A low moan escaped my lips as I was lifted off my feet, and carried over to the couch-where I was positioned to straddle the man under me.
Our lips had yet to break from one another, all that could be heard was our rampant breaths, and the low moans that escaped both of our throats.
Everything was happening so fast, yet slow enough that I was aware of what was going on.
Something that deep down I knew was wrong, but still felt so entirely right that I could care less what it said about my morals.
What I've seen him do, how I've seen him act, how he made others feel-it all became irrelevant as I felt his tongue run circles across my neck.
As his large hands gripped and squeezed at just about every part of my body, I felt the heat of his body under mine while I sat securely on his lap.
Everything that plagued my mind before, all the guilt that kept me from admitting my feelings and acting on them became afterthoughts.
All I cared about was the now, how he made me feel now, the man he was now.
A gasp escaped my throat as I felt his hand snake its way inside my shirt, trailing up my abdomen before snaking back down, leaving my skin tingling with his touch.
It had been so long since I'd been sexual with anyone, his touch left me desperate for more-just a puddle of desire and need.
His hands, his lips, his body, and his voice-all left me hungry.
"Khalil..." he mumbled near my ear, causing yet another gasp to escape my throat.
It was as if it took him no time at all to find the sweet spot on my neck, the spot that left every inch of my body feeling tingly, that spot that basically left me an empty vessel of desire and hunger on top of him.
"...so sweet..." he continued, sucking on the earlobe of my ear while his hand explored the bare skin under my shirt.
"Saint..." I whispered breathily, throwing my head back as my eyes sought refuge in the back of my skull.
His trail of kisses that he left on my neck felt so good, good enough that I wanted him to feel the exact same thing.
As gently as I could, I reached down and gripped at his neck-an action that he allowed, an action he seemed to enjoy. He looked up at me with low eyes, almost smirking as he gazed at me.
Here we are, me on his lap, my hands around his neck, bodies on fire and desiring more and more with each passing second.
He bit his lip as he looked up at me, eyes full of hunger and lust, both of which my eyes reciprocated.
Slowly, I reached down to place another kiss on his lips, hands never leaving his neck as I did so.
He just lay back and allowed me full control, and as I slowly broke our kiss, his hands gradually snaked down to rest over my bottom, applying just the perfect amount of pleasure.
A moan forced its way from my thought feeling that, the pressure of his hands, the weight of his arousal under me, I was losing myself.
Tongue first, I kissed the skin just beneath his ear, and almost immediately he squeezed my bottom-a gasp leaving his throat as he did so.
His spot.
From that kiss, I licked all the way down to his collarbone, just before kissing my way back up to his jawline, chin, and then eventually-the soft skin of his lips.
With a body like the one he had, there was no way I was gonna be able to just kiss him and be done with it.
"...what 'chu doin' to me ..." he mumbled lowly, gripping a handful of my hair and pulling slowly, forcing my lips from his neck, and exposing my own neck to him.
All I could do was wait, wait, and watch as he leaned toward my neck and licked the skin from my throat and all the way up to my lips where he paused.
I smiled as we made eye contact, a smile he reciprocated before reaching up to choke me softly with his left hand.
For a second we stayed like that, him choking me, my hands still resting around his neck, eyes locked onto one another.
"...never again." He stated, tone serious as he applied just a slight amount of pressure to the grip he had around my neck.
He then leaned in to kiss me again, this time roughly, a kiss he dominated completely, a kiss that I could do nothing but moan into.
"...you ain't ever leaving me again Khalil ..." he told me after breaking the kiss, still looking into my eyes, severity present in his words.
I nodded at his words, feeling like nothing but a puddle in his arms. I wanted him to lose himself with me because there was no doubt I'd be losing myself with him.
As we shared another kiss, a low groan escaped his lips, and then he stood up-forcing me to wrap my legs around him.
Slowly he walked us over to the wall, where he sandwiched me in between while he kissed me roughly.
