The wind let up eventually, and Gideon's phone signal came back as it did. That meant a barrage of texts and voicemails. The texts were all concerned, but with varying degrees of threat mixed in. He chose to respond to the sibling group chat instead of addressing everyone individually. Safe. Heading back. Though it was going to be difficult to get up when Sam had decided to camp out there.
"Sorry," Gideon said as he started rising slowly, giving the cat a chance to jump off before he was dumped off.
"He'll get over it, don't worry." John kept a respectful distance, only stepping close to pick up Sam when the cat finally jumped down. "He's, ah. A very forgiving boy."
As if on cue, Sam started purring again and rubbed his head against John's chin. "He's sweet," Gideon noted with a small smile.
"Yeah. I'm lucky. D-do you need help getting back?"
"Are you okay with being seen in public?"
John hesitated, a slight look of guilt settling onto his face. "Not really...I wuh, I was gonna call Matthias..."
Fair enough. Gideon appreciated the offer, but he wasn't sure he could handle Matthias's intensity today. He'd been through enough with John. "It's okay. I think I can find my way back." Gideon looked up at the tiny windows. There was still a bit of sand, but nothing he couldn't travel through safely. "Thank you for offering, though."
"You're welcome. And tell everyone t...to be safe."
"I will. Thank you." Gideon hesitated. He wasn't sure what else to say. Already, their conversation felt like a weird dream, something that had happened and shouldn't be discussed again. So, instead of trying, he repeated himself: "Thank you."
John smiled. It made him look so much less tired, even like something approaching the charismatic figure people made him out to be. "I'm glad I could help. Uhm, if...if anything turns up, if you...the broadcast has contact information. For whatever that's worth."
Gideon nodded. "I wish I could give you some advice on your...fans, but it seems like Matthias has that covered."
"Yeah, he does a good job." John smiled like he was thinking of an inside joke. "You'll find her. I know you will."
I hope you're right. John said it with such a casual, secure certainty that made Gideon want to believe, but there were still a few roadblocks in his mind. Too many doubts, worries, uncertainties.
But he wanted to believe it. Maybe that was a good enough first step.
Gideon could feel John's eyes on him as he left the apartment. It almost felt like a shield, like that gaze was granting him one last bit of protection for the long journey. He glanced over his shoulder as he left, catching a glimpse of calm gray. Then the door shut behind him, and the moment was gone.
Outside, the town was starting to wake back up. Doorsteps were swept free of sand; people stuck on the streets emerged from their makeshift shelters, blinked in the light of the sun, and tried to find their footing again. The clarity of the day felt disorienting, especially when combined with the clarity that came with the conversation he'd had.
IT was strange; nothing John had said was wrong. THere was a part of Gideon that clung to it with both hands. But doubt wasn't far behind, either. It was so easy to second-guess those words, no matter how much gentle authority they'd been spoken with. A side effect of his trauma, if he had to guess. It was so hard to believe that he wasn't something monstrous, no matter who was saying it.
Maybe I just need some sleep, Gideon thought. That was usually the correct, if difficult, answer. Maybe things will thin in after that.
The thought kept him pushing forward. It was a bit of a relief that he could focus on it, that he could put aside his doubts enough to focus on a solution. It carried him all the way to the ship.
Of course, things got weird the second he was within earshot of the thing.
"Okay, I'm going!" he heard Arian call. The sound of footsteps going down the ramp was uncharacteristically loud. Arian usually walked with all the silence of a ghost; if he was stepping like that, he was trying to be heard. "We're all heading out! Sure hope my dearly beloved brother, GIdeon, is close by, and that this won't all be for nothing. He was practically shouting as Gideon reached the gate. "Sure would be a shame if he were to show up while we were gone and make this whole thing worthless! That'd really hurt my feelings!"
