"Loki! No, no please..." Tears stream down your face as you try to get him to wake. "Please! Don't go... please..." He's pale and still as he lies in your arms, a thin stream of crimson falling from his lips.
You call his name over and over until your voice is hoarse and broken. If you say it loud enough then perhaps he'll open his eyes. Perhaps he'll wrap his arms around you and tell you it was a joke. Just a cruel joke...
Your eyes snap open, your sheets twisted around you and sweat sticking your pyjamas to your body. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.
Right?
You reach out an arm to the space beside you, expecting to find hard muscle moving up and down slowly as Loki breathes. Then he'll pull you into his chest and hold you, his fingers running through your hair so softly that the dream will melt away under his fingertips. You'll hear his heartbeat thumping rhythmically in his chest, showing you he is definitely alive and here with you right now-
But instead your arm falls onto an empty expanse of cold sheets.
It wasn't a dream.
Tears well your eyes once more, the skin beneath still sore from the hours of nonstop crying. You grab Loki's pillow and hug it as if it were a stuffed toy, breathing in the scent that still lingers from him - the smell of old books and paint and pine trees.
A sob escapes your lips. It's been almost a week now. A week of pain and nothingness. A week without him. Ever since that blasted mission you've played the moment over and over in your head, trying to work out if there was something you could've done. Something you could've done to save him...
"Y/n, be careful. They're relentless and sav-," Loki warns.
"Don't worry about me, love," You interrupt, smiling at his concern. "We'll get through this together, right?"
"Right," He returns the smile and falls back into his fighting stance. You mirror him, unsheathing your daggers and taking a breath to steady yourself.
The Chitauri in front of you run forwards, jabbing their weapons towards you. You block and parry, dodge and weave, killing the creatures and watching them fall to the floor limp and lifeless.
Three Chitauri advance on you at once. You plunge a dagger into one's heart, kicking another to the ground and dodging the third's sword.
But you don't notice a fourth.
You yelp as it grabs and throws you to the floor, your comms device breaking from impact as the creature prepares its weapon to impale you.
Pain flows through the arm you landed on and you cradle it to your body, gritting your teeth and trying not to use it as you attempt to get up.
"Y/n!" You hear a voice laced with worry from somewhere nearby, but you don't have time to locate it. You've got to get out of here.
You roll out of the way as the Chitauri thrusts its sword into the place you were just lying.
The metallic sound of a blade slicing through the air rings in your ears as you curl into a protective ball, bracing for impact.
But the impact never comes.
Instead, there's a noise that makes your stomach churn, a horrid taste coming to your mouth.
You turn just in time to watch the now headless Chitauri fall to the floor, Loki stood with a sword behind him, the blade covered in the black, sticky, tar-like blood of the creature.
You let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you,"
"It's no problem at all, my love," He replies.
The relief very quickly turns to horror as you watch a Chitauri advance towards Loki behind him, where he is unseen. It holds a sword in his hands, aimed at Loki's back.
"Are you al-" Loki starts.
"LOOK OUT!"
Your shout came to late, your sluggish limbs too slow to stop it.
The sword goes straight through your love, physically puncturing his heart and metaphorically breaking yours.
The creature pulls the blade from Loki and he falls to the floor.
"NO!" The word feels like fire coursing through your veins, burning every part of you with horror and grief. This can't be happening. It can't! All the hopes and dreams you shared with your love... they can't be for nothing, can they?
With great effort - but no longer caring for your painful arm and the grazes no doubt covering your side - you push yourself up and end the life of the monster that harmed Loki. In any other circumstance, you'd have given it a long, painful death. But you have no time for games. Loki needs help.
You collapse onto your knees beside where Loki has fallen. He's as pale as a ghost, his hands shaking as he tries to stop the bleeding.
"Hey, hey," You say, trying to swat away his weak hands to properly stop the blood flow. "Look at me, ok? Keep your eyes on me. You'll be alright, I promise,"
Your voice is wobbly, a lump in your throat forming and making it increasingly difficult to speak.
A strangled noise comes from him, a small stream of blood trickling from his mouth.
