♥
I don't even remember how I got home. I have no recollection of the walk or if I strolled past someone. I might as well have stepped into the road and been hit by a car, that's how much I wasn't paying attention.
My eyes stung painfully. I've never experienced heartbreak before in my life. I've heard of it, read about it in books and seen it on TV. But no one can prepare you for this backlash of agonising pain.
He was with someone else. He was being intimate with someone else.
I clench my eyes shut, trying my hardest not to let the image invade my brain but it's too late. It'll always be there and I won't be able to unsee it. Tattooed into my mind forever.
My heart thumps against my ribcage. Mate bond. Mate bond. What's the fucking point if we're not going to wait for each other in the long run?
Maybe I'm the stupid one for saving myself. I know fullwell what werewolves are like but I didn't think I'd end up in a situation like this. I thought we would magically be strolling through the park at the same time.
This... this is a new level of pain. A new level of insecurity I thought I had a hold on and now I feel like a complete sack of shit. I'll never be able to compete, how can I when I'm inexperienced with sex, relationships. All of it.
By the time I get home later that night, my mind is completely numb. Along with my body. I've gone through every single emotion possible and now I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing but worthless, empty, hollow.
I walk through our gated community, not bothering to greet the guards. I can't even meet their eyes. I don't want to. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and cover myself with the sheets. Hide from the world because this cannot be happening to me. Somehow it must be a dream and I'll wake up tomorrow.
When I walk up the steps to our side of the pack house, I keep my head low and shoot up the stairs. People are still up but they don't converse with me, not when I scurry away. Just as I reach my bedroom, head hung low to the floor, I hear a voice behind me.
"Nate?"
Viola. My sister. I knew she'd be waiting up for me because she knew going to this sex party would be a bad idea. I should have listened to her and I wouldn't be feeling like this right now.
I pause and raise my head, still facing the door. She can't see my eyes but she knows something is wrong. She's my twin, of course she will be able to sense something inside of me. She always does. I've told her a thousand times she should be a psychic but she said she's only connected to me.
"Nate?" She tries again, her voice getting louder as she gets closer.
My lungs swallow down a breath and I turn to face her. I glance over her mousey brown hair that is tied back in a clip, two strands of fringe falling in front of her face. Those dark eyes are full of concern and worry.
"What happened?"
I can feel my chest begin to quiver as soon as she says those two words. I don't even have to say anything before she wraps her arms around me and I rest my head down onto her shoulder, even if she's almost a foot shorter than me. She gives the most warming hugs.
She pushes us into my room for privacy. I don't even want to cry.
There is no point in crying over a man that has no care in the world for his mate.
Viola perches us on my bed and she studies my face, waiting for me to speak. "I-I found him." My voice cracks.
She tilts her head slowly. "What do you mean?"
I meet her eyes and hold her gaze. "My mate. I found him."
"Oh God," her expression widens and she swallows. "And I'm guessing it didn't go well?"
A sad laugh passes my lips. "You mean I walked in on him being fucked by someone else? Then yeah, it didn't go well."
Viola's expression crumbles and she wraps her arms around me again. "I'm so sorry, Nate."
"It hurts so bad," I clench onto her fluffy dressing gown. My heart feels like it's being constantly stabbed now, I preferred it when I felt nothing. I wish I could stay numb forever because it would be so much better than this agony. "It's fucking killing me now. The matebond. It just fucking shattered and every part of it cut me wide open. My head is just chaos."
She releases a slow breath and holds me impossibly tighter. "What happened after that? Did you speak to him?"
I nod, my head still on her shoulder. "He came after me. He tried to apologise but the damage was already done. I had seen everything. And that image–" I groan and clench my jaw. "That image is burned into my memory and it kills me. It fucking destroys me, Viola."
She runs a soothing hand down my back and presses a kiss to my head. "He doesn't deserve you," she whispers to me. "You are too kind and generous for this world, and someone who can't even wait for you. They don't deserve you."
My heart pangs in my chest. Am I accepting that I'll never have a mate after watching people in my life find their own and are instantly in love. I am going to be mateless for the rest of my life.
Oh God. The rejection. The rejection might just kill me alone and I squeeze my eyes shut at the thought.
"I need to sleep," I murmur pathetically.
Viola pulls back and nods. "Okay. We can talk about it more in the morning? It might do you some good to just sleep on how you feel. He might try and contact you."
