❛ Emptiness is filling me to the point of agony. Growing darkness taking dawn. I was me, but now he's gone. ❜
SEASON 4, EPISODE 16
A
━━━━━━ October 22, 2011
BIANCA AND CARL SLEPT in the station wagon after the traumatic night set by the Claimers. Her arms wrapped around Carl's chest and held him tight to her chest despite the small width of the seats. They both needed comfort and found it in one another.
⠀⠀⠀Cal turned away from them. He could feel the rage growing inside him as the sun rose. A firestorm of emotions filled his chest as he began to pace the length of the car. His mind was filled with all the ways he could have avoided the night before. How he could've killed those men before they ever laid a finger on Bianca.
⠀⠀⠀Cal retraced everything he did and wondered if this was the best outcome. If he hadn't gone with Daryl and lost Beth, they would have never come across Bianca. The Claimers would've continued to track Bianca and Rick until they were raped, beaten, and dead.
⠀⠀⠀Vomit threatened to come up as he was thankful Joe had found them and taken them in.
⠀⠀⠀Then, Cal remembered the look on Bianca's face. Her eyes were wide and dark as night, mouth agape, and fear consumed her. That wasn't directed at anyone but him. Bianca saw him as something to fear. When he tried to touch her the second time, he knew that she was afraid of him.
⠀⠀⠀The worst part was Cal understood. There was something twisted up inside that enjoyed killing that man. He would do it all over again to keep her safe and pray she wouldn't look at him the same.
⠀⠀⠀Daryl walked past him with a slim smile and a water bottle. He came to a stop where he crossed Cal's path and rested his hand on Cal's shoulder. He had a knowing expression that had Cal ready to bolt. Daryl understood... and Cal didn't like that either. As if he had also hurt Bianca in a similar way. Cal didn't know! Maybe he had killed someone for her, too.
⠀⠀⠀"She was just scared, man," Daryl tried to assure him. His brows relaxed, and his grip tightened. "She'll come around."
⠀⠀⠀"Maybe," Cal muttered, antsy to pace again. It felt like his stress would work through his feet and dissolve away. Now it was all back, and he couldn't shake it just standing around.
⠀⠀⠀"Give her time. She's seen worse."
⠀⠀⠀Cal didn't like that reasoning. What could be worse than this? Maybe he meant Lori. He'd heard of how she died and Bianca being there. Carl had been there, too. That was likely why they took so much comfort in each other now.
⠀⠀⠀Cal nodded so Daryl would move on. He resumed his pacing.
⠀⠀⠀Cal knew Bianca likely saw worse, but it was different. She saw Cal kill someone. Not herself, not a friend, but someone she trusted, loved, and looked to for comfort. Not someone who created acts out of hate and malice.
⠀⠀⠀He didn't just murder a man to protect her. He let out everything inside him on the rapist. He exploded into a monster he desperately ran away from. Cal could feel it in his flesh, seeping into his bones. He was turning into the Governor. A man who smiled with kind eyes, but underneath, everything turned to pain.
CAL WAS PARANOID THEY'D missed someone from the Claimers group as they left camp and walked along the train tracks. He was sure someone would pop out of the woods seeking revenge. He shook his hands out from the nerves, and his eyes traced the edges of the woods. His ears picked up every little sound. When Michonne and Rick started talking to each other, he nearly jumped into the sun. At least they kept their attention on each other and didn't call him out for being over reactive.
⠀⠀⠀He shook out his hands once again, and his eyes spun in all directions. His hand was taken into a smaller one, calloused from building and warm to the touch. Cal looked down to find Bianca at the end of that comfort. She looked ready to cry again.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca's face was clear of injuries other than a hint of road rash against her cheek and the cut she had before. She stood on his right side, allowing her to hear anything from the trees. Her lips, pink and sweet, flitted up into the smallest of smiles. Cal could feel his heart crack. She shouldn't be the one comforting him.
⠀⠀⠀"It's okay," Bianca said softly, her hand squeezing his tight. "I'm okay. We're okay."
⠀⠀⠀"You're not. You—" his voice cracked.
⠀⠀⠀"I'm fine. I'll... I'll be fine," she said.
