THE WAY I LOVED YOU / 016
OUTER BANKS
₊˚ ୨ ♡ ୧ ˚₊ — confessions under water
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ONE THING WAS SURE FOR EDEN SINCE John B had moved in her house: she was probably going to end up fleeing.
Just knowing that he was there, right in the room next to her, sent signals through her head that she wished she could avoid. Every morning, when he went to his shower, and came out with only a towel around his waist, Eden covered her eyes, brushing his shoulder and then heading towards the kitchen. When he was leaving to see the Pogues, and popped into Eden's room just to piss her off for fun and then ran back out. It was only small gestures that nevertheless made big steps towards a. . . Friendship?
Eden spent most of the last few days just relaxing, refusing messages from Rafe who was always harassing her. She took advantage of those days to watch her mother act as if nothing had happened, talking to John B as if they had known each other for a very long time ( which is actually true ). Usually, what happened after a while like at Midsummers, Yasmina comes to her daughter talking to her about dinner, it was always like that. Why dinner, don't know. Wasn't it a little too easy to forgive her? Yes, but Eden did it anyway. She forgave her, but never forgot the wounds she had just buried in her chest. They were still there, the scars stuck to her heart the more she tried to forget them.
Eden made no effort to reconcile with her mother. She was playing with fire, and she knew it. But she let herself float in the water, swimming between different waves which took her away from what was left of her, taking her to an unknown desert island. She didn't want to apologize, didn't want to have to be cowardly. She wanted to be the one who put fear in her eyes like she did so well. She propagated the thought of never being like her mother, but she had the impression of becoming more and more so. A nightmare stuck inside her, thinking about it day and night.
However, she had plenty of sources that managed to make her drift towards something other than this single thought.
Like a treasure hunt.
Eden was sitting on the Chateau's dining table, her legs placed on the chair in front of her. A smile was placed on her lips as JJ proudly explained that they had found gold. Not that she doubted them — she did — but she thought it was too good to be true. John B patiently awaited the arrival of Sarah who had joined the group for good. Eden still wasn't sure it was a good idea, but did she really have a say? She did it, so Sarah has every right to do it too.
"So what are we waiting to get the gold?" Eden asked with an excited voice, raising her eyebrows. JJ scratched the last of his back, drawing her attention. "JJ? What's the problem?"
"The gold is in a well under a house. . ." He confided. She raised her eyebrows even more, still not understanding. "It's the Crain house."
Eden was stunned for a moment, trying to guess if the features on JJ's face were fake or he was really scared. She bit her lip before giggling. "Okay. I admit you're a good actor, Jay."
JJ shook his head. He took a chair, sitting across from Eden with a serious look. "Seriously, Eden? We used to play there when we were young. It was terrifying."
She stopped laughing, correcting him immediately, "I went to play there. You guys stayed on the other side of the wall being afraid. But, I assure you, there's nothing, JJ."
"I heard that Mrs. Crain buried her husband's head on the property. Like, come on, Eden! She's crazy, we can't go back there."
She got off the table, heading towards the fridge to take out a beer. "Not even for 400 million?" She replied, smirking.
He pursed his lips, frowning. Eden stared at him, knowing that she had already convinced him. He raised his arms in the air, rising from his chair. "Fine. But if I die, it's your fault."
She nodded silently, seeing him go out onto the porch where Pope was still examining the plat map. Eden sighed, wandering her eyes over the photos that were arranged on the wall. Only one caught her mind. Thomas and Big John smiling, beer in hand. This might seem like a simple photo of two simple friends, but upon closer inspection, John B and Eden appear in the background having a stupid hug. She didn't like the feeling she got when a memory stung her in the chest and her throat tightened like a snake around an animal. She squeezed like hell. Memories hurt much more than reality. They define a part of life, unforgettable moments. But also bad ones, and those come to cloister themselves in the head forever.
Eden stared at the image for long, seemingly endless seconds before she heard the sounds of people talking again. She blinked as if to erase all traces of the moment, and went to open the door which gave way to the porch where Sarah was currently placed next to John B, then Pope and JJ who had their mouths tightly closed while Kiara's eyes were headed towards Eden.
