smoke dreams
———
The dark began to devour the surroundings outside this large glass window and the only thing that offers light is the flickering lamp post that seemed to be something out of a hoodie e film. Nagsimula na ring lumamig ang hangin kahit na alam kong dahil lang ito sa malakas na aircon na naktutok sa akin ngayon.
I cleared my head and went to staring at the clock once again as its hands strike 6 pm.
Nagmadali akong tumayo mula sa counter at akmang paalis pa lamang sa pweste nang hinarangan ako ng maliit na babaeng may hawak na dalawang balot ng plastic. Looking at her, I already knew what was about to come.
"Ayoko, tapos na ang shift ko," I said before even letting her day a word.
"Alam ko pero sige na please, last two orders na lang ito, promise!" Nakangiting pamimilit nito but I ignored and walked past throught her. "Malapit lang 'to, d'yan lang sa may apartment complex sa kanto. Please, Nico."
I can hear the desperation in her voice kaya wala akong nagawa at hinarap s'ya na may kunot sa aking mukha. "Siguraduhin mo lang yan, Kiwi."
"Yes, sir!" sagot nito at nagsalute pa nga.
"Didiretso na lang ako pauwi pagkatapos neto, ikaw din."
Nginitian niya lang ulit ako ngunit wala nang sinabi pa. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sabay abot ng plastic sa may kamay niya at naglakad na paalis. The moment I stepped outside the convenience store, my assumption of the cold air was proven right.
I pulled the jacket on top of the motorcycle and wrapped myself in it habang dahan-dahang inilagay ang balot ng plastic sa compartment ng sasakyan. It's probably some food ordered by lazy teens na tamad magluto.
Habang hindi pa ako nagyeyelo sa lamig, agad na ko nang isinuot ang helmet at umalis na para ideliver ang order at nang makauwi na rin.
Pagdating na pagdating ko sa harap ng apartment complex, natulala ako nang ilang segundo sa harap nito. It's not that it's the first time I've seen this tall building since I always pass by when riding to school at marami ring deliveries dito but I really just can't help admiring such a beautiful building.
I shrugged the thoughts off my head and checked the room number for each delivery. Inuna ko na yung sa baba since marami-rami rin kasi ang order nila at nakakangalay nang bitbitin.
I pressed the doorbell for room 208 and waited for their response hanggang sa may nagbukas na nga ng pinto pero pagtingin ko, isang maliit na batang lalaki ang bumungad sa akin. Para bang galit ang mukha nito at handang makipag-away anumang oras, siguro nasa eight years old na ito habang ang batang babae namang sobrang higpit ng hawak sa damit ng kuya nito na halos mapunit na na animo'y takot na takot ay nasa six years old pa lang siguro.
Ilang minuto lang kaming nagkatitigan nang may dumating na sa pintong matandang babae, nasa early 40's na siguro ito.
"Naku, ito na pala. Mahal! Pakikuha muna rito ang mga bata!" Sigaw nito sa loob ng kanilang apartment, habang nakatayo pa rin ang nga bata sa likod ng kanilang nanay at nakatitig sa akin. "Sorry, hindi kasi sila sanay sa ibang tao."
She led her children inside as I handed her their order. "Thank you, ito na yung bayad."
The woman was smiling the entire time with a hint of embarrassment for her children until she closed the door and I caught a glimpse of the man inside with the children laughing in his arms. Tila naestatwa na naman ako sa kinatatayuan ko habang hindi mawala-wala ang imahe ng masayang pamilyang iyon sa isip ko.
Bahagya akong napangiti with a hint of bitterness in it since I know it's the kind of image that I can only have in my head with the people I cherish. Dahil ang reyalidad ay hindi patas sa lahat ng tao.
Fuck.
Hindi ko na pinansin ang mga tumatakbo sa isip ko at tinignan ulit ang huling delivery ko ngayong araw. Dali-dali akong sumakay ng elevator at pumuwesto sa harap ng pinto ng room 404. Ilang beses kong pinindot ang doorbell pero wala pa ring sumasagot.
I've been standing here for the past five minutes but I still received no response. Nagsisimula nang uminit ang ulo ko dahil halata namang may tao dahil sa naririnig kong ingay mula sa loob but they still chose to ignore me. I rang the bell a couple more hanggang sa bumukas na rin sa wakas ang pinto.
The girl in almost nothing but a pair of short shorts and a shirt greeted me with a wide smile. The look on her face upon opening the door seemed upset na bigla namang nag-iba nang makita ako. Sumandal pa ito sa pinto habang tinititigan ako mula ulo hanggang paa. She smirked after criticizing me.
