in the cabin, conflicted in the classroom, and disconnected in the chapel. He had seen a side of brother Eunhyuk before, prideful, haughty, and unfamiliar. He was used to him being doting and kindly to San, truly brotherly. But today he was something else.
San tried to erase the thoughts from his mind as he closed his eyes and held his stuffed cat to his chest. He tried to untangle Yeosang and Wooyoung's words about the scripture they'd read earlier. In San's eyes it was a condemnation of having little respect for your body and what you've been given, a condemnation of people who committed crimes against women and children. He didn't understand how that could be offensive to Mingi or Yunho. He was out of the loop completely, so much so that he didn't even know there was a loop to begin with.
"Oh, hey." San jolted at the sound of Yunho's voice, sitting up with wide eyes. "Did I scare you?" He asked with an unenthused chuckled behind his voice. San watched as he stepped into the cabin with a sigh.
"A-are you okay?" San asked, noticing how Yunho's cheeks were puffy and red, his eyes bloodshot like he hadn't slept in a while. Yunho hummed and pursed his lips.
"I'm fine, San." He said. San nodded, though he felt like he was being lied to. Yunho sat down on the bottom bunk with a sigh and San hung over the top bunk, looking down at him while his blood rushed to his head.
"You didn't come back after saying you were going to the bathroom, so I got a bit worried." San admitted. Yunho looked at him hesitantly, his eyes glancing from his book in his hands to San's own eyes. "I thought you might be sick or something, but you’re not, right?"
"That's what everyone else thinks." Yunho muttered under his breath. San looked at him, confused, brows furrowing together as he readied another question, but Yunho beat him to it. "San, why didn't you say anything when brother Soojong touched Mingi?" Yunho asked. San looked away.
"I didn't know what to say." He confessed. "Even if I did, there was probably a reason why he was so adamant on it. One that I don't understand yet." Yunho shook his head and sighed. The sound that came between his lips was like that of a disappointed father and it had San’s heart strangely aching.
"You're going to walk into a pole if you keep following so blindly." Yunho sighed. "You should question them if you think something is wrong. Question the words you read out loud instead of just reciting them." San slinked back to the top bunk, confused and uncomfortable with looking at Yunho's cold stare any longer. Yunho hadn't said anything either so why was San being blamed? He didn't get it.
° ° °
"Who made thee a prince and a judge over us?"
-Exodus 2:14
° ° °
Classes continued as usual, though quiet and uninterrupted unlike the first day. Today was Wednesday and San had been looking forward to it. Every Wednesday was a nature walk. San liked to spend this time sketching things he found interesting, small bugs, animals, interesting plants. But today he found himself sketching uncharted territory. His hand moved on his own as he waited at the bench for the cabins to assemble, drawing a familiar pair of lips from memory. Pointy on the cupid's bow, plush on the flesh, soft on the bottom lips and round corners. His roommates had been seeming down in the dumps and San was hopeful that a walk around the camp would help. After all, the scenery was beautiful and having lunch in the park felt like a treat to him at least.
He found himself becoming lost in his sketches, drawing eyes that caught light like stares with delicate eyelashes. Round and doe like. The sketches weren’t amazing, but they captured the likeness of Yunho’s best features, the ones that San found most intriguing. His parted lips and soft eyes when he listened intently to something Yeosang was saying, listening hard to hear the deep voice of the quieter boy. His sharp smile and neatly lined teeth when he smiled at one of Wooyoung’s jokes, the crinkle in his eyes when he laughed. The bench suddenly shifted and San jolted, covering his sketches with his hand resulting in a slash of pencil harshly drawn across the page. He gasped, immediately trying to rub it away with his eraser, but only tearing the paper.
“Oh, what are you drawing?” Yeosang’s soft voice asked. San cursed inwardly. Wherever Yeosang was, Wooyoung was sure to follow. He flipped the page closed with red cheeks and a feeling of boiling shame clamping his chest.
“Nothing. Just a study.” He chirped out. Yeosang hummed.
“A facial feature study?” He asked, leaning his arms against the back of the bench. San nodded, eyes darting at the grassy floor to keep them away from Yeosang. How much had he seen? San hoped his amateur sketches were bad enough to not give away his model. “That’s dope. It looks like Yunho kinda.”
