THE WAY I LOVED YOU / 013
OUTER BANKS
₊˚ ୨ ♡ ୧ ˚₊ — lost in the labyrith of my mind
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TWO DAYS AFTERWARDS, EDEN FOUND HERSELF surrounded by wealthy people, carrying tables in their arms as well as fake plants. With Midsummers approaching, Eden has been forced to help Yasmina ( in fact, the whole neighborhood ) set up the hall, contacted the guests, the cooks and the security there will be. Not that she wasn't in the mood to do this, but with everything going on on the Pogues side, and even on the Kooks side as well, she wouldn't mind just spending one more day lie in bed watching romance movies. But no, Yasmina had decided otherwise. Eden had been forced to spend all day calling, and bringing boxes in trucks so that it could go to the building where Midsummers would take place.
Eden just didn't understand why she had to do all this work while Noah was content to walk between the house and the garden, beers full of hands. It only took him forty minutes to do that, and then he was free as a bird to fly back with his little friends who didn't give a damn but watch Eden deal with all this. But she just said nothing, and let it go this time.
Despite. . . Eden hated for god's sake Midsummers. She only went once as a real guest, and not a person who just crashed with JJ and John B to join Pope who was helping his dad with the food. Everything always seemed too much to her. Too much money, too many hypocrites, too many hundred dollar suits and dresses. She never really understood the purpose with this party. In her head, it only wanted to prove their wealth and their pleasure to come and brag about what they do in their lives. Every time someone came to talk to her, it was to explain his stuff about work, important trips, or just how they want to transform all of Outer Banks.
Most of her time at parties like this, Eden found herself sitting at a table alone, beer in hand as she laid her eyes on each person who dared approach her, then shook her head. She didn't like how they could all dance without realizing that the people they danced with didn't even care about them for real. It was just an excuse to approach each other and then steal the most money from the other by offering them contracts. All were so naive to see anything coming. But Eden said nothing. What was the point of informing them when they were all going to look at each other, and burst out laughing in front of this one girl who seemed to care about something other than money?
Even though Eden had said yes to help Yasmina with the decorations and the arrangement of the hall, she had no intention of putting a single toe at this stupid party which was still going to make lies, money fly but above all, pride in each Kooks who can earn the gratitude of someone in this place. She just wanted to spend her night with her stuffed polar bear ( Potato ) and listen to every movie that came to her eyes as her hands squeezed into her bowl of popcorn.
But! Obviously, Yasmina had to point the tip of her nose in the contradictions of Eden and come and shake her so that she agrees to come. Here's how it happened — while Eden was running the black pen from paper to paper, sitting on her bed while she was checking the food that the mother had planned with Rose Cameron, knocks on the door came, making her raise her head towards it, meeting Yasmina's gaze who was leaning against the door frame.
"Can I come in one minute?" Yasmina asked with a smile on her face. Eden nodded, putting down her pen on her bed. The mother came to sit next to her, leaning her buttocks on the sofa. "So, how are things going?"
Eden rolled her hand in her long brown hair, sighing, "Great. I'm just checking the last details. Don't worry, everything will be ready in time."
"I know. I trust you, hon." She mouthed, the words entering her daughter's head, but she didn't believe it for a second. "Look, um, I know you said you didn't want to come but. . ." She stopped for a moment when she saw Eden lowered her head, not wanting to argue with her today. "Don't you want everyone to see you? I mean, you did all this work. And I know that was a lot to ask, but you did it anyway."
"Exactly. I did it so I don't have to come with you guys. I just wanna stay here." She replied sincerely, her facial features tired. Yasmina nodded, but ended up shaking it. "Are you serious, mom? You know what I think about that anyway. That's not for me."
"But it's really important for the reputation of the family, sweetie. Ever since your father died, people have taken pity on us and. . . I don't want to live like this anymore." She explained. "I— I want to rebuild my life. But I need you for that."
The first lesson Eden learned growing up is that a child is incapable of saying no to her parents when they asks for her help and says that they need her to get there. Eden was always going to have a small unse of hatred for her mother, but it was above all the woman who had brought her into life and who could have what she currently had. She would have liked to be able to tell her that she had to do it by herself, that she was never going to help her because she herself never helped her daughter to accomplish her projects.
But the second lesson that Eden learned growing up a little more is that she never wanted to become like the woman who was in front of her at the moment. She wanted to be the complete opposite of what she was. Eden wanted to give what she could never have. She wanted to show everyone that she was thinking of others. Yasmina was the opposite, she only cared about who she wanted, when she wanted.
Eden relented, "Fine. I'm going."
