We all go upstairs so they can show me around.
On the right, it is Laurel's, Susannah's, and Steven's room.
On the left, it is Jeremiah's, Belly's, Conrad's, and my room, which used to be a guest room.
Wow. This house really is huge.
We go into my room. It is so pretty. The bed is next to the window, which is huge. It has baby blue sheets. The drawer, desk and dresser are all baby blue. "Heidi told us your favorite color is baby blue."
Heidi is my social worker.
"Yeah, it is," I say, walking over to the bed and look out the window.
The view is just... wow!
I turn around and sit down on the bed. "I love it. Thank you."
Jeremiah comes over to me and sits down next to me. When he puts his arm around me, I flinch.
His touch feels like fire, trying to burn the skin on my shoulders.
I have to force myself to not pull away.
Shit. Did he notice that?
It doesn't seem like it.
"Want to go for a swim in the pool?" Belly asks. I smile and nod, happily. "Hey! I wanna join too," Jeremiah says, in a childish voice, which makes me laugh. "Count me in!" Conrad says. I smile even bigger.
I guess they do like me.
I turn to Steven. "Do... do you wanna join?" I ask, slowly.
"I'm going to my room," He says, but not to me. To Laurel. He just ignores my question and leaves.
I understand it is hard for him to accept this, but he can at least TRY to talk with me!
***
I change into my bikini and go downstairs.
When I get down, the others are already by the pool. They're sitting on the edge, with their legs in the water.
They're all already very tan.
I mean, obviously. They've been here for a while already.
Conrad and Belly are sitting next to each other on the short edge, Jeremiah on the long edge on their left. Jeremiah sees me coming, and smiles as I sit down on the edge opposite of him.
I smile back.
"Hey" Belly says. Conrad has his arm around her. He kisses her neck, which makes her giggle.
"you guys are actually annoying, you know that right?!" Jeremiah tells them.
Wait, they're dating?
John never said anything about that.
"Should we play a game? What about..." he stops, acting like he's thinking really hard, before he says, "what about chicken fight?" he looks at Belly.
"You know how much I hate that game!!" she says to him, laughing. "Come on, Bells." He jumps in the pool and swim over to me.
"Actually," I begin.
"Can we play volleyball instead?" I look at him, waiting for his answer, hoping he doesn't ask why.
"Sure," he says, shrugging.
He turns to Conrad.
"Me and Evie, you and Belly."
Conrad jumps in the water, as he says, "game on!"
We play for a while, before Laurel calls us in to eat dinner.
***
We're sitting by the table, eating dinner. Steven's sitting right in front of me, clearly trying to avoid eye contact. It is pretty obvious that he doesn't want to get to know me. I didn't think I would care, but I do. I mean, he is one of the only family I have left – of the people I count as family, which is just him and Belly – and he can't even be bothered to get to know me, like, at all?
I sit quietly and just eat my dinner, when Susannah turns to me. "So, Evie, how has your first day been?"
Again, she has that smile on her face. That smile that makes you happy inside. That makes you warm inside.
That smile that makes me feel important to someone again.
"It was pretty good, actually. I had a lot of fun," I say back, smiling as I look from Jeremiah to Belly to Conrad. "Maybe you guys can show me around in town tomorrow?" I ask the three of them. "Of course!" Jeremiah says, smiling, the same was as he mother.
A warm smile that makes you feel important and loved.
"We were planning on hanging out at the country club tomorrow, why don't you come?" Belly asks. I smile. "I'd love to!" I've seen the country club.
The bus drove past it this morning. It looks like a really cool place. Big, and fancy.
"I think I'll just stay here tomorrow..." Steven says, very quiet. I look over at him. He looks down at his food. I don't get it. He's going to start avoiding me too, now? What the fuck?!
"Come on, Steven. You'll get to know Evie a little more too," Laurel says.
"What if I don't want to get to know her?" Steven mumbles.
"Steven!" Laurel says, almost yelling at him.
"What?!" Steven says back, like he doesn't understand why she reacted like she did.
"I'm just telling the truth! I don't want to know her. She'll be back with dad again after summer, anyways, and we won't see her again. I don't need to know her! It's not my fault dad fucked her mom. It's not my fault her mom was such a desperate slut, fucked a married man!"