“No it didn’t!” San found himself arguing.
“Oh, I must’ve made a mistake.” Yeosang said, though his voice held a sing-song tone that felt mocking to San.
“You did, it was no one.” San said, wondering why he sounded so defensive when he meant to sound unbothered and nonchalant. He kept his book clutched to his chest as the others gathered, as if hiding some kind of treasure from prying eyes. They began their walk near the docks, going over their plans, handing out activity sheets, and then splitting off from the second cabin group. San listened intently as brother Eunhyuk led them through the woods, recounting bible stories and passages as they walked. He could hear Wooyoung and Yeosang muttering behind him while he walked next to Yunho who was silent. His eyes wandered up towards Yunho every now and then who had a far away look in his eyes, focusing only on each step ahead of him.
“-the image of God, he created them male and female, and he said to them ‘be fruitful and multiply-” Eunhyuk spoke loudly and authoritatively, but San couldn’t help but overhear Wooyoung and Yeosang giggling behind him.
“Yeah, the fruit isn’t my problem.” Wooyoung snickered. Yeosang quietly laughed.
“I’m just bad at math, it’s not my fault.” He whispered. San tried to ignore them as they continued to make jokes he couldn’t wrap his head around. Eunhyuk didn’t seem to notice, continuing on, talking about the landscape and all of God's beautiful creatures which lived within it.
“Let’s test how much you’ve been paying attention. I want one of you to finish this verse; ‘the eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again…” He turned around to face the group. San immediately raised his arm, knowing the answer. “San, if you please.”
“What has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” San recited. He turned around to the sound of sudden and sharp laughter.
“Wooyoung? Do you have something to share with the rest of us?” Eunhyuk asked, stopping the group. San’s cheeks reddened with shame and embarrassment. He looked to Yunho who only stared back blankly.
“Oh, nothing.” Wooyoung said, brushing off Eunhyuk’s attention.
At the top of the hill -the end of their hike, San watched as everyone found a spot to sit. Yunho, Wooyoung, and Yeosang sat at the bench their cabin was assigned to while the other cabin sat at theirs. San was meant to join them he knew, but as his gaze lingered over at Wooyoung he caught a less than welcoming look. San stiffened at the glare, Wooyoung and Yunho continuing their conversation as if San weren’t being stared at like prey. He looked away feeling intimidated and his eyes rested on the bench of cabin 2a. Giggles erupted from Mingi and Seonghwa, Jongho and Hongjoong chipping in in a friendly manner. San felt a pull in his chest. They seemed more welcoming than his own group, but he didn’t know them all too well. So instead of sitting with his peers, he sat down with Eunhyuk and Soojong. The safe option.
“Ah, San, sit.” Soojong welcomed him. San sat down with a smile, nodding silently. He placed his bag down next to him, rooting around for the lunch he packed. He’d pulled out all of his sketching materials which caught the eye of brother Eunhyuk.
“Have you been working on your art?” He asked. San felt the hairs on his arms prick up at the question. “I’d love to see it.”
“Ah, no, not really.” San fibbed, shoving the sketchbook off to the side so the topic would be dropped.
“You have a gift from god, why not use it?” Soojong mused. San only hummed.
“I haven’t found anything that’s caught my eye yet.” He said, but his eyes wandered once again to the far away bench, glueing to Yunho who smiled at Wooyoung and Yeosang’s jokes.
"There are many beautiful things God has put on this earth that deserve an artist's reverence." Soojong continued. San was inclined to agree. When Yunho looked back, a passing glance away from the group he was huddled in, San looked away, confused as to why his stomach felt like it was on fire.
°
° °
“On the glorious splendour of your majesty,
And on your wondrous works, I will meditate.”
-Psalm 145:5
°
° °
It was Saturday once again, one day before San’s birthday, and he found himself less than excited about it. He’d never felt this way before, but now he wanted to slink into the background and attract the least attention possible. The ending of the week was welcome. It had been something San had never experienced before. There was a rift between him and his cabin mates. At best they ignored him, at worst they regarded him with confusion and when he tried to get closer, Wooyoung would always find a way to make him flinch back like laying his hand atop a burning stove. Tonight they sat with the other cabin at dinner, leaving San by himself. They hadn’t told him their plans and he wasn’t about to waltz over uninvited. Eating alone at the four person table was humiliating and frustrating at best, disheartening at worst. Despite all of his attempts to reach out to these people, they’d pushed him away.