⠀⠀⠀He frowned. Cal had really failed this time if Bianca felt she needed to put up a front for him.
⠀⠀⠀"Bianca, it's not fine. It's not okay," he said sternly.
⠀⠀⠀"No," she agreed. She let out a tired sigh, like she didn't want to talk about it more than that. Though, she didn't turn away. "It's not. But it has to be."
⠀⠀⠀"You can still—We can—"
⠀⠀⠀"We have to be okay. Promise me that."
⠀⠀⠀Cal stared at her, amazed. How had she picked herself up so fast when he was close to shattering?
⠀⠀⠀"Promise me we'll be okay," she stressed a second time.
⠀⠀⠀Cal nodded slowly. "We'll be okay," he said.
⠀⠀⠀"Right now, we focus on getting to safety," Bianca said with a determined frown, her gaze locked onto his. "Then we can break. But not now. Not while we're needed."
⠀⠀⠀Cal laughed a little, and it startled Bianca. She jumped slightly at the sudden, unexpected noise and furrowed her brows. He wasn't sure how to explain why he did. It would hurt too much to tell Bianca how much she reminded him of Beth. Bianca felt like she couldn't let herself feel in order to survive, just like Beth. But, in this instance, Bianca seemed to be right. They needed to make it to Terminus before they shut down completely. Even Carl, who'd gotten similar treatment to Bianca, was doing okay.
⠀⠀⠀"You're right," he whispered.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca smiled. It was full of anxiety and awkwardness, but he was happy that she could still find light in these dark times. Cal wavered, wanting to bend down and kiss her, but felt it wasn't appropriate. Bianca seemed to agree as she left him with a chaste kiss on the cheek. Cal found it more purposeful of love and goodwill than any other they'd had before.
THEY FOUND A PIECE of wood pulled off a box with the word 'TERMINUS' spray-painted in black.
⠀⠀⠀"We're getting close. Be there before sundown," Daryl said.
⠀⠀⠀"Now we head through the woods. We don't know who they are," Rick said.
⠀⠀⠀They departed from the train tracks and entered the woods like Rick said. They moved as silently as possible with pine needles and dried leaves crunching underfoot. A fence appeared, and the six crowded around to look into the sanctuary they'd been dreaming of.
⠀⠀⠀It was quiet below. There was a red brick building with TERMINUS written on whiteboards. Below was a courtyard. There wasn't a person in sight, but they could be on the back end of the building.
⠀⠀⠀"We all spread out, watch for a while, see what we see, and get ready," Rick instructed them in a whisper. "We all stay close."
⠀⠀⠀Rick stayed by the fence, Michonne and Carl returned the way they came, Daryl to the left, and Bianca and Cal to the right.
⠀⠀⠀The couple walked through the woods in silence. Cal was still burning up inside, both with anger and anxiety. Bianca's claim that they were okay helped to simmer down his paranoia and brought him to reality. The Claimers were dead, Bianca was with him, and they were as okay as they could be. However, the silence was beginning to get to him. He didn't want to be in his head for much longer.
⠀⠀⠀"You shouldn't feel guilty," Bianca broke the silence for them. She could always read him. Why did he think that maybe things changed and she no longer saw him? His heart fluttered. God, did he love her. "I don't want you to feel guilty." A strange tremor in her words brought his gaze to hers.
⠀⠀⠀"I don't," Cal interrupted her. He didn't mean to. It was defensive and came up like he was throwing up.
⠀⠀⠀"You do," Bianca corrected him. "I can see it on you. I didn't before, and I'm sorry I didn't—"
⠀⠀⠀"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry," Cal said, his voice nearing hysterical. Bianca looked at him with those reassuring eyes. Those brown eyes that were filled with warmth and honey made for him.
⠀⠀⠀"No," Bianca told him.
⠀⠀⠀She could be so full of fire that it was like dropping into an ice bath. Her tone was sweet, her words reassuring, and he wanted to bring her the same comfort. Why couldn't he?
⠀⠀⠀"You don't need to feel guilty or like your less than because you haven't been around since the beginning. Like Daryl or Rick. You do more for me than anyone else and—" Her words hitched, and her eyes filled with tears. This time, one passed over her cheek. He wanted to brush it away but stopped himself. "I know how you feel. Like everyone around you dies, but... it's not your fault! It's not mine, either. Unless you're on the other side of the bullet, it's not you."