"No effing way! You brought both here? So what— she's on this too now?" Kiara exclaimed abruptly, walking the length of the porch, hands on her hips.
Eden frowned. Truth be told, Kiara still wasn't too thrilled about the idea of her being in this.
John B shifted his eyes to JJ and Pope, looking for whatever help he could get. Pope said nothing, shaking his head.
So JJ spoke, "Look, all I care about is her cut comes out of your share."
Kiara added instantly, freezing in front of John B. "You know, I don't remember taking a vote. This is our thing. A Pogue thing."
Eden placed her face in an inexplicable expression or more simply, a slightly lost expression. Those words just didn't make any sense from Eden's point of view. Frankness comes to rest on her lips, biting her lip. "Uh. . . Hey, Kiara. Don't know if you know but—you're a Kook too, whether you like it or not. So whatever is your thing, we're in this. Accept it or leave it."
"And why would I listen to a daddy's little girl who doesn't care about her friends? Let's be honest for once. You're just doing this to point a knife in our backs afterwards, huh?" Kiara let off steam, her eyes full of hatred.
Eden sneered sarcastically, pretending it didn't hurt her as the words buried themselves in her skull. "Shut up, Kiara. You know nothing."
It was the first thing Eden learned when she came into the world : disappear first before being hurt and going last. It was a life lesson. Do it or end badly.
"Look, Kie, I really do—"
"Whatever, Sarah! Forget it, all right?" Kiara shut her down, spitting on her. She turned to the brunette in the corner of the room. "Eden, you didn't need to bring her back. I was almost okay with you, but—"
Eden pointed out, "You're not a boss, Kiara. Take your place and stay there."
JJ raised his eyebrows, looking at the scene while John B remained in a blank stare, trying to find a solution. Pope was the one who spoke again, a little timidly, fearing to make the girls even angrier. "I gotta say, I'm just a tad uncomfortable with all of this."
"When are you not uncomfortable?" John B replied ignorantly, shrugging his shoulders.
Pope said, "I dunno. I rode here on the back of JJ's bike pretty comfortably."
JJ, who looked like he couldn't care less about the fight happening in front of him, was delving deeper into what Pope had just said. "It's true. Most relaxed I've ever seen him."
The brunet sitting on the edge of the sofa, pumped his head to the side in agreement, but still with a firm face. "That's cute, guys."
"You know we were all extremely comfortable until you brought her." Kiara confessed, looking at John B who had his mouth half open.
Sarah finally protested, no longer able to keep the irritation inside her. "Stop talking about me like I'm not here!"
"Then leave." Kiara simply slurred, arrogance ringing in her throat.
Sarah gave a small chuckle of shock, muttering under her breath to herself. "I knew it."
Kiara frowned, continuing the rest of the sentence on her own. "Knew what? That you're a liar? We already knew that."
Sarah immediately confronted, "No, that you're a shit-talking bitch."
Everything went into a storm afterwards. Kiara and Sarah's arguments blended into a single collision, making no sense going forward. While JJ and Pope debated who would win the argument. Eden ran her hand through her hair, rolling her eyes. She motioned for JJ to settle down, then she sat down next to the blond, sipping her beer while looking at the stolen words from all over the room.
"Everybody shut up!" John B shouted, attracting everyone's attention like birds hearing the cracking of braches. He huffed, pointing at Kiara, "Kie, you're my best friend, right?" She didn't respond, only wiggling her eyebrows in response. "Sarah is too. Look, I don't know what's all that, but anyway, we're in this together."
Kiara giggled displeasedly. "Cut the bullshit. She's your friend now? What about you were just using her for information? Get a map, cut her loose. You did the same with Eden?"
She raised her head at the sound of her name, almost not having followed the rest. She gasped silently when she saw John's face. Eyes closed, head falling back. What had she missed?
"You know what, if they're both in, I'm out." Kiara provoked, her voice calming unlike earlier. "You are gonna decide."
John B refused, "I'm not doing this. I can't!"
"Actually, Eden is the problem so, I'm very interested. Me or her?"
He didn't hesitate for even a second when the answer already slipped out of his mouth. "Both."