He found himself helping with the dishes after dinner, barricading himself away from his peers within his age group and doing chores with the sisters and brothers once again. They were the only people who understood him it seemed. The only people who didn’t look at him as if he were an idiot for wondering why in the world they wouldn’t want to be here.
“How are your roommates?” Sister Eunchae asked. San stared into the soapy water, his hands disappearing behind it as he scrubbed at the dishes.
“Um… they’re good?” He said. “We have different interests.” San sighed. He didn’t know what else to say. It was clear to him that he didn’t get along with his roommates for some unknown reason. He understood why he didn’t get along with Wooyoung and Yeosang. Wooyoung was constantly teasing him and Yeosang followed Wooyoung, but Yunho on the other hand seemed to avoid him completely. He believed they would get along at first, that San would make new friends this year since all of his other friends had decided to move on from him. But it wasn’t looking that way.
“Different interests, how?” Brother Dae asked, rinsing off the glasses San handed off to him. San shrugged.
“We just don’t get along. It’s not bad, but they avoid me for some reason.” He confessed. “I’m not sure why.” Sister Eunchae sighed and patted his back.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She said. “It’s better that way anyway, honey.” Brother Dae hummed and nodded and San furrowed his brows.
“If they don’t want to follow your example then it’s better that they keep to themselves.” He said. San was confused, feeling his heart leap in his chest at the cryptic way of speaking.
“Okay?” He muttered.
“I’m just sorry that you have to room with them.” Sister Bomjae spoke up. San turned around upon hearing her voice. “It’s not fair to you.”
“I-it’s fine, they’re not all that bad.” San said, assuming they meant the part where they didn’t get along. “I can deal with it.” Sister Bomjae smiled sadly at him.
“Well, if anything happens, you tell us.” San nodded at her words.
“Of course.” He said quietly, turning back to his work.
He finished his chores and headed out to find his cabin mates where they'd agreed to meet up with Eunhyuk for the fire. San couldn't shrug off the strange sentiments of the counsellors as he walked through the slowly dimming forest, bugs awakening as the day creatures went to bed. Their words caught on him like the mosquitoes that buzzed too close to him. "I'm just sorry you have to room with them." Why? Because they didn't like him? That was fine. They weren't a danger to him and he didn't need their friendship to get by and be happy. He just needed their cooperation.
He didn't find brother Eunhyuk or the other three where they were meant to be. So he confusedly headed to the resource cabins to find Eunhyuk and ask if he'd forgotten, only to have him explain to San that he had waited for half an hour at the rendezvous and neither of the roommates had shown themselves. The campfire was called off because he couldn't find Yunho and Wooyoung. He'd found Yeosang who was at the other cabin's fire, claiming that Yunho and Wooyoung would be there soon. San was given the option to join the other cabin, but as his built up excitement for the campfire dropped so did his exhaustion, and it landed heavily on his shoulders that slumped forwards as he walked back to the cabin. He would simply sleep early tonight.
San froze as he heard quiet noises behind the door of the cabin. He hadn't known anyone would be there. After all the others were supposed to be at the other cabin's campfire. San quietly opened the door, not wanting to cause any interruptions in case someone was having a serious discussion. Instead of a discussion, he found a tangle of bodies on Wooyoung's cot. Wooyoung was sitting back, Yunho in his lap, his broad back to the door. San couldn't stop himself from staring. Yunho's hands were tangled into Wooyoung's hair, Wooyoung's around Yunho's waist, nails digging into Yunho's shirt. When he looked down he could see their hips moving softly, he could hear their voices, soft breaths and mutterings of "more" and "good". The sounds of their lips smacking together and their satisfied sighs and a deep groan from Yunho when Wooyoung's hands dug into his sides.
