♥
I have always loved sex. Maybe a little too much. But can someone love sex too much? Or is it just a natural thing that we're all born to be invested in.
I adore the thrill it gives me. I find it deeply empowering, expressing myself through my body with how I want to feel. Especially if the man is incredibly attractive and I fancy the shit out of him. That makes it a thousand times better.
Werewolves are known to be deadly attractive. That's what makes this so hard for me.
I've probably slept with more than half of the district, those who are gay or bi or whatever they want to identify as. I'm surprised I've managed to bed so many wolves considering a lot of them want to wait for their mates but I've never seen a problem in it.
Most probably because I can't imagine myself with my mate. I've seen my sister and my brother both fall hard and fast for their mates, they blab on about the bond and their connection. But to me it sounds like absolute bullshit.
How can something be that strong? They're probably kidding themselves. Still in the trap of the honey-moon phase.
I will never get it because I will never act like it.
Deep in my heart I know that I'm definitely not capable of love. I've seen it detonate my parents relationship, I've seen it destroy families. How anyone can tell me that love is a good thing is beyond me. It is a recipe for disaster.
When feelings are involved people get hurt. Meaningless sex can never hurt because it is severely meaningless.
But hey, if other people are happy then good for them. All I can say is that I'll never be me.
I'm more than satisfied to keep doing what I'm doing.
Parties. Alcohol. Sex.
How could things get complicated? I'll be happy forever.
Maybe until my liver gives out or I'll need hip replacements. But I'm still young and fit as ever. The world is my oyster and I don't plan on giving it up anytime soon.
One of my friends, Apollo, from a local pack holds his legendary sex parties once every few months. They're known for being incredible, I should know, I've been to the last three. They're definitely something for the memory box.
Today will go down in history.
No one judges. We're all safe to protect ourselves and each other.
Everyone needs to release their frustrations, their built up lust and desire of a good fuck. It's werewolf nature to be sexually active, I don't think we should be blamed or shamed for it.
Apollo likes to bed anyone and everyone. He doesn't care about your sexual orientation or your gender. All he sees is sex, sex, sex. That's why he's known for throwing parties that are unforgettable.
I met Apollo around three years ago at a committee meeting. We both stood together talking about how parties could be used for other things than grouping together wolves for the sake of their territories and their packs. What if it could be used for something like pleasure?
We're werewolves after all. We have needs.
That's when he decided to invest in creating a safe space for those who wish to experiment, play and have fun without feeling like they're being judged for having natural urges.
I lost Apollo pretty much the second people started arriving. At this point they know the deal. We all do. Sometimes there are newbies who just watch and others who put on shows because they are sex Gods.
Currently I'm upstairs in one of the many bedrooms, getting ass fucked into the next century by Louie or Louis or... I can't remember. His cock is ramming in and out of me, the headboard colliding with the wall at a ravaging pace.
The best thing about these parties, you never have to worry about being quiet. The louder the better, sometimes it's even thrilling when people decide to stop and watch as you get ploughed into whatever surface you're getting fucked on.
"Look at me," he growls and I snap my eyes open.
Tears swim in my eyes as he drills into me, over and over until my ass is wrecked. I'm not going to be able to take much more tonight when he's done with me. I've barely been here an hour and it's definitely going to have to be an early one.
The thing about sex parties is that I've had sex with so many people, I never worry about growing an emotional connection with them. I could never fall in love. Sex is sex. That's obvious. But it's for my pleasure, I don't care if they like me. I like sex. End of.
It might be selfish but at least I know what I want. And I make it extremely clear too.
A hand clasps around my throat and he pins me to the bed, legs over his shoulders. Fuck. I'm so damn close but I don't want to bust yet, not when we've barely even started. I can go again later, that's for sure but I don't want to be too sore to take it again.
Louis or Louie grunts and moves his thumb over my lips, parting them and forcing it inside my mouth. I suck as I stare at him directly in the eye, he pounds me harder to the point of actual heaven. Holy fuck. I'll definitely be coming back for round two with him.
I throw my head back to the pillow, God. So close. So close.
Goosebumps cascade down my arms, my senses tingling when I feel someone approach the door. It isn't shut but it isn't directly open either. Anyone can walk in any time and watch, I don't mind, but this feels different. So different and I can't pinpoint why.