Eden raised her round eyes to John B who stared at Kiara with certainty. The word came out of his mouth so easily that she thought for a second he might be telling the truth. But the next second, it was just a word that couldn't be true. It just couldn't fit what Eden was to him. But when his soft eyes fell on her, she moved her face from in front of him to let it fall towards the ground instead of smiling to him.
Kiara clenched her jaw before taking both legs and stepping out of the porch where silence had now fallen. Sarah turned to John B, a forced smile on her face.
"It'll be cool, right?" She asked sarcastically. "I'm gonna leave. Gonna let y'all chat. Let me know." Sarah said before walking past the wall, and disappearing outside where she got on her bike and headed off to where she could find some peace and quiet.
Eden watched as John B laid his head back, eyes closed again as he sighed harder. She didn't want to be the cause of another Pogues downfall. It was once, twice was too many. She just didn't know what to do.
JJ slowly stood up, facing John B, humming, "I'd just like to say, you handled that beautifully. Isn't that right, Eden?" The blond asked to have someone agree with him.
She wrinkled her features into a not sure expression as he added more to try to convince her. "I'd just like to add, I'm gonna go home. Are you coming or staying here?" She suggested, her eyes glued to John B who opened his eyes so they fell on her. Eden raised her eyebrows, waiting for his answer.
"Um, yeah. I have some things to finish on the boat." He said, getting up from the sofa to follow Eden who was already starting to leave. "See you tonight or tomorrow, guys."
JJ moved his fingers in a very sensual bye-bye movement, smirking. "Tomorrow rather, huh?" John B frowned, with an expression of disgust.
Pope put his hand on the blond's mouth, while he continued to babble incomprehensible things. "See you tomorrow, JB."
John B gave an awkward smile before remembering something. "Oh, and please don't make a mess if you sleep here, all right? Thank you!"
When he joined Eden in the car, he saw her on the passenger side, her feet crossed together as her white sandals dragged on the floor of the modern car. Her phone in her hands, she didn't pay any attention to John B because if she dared to look him in the eyes, she was going to say something cringy that she was going to regret later. She will therefore prefer to continue wandering in her playlist, looking for the perfect song to cut the absolute uneasiness between them from the scene in Eden's room. She wanted to erase this moment, to no longer see it running through her head as she tried to sleep.
John B sat comfortably in the seat, taking the keys and starting the engine. His forearm rested on Eden's backrest, looking back through the window to see where he was going. She slowly raised her gaze, without even staring at his muscles, and avoided meeting his brown eyes which were becoming unbearable to look at.
She awkwardly placed her finger on a song. Steal My Girl, by One Direction began to ring softly in each of their ears. Eden opened her eyes, planting them on her phone where it marked that it was now bugged. You dirty phone! Eden bit her lip shyly, turning her head towards the window so as not to see him.
But still, John B, well, didn't seem to mind one bit. He swallowed hard, not knowing what to do. He knew this song, Eden had made him listen to it thousands of times just so they could have karaoke together. He brushed the dampness through his well-washed hair from last night, as he turned his head towards Eden who had scarlet red cheeks.
He smirked. "What, you're not even going to sing?" She shook her head, giggling in an ironic whistle. "Even if I sing with you?"
"Especially not if you sing with me." She replied stupidly, finally moving to face him. Eden blinked as he set his lips in a soft line. She opened her mouth so that she could let air flow into her lungs.
Before she could turn away from him, something funny moved in her lower abdomen. Eden placed her hand on her stomach, feeling butterflies circulating there. She pinched herself, wanting this feeling to stop now. She shifted her position, putting her knees in front of her chest, resting her chin on them.
". . .We want the same thing, we dream the same dreams. . ." John sang in a soft but loud voice at the same time, trying to get Eden's attention somehow. "I got it all 'cause she is the one. . ."
Eden shook her head more and more, giggling into her hands while her cheeks hurt by being so red. "Stop that. It's uncomfortable as hell."
"Everybody wanna steal my girl. . . !" He hummed as he held the car's steering wheel tightly, letting the vibrations bury themselves in his eardrums. Eden covered her ears, giving John B reason to sing even louder. ". . .Find another one 'cause she belongs to me. . ."