Gideon groaned quietly and pushed the gate open slightly. Arian was standing at the bottom of the steps, wearing his kinda looks like Matteo face. Matteo himself and Adoette were standing on the ramp with embarrassed looks on their faces. Guess I better put them all out of their misery. "You don't have to go anywhere," Gideon called as he opened the gate a bit wider. "I'm back."
All three turned to look at him with varying levels of surprise. Arian was the first to recover, his shock turning into bafflement as he laughed out loud. "Shit," he said. "I didn't think that would actually work!"
Aodette recovered next, and promptly yanked off one dirty pastel pink sweater to throw at Gideon. He was able to duck back behind cover before it hit him. "Where the hell were you?!" she yelled.
"Sorry," Gideon said from behind cover. "Are you going to throw the other one at me?"
"No." He almost believed that, but not entirely, so he stayed behind cover. "You owe me big time."
"I know. I'm sorry." Gideon carefully peered back into the landing area; when he confirmed that Adoette wasn't showing any signs of taking off her other shoe, he stepped inside, picking up the discarded shoe as he went. "You didn't think what would work?"
"He figured you were either hiding and would overhear, or he'd tempt fate enough to make you materialize before we got too far," Matteo explained. "I hate that I get the logic. And that it worked. Are you okay?"
"Physically, more or less. I just..."
His eyes still felt a bit itchy. He knew he should probably get that looked at, and he definitely knew he owed everyone an explanation. But that nap was looking better and better with every second he was upright. "I needed to walk something off," he said as he gave Adoette back her shoe. "Need to sleep it off now, unless you need me for anything. Are we taking off soon?"
"Not for a little while. You can rest," Matteo said. "I don't think Helen's mad at you, for the record. She was pretty confident you'd be back soon."
Knowing Helen had trusted him was unexpectedly soothing. At least Gideon could be assured that he hadn't added to her already full plate. "Tola's not too worried, is she?" he asked as they started back onto the ship."
The other three exchanged glances. Adoette even made a face before she caught herself. "...she's..." Arian laughed nervously. "...a little worried."
Which meant she was losing her mind with worry. There's the guilt. I wondered when that would show up.
Tola's reaction made the guilt worse. She didn't scold him, demand to know where he had been, or throw anything at him. Instead, she ran to him, and hugged him tightly. He could feel her trying to soothe him, as if she were worried he was still emotionally fragile. She's not wrong. "I'm okay," Gideon said as he gently hugged her back. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"I'm just glad you're safe," Tola replied. "Are you hurt?"
"I'm all right." She could probably help him with his eyes, but...well, he loved Tola, he really did, and he usually wasn't squeamish about how she healed people. Putting it in his eyes was where he drew the line. He could find some other medicine spray and let his body's natural ability to heal quickly do the rest. "Everything's fine now."
That wasn't quite true, though. The longer he was actually inside the ship, the less focused he was on getting to bed. It all started slipping back the closer he got to the finish line–all the bullshit he'd been through lately, everything that had set him on edge. Tola's hug, for example, reminded him of one detail that suddenly felt very important.
The way Luca had flinched away from him before.
Luca was always careful with physical contact. His gift had a habit of flaring up, showing him things he didn't want to see; sometimes skin to skin contact was enough. Like the way it had the day Luca had rested a hand on Gideon's arm, trying to get his attention. Whatever he'd seen had been enough to set him screaming. He hadn't stopped touching Gideon since then, but he'd always been more careful than he was with the others.
What did you see?
He should have gone to bed. Talking to Luca suddenly seemed more important. So, once he'd managed to convince Tola that he really was fine, he just needed to lie down, Gideon went to find his brother.
Luca wasn't hard to find. He was doing his usual pre-launch ritual of checking the security straps on the chairs. He did a double-take when he saw Gideon. "Oh! You're back!"
"Yeah." Gideon shrugged awkwardly. "Sorry about that, I was...having a moment."
"No, no, don't apologize to me, I get it. I'm just glad you didn't get...blown away or something." Luca laughed awkwardly. "Did walking it off work?"