I attempt to twist my head but I'm pinned down by the neck. My chest inhales deeply and suddenly my heart slams into my ribcage like a sledgehammer, I can't breathe. My eyes glaze over with mist and then darkness. My mind spins into a frenzy, I'm numb everywhere and it's not from the sex.
The guy begins to slow but he doesn't stop. I am shaking. Literally shaking.
Every part of my body begins to prick and burn until my wolf howls at the top of its lungs inside me, screaming and screaming. What the fuck is wrong?
I move my gaze to the door when my eyes fall upon a guy standing in the doorway, long tousled blonde hair that stops at the nape of his neck and piercing dark eyes. My body glows with golden sparkles and rainbows, fuck. This feels so fucking good. Mind-numbingly good. The connection is immediate, I forget where I am for a split second.
Then I focus back on his eyes but I can't even tell what colour they are because they're dilated to the extreme but not with arousal, with pure intensified anger.
Mate. Mate. Mate. My wolf chants on repeat.
Everything slows down and I am gasping for air. Pressing a hand to Louis or Louie's chest in an attempt to stop him. It's burning down, everything is burning to the ground before me. I barely have a chance to get my thoughts in check.
Just looking at him feels amazing but now I recognise the pain on his face, the betrayal. This shit hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. No one could prepare you for this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
We're still just staring at each other as my ass gets fucked.
He's hurt. He's so fucking hurt. Beyond that. He's destroyed.
Then it hits me. His emotions. His deep fucking emotions. Then the fucking matebond, it collates and shatters around us like a glass vase. Pieces fall everywhere, impossible to fix because the damage is already done. It pierces my heart and begins to bleed inside my chest.
God. He's so painfully beautiful. Unlike any other wolf I've ever seen.
My eyes begin to sting because I can feel the bond glow in my veins, wrap around my heart and strangle it to a sensation of excruciating pain. Or maybe it's trying to kill me because I've been caught doing the worst thing imaginable.
Fucking another person in front of my mate.
Moments ago I thought matebonds meant shit. But right now... I feel everything.
My throat constricts, pushing my hand into his chest with more force to stop him. "What's wrong?" He asks, slowing down and then removing his cock altogether.
I jump up from the bed but my mate is already out of the door. "Wait!" I cry after him, collecting my clothes and rushing to put on my boxers and then my shirt. But when I look down the hall, all I see is a swamp of people in bondage, latex or nothing at all.
"Fuck," I curse under my breath.
My hands are shaking. Hell everything is shaking. I storm down the stairs, my eyes flicking over every person I can until they fall upon the back of sandy hair. I almost scream but I don't, I race towards him.
"Wait, stop." I beg. "Please."
He doesn't stop. Of course he doesn't.
"Please," I plead and lean forward to grip his shoulder.
I didn't expect sparks to shoot through my hand through the fabric of his t-shirt. But he jumps back anyway and whips his head towards me, eyes are red and jaw is clenched. Fuck, he's even more beautiful up close. Not the pretty boy kind but the absolutely mouthwatering handsome kind.
He's taller than me with broad shoulders and an impressive stance. He looks like a fucking warrior and I'm inferior to him.
His lips are carved perfectly, and those high cheekbones and long dark lashes. Now I realise that he has dark brown eyes, despite the fact they were dilated earlier. He looks mysterious and gorgeous all at once.
How have I never met this man before?
"Don't touch me," he snaps. "Get your disgusting hands off me."
I flinch at his tone and take a breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He scoffs and shakes his head. No he's in utter disgust. Panic floods my mind, what am I meant to do? I can't catch my breath, my chest heaving like crazy. "Sorry?"
My throat clenches but he doesn't notice. "I didn'--"
"This shouldn't be how we met," he growls but the hurt is still evident. "We should have met at the park or in a fucking committee meeting. Not here whilst you get your ass fucking ploughed by someone that you're not meant to spend the rest of your life with."
Tears are littering my eyes. My fingers turn numb and suddenly I feel lightheaded. How had I completely ignored what everyone told me about the bond? It feels amazing and it's nothing that can be explained.
How was I so fucking naive?
"I-I didn–" my voice dies in my throat. What am I even going to say? What is there to say?
He shakes his head at me in disbelief, folds his arms across his chest. I try to ignore the way his arms are filled out by his t-shirt but I can't, the skin looks soft and fuck. He has muscles and I am shattering all over again.
