CHAPTER TWELVE
"Lyzza, okay ka na d'yan?" Tanong ni Kenzo habang inaayos niya ang bedsheet ko.
"Med'yo may kaliitan lang bahay na 'mmin pero pagt'yahan mo na lang ito."
"H'wag ka na maarte, kupa ka!" Biro nito.
After he fixed this bed sheet, he then sat down and reached out to change the pillowcase. Umupo naman ako sa tabi nito at saka tinapik-tapik ko ang kaniyang balikat.
"Okay lang, gago!" Nakangiting kong sagot. "Kahit ano pa 'yan, okay lang. Kahit sa sahig ako matulog, okay lang din sa akin. P'wede rin sa labas ng bahay niyo ako matulog, ayos na ayos lang sa akin,"
Tinignan ako nang masama ni Kenzo. Nagtataka ako kung bakit ganiyan siya makatingin. May nasabi ba ako na 'di niya gusto? May nabanggit ba ako na ikinasama niya?
"Ba't ganiyang ang mukha, Lods?!"
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Hinding-hindi ko gagawin 'yun na sa sahig ka matutulog, at lalong 'di ko kayang patulugin ka sa labas ng bahay. Ano ako, bobo? Tanga? Tarantado? Walang isip?"
"No way! Hindi ko kaya 'yun. May puso at utak ako para alam ang tama at mali. At saka kaibigan kitang bobo ka!"
Napangiti na lang ako nang malapad dahil sa naging sagot nito. Kaming nina Erica, Shainny, at ako ay natulog na dito. I was the last one to sleep here. Erica was the first to sleep here and Shainny was the second, and I was the last.
Alam na alam mo naman na safe ka sa isang tao. Mararamadaman mo naman iyon lalo na't kaibigan mo si Kenzo. You are so safe whenever you are with him. Kenzo is one of those people you can trust who you know will lift you up every time you feel like you're down. Kenzo has a trustworthy behavior, he knows how to keep a promise. He can keep our secrets and promise, he won't do what you just manipulated. He had a reliability side like he would do and find a way to support us.
Isa si Kenzo sa dahilan kung patuloy pa rin ako nakatayo sa sarili kong paa. Halos noong bata ako si Kenzo ang nandiya. Sila ang nandiyan sa tabi ko noong may nangyari na hindi inaasahan na pangyayari. I felt that I had nothing to do with them. I am unlucky in life with my parents. I have almost nothing to hold on to. Fortunately I have Shainny, a bubbly girl. Erica, a shy girl, and finally, Kenzo, a supportive best friend. As long as I have the three of them, I'm okay, I won't want any more friends.'
Because of Kenzo, I developed my self-esteem. My confidence in him grew over time, and I developed stronger feelings and trust for him. It wasn't only about falling in love romantically; it was also about knowing I had discovered a reliable friend and companion. He trusts me too much. He also trusted for me on a day when I didn't trust myself. He effortlessly personified the virtues of security and safety that he taught me were crucial in every life. He taught me how to be strong. He taught me how to face all problems.
In the end, having a sense of security around him was more than just a feeling; it was a certainty, a lovely relationship based on love, respect, and trust. I knew I had discovered a place where I belonged in his arms.
Okay na si Kenzo kaso ang isa lang problema niya. . . wala pa siyang girlfriend!
Habang naiisip ko ang mga panahong na walang wala ako, bigla na lang naginit ang gilid ng dalawang mata ko. I felt tears forming in my eyes. I cried because of what happened to me then until now it's still the same. Nothing changed. Little by little my tears started to flow. It hurts so much.
"Hoy, kupal! Napano ka? Bakit ka umiiyak?" Tanong ni Kenzo. Mararamdaman mo sa boses niya ang pagaalala.
"B-Bakit kaya ganito no'?" My voice cracked.
Mas humarap pa ito sa akin. "Ang alin?"
Tinignan ko ito ng mata sa mata. "Parang bawal sa akin ang l-lahat. K-Kasi. . . Kasi naman parang may pumipigil sa akin na gawin ang gusto ko. . ."