"Eh. Kinda." Gideon gathered up every bit of courage left in him and asked the question: "Are you scared of me?"
"...what?"
No turning back now. "It's just...I don't know if you remember this, but after I started living here, I was kind of zoned out and you touched my arm to get my attention and...you started screaming. You avoided me for a bit after that. And I could be wrong, but I feel like you're still more careful around me than you are the others."
Gideon almost hoped Luca had forgotten, for his sake. They'd been old enough that the memory had probably stuck, but at least if he'd forgotten, he wouldn't have to live with whatever it was that had scared him so much.
Luca's eyes widened. "Wh-no, that was...no, that had nothing to do with you. I mean, it did, but it wasn't..." Luca gripped the hem of his sweater as he spoke. "It wasn't because of something you'd done. It was because of what you went through. I..."
Luca trailed off, trying and failing to make eye contact as he gathered his thoughts. Gideon forced his hands to stay relaxed, but couldn't hold back the question: "Luca, what did you see?"
"...an older man. You had a gun. There was another guy about your age. He was crying. You wouldn't shoot him, so the man hit you and then did it himself. And then he kept hitting you." Luca's shoulders hunched, as if he was trying to sink into the hoodie. "You had...brains on your face. I felt them, too."
Gideon's chest felt tight. That had been the last time the General had tried to use him as an executioner. The sad thing was, that wasn't even his worst memory from that time. He'd just been glad it had been over quickly for the prisoner. He could handle a beating, and the General's coldness after that had made running away later a bit easier. But Luca wouldn't have known all of that.
The screaming suddenly made sense.
"All I saw was how much they hurt you," Luca continued, "and I felt awful. But I didn't want to tell you because I didn't think you wanted to think about it. Arian doesn't like that I know about some of his stuff, so I thought..." Luca stopped to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize...I should've realized it would make you feel worse."
"No, no..." Damn it, he hadn't meant for Luca to be upset. "Don't apologize. I just...did so many terrible things back then. I thought you were afraid of me."
Luca looked stunned. "No! No, no, no, nothing like that. You're my brother and I love you. Nothing's going to change that." Luca finally made full eye contact. "I mean that."
Gideon wasn't sure why his chest felt so tight. He'd heard those words before already, many times. But hearing them now, after the day he'd had, from someone he thought was terrified of him...to hear you're my brother and I love you...
"...oh," he said. It was all he could manage to say.
As he stood there, stewing in his emotions, Luca straightened up, took off his gloves, and held out his hands. Gideon frowned. "What are you...?"
"I'm not scared of you," Luca said. "I promise."
Gideon wanted to believe that. He really did.
So he took Luca's hands.
They both flinched at the initial touch, but Luca didn't let go. They were silent for a moment. Gideon's hands were shaking–or maybe Luca's shaking hands were making him shake. It was hard to tell.
Suddenly, Luca started crying.
Panic set in immediately. Gideon snatched his hands back, but before he could run, Luca grabbed Gideon and hugged him, tightly, carelessly. His cheek bumped against Gideon's face, but he didn't flinch away. "We love you, Giddy," Luca said. He hadn't called him that since they were kids. "We love you, okay? We want you here and we all love you..."
Gideon hugged him back. He wasn't sure if Luca still saw something, if it was upsetting him, but he couldn't make himself let go. He needed the comfort of that hug. He just hadn't realized how much.
Despite that, he didn't resist when Luca finally did let go. "I'm sorry," Gideon said before he could stop himself. "That was a lot to dump on you, I know."
"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you did." Luca wiped the tears from his eyes. "Feels like all everyone is doing in this family is keeping their shit suppressed, you know? I'm glad you were honest."
Gideon thought about Arian's accusations, the way they'd hung over the family like a toxic fog. He thought about the things left unsaid between them since that day. "Yeah," he said. "I know exactly what you mean."
Time for one more conversation. Hopefully, it would go as well as this one had.