John B saw her hands placed on her ears. He continued to sing at the same time as he took her left hand and pulled it away from her ear. She closed her eyes, still hearing him singing as if he were alone in the car.
And in a way she don't know, Eden's lips began to move, humming the words to the song that was bursting loudly between them. That was the problem with John B. She was so gentle ( sometimes ) with him that she let her mask fall, and he saw the real Eden shining through. And the worst part is that she realized it right after the scene was over. Like an actress playing a role. Eden was an actress doubting incredible performances.
"She knows, she knows. . . That I'm never gonna let another take her love from me, now!" Eden almost screamed, which was followed by a refrain. She moved her hand as if making a guitar, and began to play falsely. John B slammed lightly the car's steering wheel, still maintaining control.
They finished the song when they arrived in front of Eden's house, both out of breath. She slowly turned towards him, seeing a smirk appear on his magical lips. She stared at him, giving a soft expression before getting out of the car.
"Gotta say that. . . You're a complete lousy singer—"
Eden tapped him on the shoulder, silencing him right away. "Shh. Don't say anything more if you don't want to die in your sleep tonight, John B."
"Don't you dare touch that pretty face." He boasted, gently rubbing his cheeks with his hands. She nodded, her eyebrows raised. He rolled his eyes. "Hey, tell me if I'm wrong but. . . Things were going great with Kie, right?"
"Guess too. But I think she hates me even more after today, if that's even possible. She looked like she was going to put both my eyes out." Eden said, walking towards the house at the same time as John B. He hissed under his breath, getting her attention. "What?"
"Eden," he stopped in the middle of their ride, making her look up at him. He put his hands in his pockets, admitting, "You don't know how provocative you can be just by being there. Have you seen yourself? Kie's just jealous of you, I think."
She stammered, "I swear that wasn't my intention, John B. I didn't want to provoke her, but at the same time I don't accept being stepped on without fighting back. Women aren't supposed to help each other?"
"Do I look like a woman, Eden?" He joked, frowning. She raised her eyebrows, pointing at his hair. "Oh, no. You always said my hair were amazing, don't you dare."
"Oh, but they still are, John." She answered. She winked at him in the face, smirking.
John B felt himself fall to the ground right in front of this. He hated that she could be so much. . . Normal? But being so charismatic. He looked up and down, not knowing what to say next.
Eden took a deep breath, separating their eyes from each other, then started walking again. "I understand Kiara at the same time. She has every right to be against the idea of me in the group. She's a true friend, she wants you to be happy. She doesn't want you guys to be hurt."
John B gently grabbed her wrist, stopping her for the second time. He corrected her, "You are both very different. No need to know you by heart to know that you put others before yourself, Eden."
It was so shocking how he could say the exact words she wanted to hear. He wasn't even thinking, these words were placed on his mouth like a key to open a treasure chest. The truth came out of his mouth because the other chest was blocked, and its key had yet to be found. Eden was a real treasure that had yet to be found. Every tear that ran down her cheeks in the night before she went to sleep helped hide the treasure even more. And hid, afraid that the light would flash on her and she would be exposed to the world.
She looked away from him, clearing her throat. "Uh— I. . . I have to go. I have things to do so I'll see you. . . When you pass me in the hallway in the house."
"Sure." He responded kindly.
Eden nodded uncomfortably, then turned on her heel to head towards the garden where she came across Fred Barrow playing with Bella. She frowned at the scene that was happening before her eyes. Fred running with Bella, trying to outwit her by moving his hands to either side.
Traumatizing, she thought, judging him with character.
Fred finally raised his head, and stopped immediately when he noticed Eden staring at him with her arms crossed. When Bella looked at her, she gave a puppy smile before walking over to her and jumping on her body.
Eden shouted while petting her dog, "Don't ever do that again, it's too much, sir." Fred gave a thumbs up, to which she rolled her eyes and walked back the other way.
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JOHN B ROUTLEDGE FELT TOO MUCH.