⠀⠀⠀Those words weren't for him. He realized that this was for her. She needed to hear this for herself. She realized that he was feeling left out of their group, that he felt he wasn't enough for them... but then that last part held a missing piece. There was something Cal had missed, too. Something that haunted Bianca so that she thought she fully understood how Cal was feeling.
⠀⠀⠀"What—What do you mean?" Cal asked after a moment.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca stammered for a second. Maybe she realized she'd spun this onto her. Maybe she just didn't know what to say. Cal was there to listen whichever way because he could see the weight she was carrying.
⠀⠀⠀"I was there," Bianca said. "I killed. People died. And I felt like the person who did all of it. I killed my dad, Tomas, and Lori. They sat inside of me and ate away at everything until I felt like nothing of who I used to be. But..." Tears flowed freely now, and her voice became heavy. "It's not true, and I don't want you to fall into the same place. Because it was so dark, and I felt so alone even when I had you. And I don't want you to ever feel like what you did wasn't a good thing. I am so thankful for you in all ways. And I'm sorry for acting as if I'm not, but so much has happened and—"
⠀⠀⠀"Bianca, don't apologize to me!" Cal exclaimed. He was upset she could even think this. That he was upset with her because she was traumatized. "You have every right to be afraid of me, of what I did. I'm... I'm a monster..."
⠀⠀⠀His words slowed as he watched the sad smile across her face.
⠀⠀⠀"I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of you becoming me," she said.
⠀⠀⠀"What?" he asked, taken aback.
⠀⠀⠀"When I looked at you, I recognized it," Bianca explained, her eyes darted away. "When I killed Tomas in cold blood. Ripped the flesh from the Governor's neck. Smashed skulls after the first time we were attacked. It's this rage inside that I find myself turning to when I'm upset. It fuels me and drove me to darker and darker places. I don't want that for you."
⠀⠀⠀"I—I—Bianca...?"
⠀⠀⠀Neither knew what to say. Their conversation was too honest to bear. Cal realized why they should've waited until they found safety. But their time seemed to boil over until they found silence together.
⠀⠀⠀"You're not a monster," Bianca said softly.
⠀⠀⠀"I feel like I am," Cal sighed.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca's hand took his. She wiped the tears from her eyes and then looked up at him with a grin.
⠀⠀⠀"Then, I guess we both are."
⠀⠀⠀Cal smiled. It didn't necessarily make him feel much better about himself, but knowing she was right beside him was enough.
⠀⠀⠀They returned to Rick and the others. Rick buried his pack of guns at the edge of the forest in case things went awry. Then, one by one, they climbed over the fence. They scoped the perimeter and found no immediate danger in front of them. They jogged out in the open, over the tracks that passed through the community, and toward an open fire door.
⠀⠀⠀Daryl entered first as Rick held the door open for the rest of them. They passed through a short hallway and followed a voice into the next opening. A woman with white hair sat at a desk with headphones on and a PA mic at her lips. On the other side of the room was a group of people, and they hardly noticed the group as they worked.
⠀⠀⠀"Terminus—those who arrive, survive. Follow the tracks to the point where all lines intersect. There are maps at the crossings to help guide you with your journey. Sanctuary for all. Community for all. Those who arrive, survive..."
⠀⠀⠀"Hello," Rick greeted, walking into the room. "Hello," he said again as everyone in the room paused. The six of them with weapons drawn against the old woman and a handful of workers.
⠀⠀⠀"Well, I bet Albert's on perimeter watch," one of the men at the workstation said, exasperated. The others around him scoffed in agreement. "You here to rob us?"
⠀⠀⠀The man walked forward. He was tall and lean, with dark hair and a beard just starting to come in. Cal heard Bianca take a quick intake of breath. He glanced over at her, but her expression was the same. If something was wrong, she didn't let it slip.
⠀⠀⠀"No. We wanted to see you before you saw us," Rick explained.
⠀⠀⠀"Makes sense. Usually, we do this where the tracks meet. Ahem," the man said awkwardly. He walked forward a few more steps, raised his hands, and smiled. "Welcome to Terminus. I'm Gareth. Looks like you've been on the road for a good bit."