San's face looked thoroughly sunburnt as he slowly stepped back and quietly closed the door behind him. He'd forgotten why he was there in the first place. What he was meant to do. His head was full of images of the two boys, ears full of the sounds Yunho was making. San shuffled down the stairs quickly and quietly, his hand cupped over his mouth as he held back a sob. He didn't know what he was feeling. He didn't know why it felt so upsetting to see Yunho in Wooyoung's lap, kissing Wooyoung, wanting Wooyoung. Was it because they were both boys? No, that's not what it was. San knew that wasn't it. But he still felt conflicted. He found himself next to the lake, splashing cold water into his burning face. He couldn’t shake the images and sounds from his mind even as he began walking through the woods. He found himself near the dock.
The cold night breeze hit his skin and soothed his overworked mind as he breathed in the smell of the lake. He didn’t understand what he was feeling, but he knew he was upset. Throughout the week his roommates had been clearly avoiding him and he had no idea why. The only one who didn’t avoid him was Wooyoung and San wanted to be as far away from him as possible. Every chance he got he would turn anything into a crass joke, laugh if San tripped up on his words in class, and just yesterday he’d knocked him into the water while they were kayaking, claiming it was an accident. But San knew from the laugh he let out that it was anything but. And the others never stopped him either. Yeosang laughed along with him, and if it went too far maybe Yunho would tell Wooyoung to knock it off. San found himself looking to Yunho whenever Wooyoung acted up, pleading to him through his eyes. But after seeing Yunho in Wooyoung’s lap, practically singing his praises, San knew he was alone in this.
A strange sound from near the docks knocked him out of his thoughts. He moved towards the storage shed, alert and listening. San pressed his back to the shed door, going completely still. If it were an animal it was probably just something harmless like a mink or an otter. But there were also raccoons and skunks, but none of those animals sounded vaguely human the way these noises sounded. A coyote could sound vaguely human. San’s eyes widened at the thought. But then he heard another noise, a slight hiss and a groan, high and satisfied, muffled through some kind of fabric. It sounded like someone was in pain. San peeked over the corner of the shed and spotted a shoulder. The sounds intensified, small groans and quiet gasps that he had to strain himself to hear. He couldn't tell who it was, the voice was unfamiliar and so he peeked over. It was the boy with the split dyed hair. The one who didn't talk back to the brothers or sister yet didn't agree with them either. The one who seemed to observe everything with a keen eye, but rarely spoke. Hongjoong.
The small of his back was exposed and San could tell he was holding his shirt between his teeth, his head rolling back and exposing more skin than before. San’s eyes widened at the sight. Then his small shoulders shook harder, trembling and his gasps grew more rampant and his ears tinged red. His ears looked like Yunho's when Yunho was on Wooyoung's lap, his waist held tightly by Wooyoung, fingers digging into his shirt, voices dripping with moans and whispered praises. San hid himself behind the shed again as he heard Hongjoong let out a final broken moan followed by more gasps and ragged breaths. San sank to the floor silently as he heard a zipper and the sound of a belt and he prayed that the bush next to him would hide him if Hongjoong decided to walk in his direction. But he didn’t and San was grateful, finally letting out a sob as he realised Hongjoong was far away enough not to hear him.
He didn’t know why he was crying. But he felt like he should. He’d witnessed Hongjoong commit a sin and yet he couldn’t look away. No matter how much his mind told him to look away, to stop listening, to leave and go pray for him, he couldn’t. He eavesdropped on him and the worst part, his stomach was curling in on itself, his groin red hot.
“I’m so sorry.” San whispered between tears, squeezing his legs together.
° ° °
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
-Galatians 5:16
°
° °
Sleep had been a battle for San that night. His mind constantly flashed the scenes he'd witnessed hours earlier. When he'd gotten back to the cabin late no one had questioned him and San didn't question Yunho's unruly hair or Wooyoung's bitten lips. His ears replayed the sounds, Yunho's moans and whispers to Wooyoung, Hongjoong's moans as he pleasured himself. San was conflicted, praying the sounds and scenes away, praying that he could forget so he could face his roommates the next day. The next day… Sunday. The second Sunday of the month, meaning it was his birthday. That revelation made San buzz with a different kind of restlessness.
He felt like he'd only slept for two minutes when the bell rang and he heard his roommates shuffling to get up. He watched them in a daze as they got themselves ready for the day. He especially watched Yunho as the taller boy rolled out of bed shirtless, wearing only his sweatpants. His hair stuck up and his cheeks were puffy with sleep and his eyes squinted as they looked at San, but San didn't notice because he was looking at Yunho's shoulders. They were so broad and strong and his collarbones accentuated his chest like a design embossed onto a door. San wanted to burn the image into his mind.