I grimace at the idea. The thought of his voice in my head. I shudder. "I pray he doesn't," I admit. "I won't be able to cope with it."
She leans forward and kisses my forehead before standing from the bed. "Sleep, Nate. You look exhausted and I'll be right here with you in the morning."
My eyes flick over my sister's face. "Alright," I suck in a breath and watch as she leaves.
I find myself staring at the wall for a long period of time. I don't know why but I can't stop.
♥
When I wake up I feel worse than I did last night. I don't think I even got an hour's sleep–at that. Despite how exhausted I was, my body didn't want to shut off because my mind was wandering. Going over imaginary scenarios and forcing myself to feel the heartbreak all over again.
I drag myself from bed and take a shower, anything to keep me busy and distracted.
Instead of grabbing breakfast like I usually do at this time with the pack, I head out the back door and sit on the patio benches. Fresh air. I need fresh air for this mind that feels nothing but carnage and betrayal.
I don't even notice Elin sitting beside me. Elin was the one who convinced me to go to the party last night. He's been worried about me because I've been saving myself for my mate. He is very sex positive, now that he's found his mate, Zade, they go to sex parties together and share themselves with others.
I have no idea how they do it. My jealousy and insecurity could never.
But I've never judged them for what they do, or their sexual status. If it makes them happy then I'm happy for them. Elin and Zade are a power couple. I've never seen so much trust, so much love. I've always aspired to love as hard as them because at the end of the parties, they'll always come home together no matter what.
They're open enough with each other to trust new experiences.
"What happened to you last night?" Elin nudges my shoulder.
I don't turn to face him but I can see his long curly hair out of the corner of my eye. "Wasn't my thing." I mutter.
"And you didn't even say you were leaving?"
My eyes fixate on the stone wall in front of us, taking in a deep breath because I wanted fresh air. Not an interrogation. "Couldn't find you," I shake my head. "Sorry."
Elin dips his head into my view and analyses my face but I don't look at him. "Something happened..." he trails off.
I keep quiet.
He slides closer to me. "Tell me what happened, Nate."
"Nothing," I lie.
I love Elin. I trust Elin. But right now I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to share my sheer humiliation with anyone else but my sister, not before I've collected my own thoughts on it first.
"Sure?" He quirks a perfectly carved eyebrow at me.
"Yes," I say a little harshly. "Everything's fine."
Elin stands from the bench and shrugs. "Alright but come in soon. All of breakfast will be gone."
"Be there in a min," I murmur to the ground.
He leaves me alone a few seconds later and I close my heavy eyes. I wish I slept.
The last person I want to face today is my father. He is the beta of the pack. I love him but he's a tough love kind of man. He means well but sometimes his dominance within the pack can shine through and cause a rift between us.
So I wait until breakfast is mostly over and sneak back inside to snatch a croissant from the side and hide in my room until further notice.
♥
I lay in bed that night after spending an evening with Viola. She asked more about yesterday but I didn't want to talk about it. So we sat and watched movies together instead, not that I was paying any attention because my mind kept wandering.
When I'm alone I find myself scrunched up in my sheets, head firmly burrowed in my pillow. The tips of my fingers begin to tingle and I furrow my brows at the sensation. I take a look at them but they don't look any different, they feel hot, as if they're on fire.
Then when I least expected it.
Are you there?
I suck in a horrific breath. His voice. That voice.
My eyes clench so tightly that I'm sure they're about to rip open. I swallow and I swallow but nothing can cure my dry mouth. I tell myself to breathe because it's just a voice but it's his voice and I am shuddering.
The mate bond attempts to glow and grow between us but it can't get very far. Not after the damage that has already been caused.
Please. Are you there?
My eyes snap open and I clench down on my jaw. Don't mindlink me. I grumble.
A quiver of a breath shoots through the mindlink and straight down my spine.
I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you.
Stop. I beg. Just stop.
I can't. He pleads. I am broken. I can't do anything because I know I fucked up.
I snort to myself, angrily. Fucked up. Yeah, you fucked up.
Please jus–
I said stop. Don't. Don't you dare contact me again. I swear to God.
Then I slam up the walls on the mindlink, pushing him out. I can feel him banging to be let back in but I throw the duvet over myself and allow my eyes to let out one tear. One single tear because everything is going to come crashing down on me sooner or later.
Right now I'm still in shock.
♥ ♥ ♥
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Author's Note
Oh baby, Nate. Their pain is honestly so devastating🥺💔
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