"Shh, shh... don't waste your energy," You whisper, tears starting to free fall down your face.
He's clearly trying to focus on you, but his eyes keep wandering. Your heart sinks painfully low.
"TONY! THOR! SOMEONE!" You scream desperately, hoping with every fibre of your being that they can hear you. If only your blasted comms hadn't broken! "I NEED HELP! NOW!"
Loki's breathing becomes more raspy; more broken. But you won't accept it. You won't. He's not dying today.
"Stay with me, Loki. I'll get help, you'll be ok... we'll be ok!"
A smile ghosts his lips, a hand reaching up and painting your cheek red before it falls back down, limp. Loki's eyes flutter shut, his head lolling to the side and his body relaxing. A singular breath leaves his mouth, and no more follow it.
"No, no please..." The tears start to fall harder, droplets splashing onto his still torso. You lean down and place your head on his chest, trying to listen for a heartbeat.
There's no sound.
"No, no, no! Wake up! Please! Don't leave me! Don't go!" Sobs wrack your body when there's still no movement. "Loki?!"
You pull his lifeless body into your arms, holding him close to you as you call out his name over and over, waiting for him to wake up and for it all to be a joke or... something. Anything. As long as he comes back...
Loki's pillow is soaked with your tears once more. But then again, it's not really his pillow anymore, is it...
The only reason you made it back to the tower is because Nat and Steve had to physically separate you from your love and carry you back to the jet. You didn't want to leave him. You couldn't!
The Avengers have tried to be supportive - Thor the most - but they don't understand what you saw in him. They likely thought you were merely his fling, nothing more. But it was so much more. He was the other half of your heart; your light in the dark; your everything...
And now he's gone?
You have nothing.
If only you'd listened to his warning. If only you weren't such a wimp and had gritted through the pain that feels like nothing compared to a broken heart.
If only you'd fucking saved him, even if you'd died in the process. You'd rather that than having whatever life you're living now. You can hardly move, hardly breathe when he's not around.
How are you supposed to live the rest of your life without him?
It feels as though you've been filled with stones, each one weighing you down and pulling you down to the ground. They're heavy on every part of you, especially on the broken fragments of your heart that ache with every breath you take.
A knock at the door pierces your thoughts, the regret and guilt shattering into pieces around you, ready for you to pick up later when you're desperate to feel something more than grief for your lost love.
"I'm not hungry," You call, assuming it's Nat with a tray of food to try to get you to eat.
The door creeks open regardless, light from the hallway spilling into your darkened room. You don't even bother to move.
"I said I'm not hungry," You repeat, snuggling closer to the pillow in your arms.
"Y/n... there's something you have to see," It's Nat's voice, just as you'd thought.
You don't respond, deciding that whatever it is can wait until...
Until Loki's ok.
You swallow a sob.
Nat sighs and the door opens wider. You hear soft footsteps against the carpet.
"I'll leave you two to it," She murmurs.
What? What on Earth does she mean? Who is this other person? You thought she'd walked in...
But you let your curiosity fade. Nat wouldn't let anyone in she didn't somewhat trust and you feel to tired to move.
The door closes quietly and the person speaks:
"Y/n?"
You tense and freeze, not even daring to breathe.
That voice is the one you dream of hearing. The one you want to hear again so badly that your head hurts. And you just did. You just heard it.
No. No! This can't be right... you must be going crazy.
You turn over slowly in bed, looking directly at the man stood in the middle of your room.
His face is illuminated by the moon shining through the window. His green eyes sparkle at you, tears welling, his long black hair tumbling over his ears to his shoulders.
You stand up quickly and walk over to him, looking up at his defined cheek bones and familiar jawline.
It's him... it has to be! But how?
Realisation hits you like a ten tonne truck. You must be hallucinating or dreaming or something... it's not possible for him to be here.
"Fuck me," You let out a half hearted laugh and rub your sore, tear stained face. "I need to ask Stark for more pills..."
You begin to stumble back to bed, thinking you're going crazy. You'll be alright in the morning...