"Are you okay?" Yunho's voice was like cold water, shocking San awake. He hadn't realised he'd been staring.
"Oh. Mhm, just couldn't sleep well." San mumbled. Yunho nodded and combed a hand through his hair. San suppressed a shiver. What was this feeling? Something was curling in his stomach, hot and anxious, spreading to his chest to fill him with heat. He bit his lip as he felt a whimper crawl up the back of his throat and he squeezed his legs together as he watched Yunho pull a shirt over his head, his shoulders and upper back flexing.
"Maybe something's up with the moon." Yunho chuckled dryly, his morning voice deep and gorgeous. San hadn't gotten used to it yet. He never wanted to get used to it. "I slept like shit last night too."
"I slept like a baby." Yeosang chipped in. "Even woke up screaming and crying at one in the morning." He added with a laugh. San chuckled at the absurdity of the joke. Wooyoung was unusually quiet, not even muttering a good morning as he pulled on his clothes.
"What's up your ass?" Yunho scoffed in Wooyoung's direction. Wooyoung pointed a glare at him. Yunho didn't seem intimidated. Instead he flung his hands up, wiggling his fingers and faking a tremble of fear. "Ooo, he's grumpy." He said in a shaky voice.
"Yeah, we're going to fucking church." Wooyoung growled out, tying up his shoes.
"Hey, maybe if you get there early enough you can sit next to Mingi." Yeosang said in a teasing voice. Wooyoung glanced at San and then glared at Yeosang who only laughed. Wooyoung left without another word, Yeosang shrugging and following him out.
"Uptight." Yunho muttered. He looked at San who still hadn't quite woken up. "You wouldn't miss out on mass, what are you doing?" Yunho chuckled. San wondered why he was in such a good mood. Then his mind flashed the scene across his eyelids as he blinked. Wooyoung's strong hands against Yunho's broad back, Yunho hips grinding down. San's eyes widened, trying not to blink again.
"Still waking up." He whispered. Yunho nodded and sat back down on his bunk. San was hoping he would leave so they didn't have to talk anymore. Any glance to Yunho's direction just reminded him of how he wanted Yunho in his lap, to have his hands on Yunho's waist, having Yunho speak his praises, weaning out the noises Hongjoong made on the dock but from Yunho's lips, because of San. He wanted to scream, but instead he shook his head to clear it as he threw himself over the top bunk, avoiding the ladder. If he climbed down it would take longer and he really couldn't stand being in this room any longer than he needed to be. He needed to get to church and pray, focus on something else.
"It's your birthday today, isn't it?" Yunho asked. San let out a squeak, flinching at the mention of it. He quickly dressed himself.
"Yeah." San murmured.
"Well, happy birthday." Yunho said. "Aren't you excited?" He asked. San could feel Yunho's eyes on his back as he laced up his boots.
"Um… no, I don't like having the attention on me." San said. Yunho hummed.
"I wouldn't have pinned you for an introvert." Yunho said. He joined San at the door, slipping into his own shoes. His shoulder brushed against San's and San tensed up.
°
° °
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
-Corinthians 10:13
° ° °
"Today's parent visiting day isn't it?" Yeosang asked as they sat around the breakfast table. They all looked to San for confirmation and he nodded. Wooyoung hadn't talked since they sat down and San thought it was strange, but honestly it was better than Wooyoung saying anything snippy to him.
"Yeah, after mass." San said.
"So no class?" Yeosang asked with a gasp. San shook his head this time.
"No, it's just later. After the meeting." Yeosang let out a huff at this information. Wooyoung dropped his utensils on his plate loudly, pushed out his chair which announced to everyone in the cafeteria that he was getting up. And he left without another word. "Is he okay?" San asked quietly, watching as Wooyoung left the cafeteria after dropping off his dishes in the kitchen. Yunho shrugged and watched Wooyoung with careful eyes full of concern.
"He told me he doesn't wanna see his parents." Yunho said. "Some family stuff going on." San nodded.
"Oh." He said quietly.