Then, he walked us over to the kitchen, where he lifted me to place me on the counter before again connecting our lips.
It felt like we'd kissed over every inch of the house before finding our way back to the couch where I again ended up on his lap, cuddled against his chest.
Though we were no longer kissing and instead coming down from what had been the best make-out session of my life, I still felt on fire.
We'd been sitting in silence for minutes now, just enjoying the warmth of each other, unsure of what to say or do next.
Though I will admit, one thought came to mind...
"I'll stay," I told him, lifting my head from his chest so I could look down at him.
He chose to stay quiet, but he did look up at me attentively.
"You were right," I nodded, " there's no point in leaving one bad situation to go to another one."
"I still plan on leaving this city, but when I do-it'll be to go somewhere ten times better," I explained.
"ok." He replied.
"-and you'll be coming with me," I added.
"huh?" He questioned.
"You're not spending the rest of your life here Saint." I frowned.
"I told you I-"
"No, I'm serious," I told him, shaking my head, "I want to explore what the future can hold for us, but I'm not doing it here."
He stayed silent for a second before eventually nodding, "aight."
A small smile crept on my lips after that, "you mean it, you'll leave with me?"
"yeah," he nodded again, "wherever you wanna go, I'll follow you-just gimme some time to stack my money up."
The small smile on my lips grew wider at that as I spoke again, "three months."
"that's how long we got?" He asked.
"That's how long." I nodded.
He replied lowly while his hands found their way to my waist. "I can do that."
"Are you being serious or are you just telling me what I want to hear?" I asked genuinely.
"I'm bein' serious Khalil." He replied genuinely.
"it took me a while to feel any emotion at all, you make me feel like a thousand of 'em, I'm not just gonna let you go." He explained.
My cheeks heated after that, an action he seemed to notice because I could see his eyes looking at them.
"I want you," he paused to reach up and move a piece of hair from my face before speaking again, " and whatever I gotta do to keep you, I'll do it."
His words left both my mind and heart feeling one emotion, infatuation.
There was no verbal response I could give him that could be an adequate response for how I felt, so I responded in the best way I could, with another kiss.
A kiss that didn't last as long as our full make-out session minutes before, but still did well to not only get my point across but also fill me with butterflies.
When we broke, we again just enjoyed our comfortable position on the couch before my phone began to buzz in my pocket.
With a groan, I shifted so I could reach inside and grab my phone, a motion that caused Saint to speak up.
"who that?" He asked, watching as I looked at the screen.
"It's...my dad," I replied
His face contorted after that, his eyebrows were pinched together in a way that I'd never seen before.
I stared down at my phone in contemplation, knowing that whether I answered it or not-when I told him I was no longer coming home, his response wasn't gonna be pretty.
All Saint did was stare up at me silently, most likely deep in heavy thought.
"you ain't gonna answer it." He then spoke, thumbs gently caressing the sides of my waists where his hands held.
"I-I know but..." I paused and frowned, "I feel like I should."
Saint's face contorted in confusion after that, it was clear he didn't understand, and unfortunately, there was no way I could help him understand because it was hard to even do so.
"Kha-"
Just as Saint was about to speak, his own phone rang, drowning out my own.
He shifted and wrapped his left arm around me so that he could use his right hand to grab the phone from his pocket.
Once he did so, I looked at the screen-only to see that the number wasn't saved, so there wasn't much I could really even see.
"whose that?" I asked, much like he had earlier.
The only difference was, that his response was a lot more secretive than my own
"I'll be back." He stated lowly, lifting me gently as he stood up, before placing me back down on the couch.
I looked up at him with pinched eyebrows, only watching as he walked out of the front door, phone held close to his ear.
My confusion and irritation were cut short when my phone rang yet again, causing me to look down at it.
Again, it was my father, which was surprising within itself because my dad never called twice.