⠀⠀⠀"We have," Rick agreed. "Rick. That's Bianca, Cal, Carl, Daryl, Michonne."
⠀⠀⠀"You're nervous. I get it," Gareth noted with understanding. His eyes lingered on Bianca, a strange recognition passing between them. He smirked as his brow raised as if waiting for her to do something. Her shoulders tensed, and her fingers twitched against her gun, but she didn't move. "We were all the same way. We came here for sanctuary. That what you're here for?"
⠀⠀⠀"Yes."
⠀⠀⠀"Good. You found it," Gareth assured him. He returned to the workstation and called, "Hey, Alex!"
⠀⠀⠀A man with curly dark hair and a yellow flannel approached them. He smiled kindly at them all, then directed his attention to Gareth.
⠀⠀⠀"This isn't as pretty as the fun," Gareth explained. "We got nothing to hide, but the welcome wagon is a whole lot nicer. Alex will take you, ask you a few questions. Uh, but first, we need to see everyone's weapon. If you could just lay them down in front of you."
⠀⠀⠀"Alright," Rick agreed.
⠀⠀⠀He pulled out his gun and set it on the floor. Everyone followed except Bianca. Her gun stayed at her side as she stared at Gareth with a clenched jaw. Something was wrong, and everyone was beginning to notice.
⠀⠀⠀"Bianca," Rick whispered. There was an undercut to his tone that tried to say that if something was wrong, they needed an out. Trapped inside a warehouse wasn't it.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca let out an annoyed breath and dropped her gun.
⠀⠀⠀"I'm sure you understand," Gareth said.
⠀⠀⠀"Yes, I do," Rick agreed.
⠀⠀⠀Gareth and Alex approached the group and started to pat them down, one on each side.
⠀⠀⠀"I'd hate to see the other guy," Alex said to Daryl, noting the cuts and swollen bruises on his face.
⠀⠀⠀"You would," Rick said, slippery as he conveyed a warning.
⠀⠀⠀Alex moved on to Carl, while Gareth went to Bianca.
⠀⠀⠀"Nasty cut there," Gareth noted, a teasing smile as he pointed at the wound on her head.
⠀⠀⠀She scowled at him.
⠀⠀⠀"They deserve it?" Alex asked Carl.
⠀⠀⠀"Yes."
⠀⠀⠀The two finished with Michonne and Cal then took a step back.
⠀⠀⠀"Just so you know, we aren't those kind of people, but we aren't stupid either. And you shouldn't be stupid enough to try anything stupid," Gareth explained. He spoke directly to Rick but glanced at Bianca when telling them not to be stupid. "As long as everyone's clear on that, we shouldn't have any problems. Just solutions."
⠀⠀⠀They were handed back their weapons as Gareth left the room. Alex smiled warmly as he directed them out of the warehouse.
⠀⠀⠀"So, how long's this place been here?" Daryl asked Alex as they passed through the side door into a courtyard.
⠀⠀⠀"Since almost the start," Alex said. "When all the camps got overrun, people started finding this place. I think it was instinct, you know? Follow a path. Some folks were heading to the coast, others out west or up north, but they all wound up here."
⠀⠀⠀Outside, there were blooming gardens and a woman at a grill. Cal's mouth was watering with the smell of cooked meat, and his worries vaporized momentarily.
⠀⠀⠀"Hi. Heard you came in the back door. Smart. You'll fit right in here," the woman said to them with a sweet smile.
⠀⠀⠀"Hey, Mary, would you fix each of these new folks a plate for me?" Alex asked.
⠀⠀⠀"Why do you do it? Why do you let people in?" Michonne asked him, her eyes narrowing.
⠀⠀⠀"The more people become a part of us, we get stronger. That's why we put up the signs, invite people in. It's how we survive." He handed the first plate to Carl. "Here."
⠀⠀⠀Rick lunged forward at Alex and held him in a locked position. His hand dug into Alex's pocket, and pulled out a watch. Glenn's pocket watch. Cal and the others grew tense, ready to fight. Rick pressed the watch into Alex's face and demanded, "Where the hell did you get this watch?"
⠀⠀⠀Cal looked around them and noticed Bianca wasn't behind him like he thought. He glanced at Daryl, who scowled, realizing it too. Cal raised his gun as the people of Terminus turned on them.
⠀⠀⠀"You want answers? You want anything else? You got 'em when you put down the gun," Alex snapped at him, his hands raised in surrender.
⠀⠀⠀"I see your man on the roof with a sniper rifle. How good's his aim?" Rick asked, turning them toward the sniper so that Alex could cover Rick. "Where'd you get the watch? Where'd you get the watch?!"
⠀⠀⠀"Don't do anything!" Alex screamed at the sniper. "I have this! You just put it down. You put it down." He returned his attention to Rick and said, "You want to listen to me. There's a lot of us."
⠀⠀⠀"Where did you get the watch?"
⠀⠀⠀"I got it off of a dead one. I didn't think he'd need it."
⠀⠀⠀"What about the riot gear? The poncho?"
⠀⠀⠀Cal followed his line of sight to see a woman in Maggie's poncho and a guard in Glenn's riot gear. Bianca was still missing, and Cal was going to be sick.
⠀⠀⠀"Got the riot gear off a dead cop. Found the poncho on a clothesline," Gareth claimed as he walked up behind them. His arm was wrapped around Bianca's shoulders with a gun pressed to her head. Her eyes found Cal, and she apologized silently for getting herself caught.
⠀⠀⠀"Gareth, we can wait," Alex pleaded.
⠀⠀⠀"Shut up, Alex," Gareth snapped.
⠀⠀⠀"You talk to me," Rick whispered.
⠀⠀⠀"What's there left to say? You don't trust us anymore," Gareth stated. "I don't think Bianca will survive my gun twice."
⠀⠀⠀"Gareth," Alex continued.
⠀⠀⠀"Shut up."
⠀⠀⠀"Gareth, please."
⠀⠀⠀"It's okay. It's okay," Gareth told him, raising the gun out toward him to tell Alex to calm down. "Rick, what do you want?"
⠀⠀⠀"Where are our people?" Rick hissed.
⠀⠀⠀"You didn't answer the question."
⠀⠀⠀Rick screamed in frustration, throwing Alex around and a bullet in his head. Cal was sure Bianca was dead as gunshots surrounded them. However, Gareth just threw Bianca forward and sprinted away. Cal grabbed her by the arm and pulled her toward them.
⠀⠀⠀They ran at a breakneck pace through the community as gunshots followed them. Cal ran with Bianca at his side as they entered a warehouse. The bay doors closed in front of them. Rick tried a gated room, but it was locked. A white-on-black sign spray painted with the letter A was their only option.
⠀⠀⠀They entered an alley, gunfire blocked their path from going one direction, and they went the other way. Cal noticed a fenced-in area with corpses rotting out in the sun. His nose turned up, but he couldn't consider more than that they were there. He continued running with the others, past a storage unit despite the pleading coming from inside.
⠀⠀⠀They ran through a bay door that wasn't closed, the letter A following them. Inside, they came into a room that was dimly lit. There were no windows but hundreds of candles around the room. They rested on the floor and shelves, making it impossible to run through without catching fire.
⠀⠀⠀On the floor were hundreds of painted names, and matching on the wall were the words: NEVER AGAIN. NEVER TRUST. WE FIRST, ALWAYS.
⠀⠀⠀"These people, I don't think they're trying to kill us," Michonne said breathlessly.
⠀⠀⠀"No." Rick shook his head. "They were aiming at our feet."
⠀⠀⠀Rick led them to a side door, but it closed immediately. There was another door—another A—and Cal was beginning to dread the letter. They kept moving as the Terminus people directed them.
⠀⠀⠀They were back outside, gunshots at their feet, and the fence was within reach. Then, twenty or so people popped up from the brush along the chainlinks. Guns pointed at them in all directions, and Cal realized they never had a chance.
⠀⠀⠀"Drop your weapons! Now!" Gareth yelled. He was up on the roof behind them.
⠀⠀⠀They didn't move. They were at a dead end, but it couldn't be this easy. They should be able to fight. They needed to—
⠀⠀⠀"Now!" Gareth demanded.
⠀⠀⠀Cal followed Rick's lead and dropped his knife and gun without a care. The metal clattered against the concrete.
⠀⠀⠀"Ringleader, go to your left. The train car, go," Gareth directed.
⠀⠀⠀There was a brick-red train car just beside them. That godforsaken A spray painted on the side of it.
⠀⠀⠀"You do what we say. The boy goes with you. Anything else, he dies, and you end up in there anyway."
⠀⠀⠀Rick sighed, looked at Carl, and gave him a reassuring nod. He walked toward the train car as asked with a scowl on his face.
⠀⠀⠀"Now the archer."
⠀⠀⠀Daryl followed after Rick.
⠀⠀⠀"Now the blonde."
⠀⠀⠀Cal glanced at Bianca, a nervous frown settled on his face. Bianca nodded, and slowly, he followed after Daryl.
⠀⠀⠀"Now the samurai."
⠀⠀⠀The three walked ahead. Rick was still a few feet from the entrance, but he looked back as Michonne started their way over. Cal looked over his shoulder to catch her eye. She was rageful but kept herself intact like she had in Woodbury.
⠀⠀⠀"Now the hothead."
⠀⠀⠀Cal watched Bianca's shoulders tense as she realized Carl would be left alone. She said something to him, likely reassuring him before she walked forward with them.
⠀⠀⠀"Stand at the door! Ringleader, archer, blondie, samurai, hothead, in that order."
⠀⠀⠀They waited a moment as they all stared at Carl, still standing in front of Gareth.
⠀⠀⠀"My son!" Rick demanded.
⠀⠀⠀"Go, kid," Gareth called down.
⠀⠀⠀Carl started to walk toward them. He was barely halfway to them when Gareth said, "Ringleader, open the door and go in."
⠀⠀⠀"I'll go in with him."
⠀⠀⠀"Don't make us kill him now."
⠀⠀⠀Rick paused, his face contorting into frustration before inevitably listening and climbing the stairs. He tugged the car door open, and a black room enveloped them. Bianca waited at the door for Carl and hugged him tight. Then, she allowed Rick to lead him away from the doors as they were slammed shut behind them. Bianca walked over to Cal and wrapped her arms around his neck. They rocked in one another's embrace as they waited for their untimely end.
⠀⠀⠀Then, a thud emitted from the other side of the train car. Cal's heart beat rapidly as he wondered what was in there with them. He could imagine hungry wolves waiting for their next meal. A figure slowly approached, and Cal realized it wasn't an animal. Cal could just make out Glenn's face out of the small beams of light.
⠀⠀⠀"Rick?"
⠀⠀⠀"Glenn!" Bianca breathed in relief. Despite the morbid air, she darted forward and wrapped him up into her arms.
⠀⠀⠀"You're here," Rick said. "You're here."
⠀⠀⠀Bianca moved over to Maggie, smiling brightly as she hugged her.
⠀⠀⠀"They're our friends," Glenn explained as four unfamiliar faces, along with Sasha and Bob, appeared behind him. "They helped save us."
⠀⠀⠀"Now they're friends of ours," Daryl said.
⠀⠀⠀"For however long that'll be," a large red-headed man said dismissively.
⠀⠀⠀"No," Rick corrected him, determined. "They're gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out."
⠀⠀⠀Rick walked over to the door and peered outside of the crack.
⠀⠀⠀"Find out what?"
⠀⠀⠀"They're fucking with the wrong people."
AUTHOR'S NOTE —
In case you missed it!!! Bianca's reaction to Gareth is because they initially met in the Sam and Ana chapter. Hee hee hee hee!!!! >:)
I'm going to take about 2-4 weeks off posting because I am severely behind on writing season 5 and I need some time to work on it. Even though I've had all these chapters scheduled...
Poor Cal is really struggling. I totally bet season 5 is really going to help soothe their relationship and their life... definitely. Especially Alexandria ;)
Do you guys have any thoughts of what may happen next? Perhaps some theories on the two new characters that will show up in the next act (Annie Thompson played by Toni Collette and Miles Thompson played by a young Tyler Posey)?
SONG: Fade to Black by Metallica
Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like. However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.