"Hi, do you need anything?" tanong nito sa mapang-akit na boses. Inilapit niya ang mukha niya as I try my best to divert ny eyes elsewhere.
"Delivery... Ma'am," I struggled to get the words out of my mouth but when I did, she also moved away and looked at the thing in my hand.
Para naman itong napaisip nang malalim. "Ah, ito pala 'yun," sabi nito na nakatitig sa pagkain sa kamay ko hanggang sa ini-angat niya ang tingin sa akin, "Akala ko kasi..."
Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin since I don't wanna be rude to a customer kaya nanahimik na lang ako at bahagyang ngumiti. "Bale, 856 pesos po lahat Ma'am," saad ko.
She stepped forward as though tryna whisper something into my ear and I just froze, kesa naman itulak ko ito palayo at magbabayad pa ako ng treatment fee. "Can I not pay with something else, Mister."
Mainit ang hininga nito sa tenga ko pero nasa huwistiyo pa naman ako para lumayo at titigan ito ng maigi habang sinusubukang pigilan ang sarili na makasuntok ng babae.
"We only accept cash Ma'am," sagot ko na kaniya naman ikinadismaya.
Magsasalita pa lang ito ulit nang may nagsalita mula sa loob ng kwarto. The voice sounded like a cub's roar in my ears, tila bagong gising ito na garalgal ngunit may kaamuhan sa bawat bigkas ng salita.
"Stop flirting with the guy and just pay for the damn food, Mocha," ani nito.
"I am not!" sigaw pabalik ng babae and started to throw tantrums like a child.
But I didn't even pay attention to the girl in front of me and instead, my eyes were caught by a silhouette inside the room with a towel around his neck as though fresh from the bathroom with his drippy wet hair. I saw him grab something from the table and shifted his gaze towards the door.
Siguro ilang segundo rin kaming nagkatitigan hanggang sa nagsimula siyang maglakad papunta sa direksyon namin.
Somehow, I don't know when and where, but he looks awfully familiar.
Tuloy-tuloy lang ito habang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa akin hanggang sa nalagpasan na niya ang babae na pilit tinatawag ang pangalan nito ngunit parang bingi na walang imik. Until he finally walked past me and even slightly bumping against my shoulder before he completely ignored the both of us lost while standing at the front door.
I didn't have time to react when the girl suddenly rushed towards the guy and hardly told me to get the payment on the drawer inside the room. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang kampante lang nila na walang mawawala sa gamit nila by letting a random person to their room or that wala lang talaga silang pake kung may mawala man o wala.
Wala na akong panahon pa para mag-isip dahil gusto ko na lang talagang umuwi kaya pumasok na lang ako gaya ng sabi ng babae at iniwan ang order nila sa lamesa. I headed to the drawer next to the sofa and saw a bunch of scattered paper bills. I counted the exact amount and was about to leave when I saw a navy blue necktie on the floor which looked exactly the same as the one we have at school.
Hindi ko na ito pinansin nang makita ang oras na nakapaskil sa digital clock na nasa mesa.
Dali-dali akong nag-ayos at umalis na dahil ayoko na rin naman manatili pa sa lugar na 'yon ng matagal although it smelled nice like cucumber and vanilla ice cream in summer heat, not too sweet but was enough to become addicting and crave for more.
I once again shrugged the thoughts and went down the apartment complex, hoping na makakauwi ako ng tahimik. But as I was only a few steps out of the building, I saw the same guy again with the same girl as thought they're arguing. Parang galit ang babae sa 'di malamang dahilan habang walang interes na nakikinig lang ang lalaki habang hawak ang isang stick ng yosi sa bibig.
Hindi ko namalayang tumagal na ang titig ko sa kanila na siguro'y naramdaman ng lalaki and before I know it, we were already exchanging gazes. He moved his lips as though mouthing something.
“Smoke?” I whispered to myself which I think is what he said. Inaaya niya ba akong mag-smoke ngayon? I don't even know what's going on.
Matalim ang tingin n'ya na parang tumatagos sa balat ko hanggang sa ako na mismo ang sumuko at napa-iwas ng tingin.
Ugh fuck. Shit.
Why am I the one looking away? I used to be feared in these streets, why do I feel so small now? Tanginang 'yan.
Hindi ko na ito pinansin pa kahit dama ko pa rin ang titig niya kahit sa paglalakad ko palayo hanggang sa pagsakay sa motor.
Nakauwi ako ng maayos pero kahit hanggang sa panaginip ay tila minumulto ako ng taong 'yun.