Yasmina instantly flashed a big smile, leaning down to give her daughter a hug. Eden crumpled under her touch, lightly patting her back. "Thank you, Eden."
She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, raising her eyebrows. "Yeah. You're welcome."
"And plus, I think you'll have a date? Don't you? Like. . . Rafe Cameron?"
Eden chuckled, declining the proposal with a firm hand gesture. "Surely not. If I go, I go alone."
As Yasmina went to reply, a boy appeared in the doorway accompanied by a girl with blond hair. Eden turned her eyes towards the silhouettes, and a relieved smile appeared on her lips. "Oh. Hi, Sarah."
"Hi. Um, I didn't mean to bother you, I—"
Yasmina shook her head, standing up ready to leave. "You don't bother. You're always welcome here. I'll leave you then." Sarah smiled kindly as Yasmina left the room, but stayed next to her son who still didn't move from his spot. "Noah? Are you coming?"
"Why? Am I not welcome here?" He commented, making Eden roll her eyes. "I just want to spend time with my sister."
Eden exasperated, sighed, "Except that I don't want to see your face. So if you don't mind, I kindly wish you to get out of my room before I crush your hand." She provoked, now standing in front of him, pushing the door of her room.
Noah quickly removed his hand before the door closed with a loud sound. "You almost broke my finger, you brat!"
Eden sighed, annoyed. She went to sit in her desk chair, turning in circles as Sarah lay on the comfortable bed. "Are you okay? I thought we were going to see each other tomorrow at Midsummers."
"Yeah, I know, but. . . I needed to see you 'cause, well, you actually owe something, Ed'."
She hated when sentences started like that. What was what? What had she done wrong? Was she going to jail for stealing orange juice all her life when she was younger?
Eden stopped spinning in her chair, landing straight in front of Sarah. The blonde sat down with her legs crossed between them. "I know that might be the real reason but. . . Eden, have you seriously been to Chapel Hill to find out more about your father when it's only Denmark Tanny information? Plus, with John Booker Routledge? You owe me a clearer explanation because it doesn't make any sense, and though I try to guess, I can't." She concluded, giving a small sneer.
Eden remained frozen in front of her, her eyes fixed with hers. She's always had a little more confidence in Sarah than anyone else because, well, that's Sarah. The little blonde who stood up for her and John B when they were younger. She never had a bad heart with the Pogues, she never wanted war between the two camps. She was like Eden on this term. She found it ridiculous, and that's why Eden was more serene with her. Because she knew she wasn't necessarily going to take it the wrong way if she told her what she'd been doing with the Pogues for two plus weeks.
"You know you can trust me, right? I'm always on your side. You're my best friend." Sarah confessed, sending a shock through Eden's heart.
She nodded, keeping the same facial expression to show no emotion, but ended up lowering her head. "Um, you're right. I. . . I kind of used you, and I'm sorry. So, the— the real reason I was there, with John B, is. . . Are you sure you want to know? Like, this could completely change your life from now."
Sarah opened her mouth, raising her arms. "Duh, totally. You can leave me in suspense like that, dude."
Eden sneered, then took a deep breath. "We're on a treasure hunt."
Sarah's eyes throbbing with excitement lit up like a lamp that we turn off at night, giving way to a laugh from the heart, not believing Eden's words at all. But the Winslow girl kept a steady gaze, quickly stopping Sarah's laughter which was wordless. "Oh, shit. You're serious."
Eden slowly nodded, a smirk. She started to tell everything from the beginning. The letters she received after the boneyard, the meeting with the Pogues the next day ( without mentioning the bad guys to prevent her from having a heart attack ), their time at sea to find the Royal Merchant, the mysterious Violeta, then she and John B going to Chapel Hill to find things about Denmark Tanny.
Sarah stayed there, looking at Eden with frowning eyebrows and her gaze filled with thousands of questions. She didn't know how to react to that, but the first thing that came to mind was, "I'm sorry you thought you couldn't tell me about it, E. I would never judge you on your choices."
Eden shrugged, smiling a little. "It doesn't matter."
"So, if I summarize, you guys continue the search for the treasure of your father and that of John B's. But. . . Thomas supposedly betrayed Big John? And then, there is this Violeta?" She said, her words wandering between each thing that Eden explained to her, understanding nothing at all. "To make more court, you look for. . ."
"Four hundred million." Eden cut her off in her sentence, leaving Sarah even more in shock than before. "But, I mean, there's a whole other story behind that. Just, like, Violeta, the anonymous letters, Fred Barrow. . ."
"You think Fred is in that, too?" Sarah asked, eyebrows raised.
Eden hummed, "I don't know. It's just weird that he was appeared when my dad disappeared."