"Y/n, my love... it's me," The hallucination calls after you.
"Yeah, right," You roll your eyes and turn on your heel, staring watery daggers at the intruder. "Loki is dead. He's not coming back and I don't need to be reminded of that," Tears spring to your eyes yet again. "So why don't you leave me the fuck alone and go haunt someone else,"
The hallucination looks dejected; it almost breaks your heart all over again.
"Y/n... it's me, I promise," He walks forward and places his hands gently on your face, his own eyes filling with tears as he wipes away yours. But you can feel him. You can feel him as though he's a real person. Hallucinations don't work like that... "I- I faked my death... I had to and I'll explain it all but-"
"It's actually you...? You're really here?" Your voice cracks.
"Yes," He gives you a watery smile and you break, your hands moving to cup his face.
"B-but you d-died in my arms!" You're shaking with sobs, desperate for this to be true; for it to be real. "I... I watched the life leave your eyes, the blood drip from your mouth... how could you fake that!?"
"I'm the God of Mischief, darling. I'm so sorry, I had to do it..." He says softly, trailing off.
"Why?" You attempt to regain your composure but fail miserably, your lip quivering as you hold back more sobs.
"Because Thanos was there. He saw me and said he would get me back... I knew that meant he'd try everything in his power to do it, including harming you. I couldn't let that happen. So I feigned my death, made it look as though I had gone for good so he wouldn't hunt either of us down. I'm sorry,"
You stay silent for a moment, searching his eyes for any sign of illusion or deceit. But there is nothing. Only pure and genuine concern and regret.
It's him.
It's really him.
You pull his face down to meet your own, pressing his lips to yours. You stay still for a moment, savouring the feeling of his lips on yours, remembering what he feels like and never wanting to forget it.
Then you deepen it. Your lips dance desperately against his own, wanting him and him only. You don't dare to take a break to breathe, fearing that he may just disappear.
Your lungs lose air quickly; they're burning for oxygen when Loki pulls away.
"Breathe," He mumbles, pressing kisses across your forehead.
"What if I don't want to breathe?" You pant, watching him closely as you grip his hand. You won't let him go. Not again. Not ever.
More tears fall from your eyes as he pulls you against his chest, wrapping his arms around you.
"I'm so mad at you," You sob. Loki just laughs. "Promise me you won't fake your death again? Please?"
"Of course, my love. I'm so sorry I put you through all of this..." He traces his fingers over your face, wiping away the tears and following their messy trails. "You look exhausted,"
You shrug, moving to kiss him again; he stops you with a gentle finger. You subconsciously tighten your hold on his hand.
"Why don't we get some rest?" He suggests, pulling you close to his side and beginning to walk towards your bed.
You allow him to move you into bed, tucking the covers snug around you. You watch as he jumps in beside you, his clothes shimmering green and transforming into pyjamas. But you decide quickly that you won't sleep. You can't, no matter how much you need it. What if you wake up and he's gone? What if this was all a dream?
You snuggle up to him, pressing your head against his chest and listening to his heartbeat thump in his chest. It's consistent; a sound that soothes your aching heart and mixed emotions. It reminds you that Loki's alive. That he's here...
A while passes and you feel yourself slowly easing into sleep, the beat of his heart acting like a lullaby. You shuffle, trying to get closer to him even though it's physically impossible.
"Y/n... are you trying to stop yourself from sleeping?" Loki asks quietly.
Damn. You'd almost forgotten he can read you like a book. You decide not to answer his question, but turn your head up to face him, instantly missing the comforting sound of his heart.
"I'll be right here tomorrow, I promise," He murmurs, brushing a stray strand of hair from your face and tucking it behind your ear.
"But... what if you're not?" You choke, thinking of all the lonely nights you spent without him, wallowing in your own tears and guilt.
"I will be, my darling. That, I can promise," He places a gentle kiss on your head.
"I love you so, so much," You mumble, feeling your eyes beginning to stick together with exhaustion.
"I love you so, so much too," Loki replies.
You snuggle back into his warm chest, the soft thrum of his heart lulling you to sleep.