The child in me, the one terrified of him, the one that never wanted to disappoint him-that child overpowered the adult I currently was because despite how badly I didn't want to do it, I answered the phone.
I was prepared to be both berated and degraded, by my father after answering.
What I was met with, was uncharacteristic calmness which I'd never seen before.
"I take it you're at the airport?" He questioned immediately.
"U-Um, I-I actually wanted to talk-"
"Save it." he stated.
"I knew you were bluffing the moment you called me yesterday. I'm not surprised, by this point I'm used to your disappointment." He spoke, shaking me to my core with his words.
"Up until today I still had just a tiny bit of hope for you, now I can say even that is gone." He added.
"Goodbye, Khalil." He said finally, leaving the line dead.
I stayed silent the entire time, digesting just about everything he was saying to me.
I've heard him say things like this to me before, possibly even worse.
But never was he this calm, never was his tone this lone.
This time, he was truly done with me; and it left me in a position where I genuinely felt like I was the one in the wrong.
Did I ruin our family? Was I the one who was at fault here?
The day I came out, he called me a cancer to our family which needed to be cut out. Of course, hearing that brought me to tears, but I still didn't feel like it was true.
Now though, I don't know-for him to sound like he did on the phone, maybe I really was the problem.
My thoughts were cut short when the front door opened, and in walked Saint.
Upon seeing me he immediately walked over, taking his seat at my side again.
"What's wrong?" He asked I guess sensing the emotion that was written all over my face.
I was silent for a bit as I fidgeted with my fingers, only for him to grab my hand-pausing the fidgeting and forcing me to look up at him.
The obvious pout on my lips wasn't forced, I was genuinely on the brink of tears and only holding it back, I was tired of crying-and I know he was tired of seeing it.
"I talked to my dad..." I said lowly.
He seemed to already understand what that meant-because he sighed, and sat back in his chair.
His silence remained, but he did wrap his arm around me once more-allowing me to cuddle into his chest as the tears eventually fell.
I know, it felt like all I've done for two months is cry-even when I tried not to-all I did was fucking cry.
But when this was your life, crying was just about the only thing you could do.
Saint's hand rubbed comfortable circles on my back, soothing me, calming me, loving me.
Imagine going so long without caring about anyone or anything, and now being faced with so many emotions caused solely by one person.
That one person, my one person...
Khalil, he made me feel shit I don't think I've ever felt.
Two months ago I lived life on autopilot, existing only in a grey area where nothing mattered.
But with him, it all mattered, even the shit that happened to him and didn't happen to me-it still mattered.
Not only did he make me feel shit myself, but he made me feel it on his behalf too.
It took me almost losing him to realize I would never get to feel like this ever again.
It took me almost losing him to realize, that no matter what happened- this man was never leaving my life.
His hurt was my hurt.
His pain, my pain.
His anger, my anger.
So imagine how I felt, sitting on this couch, holding him in my arms-listening to his low cries and not being able to do anything about it.
Imagine how I felt knowing Saduj had just called me up questioning me about Jermaine's death, and the only thing on my mind right now was the person in my arms.
So much shit I'd done in the past was slowly coming back to bite me-and yet, none of it mattered.
My only concern was making sure that Khalil was good...and that...that scared me.
Eventually, his cries grew more feint, and I could tell he was calming down.
"I'm sorry..." he mumbled.
"-I got your shirt wet." He added, frowning at the tear-stained fabric.
"Ion care nothin' 'bout that," I told him truthfully, still rubbing his back.
I wasn't good with words, so I didn't know what I could say to make him feel better. All I could do was show him, show him that I was here and that he was safe with me. That's probably the best way I'll ever be able to express my feelings...through actions.
"I don't know why I always get my hopes up when it comes to my family-they always break my heart and still, I hold onto hope." He said sadly.
"It's about time I realized that I have no family, and that's ok." He added lowly.
"you got me," I said immediately.
"Ion got a family either," I told him seriously.
"-we can make our own," I added finally, lowly near his ear.