"Cool. I wanna help." The blond suddenly proposed, winning Eden's disagreement. "Come on. I'm the one who helped you to go to Chapel Hill. I'm in that, too, now."
Eden shook her head. "It's too dangerous, Sar."
She shrugged like it meant nothing. "All right then. So this will be the first and last mission for Sarah Cameron."
Eden had no chance of convincing Sarah to go back on her last words. But she would have liked her to turn around because neither one nor the other knew how it was going to unfold and end. Anything can happen with the Pogues. And mostly, it's not always a happy ending that awaits them. But they manage to get away with it, don't they?
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OFTEN, THE HARDEST PART OF LIFE IN EDEN was living being lost in the labyrith of her mind. In her brain, nothing gives itself to an option when a choice presents itself to her. Or when her personality must derail between different in less than ten minutes. Every path she could take through this labyrith led to a choice she would either regret or love. She will never know what would have happened if she had taken the path to the right, or the one to the left, to the back or even straight ahead. These choices were made to be made, because going back, the proposed paths were already shuffled. When Eden makes her choices for good, no turning back is possible because it could be even worse. Or maybe better, but she preferred not to go anywhere because it could hurt her even more.
When she decided to join the Kooks, all paths were already blocked. Whether backwards, forwards, left or right, the tracks that went to infinity were blocked by a barrier; YOU HAVE CHOSEN YOUR SIDE. Eden didn't even decide to counter her thoughts, she believed them stronger than what her heart truly wanted. And that's true. The thoughts always manage to win, as the heart fights day and night to try to free the bad choices that jiggle in her head. Eden never had a great power over herself except that she managed to control her emotions. It's like her shadow is there watching her do every wrong thing, and it says nothing to nothing because. . . Well, it's a shadow. But nevertheless, its presence is so strong that Eden feels it growing more and more on her.
And she was scared that one day, she won't be able to be her again. She'll be just that stupid shadow. She will be for good only a living ghost in the minds of others. What she was already.
But when she headed out to dance with John B in the rain, she didn't feel like a ghost. Eden had felt hundreds of eyes on her, and that had disturbed her more than anything. She wasn't used to being noticed by being her pure soul. Eden was used to people looking at her as an intruder from the outside world, as a little girl capable of taking everything in the second degree and leaving everything behind. So when all her eyes landed on her face floating in her floral blue dress, she felt alive. But not that feeling like when she almost got run over by the Twinkie and saw she was still alive. Alive in the sense that she was there, as she wanted, and as who she wanted. She felt alive like little Eden Winslow did.
And she managed to feel that way because of him. John B never tried to leave Eden with her demons, he always tried to get her out of there so that she found the angels and could fly with her white wings. And he succeeded. While dancing in the rain that day, Eden's fiery red wings managed to go out, and the white ones showed up a bit.
"Hey, Eden." She jumped at the expectation of her name, her sunglasses falling down her nose. Fred came to sit on the deckchair placed next to her while she wiped her mouth, the rigidity feeling on them. "How are you?"
She rubbed her eyelids, then falling face-to-face in the sun taking refuge all over her body. Eden groaned, hiding her eyes with her hands. "Why did you wake me up, sir? I need sleep to prepare for Midsummers. And with all that's going on right now— God. Just why?"
"Eden, Midsummers it's just tomorrow night. You can sleep tonight." He said, lean towards her, elbows resting on his knees. She rolled her eyes, sighing. "Come on, there's someone for you."
"I'm dead." She snored, turning her back to him.
"Alright. Do you prefer that he come here or that you go see him? Because he's going to see your hair all messy." Fred argued.
She could have taken the first rock at her feet, and just put it in his mouth so that he would stop bothering her if she hadn't seen a tall blond man crossing the garden with a small white box wrapped in a black bow in his hands. Eden swore under her breath, and asked for Fred's help to get up. Here were the red wings that were going to come out again.
Eden stared at Rafe making his way towards her with beige pants down to his ankles, accompanied by a basic white t-shirt, one hand in the pockets while the other held the box squarely. She sighed, then waved her hand to tell Fred to get out of here. He nodded, and as Eden feared, Rafe was now a meter away from her, a tired smile hanging there.
"Hi. I, um, I asked your mother where you were. I needed to see you before tomorrow." Rafe spoke in a calm voice as if he was afraid of getting jumped on. Eden stared with furrowed brows, and tight lips in a thin line. "I got you this. It's nothing fancy, but it's a little present for Midsummers. As your date, I had to make sure you—"
Eden turned her head to the side, chuckling ironically. "I'll stop you now. We're not going together."
