"You're a monster! A fucking monster!"
"You don't deserve to live. I hope you suffer a miserable death."
I blink. Then I blink again. And again.
Hoping that when I'm done, I'll be somewhere else.
"I can't do this Bella." I breathe, feeling my chest getting tighter. "I thought I could, I can't."
"You can baby, I know you can."
I swallow, looking at the house. I've seen this house a dozen times, enough to have memorized the front porch, never ever have I gotten closer than that though. Always watching from the distance, hoping that this feeling inside me would crumble and disappear.
It never did though.
Turning around I close my eyes. I never thought I would get this far, years have passed but it still feels so fresh. It feels like a wound that's never going to close. Bella has helped me through things I never thought I could get through – this though. This was way further than I ever thought I would go.
"Pablo, a couple of months ago you refused to get behind the wheel." Bella says, grabbing my attention. "You wouldn't even sit behind there, let alone drive a car but look at you now."
It's true, I hadn't driven in years but seeing Luca and Bella driving, how happy she was. I wanted to be the one that made her happy, the reason behind her smile. At first I took small steps, Luca helped a lot – and then one day, and one day only I decided to drive with Bella.
She grabs my face and makes me look at her,
"You won't drive because you feel this guilt everytime you're behind the wheel – but that's not the issue, it's not you driving that's causing this guilt." She stands on her tiptoes so our foreheads can touch, "It's all the unspoken words and you need to say them to be able to move on."
She's right. I knew it. She knew it.
I would never move on until I could get these words out, the words weighing down on me.
I nod my head, letting her words sink in before I move my hand up and do the last thing I ever thought I would do – knock on the door, which holds years of nightmare. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know if there was even someone there to open the door but I had to do this. I owed it to him.
After a couple of seconds, the door opens – I look up, there's no one there though. Confused I lower my gaze, and meet two adorable pair of blue eyes.
"Hello!" She squeals, "who are you?"
"Uh.. I.. Is Mr.Blake here?"
"Daddy!"
The girl runs away, leaving me and Bella alone at the door.
"I thought you said he only had one daughter and she was in college?"
"Yes.."
Before we have the chance to say anything more, he comes. My entire body freezes. He looks the same, with less hair – Immediately I'm taken back to the hospital, the scene. His screams. You're a monster. A monster.
Suddenly I feel like I'm seventeen again. Reliving every single moment as a scared teenage boy, unsure of what he just did, the lives he had ruined.
His cries.
The look on his face.
Her.
Feeling my entire body freeze, my hands start shaking and that's when I feel the soft touch of another pair of hands on mine. Calming me. Showing me that I'm safe.
When Bella realizes that none of us are speaking she decides to break the silence.
"Hi.. Mr. Blake right? I'm Bella, this is my husband-"
"I know who he is." He says, keeping his focus on me. "Come in."
I had ran this conversation through my mind almost every single day since I was seventeen. I ran ever single possibility, again and again. I never, ever expected this to be one. I was almost sure heard wrong until Bella gave me a squeeze and a small push so I could move.
Still in some kind of trance, I followed until we were in the living room. I had never seen the inside of this house, only outside. Endless nights in pouring rain, watching from afar. Wondering. Regretting.
When we're inside, he points at the dining table before he takes a seat there.
"Daddy! Who's this?" The small girl from earlier comes, jumping in her father's lap. She quickly looks at Bella and her bracelet, "I love your bracelet! My doll has one that looks just like that! Do you want to see?"
"Awe, really? I'd love to." Bella smiles, "You have to ask your daddy first though."
I was getting the hint pretty fast, Bella wanted us to be alone. I didn't know if I was ready.
Blake gives her a small nod, not saying much – Bella gives him a small smile before going to the living room next to us with the girl.
I'm still in a trance, looking at the girl. She looks so much like..
"They had an emergency c-section."
I turn around immediately, looking at him – "S-She survived?"
"She did." He looks at the child again, "she was the only thing that kept me sane."
I knew the mother had died, I never heard anything about the baby but I assumed she had too.
A heavy silence passes by, we're both looking at the same thing. He's looking at the only thing that held him sane, I'm looking at the one thing I almost took away from him.