That final comment caused him to look up at me, eyes wide and glimmering with emotions I couldn't really read.
I'm sure my words were surprising, especially because if you had asked me anything regarding Khalil yesterday I would've kept it short.
But seriously, hearing him on that phone-knowing that he was about to leave and go back to somewhere he clearly didn't like, and it was my fault, I don't know...I guess it woke me up.
That's not to say I'm a completely new person, nah that's not realistic. What I'm saying is, whatever Khalil did to me, or whatever snapped in my mind the first day I saw him-it changed how I saw life.
I didn't exist in a grey area anymore, I existed in an area where he was my one concern.
"are you serious?" He asked, still gazing up at me.
"yeah," I replied simply.
It still made me uncomfortable to talk about my feelings or emotions, but I wanted him to know I was dead ass serious-so there was a conflict in my mind that was hidden behind my calm demeanor.
Our moment was again interrupted when my phone rang once more, and of course-it was Saduj.
His name wasn't saved in my phone-nobody was, well other than Khalil.
I say all that to say-even though Khalil could see the number calling me, he couldn't see who it was.
It didn't matter, I ended the call and stuffed my phone back in my pocket without a second thought
"is that the same person who called you earlier?" He asked.
It took me a couple of seconds to respond, but ultimately I was truthful, "Yeah."
"and you don't wanna tell me who it is?" He questioned cautiously.
"Ion want chu' worryin' 'bout that," I said honestly.
"yeah but-"
"no." I said simply, cutting him off, "Not right now."
He let it go after that, which I was thankful for, because if I told him what was truly going on he'd just worry-and that was the last thing he needed on top of what he was already going throwing.
"well then at least tell me this," he spoke up, looking into my eyes, "are you in trouble?"
"No," I spoke.
That really wasn't a lie, Saduj didn't put fear in me-even though this was the first time I'd ever gone against a direct order, I still felt like he knew better than to try anything.
" Am I in trouble?" He then asked.
"what I tell you?" I rebuttal, answering his question with a reference to what I told him earlier, "You with me..."
He was mine...and I don't play about mine...
"and with you, I have nothing to worry about.." he stated, fiddling with his fingers.
"ok then," I spoke, pulling him over so that he was straddling my lap again.
I didn't say anything this time, I just littered kisses down his neck-hoping to draw his mind away from all the bullshit he was going through.
Safe to say, based on his moans-I was doing a pretty good job.
I don't even think I was doing anything special, the kisses were for my personal pleasure too-and thankfully he just enjoyed it.
I used to be so uninterested with sex-but after earlier, after how it felt when we kissed for what seemed like hours.
It was gonna be hard to think about anything besides how much I wanted him.
Eventually, we ended up calming our kisses as we lay down on the couch. He was on top of me, hugging into me as I lay with my arms resting behind my head.
It didn't take long before I realized he'd fallen asleep, which I was glad for-I'm glad that after everything he could at least get some sleep.
I enjoyed having him this close too honestly, though I'll admit-a part of why I was still up was anxiety.
Now that I had admitted it to him, and admitted it to myself that I really did have feelings for him, it made it all real.
This was a person I was responsible for, and I was gonna make that known.
I didn't care about coming out, I'm a grown-ass man-that shit was childish to me and I'm not explaining myself to nobody.
What I did care about was knowing that us being together would somehow make people think I was weaker.
Like the fact that Khalil was man, and we were together, meant they could try something on either of us and there'd be no repercussions.
Nah, I was serious when I said that we could make our own family-and I'll be damned if I let somebody hurt my family.
Caring about Khalil meant I cared about everyone else even less, and if I had to make a couple of people examples, then that's what I'd do.
If I had to kill everyone in this city to keep him safe, then that's what I'd do. Morals be damned, feelings be damned, when It came to him-when it came to Khalil...I'd paint this whole town Red.
☯︎ 𝖍𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐡 ☯︎