Starfire gently took his hand in hers, unable to find the right words. Her heart swelled with nothing but love and concern for him, and she wished she could take away all the pain he had endured.
"Perhaps we should go eat breakfast?" An attempt to get his mind off things was made, though, she wasn't sure if it would be successful. Starfire herself understood what it meant to be held captive and tortured for the use and amusement of others.
"Yeah." Richard looked at her, and in that moment, Starfire saw the vulnerability behind his usually strong exterior. His walls were crumbling, or, perhaps they already had.
The Titans gathered around their large dining table for their celebratory breakfast, laughter and chatter filling the air. The recent victory over Slade and finally having their leader, Robin, return home had lifted their spirits, but as Starfire glanced over to the man, she could see that something was amiss.
They all sat, each person filling their plate to the brim with lovely foods prepared by the two biggest foodies in the team. Garfield had his own provisions that were vegan and animal-cruelty free, just as he liked it. Victor partook in having an excessive amount of meat mixed with a sprinkling of some eggs and toast. Starfire and Raven both only took what they deemed necessary, each of them having a warm cup of tea as their desired drink of the morning.
Robin sat at the table, his eyes glazed over, lost in a world of his own. He picked at his food, barely taking a bite—preoccupied with self-doubt and haunting thoughts. He was incapable of getting rid of that lingering feeling that, deep down, perhaps he was a bad person.
"Robin?" The table quieted down as Starfire spoke, the rest of the Titans noticing a look of concern etched across her face. "Are you alright?" She asked softly.
He glanced at her for only a moment, but his eyes quickly returned to the plate of food in front of him. "Yeah, I'm fine." He mumbled, trying to put on a brave front. The joyous occasion had taken a sour turn as all of the others, too, had stopped eating their food.
"You can talk to me." She said gently, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "Us, all of us. Whatever it is that's troubling you, you don't have to face it alone."
Richard, with a quick motion, removed his hand from her grip and stood from his seat. "I don't need to talk about it!" He exclaimed. "I'm fine. I'm just... not.." He sighed. "Just leave me alone." Dick waved his hand, as if to dismiss any other comments. Without another word, he stormed out of the kitchen, leaving the Titans behind. The quartet watched as he exited the kitchen, dragging his feet on the way back to his room. His outburst, while it had happened before, stunned the others into silence, and they exchanged worried glances. Robin was in no mood to explain himself or to be vulnerable in front of them. Or in front of anyone. Ever. After the ordeal with Slade, vulnerability was the last thing he wanted.
Starfire wanted to go after him, but she was aware that he needed his space, even if it broke her heart to see him in that way.
In his room, Richard paced back and forth, his frustration boiling over. He couldn't stand the thought of being weak. Of showing his fear. That vulnerability. He was supposed to be the leader—the one who always had it together, but it felt as if he was falling apart. He punched a hole through a wall in frustration, a release for the overwhelming emotions inside. The pain in his hand was nothing compared to the turmoil within. He had to be strong. He had to keep everyone safe. He couldn't fail. Not again. Not this time, and that meant burying his own feelings deep down.
As he stood there, Dick's anger gradually subsided, and a wave of sadness washed over him. He was tired. Tired of pretending that everything was okay. When it wasn't. When it never had been. He was tired of carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders with no one to lean on.
He did have people to lean on, though, he simply refused to ask for help. That was his greatest weakness, perhaps. The inability he had to talk to those around him and get what he needed to off his chest.
A soft knock on his door caught him off guard. He hesitated for a moment before going to open it. Starfire appeared outside, her concern still evident, but she carried with her an offering of buttered pancakes with syrup drizzled just across the top. Without a word, she entered the room, closed the door, and sat the plate on the nearest surface she could find before wrapping him in a comforting hug—letting him know that no matter what, she was there for him. She felt his gloved hands brushing up against her back and sighed in relief. To be frank, she was scared that he was still upset and wouldn't want anyone around.
As their bodies met, their arms wrapped around each other tightly, pulling each other closer. The world outside and all the negative thoughts seemed to fade away. Richard rested his head against Starfire's shoulder, feeling her soft hair against his cheek. He felt her heart beating steadily against his chest. Her hands gently caressed his back, soothing and tender. With each stroke, he felt himself letting go of the weight he had carried for so long. The walls he had built around his heart had started to crumble.
Maybe vulnerability wasn't a bad thing. Maybe not with her.
Their breaths synchronized and the world felt right, if only for a fleeting moment. It was more than just a hug; it was a meeting of souls. They both could feel the unspoken words passing between them, a language of emotions that needed no verbalization. As they finally pulled away from the embrace, their eyes met, though his still hidden behind the mask, and they exchanged a silent understanding.
"You're not alone, Robin." Her arms had still been interlocked behind his neck. Something about that embrace kept her wanting more. Though she knew she had to release him and instead placed one of her hands just barely on his chest, the other holding his forearm that he still kept wrapped around her waist. "And when you're ready," a soft smile formed on her face. "I'll be here to listen." Her hands met behind her back with his and she removed herself from his grasp, making note of the slight wince he made as she held his fingers.
"Your hand..." Starfire's voice tinged with worry as she saw the blood flowing through his gloves.
"Yeah..." Richard took an unsteady breath, nodding to the hole in the wall behind him.
"You were angry?" A nod from the man. "Why?" Star led the two of them towards his bed, gesturing for him to sit before she joined him.