Sitting at the table with the Winslow family, seeing a man other than his father in front of him as they talk, having to act like nothing is happening with the mother hitting the daughter next to him, and just having to be friend with Noah, it made him feel bad. Not that he would have preferred to go with a host family, but. . . It was the feeling of not belonging to this community that made him feel bad. He hated the Kooks, but yet here he was, hovering over their house.
It was being in the same house as the people they had known for over twelve years, but in a completely different world. It was no longer the pretty local family that sells fish to survive, it was no longer any of that. Coldness now filled their lives, their moods, their actions. It was only rain and no more sun. John B could feel it just by being at that table where the only topic of conversation was the work, the money earned for the week. Nothing was said just for fun, seriousness reigned in their mouths. And he can tell, it was boring as hell.
So when they finished eating, John B helped Eden clear the table without them exchanging a word. They then did the dishes, him cleaning and her drying. The moment he placed the last plate in the cabinet, he turned to thank Eden but he saw her already heading towards her room, putting her headphones in her ears. He didn't try to hold her back and looked down at his hands where Eden's bracelet was lying. He hadn't left it going anywhere since Eden handed it over to him, he always left it near him. He moved it between his fingers, staring at it with half-open eyes.
Was it wrong of him to miss Eden? Because he thought it was wrong. This bracelet was the only way for him to still feel in contact with her, to be able to think that nothing had happened. Nothing had come between their friendship and they were still playing cards while nibbling on marshmallows. He thought it was bad, because compared to her, he hadn't yet managed to move on. Eden seemed so not to care, to no longer care while he was still stuck in his dreams. And that wasn't good. But he couldn't help it. He wanted her standing next to him jokingly complimenting his hair, winning soccer in front of him and doing a stupid dance for him. In fact, he wanted the Eden he had known. Because seeing a former friend, an enemy, whatever you want to call them, but seeing someone degrade like that was horrible to see.
In the evening, lying in bed still dressed in his shorts and shirt, he scanned his phone where Eden had installed new applications for him. Watching a Netflix series, he heard a splash of water from the open window. John B turned his head quickly, then paused his episode before getting up and looking through the window where he discovered Eden floating on her back in starfish mode. He blinked. The stars falling into the water of the pool joined Eden who suddenly gave herself a blow with her arms and let herself sink into the water.
John B frowned, then started running out of his room, almost tumbling down the stairs. He walked towards the back door, but before he even opened it, he noticed Eden swimming back and forth. He let a sigh of relief escape his throat before opening the door. He shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked slowly and timidly towards the edge of the pool, sitting down just where she could see him when she looked up.
Eden, still in her world, did not see John B right away. She continued to finish her length before raising her head, and jumping, screaming loudly. She placed her hand on her chest, calming herself directly as she looked at the person sitting in front of her. "What the fuck, John B! You scared the shit out of me!"
John B whispered, "Sorry."
She huffed, rubbing her eyes to remove some water. Being in her one piece swimsuit, Eden felt like she wasn't being watched by John B at all. It wasn't weird, John B never really looked at Eden rudely when she was in a swimsuit compared to some people. She turned to him, finding him playing with something in his hands. She choked on her breath when she noticed the bracelet, but pretended it was nothing.
"There's something I don't understand, Eden," John B began, catching the attention of the girl moving in the water. He locked his gaze on her, narrowing his eyes with furrowed brows. "You've always been the one who said to never trust the opinions of others. That it was our life, our choices. And now. . . I find you completely absorbed in other people's comments."
Eden clenched her jaw, staring at him with eyes that were not angry, but pissed because he had once again succeeded in unlocking a new question, which equals new answers.
She shrugged her shoulders. "That's what they want. They want to be the ones who control our lives even though they're not even really a part of it."
John B shook his head, muttering something back, "But you, what do you want?"
It was the first time someone really asked her what she wanted. Not what others wanted, not what Yasmina wanted, but what she wanted. There were too many things she wanted, too many things she wanted to erase from her life. But if there was one thing she wanted, well, it wasn't within her reach. You can't bring the dead back to life. Then. . . What else did she want besides her father? A question buried in her head for too long for her to answer now. Actually, she didn't know what she wanted. At all.