"I don't blame him." Yeosang said. "I don't wanna see mine either."
"Why not?" San asked, genuinely curious.
"They sent me here so they didn't have to deal with me. When they get here they'll probably just bitch and whine about how long the drive was and how they had to cancel all of their plans for the day just to visit." Yeosang sighed. "Then when they talk to the counsellors it'll be all "Oh we miss our wonderful son so much, please take care of him and make him normal". It's all bullshit…"
San bounced nervously on the balls of his feet as he waited. Mass had just finished and he was waiting next to Yunho for the parents to arrive. Wooyoung was nowhere to be found and Yeosang had gone to look for him. San wondered why Yunho hadn't gone to look for him instead. After all, it wasn't Yeosang that was so close to him just the other day. Everytime San glanced at Yunho he saw it again and again. Everytime he looked at the other cabin members and saw that split dyed hair, he heard it. A shudder ran through his spine.
"You good?" Yunho asked. San flinched at his attention.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay." San said. Yunho frowned at him.
"Sure? Are you nervous?" Yunho asked. San couldn't make eye contact with him. His eyes focused on Yunho's shoulders instead. Strong and big. What would it be like to drag his hand across the skin there? What would it feel like to have his lips pressed against that skin?
"Yeah, I'm okay!" San said louder than he'd meant to. His face flushed hot and he quickly looked away. "I'm just really tired." He lied. He was lying in a church. He was having these sinful thoughts in a church. He was being stared down by the portrait of mother Mary holding her innocent child, and he was thinking about kissing Yunho's bare skin. He recited the rosary in his head as he waited, willing the thoughts away even as Yunho's eyes lingered on him with a questioning gaze.
"Alright then." Yunho muttered.
Holy Mary, mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death.
San recited diligently within his mind until he saw the face of his own mother from behind the glass door of the chapel. She was smiling so brightly as she always did and his father trailed behind her, smiling as well. San looked around to find Yunho was no longer next to him. To his right, Yeosang was speaking with his parents. Not too far away, Jongho's parents were exchanging hugs with him and Mingi whose parents hadn't arrived yet. Hongjoong was sitting with Seonghwa who was a good distance away from their own parents who sat at the opposite side of the pew.
"Sannie, oh my darling!" San's mother gasped. San felt relieved to see his parents. "We missed you!" She exclaimed as she hugged him tightly. He allowed his father to pull him into a hug as well, cherishing the warmth of both of them.
"I missed you too." San said quietly. His mother looked around in her bag and then pulled out a card.
"Here, happy birthday. We didn't get you anything this year, so there's a bit of money in the card." She said.
"We didn't think you'd want us to pick out clothes for you since you're a bit too old for your mothers fashion sense." His father said. San chuckled. If it was up to his mother she'd still be dressing him every day and finishing the outfit with a little propeller hat. The chapel was quickly filled with the chatter of parents meeting up with their children, parents meeting each other, and talking to the counsellors.
The friendly chatter and laughter was cut off as a crack rang through the building. San turned his head quickly, jolting at the sound. His mother's voice stopped and all three of them turned to see Wooyoung looking down at the floor with a red cheek. His father said something to him, but San couldn't hear it. Wooyoung was biting his lip, clearly keeping himself back from saying something. San's eyes widened when his father threw another slap, backhanded and hard enough to have Wooyoung stumble. San looked at his father who was staring with wide eyes. San silently pleaded.
"Do something. You're the good guy, do something."
If San had the confidence, had the authority, he would go up to Wooyoung's father himself and tell him to knock it off. But he knew he wouldn't be taken seriously. In fact he'd probably make it worse. But no one did anything. They only watched and San felt betrayed on Wooyoung's behalf.
°
° °
"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death; and you will be hated by all because of my name. But the one who endures to the end will be saved."
-Mark 13:12-13
° ° °
"Did you see your parents?" San asked as he sat down next to Yunho. All of the parents had left and class had started later, after lunch. Yunho shook his head.
"No. They didn't come." He said with a shrug. "They don't wanna see me." San was done asking questions about people's parents. After seeing what had happened with Wooyoung, he was beginning to understand why some people didn't want to see their parents.
"Do you miss them?" He asked.