"What? Why not? We're good, I told you I was sorry the other day." He replied, the obvious ringing in his voice.
The irony crept into Eden's sentences, "Oh, because you think that's enough after what you did and said, Rafe?" His eyebrows rose in a v-line, looking at the girl in front of him as if she was delirious. "And you know very well that your apologies are never worth anything. You just said it so that I would forgive you and then we'll walk side by side with a big smile. But it's never real, huh?"
Rafe hissed, "What, do you want me to get down on my knees and apologize for just telling the truth? I'm really sick that you don't take me seriously."
"You know it's not just that, Rafe." She pointed out, shaking her head.
She was never going to understand how he could suppose to love her, or have any affection for her when he's always the last to notice when she's hurting, or when he does or says something mean and isn't able to apologize properly. He couldn't even admit his mistakes, and the hurt he inflicted on her so why did she have to have just a little pity on him and forgive him?
He ignored her retort, taking a step towards her. "Wow, okay and— and what about, where were you two days ago? You don't think I saw him in the car with you that day? It's that Pogue, huh? He's the one who brainwashed you and get delirious?"
"Can you just stop talking about the Pogues? That's not about them. That's about the fact that you can't stop being jealous and don't see your mistakes, Rafe. You say being the one sick of it, but so do I!" She let him know, raising her voice a little hoping that the anger crossed Rafe's brain, and that he finally realized. But no. He looked her in the eyes, lips raised in an evil smile. Eden frowned, and concentrated on her emotions so as not to let her hands move towards Rafe and push him with force. "What's so funny, huh? You swallowed a fly?"
Rafe shook his head, squinting before pointing at Eden with his hand. "No. It's you, Eden."
"Oh, that's me?" She asked sarcastically, taking a step forward. "I know my humor can knock people to the ground sometimes, but please, don't overdo it."
Rafe dodged that remark, still with raised eyebrows. "It's you. Eden, can't you see that I'm trying to do my best to make you happy with me? I like you, and you know it. But you play with me. And then you let yourself be carried away by the Pogues and their bullshit. Then afterwards, you dare say I'm the problem here in this relationship?"
Eden nodded, stepping back two steps to her starting point. "So if I make it shorter, it's all my fault that you're such an asshole?"
"After that night at the Boneyard, you've changed. You're not the same anymore. You're ignoring me more and more, you're treating everyone like shit, and you're leaving me at Topper's party. Can you tell me what this dickhead told you exactly?"
You deserve better than that.
End Rafe's bullshit.
Just be yourself.
But who was she? Eden never really knew who she was. It was always a game between personalities. But if she had to describe herself in one word, she would have chosen the one that John B had given her at her eleventh birthday party. Sunshine. He had always seen her as a kind of light illuminating the lives of others when they are lost in the darkness. But the question remained the same for Eden, who was her sunshine? Was she the sunshine of all, or just a light lit up and then extinguished and fell into the hands of monsters?
"I'm tired of you." She snapped, then got ready to leave when a big hand came to rest on her wrist, turning her around, right in front of him. "Hey—"
"What's wrong with you? I'm trying to bring the best for you."
"No. You're trying to bring the best for you. But I don't want you, Rafe. So let it go now." She groaned, breaking free from his grip on her wrist. "We're done. Whatever it was between us, we're done."
"Fine. But don't you dare come back to me begging me to be with you again." Rafe grumbled.
Eden chuckled. "You always come back to me. Don't reverse roles, Rafe."
He clenched his jaw, letting his anger-filled eyes wander into his eyelids dangling over Eden's flushed face. Rafe ran his hand through his hair, then tossed the white box in her hands in a gust of wind, but she let it fall to the ground, not even reacting a movement. Eden kept her face flat like cement until her feet decided to move, walking in the opposite direction of Rafe — towards the house.
"You know I care about you, right?" Rafe's voice rang again between Eden's eardrums, but she didn't stop and continued to walk towards her home. "If I want so much that you don't see the Pogues, it's because they're going to hurt you, Eden. They're not good people. I just want to protect you."
Protect. She didn't know she had to protect herself from him too now.
Rafe sighed, then strode over to the girl, pulling her back to him by the arm. "Can you listen to me? Why are you always like this? Pushing me away? I'm not asking for anything but—"
"Done. D. O. N. E. We're done. Get that in your head, Rafe." Eden said with as much intensity as she could before pushing him away, and making her way.
Often, the words that come out of the listeners when Eden talks about her problems, she uses them whenever she can. Sometimes it goes wrong and it would have been better if she would listen to her heart and do things better, but when the words come out of the mouth of the boy who knows her better than anyone but who is at the same time the boy who hates her, she chooses to do as he says. Because although she has changed, John B did not. He never dared to be mean or a jerk when she talked about her problems. He was, in fact, always the first to try to help her and make her understand that she wasn't always the problem.