"I'm sorry." A whisper leaves my mouth. I looked down ashamed, feeling my mouth completely dry. "I'm.. I'm so sorry."
I wanted to look at him, I wanted see him while I said those words but I wasn't able to. The shame, the guilt – years of it was still weighing me down.
"I hated you for what you did to Angela." He says, "They told me that it wasn't completely your fault, something about someone grabbing the wheel. I still hated you, more than anything because you were still behind that wheel and I knew there was something they weren't telling me. I saw your eyes that night, you weren't sober. You were a stupid teenage boy, under the influence that should never have gotten behind the wheel – I knew they weren't going to punish you though, even I couldn't. Your family's name protected you."
I finally look up, not out of courage but out of cowardness. I needed to look him in the eyes to realize what I had done. To let it hurt. I deserved it. But I also wanted him to see that I didn't go unpunished, no I didn't get the regular punishment – I didn't go behind bars, but I received a punishment.
"I understand, and you had every right. You had every right to hate me, to want to hurt me." I swallow, "But believe me when I say that I did receive my punishment, to this day I'm still receiving it. I couldn't sleep a single night, for years – every night was filled with the same nightmare on repeat. I didn't want to touch the wheel again and I haven't until last week. No medication, no therapy could help it because I knew I deserved it. I know that nothing can come close to what you went through, to what you felt... but I need you to know that I felt something too."
He looks at me, this time I don't see the same look that I've seen every single day since the accident.
"I know." He sighs, "I saw it in your eyes that night – the things I said to you, they reached you and if you were as heartless as I wanted you to be, you wouldn't have shown that remorse."
Even though I know that nothing could undo what I had done, hearing those words.. from him. It felt like that heavy weight on my shoulder was finally lifted off. I hated it because I wanted to suffer, but I couldn't anymore because I couldn't only think about myself – I wasn't alone. I had to think about the person sleeping my arms every single night.
"I know that there's no forgiving what I did, there's no way to change things. I want you to know though, that I really wish I could take that night back. I would do anything, anything to have your wife be here with you and your children."
"Me too." He says, looking away, "she looks so much like Angela."
He turns around and looks at me again,
"I forgave you years ago Pablo, I was waiting to see you again – to tell you that. Hating you wouldn't bring back my wife, and Angela had the sweetest soul. If she was here she would've told me to imagine if it was our girl, if she had done such a mistake and went around bearing that kind of weight on her back." – "She was right. You have to forgive yourself though, and that's the hardest part."
It is, it really is. At least it was, it was a long time ago when I thought that there was nothing with me worth redeeming until a girl with a yellow headband told me – "A mistake can't define you for the rest of your life unless you keep repeating it."
"What made you come here after all these years? What changed?"
I look at him, then at the living room – "You got a blessing that kept you sane all these years, I got one that helped me find my sanity again, and hold onto it."
After another hour or so speaking to Blake, I thanked him and gave him my number – telling him to call me if he ever needed anything. He told me that I had already helped him through the years, revealing that I wasn't as discreet as I thought with the money I had my men wire him every month. He put his girl in college, and had already made another account for Angie – his second daughter.
"How are you feeling right now?" Bella asks, as we walk towards the car.
"Like the luckiest man in the world." I say, looking at her. I stop and give her a kiss on the forehead, "thank you so much."
"I didn't do anything, it was all you Pablo. I was just here for support but I knew you could do it."
She didn't realize how much she had done. She had done everything. She became my everything.
"What do you want to do now?" I question, as we enter the car.
Bella lets out a scoff, "I have to go back to work soon. Ugh."
I let out a chuckle, "Have you come up with any new designs?"
"No." She whines,
"Well you better – rent is coming up soon." I wink.
She slaps my arm, and laughs. Just like every other moment with her, I capture this and save it in my head as a moment of happiness.
She erased every other color and made my world yellow, and I never wanted to go back.
This time I decide to drive, when my phone calls – Bella answers.
"What? Calm down.. What do you mean, Martin?"
"What's going on?" I question, she doesn't answer though. I don't want to look away from the road so I repeat my question, "Bella?"
"It's Luca... he's in trouble. We need to turn."
.............. to be continued.