Kabanata 7
Rafael
I kept walking back and forth inside my cabin with my arms folded in front of my chest. My thumb massaged my chin while my forehead was wrinkled for the past thirty minutes that I've been thinking about what the hell happened earlier.
Did I develop a dissociative personality disorder at a late age? Or maybe I was hypnotized or something? Was Caya a professional hypnotherapist?
I rubbed my palm on my face. "Putangina, sayang chips ko do'n, ah?"
I clicked my tongue then sighed while I place my palms on my hips. Ilang chips nga ulit ang natitira pa sa akin no'n?
"Fuck." I sighed. This is not good. I really have to crack the mystery behind that bizarre experience.
Lumapit ako sa kama at kinuha ang notepad na nasa ibabaw ng bedside table. I then started writing down the details. From the moment I walked in to the casino to the part where I nearly threw a fist on another player's face.
I felt someone caressed my shoulders. Galit ako no'n, eh. Galit ako tapos . . .
Napatuwid ako ng likod at muntik nang mabitiwan ang hawak na pen nang maalala kung papaanong tila yelong natunaw ang galit ko noong makita ko ang ngiti ni Caya. I couldn't remember the rest of what happened after that, but one thing is for sure.
Caya hypnotized me by her smile.
"No, no, no. That can't be possible."
I put away the pen and paper then grabbed my phone to look up hypnosis techniques on the internet. Halos tatlong oras ko yatang ginalugad ang Google para lang makita kung posible bang makahipnotismo ang ngiti ngunit ni isang article ay wala akong nakita.
"Damn it." I threw my phone on my bed then rubbed my palms on my face. Wala. Sumakit lang ang mga mata ko at nagsayang lang ako ng oras pero wala akong reliable article na nabasa.
Everything that would somehow match the description of what happened to me says one dumb answer: I am attracted to Caya.
Bullshit. How will I like that woman when she's a constant reminder of my terrible experience? Hindi ko siya sinisisi for speaking the truth at the witness stand, but I don't want to accept that I would ever be attracted to her, because liking her will only mean I will have to accept the fact that she will always remind me of the part of my past that I've been trying to run away from.
I sighed. "No, Rafa. Kinapos ka lang sa tulog kasi binubulabog ka nila sa gabi. That's just it."
I tried to gaslight myself for ten minutes straight before I realized that the best way to deal with this embarrassment is by pretending it doesn't bother me. Tama. I will just ignore Miss Delicate as much as I can for the rest of the cruise.
I smirked. "Well that should be easy?" I just need to do what I really came here for--fuck women and live my best life. Malaki naman din ang barko. Hindi naman kami palaging magpapanagpo. I should be fine.
Lumabas ako ng cabin matapos makapag-shower at makapagpalit ng summer polo and shorts. I went straight to bar area, bought my first beer for the night and then headed to the view deck to have some time alone first before I start my hunt.
Halfway through my bottle, I suddenly remembered how fucked up my life was inside the prison. Mismong si Jaysel ang nagpautos para may mga bumugbog sa akin sa loob. Kung hindi lang ako sinubukang protektahan nina Tita Betty, baka napatay ako sa kulungan bago ako nagawang ilabas ni Basha.
It was a terrible experience, pero mas namamayani sa akin ang galit sa sarili tuwing naaalala ko na tinapon ko lahat ng pinaghirapan ko dahil lang sa maling babae. I should've known that she didn't love me. Kasi kung mahal mo ang isang tao, hindi mo siya kukumbinsihing gumawa ng ikapapahamak niya para sa sarili mong kapakanan.
Napalakas ang inom ko dahil sa paninikip ng dibdib ko. I ended up jugging the rest of my beer while I'm resting my forearm on the railing, hoping that the alcohol would drain the suffocating feeling inside my chest.
Umayos ako ng tayo at akmang babalik sana ng bar para kumuha ng panibagong bote ng alak nang may natanaw ako sa top deck. Hindi ko sana papansinin ngunit nang mamukhaan ko ang dalawang taong naghahalikan doon ay napatigil ako mula sa paghakbang.
Is that . . . Captain Guevarra with Caya's friend?
Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa bote ng alak. Yes, I don't want to associate myself with Caya but I know how it feels like to be shitted on by the very people you love. Kaya imbes na sa bar ang punta ko ay natagpuan ko ang sarili kong naglalakad pabalik ng cabin.
I went to the balcony and then chatted Caya to make her go to her personal balcony. Hindi naman niya ako binigo. She went out, too with confusion clearly written on her pretty face.
"Akala ko ba, Attorney, ayaw mo akong makausap pang muli?" she asked.
"Well, I still don't like getting near you or talking to you, but I'm a good man despite my fucked up past so." I smirked. "I'm gonna warn you kahit na pwede namang palampasin ko na lang ito at hayaan kitang mapaikot na naman o lokohin ng ibang taong pinagkakatiwalaan mo."
Lalong nalukot ang noo niya dahil sa sinabi ko. "Ha?" Lumapit siya sa harang na naghihiwalay sa balcony naming dalawa. She then tried to tip toe so she could sniff me. "Nakainom ka na naman?"
I scoffed. Why does she care? So what if I'm drunk? Not that I'm drunk, drunk though. I just had one bottle. Hindi naman ako lasing.
"Doesn't matter," I said before I moistened my lower lip with the tip of my tongue. "Look, Caya. I don't like you and I am not gonna say this because I'm attracted to you, alright? I'm not. Hindi kita type at lalong hindi kita ginustong halikan kahit na . . ." Napadpad sa mga labi niya ang aking tingin. "Ba't parang ang sarap-sarap naman ng labi mo?" halos bulong at wala sa sarili kong sabi sa huli.
Sumimangot si Caya. "Ano ba naman, Attorney? May ginagawa pa ako. Kamanyakan ba ang rason kung bakit mo ko tinawag dito?"
Napalunok ako nang matauhan. God, I really need to get myself checked once I'm back in the country. This is definitely not healthy anymore.
Humugot ako ng hininga't umayos ng tindig. "Look, what I was just trying to say is . . . you have to break up with that asshole. He doesn't deserve you."
Napakurap siya at hindi nakakibo ng ilang segundo. Nang tila naproseso na niya ang sinabi ko ay kumunot nang husto ang noo. "Ha?"
I leaned on the railing. "Caya, I know you have the tendency to be denial at first since because you think he's some big fish pero may mahahanap ka pa namang iba. Someone better. Someone who's not a seaman, you know."
Tumaas ang kilay niya. "At bakit naman nabanggit ang seaman sa usapan natin, Attorney? Ano ba talagang gusto mong iparati--" Napalaki nang kaunti ang mga mata niya nang tila may napagtanto. "Are you talking about Captain Guevarra?"
"Sino pa ba?" I sighed. "Caya, I know he's good-looking and he's successful, pero may bansag tayo sa mga gaya niya sa Pilipinas. Seamanloloko. Why do you think they have such term for men like him?"
Nalukot nang husto ang kanyang noo. "Teka nga muna, bakit mo ba sinasabi 'yan?"
Napakamot ako ng noo. "Ano pa ba? Because I want you to know that you deserve better. Not because I like you, though. I-I don't. Hindi kita type." I scoffed. Medyo alanganin pa. "Look, I'm just trying to show how good of a person I truly am despite your negative impression towards me. At kahit ang sama rin naman ng ugali mo sa akin."
Umikot na nang tuluyan ang mga mata niya. "Just cut the chase, Rafael."
My heart pounced. "Did you just call me by my first name?"
Fuck, bakit namula yata ako? Tang ina, medyo late yata ang epekto ng alak ngayon?
Pero bakit ang ganda ng pangalan ko noong siya ang nagtawag?
She sighed. "Alam mo, walang pupuntahan ang usapan natin, Attorney. Sige na, kung lasing ka na, please tulog ka na, ha? Goodnight."
"Teka, Caya!" I cleared my throat when I realized that I called her too loudly. Frustrated niya naman akong nilingon ulit saka siya bumuntonghininga.
"Ano ba kasing pinupunto mo, Attorney?" she asked. Napipikon na.
I scratched my temple then prepared myself to see a woman throw a tantrum because of what I'm about to tell her.
"Fine, I'm gonna say it now pero huwag kang mabibigla."
"Just say it."
I sighed. "Your boyfriend, Captain Guevarra, is cheating on you with your friend, Astrid." I tried to reach her shoulder to give her a pat. "I'm sorry, but some men just wouldn't be faithful no matter how pretty and successful their women are."
Pumikit siya't naghilot ng sintido. "Sige na, Attorney matutulog na ako. Salamat sa napaka-valuable mong impormasyon."
I smirked as I felt so fulfilled. Damn, I just saved a woman tonight, huh? I feel so heroic.
"You're very welcome, Miss Magbanua. I hope you will not let this experience ruin your confidence. Some men just happened to be a dick," I said with empathy.
She scoffed. "I know, Attorney." She pats my cheek. "I'm already looking at one . . ."