As she said these two words to Rafe — we're done — it was as if Eden had succeeded in getting out of the bubble representing Rafe Cameron's toxin which surrounded her. It was like a gust of wind that managed to pass between Eden's lungs after a panic attack. No one was ever going to understand what it felt like to finally be able to escape the demon that was pulling her again and again towards the red flames in the distance.
And suddenly, as she was walking to her home, a big ball formed in her throat, as she stopped right outside the door of her house. She had nothing to do but open the door, and this discussion would now be behind her. But something held her back. Eden was not sad. She couldn't be sad for Rafe Cameron when he never loved her, but. . . Something got stuck there. Was she too hard on him, was it mean or what he deserved?
She placed her hand on the left side of her chest, over her warm heart which was bouncing a little too fast. Eden grabbed the handle of the door, and tried to open it but her hand also started to tremble like the rest of her body.
"Hey, Eden," Noah called out, running to his sister, the little white box in his hand. She still stood there, her left hand still on the handle as the other sought to rip out her heart and make it stop. "Yo, I found this in the garden. Isn't it yours by any chance?"
The words came to Eden's throat, but none of them were able to come out. She blinked again, biting her lip as her breathing quickened, but nothing came in or out. It was only a rush of air that deflected Eden's mouth, giving her hope and then leaving to mix with the wind of the trees.
Noah continued walking towards her, mouthing things into Eden's ears like a little fly, "If you don't take it, I'll tak. . ." Silence, everything seemed to become confused. "Oh, and mom is looking for yo. . . Eden?" His face suddenly went pale when he saw the fear and the way she couldn't breathe. Noah dropped the box on the floor before running his hand over his sister's back. "Hey, come here."
Eden moved her moist hand from the handle, then came to take refuge in the arms of Noah who was welcoming her without even asking questions. He was well aware of Eden's panic attacks since the second one she had. The first person who knew it was JJ when he found the ten-year-old Eden leaving her house after an argument with Yasmina when the blond came to see her to go fish. Noah discovered it when Eden arrived in the middle of the night in his room, and couldn't speak. She was scared, it was even worse than the first. Her eyes were filled with water that could be seen in the light of the moon.
That night, Noah had never been so afraid for his sister. He didn't say anything, he only invited her to come and sit on the bed then put his blue blanket on her shoulders, warm her up and he played at braiding her. It had calmed her down a bit, and she was asleep there. But now, Eden wasn't ten anymore. And she had a big character, so he didn't know how to act. Then he just held her tight in his arms, not saying anything and rubbed her back in a slow, delicate motion.
She let herself be carried away by the gentleness that Noah always kept for Eden in those moments, and the air finally began to pierce each hole between her lips and came to settle in her lungs. She closed her eyes, hugging her older brother closer. "Thank you, Noah."
She sniffled, remaining in his arms as he rested his chin on her head. "You never told me your panics were back, Ed'."
Shrugging, she muttered the inevitable, "I didn't see the importance."
He pressed his lips together. "Like always."
She knew he was right about that, but she preferred to remain silent and slowly walk away from him. Eden wiped the corner of her burning eyes, then displayed a smile to reassure him. "You can take it." She assured, making Noah frown. "The thing in the box, you can take it."
So he bent down, then picked up the box and his fingers gently removed the black fabric that kept it closed. Noah smirked when he saw the necklace standing there. Eden frowned, until he took the jewelry out of the box and showed her. Her breath caught as she fixed her gaze on the silver necklace with a dangling star, accompanied by a small green dot in the middle.
It was the necklace she had seen when she and Rafe had been shopping with Sarah and Topper, and then she had fallen in love with it. She probably would have jumped on it four months ago, but right now she just closed her mouth and turned on her heels to finally walk into the house, leaving Noah alone with the jewelry.
Had she just made a mistake towards Rafe? Did he love her? Was she the bad guy from the start?
She was currently lost in the labyrith of her mind.
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authors note: yep, ik this chapter sucks. but i really like the way i described eden's thoughts :)) i think i'm making progress in my writing and i like it!!!
no john b in this one, but in the next there will be the pogues ( little moment with kie surely because they deserve it ) eden & jj / eden & pope AND of course, jedens moments YEAAAHH 😘
oh and do u like the new gifs theme?? that's cute or noooot? need to know rn!
don't forget to let comments!! that always makes me happy 🤭
anyway, love you all <3
see u next time!
( next chapter = midsummers......... )