I scoffed. "Ginagawa. . . ko naman ang lahat p-para maging mabuting anak sa kanila pero bakit ganito, Ken? Bakit pinaparusa nila ako?"
Mas lalong lumakas ang hagulgol ko. Hindi ko akalain na kaya nilang gawin ito sa akin nang Nanay ko.
"What do you want? Someone who gives you advice or someone who will listen to you?" Kenzo asked na puno pagaalala sa mata nito.
Tumingala ako sa taas upang pigilan ang paghagos ng mga luha ko.
"Makinig ka lang. Nag-e-english ka pa! Ilabas ko lang 'tong sakit na meron ako." I smiled painfully.
Tumango-tango lang ito sa akin. Mas lumapit pa siya sa p'westo ko. Binigyan niya akong isang ngiti na malapad. "Alam mo ba, Ken. . . Sa ganitong sitwasyon, nami-miss ko ang tatay ko. Siya lang kakampi ko. Siya lang may tiwala sa kakayahan ko pero, wala. . .hanggang ngayon sinisisi ko pa rin ang sarili ko kung napunta kami sa ganoong pangyayari. It's all my fault! Kasalanan ko!"
Kenzo suddenly grabbed my shoulder. He rubbed it to calm me down. He also doesn't know what he will do to make me stop crying. "Hindi mo kasalanan 'yun, Lyzza. . ." umayos ito nang upo. "Bata ka pa lang nu'n. . . Kaya mo nasasabing kasalanan mo dahil simula nangyari iyon, ang tanging bukang bibig nang Nanay mo na ikaw may kasalanan. Simulang bata ka pa, 'yun na ang sinasabi nila sayo. Wala kang kasalanan. Wala may gusto sa nangyari, Lyy."
"Tandaan mo, hindi ikaw. 'Di mo ginusto ang nangyari .Let's move on to what happened but. . . you will never forget your Dad."
I wiped the tears on my cheeks. I just cried in the room while Kenzo was still next to me. I can't blame my Mom for why it happened and why everything is blamed on me. It was a nightmare for me. Hanggang ngayon ay hawak hawak ko pa rin ang pangyayari na iyon.
Kung sa iba lagi nilang ako ang swerte sa kanila pero iba kay Nanay. . . Iba ang tingin niya sa akin. Sa mata niya, isa akong malas. . . Isa akong masamang anak at lalong wala akong kwentang tao sa kaniya. Nakaya na niya ako ipahiya sa buong court at tratuhin na parang aso, sukang-suka siya na maging anak niya ako.
Pero kahit ganu'n si Mama, sobrang mahal ko 'yun.
I felt tears welling up in my eyes again. Almost all my tears rolled down my cheeks at the same time. I only cried. I just cried out loud. I screamed. I cried a lot. I poured out all the pain I feel now. lBigla na lang ako nakaramdam nang may pumulupot na kamay sa akin. Naramdaman ko na lang na tinatapik-tapik ni Kenzo ang likod sa pagkakayakap sa akin.
"Tahan na. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pagagain ang nararamdaman mo ngayon pero. . . heto lang ang tanging alam ko para maging maayos na ang pakiramdam mo," Ani ni Kenzo na patuloy pa rin ito nakayakap sa akin.
"'Di mo kasalanan ang nangyari, Lyzza. 'Di ko alam kung ano ang pinaggagawa sayo ng Mama mo, pero 'di mo deserve! Deserve mong tratuhin ka nang tama galing sa magulang mo! Deserve kang mahalin!" Dagdag pa nito.
"Iiyak mo lang lahat nang iyan. I'll always be here, Lyy."
Hinayaan niya lang ako iiyak ang lahat na dinidibdib kong ito. Halos hagulgol lang ang tanging nagawa ko. Inilabas ko lahat kung ano ang meron ko ngayon. All I know is that I'm still hurting. I want to justify my feelings from Mom but I can't. I can not do it. I can't take it.
Sobrang mahal ko si Nanay,I don't want her to feel that I disrespect her.