"Sometimes." Yunho said. "But I mostly miss them when I'm actually around them. I miss who they used to be." He said. San didn't get a chance to ask what Yunho meant as the class began. San watched Yunho's hands the whole class. He watched how they sorted papers, how they flipped the pages of the Bible, and how they wrote on sheets of paper. They were delicate and soft looking and yet strong. On his left index finger was a thin silver ring that San hadn't noticed before. It complimented Yunho's dainty fingers and manicured nails.
He was so pretty.
"Do I look funny or something?" Yunho asked in the middle of the class. San gasped, breaking his eyes away from where they rested on Yunho's face.
"I'm sorry, I zoned out." San whispered.
"Right." Yunho sighed.
San spent the rest of the afternoon helping out in the kitchen again. Yunho had asked if he’d wanted to go on a walk with him and the others, but he couldn’t even look at him or Wooyoung. He needed to spend some time away from them so he could think of other things. Things that weren’t unspeakable. He ate his dinner in the kitchen as well, hiding behind the walls so he wouldn’t be spotted and questioned by the others. Why would they care anyway? They looked so much happier without San around, so removing himself was no issue. Or at least he thought so.
After dinner he was surprised to have Yunho call him out of the cabin. He was already in his pyjamas and ready for bed, but Yunho looked serious when he asked him to talk. So he followed him out the door. San followed Yunho down to the lake, his eyes glancing around furiously, his cheeks redder than hell itself. His heart was pounding in his chest as he stared at the taller boy's back. The sun was still setting, but everything San could see was practically a shadow. Yunho looked around before leaning against a tree with a sigh. San kept his distance, standing in front of him, idly picking at his hands.
Yunho's expression was dark and questioning and it had San wanting to look away. But he couldn't because as aggressive as it was, it was captivating as well. The shadows that formed around Yunho's shoulders, the way his white dress shirt tucked into his pants and showed off his waist, only accentuating his broad shoulders more had San shivering. Yunho's arms crossed over his chest, forearms flexing, thin, nimble fingers with beautifully manicured nails wrapping around his own biceps. San's mouth was watering at the sight. The glint of the ring Yunho always wore on his left index finger caught his eye. San wanted those hands on his hips, wanted those arms around his neck and shoulders, wanted to be engulfed in that broad chest.
"The fuck are you staring at?" Yunho spat, his beautiful deep voice sounding like an addictive poison. San winced. "You've been acting weird since this morning, what's wrong with you?" Had he? He hadn't noticed. Admittedly he had been a bit awkward with Yunho earlier, but it was only because each time he saw him all he could see was Yunho in Wooyoung's lap, when Yunho laughed all San could hear was his moans, his pleads for more, his praises for Wooyoung to keep going. San's head was swimming with it. He was drowning in the thoughts of Yunho's pleasure.
"I-I have?" San breathed out. He touched the backs of his cold hands to his heated cheeks, looking away from Yunho as he felt something unfamiliar in the pit of his stomach. It almost felt like fear or anxiety, but instead of wanting to run away from the strange tickly feeling, San wanted to lean into it. Yunho grunted, dissatisfied with San's demeanour, his brow twitching in annoyance.
"Yeah, you're not going on about how much you love it here or religious bullshit like you were before." San sighed, recognizing what the new feeling twisted into in his stomach. Shame. An old friend, familiar and close with him. "And now you're avoiding us."
"Well, you don't like me, I'm just letting you have space." San excused. "I'm not stupid you know. I can tell when I'm not wanted around." He huffed. He sounded like a child. He felt like a child. A stupid boy without an argument, stomping his foot on the ground and whining for not getting his way.
"We don't dislike you, you're just…" Yunho started. San held his breath, waiting for Yunho's words to slap him in the face. And they did. "Weird."
"Oh." San breathed out.
"I didn't care before, but you're being even weirder now. Like staring at us from across the fucking cafeteria like we can't see you." Ah, San remembered doing that earlier during dinner. He thought he was well hidden. He couldn't keep his eyes away, not while Wooyoung and Yunho smiled at each other and Yeosang giggled at their jokes. San wanted to be the one making them smile, laughing with them, not catching their glares or being the subject of their hushed whispers.
"I didn't mean to. I just zoned out." San said, looking down at the dirt under his shoe.