The words hit me in the face.
Slut.
He's joking, right?! He can't be fucking for real! I am so mad I want to just punch his stupid face, but I can't move. I can feel my eyes tearing up. My mom was the most perfect person I have ever met. It wasn't her fault this happened! Something he wouldn't understand. Even if I tried to explain it.
"STEVEN!" Laurel yells. Steven's still sitting there, looking down at his food. I push the chair back and stand up, looking right at Steven. "You know what? FUCK YOU, STEVEN!" I walk up quickly, not showing any other emotion than anger. When I get to the stairs, I start running to my room, and slam the door behind me. I lay down on my back, as I feel the tears running down my cheeks, but I don't do anything about it. I just let them.
I lay like that, for probably an hour, before I eventually end up falling asleep.
***
I stay in my room for a while, even after I wake up. I don't want to go down there and see Steven again. I can't take anything else from him today.
I turn to my door as I hear a knock.
"Yes?"
Susannah and Laurel walks in.
I put down my phone and sit up in the bed. I take a quick look at the time.
11:58.
It's almost midnight.
I've been up here, for almost 5 hours.
They come over to the bed and sit down on each side. I'm sitting with my arms around my knees, leaning my back to the wall. They both look at me with sympathetic eyes.
I hate that look. The sympathetic and pity look. The look saying "oh, poor you". The stupid look everyone gave me after mom died. "Oh, poor child. She's left all alone." Like I'm a fucking doll or something.
"Don't..."
Laurel hesitates before continuing. "Don't take what he said seriously. I know he didn't mean it. He's just... trying to get used to it, that's all."
They both look at me, waiting for me to say something.
"Yeah... I get it," I say, even though I don't agree. I know damn well he meant that.
I just want this to be over.
This conversation.
This day.
Just all of it.
They get up to leave again, when Susannah turns around and says, "Steven is in his room, and the others are watching a movie in Belly's room. We're going to bed, so it is no one downstairs if you want to go get something to eat. It has been a couple of hours since dinner, and I don't think you got to eat a lot." She smiles and whispers, "I bought a little something for you. Look in the freezer."
She winks at me, before she leaves too. I smile for myself after she leaves.
I'm really starting to like Susannah.
I go downstairs, and into the kitchen. I hear a noise from the living room.
I thought they were watching the movie upstairs?
I look in to see Jeremiah sitting on the couch, watching "Never Have I Ever". He doesn't see me.
I quietly walk over to the freezer. It is a box of vanilla ice cream with a post-it with a heart on it, saying, "from Susannah". I smile.
I take two spoons and go inside. "What season are you on," as I fall down to the couch. Jeremiah flinch. "I didn't know you were downstairs," he says, reaching for the control on the table to change the show.
"No, no, no! don't change it. I like it!"
He laughs.
"ice cream?" I offer, giving him one of the spoons. He takes the spoon, and smile. "I thought you were upstairs watching a movie with Belly and Conrad?" I ask him.
"Nah, it's not fun hanging with the two of them alone. Especially not during a movie. They're so clingy and annoying!" he says, acting like he is going to throw up. I laugh and say, "well you just gotta get yourself a girlfriend and annoy them back."
"Or a boyfriend" he says, eating some of the ice cream. I turn to him, but he doesn't react.
Wait, he's gay?
"You're gay?" I ask.
I realize how judgmental I sound, so I add, "no judgment."
He chuckles, before saying "I'm bisexual."
"Oh!" I say.
"Oh!" he echoes, as a joke, and smile at me.
I smile back, and we go back to eating ice cream, and watching TV.
"You know you're literally an 18-year-old, sitting and watching a teen show about a girl falling in love with 4 different guys in 4 seasons, right?"
"Hey! First of all; I'm not 18 yet, I'm still 17. I turn 18 in a few months," he says.
"Oh, like that matters!!" I say, laughing.
He shush me and continues.
"Second of all; you can't judge me based on the shows I watch!"
"Okay, okay, I'm not judging."
I put my hands up jokingly.