So she simply said, "I don't know. What am I supposed to want when I already have everything, but nothing?"
John B, moving his feet in the evening water, ran his fingers over the bracelet in his hands. "We all want something." He said without looking at her. Eden waited for him to say something, but nothing. He remained silent as she began swimming in the pool again.
Minutes passed, and even though she didn't bother to talk to him, John sat at the edge of the pool with his feet in the water as he stared at the moon lighting up the Outer Banks. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he didn't want to leave. He just desired to stand there, watching her swim without worrying about himself. John B only wanted to stay by her side and appreciate her presence.
But the silence crossed the line when Eden asked a question, "Why did you say that?"
John B preoccupied his eyes with her, letting them blink a few times as he tried to guess what she was talking about. He gave up. "What did I say?"
Eden huffed, "You said : both. Why did you say that?" She repeated, raising her eyebrows.
John B swallowed hard. He had the answer on the tips of his lips, he could tell. He had nothing to lose, and maybe it would hurt less in his chest after he told her. But yet, looking at her with her softened gaze, he almost wanted to lie because he knew that his answer would hurt her.
Whatever, he thought before admitting in a single breath, "Because you matter to me." Almost worried eyes appeared on Eden's face. That's it, he was sure of it. She moved her lips, trying to say any word that could express what she had to say about this, but no sentence would be able to explain it.
She had failed. She had promised herself never to get close to John B again, to never make him have any friendly feelings towards her again. She didn't want to have to do that again, she didn't want to push him away from her like last summer.
"And. . . It's a weird feeling," He continued, looking down as if ashamed of what he was saying. "Because you were just a distraction at first." Eden blinked her eyelashes, causing droplets of water to fall on her cheeks like tears. She licked her bottom lip, listening to him speak. "And I know it's bad what I'm doing. But I can't help it."
Eden whispered the only thing she could say now, "You should have chosen Kiara."
"That's the problem," he replied, shaking his head. "I didn't want to choose her." He confided and this sentence came to sting his chest as if it had just provoked a feeling of betrayal.
"Don't do that to your heart, John B. You don't deserve that." She told him, moving her arms so as not to fall to the bottom of the water. He stared at her with his brown eyes, lightly lit by the light of the house's security lights.
John B ran his hand through his hair, trying to remove the awkwardness between them. "We're friends, right?"
She caught her breath, searching for an answer. Her heart was racing to say yes, while her head was trying to hide by saying no. Eden will never refuse to be friends with John B again, even if it's just for a treasure hunt. But what worried her was that it would maybe end like last summer. And then she would have really screwed up.
"Friends," she hummed against her wet lips, nodding slowly. John B took this agreement as the start of a new beginning. "But if we are friends, you'll have to give me Kinder Buennos like before."
He smirked, chuckling softly. Getting up, he said, "I'll give you some."
She raised her lips upwards, crackling with shivers. She moved towards the edge, exiting the pool and plowing into the chest of John B who was standing in front of her with her pink towel with watermelon details. He apologized calmly, stepping away from her and giving it to her. She blinked, seeing him blush at the light.
Wrapping her towel around her waist, John B looked away, stuttering over his words, "I— I— I'm gonna go to bed. Uh. . . Good night, Eden." She said nothing, watching him turn on his heel and walk back towards the house.
When he put his hand on the doorknob, Eden's trembling voice echoed between his ears, "Last summer," she began, "you weren't the problem. It was me." He moved his head to the left, looking at her over his shoulder. "It's always been me."
"Yeah," he agreed with her, then added in a tone that spoke the truth, "it's always been you."
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authors note: yeah ik what ur thinking... I FINALLY POSTED 😭 im so sorry like fr im sorry i took sm time to write this chapter but im not doing very great and school is a real b*tch so yeah 🫠
anyway, hope you liked this one!! i know it feels kinda rushed ( and it is ) but i just wanted to post it so here it is hihii
tried to include john bs pov, did u liked it?? my baby have also feelings that is not much talked about lol
in the next chapter ( dont know when it's gonna be up, but there's gonna be a flashback of last summer........... don't say anything more )
bye-bye!! take care of yourself and love u <3