"You think I'm ever going to get that image out of my head?" He shouts, pressing his index finger to his temple.
"No I–"
"You think I can ever look at you again without thinking about the way you moaned for another fucking man?"
"Please, I–"
He holds his hand up. "Stop. Just stop."
"Don't walk away from this," I beg pathetically, tears coating my cheeks.
I'll never be able to get the image of his face out of my head. Hurt. Devastated.
He steps back but I step forward. This situation is slipping from my fingers far too quickly and I don't know what to do to salvage it.
"I hate that you did this," he snarls. "You've ruined everything. I waited for you. I fucking waited for you and this is what I get?"
"No," my throat closes up. "I just need to explain."
He scoffs loudly. "Explain what?!" He roars and I flinch. "Explain that you love getting fucked by multiple guys? Explain that you love sex parties? That you've probably slept with half the fucking werewolf community."
I'm blinking so rapidly at his words that I'm going to crumble at my knees. I lick my damp lips. "But you're here too."
His eyes burn with fury. "Because my stupid friend dragged me here. Told me that I should release whatever I need whilst I waited for you. I only agreed to make him stop worrying about me. But I would never let anyone touch me before I met my mate. Yet for you..."
"Please, just give me a chance," I am sobbing at this point
My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest with my own hands, thrown onto the floor and trampled on by a thousand wolves. There is nothing left. I have no idea how I'm still alive.
"What chance?!" He laughs at the situation but it's far from funny. "This is all fucked up. There is no fucking point."
"Don't," I step closer but he holds up a hand to stop me from moving any closer. "Don't reject me. I need y–"
He laughs louder this time. "You need me? Clearly it doesn't look like it."
I flinch from his tone but he doesn't react. It hurts to look at him. To know that I've hurt him and I might have just ruined everything in my future. How did I think sex would make me happy forever?
Now that I've met him, everything has changed. My life has done a full three sixty with a blink of an eye and now I realise all my priorities have been wrong. So fucking wrong.
"I never wanted to hurt you," my lips tremble.
His jaw tenses when he looks to my mouth. "I think we're past hurt. It's fucking destroyed. And there is no going back."
"There is," I exhale slowly. "Just please. I am sorry."
"You don't get to call the shots," his eyes narrow angrily. "You fucked up."
He takes three large steps backwards but I don't chase him. I don't want to push him away any more. If this situation is fixable in any way.
I want to reach out to him and touch his skin with mine but I refrain.
This is what I do, fuck everything up before I get a chance at experiencing the good stuff.
"I need to go," he lowers his head, refusing to look at me for a second more.
"Don't," I whisper but he's gone before I say anything more.
I stand in the same spot, staring at the position he was just in. I'm seconds away from breaking down, my wolf whipping and crawling inside me to go after him. He's devastated but there is no competition with my heart.
It's no longer there. It's long gone and now I feel empty.
Worthless. I am nothing. I've always been nothing.
A whore. A stupid fucking whore who craves attention and affection from others.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I should have listened to Everett and Fran. I should have believed them when they said the matebond is like no other, beyond anything magical on this Earth. And I hate myself more every second I think about it.
"Milo?" I hear Apollo's voice from behind me.
I can't turn because I'm staring endlessly at the position my mate was just standing in. I don't even know his name. I don't even know his name.
A hand clamps over my shoulder and I flinch. Apollo steps around me and walks into my view, his eyes roam my face and his expression slacks. "What's happened?"
"I–" I clench my eyes. "He–" Nothing comes out of my mouth.
"Hey," he draws me into a hug. "Did someone hurt you?"
No. I want to scream. I'm the one who did the hurting and now I am broken beyond belief.
I sob onto his shoulder and clench, harder than I've ever gripped anything in my life. Anything to get this pain inside my chest to subside but it won't, not until I somehow get him to talk to me.
This is what I deserve. Years of fun for a moment of utter heartbreak that will last a lifetime.
What if I can never fix it?
♥ ♥ ♥
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Author's Note
AHHHHH Welcome to the first chapter! I couldn't wait until Thursday so, surprise!🥰
Oh God, isn't this chapter so heart wrenching? Milo really thought mate-bonds weren't real and now he experienced his soul literally shattering.
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