"Sure, that's why you stared at me while I was getting dressed this morning?" Yunho questioned. San didn't remember doing that.
"What?"
“And then stared at me in church, and then at class.”
“I didn’t-”
"Are you fucking stupid or something?" Yunho spat, a cruel laugh behind his words. "You think I'm a zoo animal like the rest of them, don't you? Something you've never seen before, something to stare at for your entertainment?"
"No!" San shouted. "No, that's not- I-I saw you kissing Wooyoung!" Yunho's hand was immediately over top of San's mouth and San felt his back collide into something hard. A tree, the bark scratching at his back, digging into his shirt the way Wooyoung’s nails dug into Yunho’s shirt when San caught them. Yunho's hands moved to San's shirt collar, pulling him forward before slamming his back into the tree again. San’s breath was lost with the motion, leaving his lungs gasping but unable to fill.
"Watch your fucking mouth!" Yunho growled. San's eyes widened, fear coursing through his body. This wasn't how he'd wanted Yunho to see him, how he wanted him to touch him. He didn't want to be the object of Yunho's disgust. "What, you're gonna run to your precious sisters and brothers and tell them all about it? Tell them you saw two abominations committing a sin?" Yunho said behind gritted teeth. San shook his head.
"Why?" He whispered out. He was trying to grasp his words but his brain was jumbled, the flaring pain in his back distracting him and Yunho's hot breath on his face taking him away from his thoughts. He shut his eyes tightly as if that would reset the situation, turn the clock back before he'd said anything at all. "I won't tell anyone, I'm sorry." San whispered.
"Then why did you say anything at all?" Yunho pushed him back again and San felt his head hit the tree. "If you're not threatening to get me in trouble then what's your fucking game?"
"Trouble?" San was genuinely confused now, on the verge of tears. "Why would you get in trouble?"
"You have to be pulling my fucking leg right now, Choi San. You're not this stupid." San's cheeks were hot with embarrassment and he couldn't stop the tears from reaching his eyes, a lump in his throat from holding them back. "I'm not here because I wanna be here, I'm here because your stupid fucking community thinks your God can cure me of the sin of being alive. The same as all the other people like me here. Mingi, Seonghwa, Yeosang. We're not here to have a fun time around the campfire talking about our favourite Bible stories, we're here to be beaten into submission by the word of your 'good lord'." San's eyes widened, shock coursing through his body. That wasn't true, that couldn't be true. The people he loved and trusted, they couldn't be doing something like that, could they? After all, Jesus had said to love the oppressed, to accept difference, not condemn it. And weren't they meant to follow his word?
"What?" San breathed out, his tears flowing down his cheeks like a river. "But…"
"But, but, but- but what?" Yunho mocked. His hands let go of San's shirt with a final push and San hit the tree again, crumbling into himself on the ground. "So you saw, now what? Are you gonna use it against us? To humiliate us in front of your precious cult?"
"No! I don't want that!" San argued, staring up at Yunho from the ground.
"Then what do you want?" Yunho shouted. San shut his eyes tightly. He couldn't say it, he couldn't admit to it, could he? But he couldn't stop himself either, cursing himself as his mouth moved without permission.
"You!" San's voice broke "I wanna be the one kissing you." He whispered out, his voice betraying his mind. He hated himself, hated that he couldn't shut up and keep to himself when it really mattered. This was it. Yunho would kill him for this, he was sure.
"I'm not your fucking lab rat to experiment with. Stay away from me."
The wind blew through San and the sun fully set, leaving him cold and dark in the forest as Yunho left. He couldn't stop himself from shaking. He was all alone in the dark, hated by the people he wanted to be accepted by, feeling betrayed by the people he thought he was accepted by. How could they try to tell Yunho he was wrong for being who he was? They always taught San that God had a plan, that he was to follow the example of Jesus and love everyone equally. San was so confused. If they knew San wanted Yunho would they do the same to him? Would they try to mould him into something he wasn't just because they read the book differently than San did?
He didn't know how long he sat on the forest floor, spiralling. He was being consumed by mosquitoes, swarmed by them but he couldn't move to swat them away. He was paralyzed with all of the flooding emotions coursing through his brain.
° ° °
"But Jesus said to him, “Judas, would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?”
-Luke 22:48