We're sitting and watching the show, commenting, and laughing when Conrad and Belly comes down. They stand behind the couch, and Jeremiah and I turn towards them, still laughing.
"Hey?" Belly says, like it's a question, and looks over at Conrad. Conrad smirks back at her.
"what are you guys laughing about?" he says, looking from her, over to us.
I am about to answer when Jeremiah says, "nothing, just this stupid show Evie wanted to watch." He looks over at me, wanting me to play along, so I do.
"Yeah, it's one of my favorite shows, so..." I say, which it is. Jeremiah mouths thank you and I smile back.
Belly looks at me, like she's going to say something, but she doesn't. Instead, she looks over at Conrad, and try to catch his eye. He notices and looks at her. She whispers something, but I can't hear it.
I still understand what they're talking about from Conrad's face. It's about that thing with Steven during dinner earlier.
Jeremiah notices me looking at them and turns to look at them. I think he understands too, cause his face changes so quick. "Anyways," Jeremiah says, mostly to break the awkward silence.
"I'm going to bed."
He turns off the TV and gets up.
"I am too! I need the bathroom first!" Belly says. They look at each other for about a second, before they both run upstairs. Conrad and I both look at them running up, laughing at them.
"I'm going upstairs too," I tell him. I'm about to get up and leave when he holds my arm. Just like earlier with Jeremiah, I flinch at his touch. Again, almost pulling away. Just mike earlier, it again feels like my skin is being burned on my body.
He says, "about... uhm... that thing with Steven earlier..."
I sit back down.
I look at him, trying not to show the hurt as I answer.
"it's fine. If he doesn't want to get to know me, it's his choice, I don't care." I swallow, trying to keep the tears from coming again. The word is still ringing in my head.
Slut. Slut. Slut.
I can see it on his face that he doesn't believe me. "Look, I've known Steven my whole life, and he's not really a person to act like this. He's just... trying to adjust. It is hard for him too, you know. I mean, his dad was his hero. It's not that easy to just accept your dad is an asshole and cheated on your mom because he felt for it."
He goes quiet.
"Was that the reason your dad and Susannah divorced?" I ask him. I can see pain quickly flashing across his face, before it turnd to confusion.
"How do you know my parents are divorced?" He asks, slowly.
"Oh... my social worker told me. She told me a lot of different stuff about you guys. Legal stuff. Stuff that are documented. Like your parents' divorce." I'm quiet for a few seconds before I add, "and John have told me a lot about all of you, too."
"Oh." He says. He's quiet for a while, before answering my question. "yeah, that was kind of the reason." He looks down, like he got shy. Then he asks, "How... was it?" I look at him with a questioning look on my face. I don't understand what he means. "How was what?" I ask him.
"How was it to find out who your dad is after 16 years? Like, were you happy, or..."
"Not really... I mean he did leave me. And my mom. And now, he thinks he can just act like nothing and be the perfect dad or something."
"but was it never a point where you were, I don't know, glad to finally know? Were you never curious growing up?"
The truth is, I was. I was curious. Every day. All the time.
I would ask mom to tell me about him all the time.
How was he?
Was he nice?
What did he look like?
Was he a cat person, or a dog person?
And most importantly at all;
Why did he even leave?
She never anwered, though. She just changed the topic every single time. After a while, I stopped asking, knowing there's no point wasting time on it.
"I always saw kids with their dads. It was a daily reminder that mine never cared enough about me. When I was younger, I would wish for him to come back. For me. That he would realize it was a mistake to leave. That he would come back into my life, and we would be a normal family. But as I got older, I just accepted it. He never loved me. He never cared." He doesn't say anything. It looks like wants to, but he doesn't.
"Is it anything else you want to ask?" I ask. He shakes his head. He looks towards the black TV screen. Away from me.
"it is fine," I say.
"I'm fine. I have lived without John for 16 years. I can live without him for the rest of my life too." I look at him, smiling, to show I'm okay. He turns to me again, and smiles back.
I get up and jump over the back of the couch, next to him. Before I go, I add, "and now I have all of you." He smiles at me. I smile back and start walking up the stairs.
"Goodnight," I yell behind my shoulder. "Goodnight," he says back, and I can hear it in his voice that he's smiling. I smile too.