Sobrang nasasaktan ako sa sarili ko. Nagagalit ako sa mismong sarili dahil ganito ako. I feel like there are times when I can't even bear to face in the mirror. I really despise myself. I'm so sick of telling myself I'll learn to love myself someday. Hirap ako mahalin ang sarili ko. Sometimes I cry, screaming a lo by myself in my room 'cause I know, I detest everything about myself. I detest the way I think about myself, the way I get furious, and the way I love. Eventhough I can't even recognize my value.
That's me.
I wish I had the power to persuade myself to stop feeling unimportant. I wish I had the power to na ibalik ang lahat. I wish na kung paano pa ako tratuhin ni Nanay noon. I want to reassure myself that whatever feelings I have about myself are legitimate and acceptable. And one day, I hope to gradually come to appreciate who I am.
Magiging proud ka rin sa akin, Nay!
Sometimes, you have to release all the resentment you feel in order to feel better. It's hard, let it all out but you should learn to take it all in little by little. Process your emotion or feelings. Our feelings is valid. But hindi lahat nang nararamdaman mo ay valid kung alam mong mali ka at nakasakit ka nang tao.
Nang nakaramdam akong sinag nang araw ay unti-unti kominulat ang mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog nang ganito. Hindi ko rin lubos maisip na makakatulog pa pala ako ng maayos. Panigurado, sobrang namamaga ang mga mata dahil sa puro iyak na iyak ang ginawa ko.
I was about to get up from my bed when suddenly my eyes widened in shock. I can't explain how I feel right now. I just saw Erica, Shainny, and Kenzo sleeping on the floor. They slept here. Nakangiti ako habang pinagmamasdan silang tatlo. Shainny was still gaping and I could hear her snoring even though it was weak. Erica was wrapped in a blanket. Kenzo was sleeping on his back. The three of them looked very tired.
"Ang mga gago, ang damot nila! Hindi nila ako sinali!" Natatawang sabi ko.
Habang pinapanood ko silang natutulog ay gumalaw nang kaunti si Shainny at dahan dahan niya binuksan ang mga mata ito na napalitan nang gulat, base sa naging reaksyon niya. Dali dali itong napatayo at saka itong sumigaw nang napakalakas-lakas.
"Lyzza, gising ka na?! Totoo nga ang himala!" Sigaw ni Shainny. "Erica! Kentot! Magsitayo na kayo!"
Bumukas ang mga mata ni Erica at napatayo ito kaagad sabay punas sa natayong laway sa kaniyang gilid sa labi.
"Tarantado ka talaga no- Lyzza! Thank, God!"
Napakagat akong labi sa labis na sayang nararamadaman. Next, Kenzo suddenly stood up and still closed his eyes. Shain and Erica and I looked at the view that the three of us could see. Erica suddenly closed her eyes at what she saw.
"Kenzo! Mahiya ka, gago!" Bati ni Shain.
"Ikaw ang mahiya. Kaaga-aga sumisigaw ka. Gusto pang matulog ng ulo ko, Shain. Magpatulog ka, hoy!" Iritableng tugon ni Kenzo. "
"Kung ang isang ulo mo ay inaantok pa, pero 'yung isang ulo mo, gising na gising na at sinasalado pa kami!" Parambadong ani ni Shainny.
Kenzo's eyes widened suddenly because of Shain's answer. He slowly looked down to confirm if it was true. He was wearing boxer shorts so he didn't expect this to happen. He quickly took the blanket used by Erica. He was about to run when I suddenly called him.
Tinanggal na ni Erica ang mga mata nito nang takpan na ni Kenzo ang kaniyang baba.
"Sarap maging almusal 'yan, pre!" Asar ko. "Palamas nga!"
"Ang laki at haba niyan, Kenzo! Kakayanin ba kaya nang magiging girlfriend mo 'yan?!" Natatawang sabi ni Shain.
"Binata ka na, Ken! Patingin nga ng pototoy mo!" Dagdag pa ni Erica.
Tumalikod ito at humugot ito nang malalim na paghinga. Ilang sandali, humarap na ito sa amin. Pumikit naman siya nang marahan.
"Alam niyo, heto kayo, tangina niyo!"
He raised his middle finger. We laughed out loud together. All three of us were almost red in the face because of Kenzo. After he did that, he slowly left the room. He almost ran across the room just to get out.
N A M E L E S S G U Y 2 5