"I don't know, Star..." His voice fluttered with uncertainty. Richard wasn't exactly hiding the truth. There was so much he was processing that he couldn't think clearly. Was he angry because he let Slade get away again? Was he angry that he let his family down? Was he angry that he broke under stress? "I just.." He took a breath again, as if he was struggling to calm his heart. "Sometimes I just.. I—" He wasn't sure what he was trying to say, or how to say it. His words and his actions were divergent. They pulled him in opposite directions, as if his brain's narrator and navigator had entirely different ideas about the world. "It's hard." Robin admitted. Starfire watched as his chest rose and fell with each heavy breath he took. As if his brain was telling him that this was a battle, and his heart surged alongside.
"Of course." She reassured him. "I'm sure what you experienced there was far less than ideal."
"It's not just that. It's not.. what he did." Star's eyebrows furrowed at the statement. "It's what I did."
"You had no choice." The Tamaranian told him. "We're not faulting you for anything that happened."
"No, Star," he stood from the bed, her hands slipping from his as he did such. "That's just it. It is my fault. Everything that happened. It's my fault. I could've prevented it. I could've stopped it before it even started." He was monologuing. "If I had just thought for two seconds. If I took a breather like you were all telling me to do, and I didn't—if I wasn't.. such an idiot!"
"Robin." She stood alongside him, her hands now on his shoulders. Her only means of bringing him back to the conversation. "You're not..." Once she realized she had his attention again, she continued. "An idiot." Those words stung her to say. Like thousands of ants biting her all at once.
"I let you get hurt." His voice fell below a whisper and she could see his eyes shaking behind his mask. "I let all of you get hurt." His words, too, were shaky. "I was so blinded by rage and hatred." Robin avoided any and all eye contact with Starfire. "And, sometimes, I wonder if.. all of the things I've done, or didn't do... if all of the people I've hurt... if it makes me a bad person."
She attempted to interject.
"I try to be the hero, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. Fooling everyone around me."
"You're not defined by your mistakes." Starfire's heart ached for him. It was obvious the burden he carried was far deeper than anyone could've previously imagined. "You're a good person, and you've done so many wonderful things for others. Everyone makes mistakes." She leaned closer, her voice gentle and sincere.
"I wanted him dead." A brief pause. "I want him dead." His confession cut through the air like a knife, shocking even himself with the intensity of his anger. His fists clenched and his jaw tightened, as if he had relived the visceral fury that had consumed him in those trying times.
Richard couldn't bear to look her in the eyes. "I wanted nothing more than to smash his head into the ground until his brains came rolling out." Star was taken aback by what she just heard come out of his mouth, her own left agape by such a phrase.
"Robin—"
"I want him to burn in hell. I want him to watch himself rot away, and to have that be the last think he recalls before he dies." Starfire's eyes widened. "I want him to suffer in writhing agony. I-I want him to feel the way he made everyone around him feel. To feel the way he made me feel." She had seen him angry before, of course, but never like this. This was... something deeper. More primal. She had always admired him, his strength, and his sense of justice. Though she, alongside the other Titans, never comprehended the toll that fighting against evil could take on someone's soul.
"The number one ruled I've always lived by as a hero was 'no killing.' So, why, all of a sudden, do I want to break that rule?" He gestured with his whole body, turning himself away so the tears could fall from his eyes without her seeing.
"When did I become a bad person?"
His question lingered in the air for a few moments before he rested himself on his bed again.
"Have I always been one?" He felt a lump forming in his throat. He wanted to sound strong, to be the leader she believed him to be, but the weight of his uncertainty threatened to crack his voice.
"You're not a bad person, Robin." Starfire attempted to reassure him. "Bad people don't sit and fight with their thoughts about whether they're bad or good." She exhaled, once again joining him on the bed. "From what I've learned, humans are psychologically complex creatures." She brushed some hair behind her ear. "Being good or being bad isn't an all or nothing situation. How I see it, the pathway to evil begins as small acts," she emphasized purposefully, "of cold heartedness. Those small steps become more significant as they add up. If you fear you're on the pathway between love and indifference, start making choices for love while you still have enough soul to redeem."
Richard, though he listened intently, wasn't convinced that he wasn't, in fact, a villain.
"You are not inhumane for wanting or, perhaps even fantasizing, about those things. When you act on those desires is when it becomes problematic." The way she spoke on the matter had calmed him immensely, though he still was fighting a battle with his own self-image. "I believe that's what you'd call 'intrusive thoughts?' And as long as they aren't acted upon, then that's all that they are. Thoughts."
"But, what if I act on them—?"
"Robin," she quickly severed his speech. "If you have to ask yourself that question, you won't. If you are so conscious of how you feel, how these thoughts make you feel? Of how worried you are about hurting other people... You won't act on them." He tried to get another word in. "You've never stooped to his level. You have a kind heart, and that very heart," her hand nuzzled itself gently upon the left side of his chest. "Is the same one that keeps you from becoming the very monster you fight against. Your strength lies, not just in your fists, but in the actions you take and the choices you decide to make."
Richard looked at her, his emotions beginning to ebb. He found comfort in her love and understanding, knowing that he could share his darkest, innermost thoughts without judgement.
"Thank you..." Was all he could muster as a response. Starfire smiled gently, squeezing his non-injured hand.
In that moment, they both knew that their bond had grown even stronger. Through shared pain and vulnerability, they had found a far deeper connection—one that could weather any storm. And, together, they would face the darkness and find their way back into the light.