juliette
present; narrative + instagram
October 20th. A day that had a heart next to it on my calendar. It was Paige's 21st birthday. Another day that I was hoping to spend by her side. I knew I would see her today, all the girls were going out but it wasn't the same as spending her special day together.
Since that day I never saw Ms.Cheerful again. I later learned her name was Kate but that ain't relevant. She never came to any practices with Paige and even when they crossed paths Paige didn't even glance at her. Kate gave her a hopeful and hurt look but never got anything in return. I partially felt like I had something to do with it but Paige didn't come talk to me either so maybe they just didn't work.
For what felt like the first time in forever Rose was coming out with me. Paige had invited all the girls months ago and even though she didn't know Rose well she knew it would make me happy. I wasn't even sure if our invitations still stood after the breakup but Azzi assured me Paige wanted us there.
The real problem came with what do you get your ex for her birthday. When we were together I had lists of what I wanted to get her but now that we weren't none of my gifts were a good idea. I struggled to even come up with ideas but Paige wasn't fond of gifts and made everyone promise not to get her anything. Obviously most of us weren't gonna listen but I still struggled until I found the Kobe's she'd been wanting for months and bought them. It seemed like an appropriate gift.
"Jules, if you change one more time you're going naked." Rose fell back on my bed, waiting for me to finally settle on one outfit so we could leave. I know being late to someone else's birthday isn't a good look but my palms were sweating just trying to get changed. Even when I was around Paige all the time I was still nervous. I still tried to look my best and now I had changed dresses four times but couldn't settle on one.
"None of them are good enough." I screamed from my closest, changing into my last option before I went in my pyjamas.
I walked out of the closest, doing a little spin in the mirror. It actually wasn't bad.
"Ok, perfect, let's go." Rose grabbed my hand, dragging me out of the room before I could decide I hated it and changed again. With her other hand she grabbed the wrapped shoebox for Paige and made a beeline to the car.
The drive to the restaurant was upbeat, mostly just Rose blasting the music so I couldn't panic and back out. All the windows were down and the cool air blasting in my face made me feel a bit better.
Honestly I was shocked we were going to a nice restaurant. It was probably Azzi's idea because knowing Paige she could have her 21st at Chick-Fil-A and be happy. I'm glad she was doing something special though, she deserved to feel special.
When we parked in front of the restaurant the other girls were standing outside waiting for us. Rose rushed out, jumping on Azzi after not seeing her for a while. Rose had been so busy with work, school and her plants that she almost never saw the girls anymore. I trailed behind her, walking at a normal speed and hugging all the girls, Paige being last. She saw the box in my hands and gave me a look.
"I thought I said no gifts." She complained, giving me a hug. Hugging her had become normal in front of other people. We didn't wanna do that awkward stare down that makes everyone around us feel awkward. Hugging her never got easier. I just learned how to control my heart beating out of my chest.
"You really thought I was gonna listen to that." I smiled at her, pulling away. She smiled back at me and my knees went weak.
"Ok let's go." Ice cheered, dragging everyone into the restaurant, Paige and I following last.
We all sat at a huge table that the girls had reserved. I was sitting next to Paige and Rose with Azzi on Paige's other side.
"Well since Jules got to break the present promise." Azzi said, pulling a present out from under the table. Paige looked at her confused before laughing as everyone else did the same.
"Guys come on." Paige laughed, putting her head in her hands and hiding her face.
"Open them." Dorka pulled out her phone, what a mom she was. Paige started with the first one in front of her, smiling wide as she ripped papers.
She got new basketball shoes, clothes, snacks but still had mine left. Azzi shoved it in her hands and Paige started ripping the wrapping paper with much more caution than the rest. When she noticed the box her head fell and everyone cheered, realizing what would be in the box. Paige opened the box slowly, not believing what she saw. She put her hand over her eyes and everyone tried to reach over and see. Paige wrapped her arm around my shoulder pulling me into a side hug before quickly taking it off.
"Where did you even find these?" Paige asked, holding one shoe up in her hands. The smile on her face was very worth the 500$ I spent on them. Don't judge me, you'd do it too for her.
"It's a secret." She really didn't need to know about the struggles I went to and how many places I called just to even find them, let alone compete with twelve year old boys to buy them.
She put everything down, keeping the shoebox by her side, claiming it as her new prized possession. Everyone ordered food and everyone who was legal got drinks. Paige ordered her first legal drink and everyone erupted in cheers when the waiter placed it in front of her. Her face scrunched up taking the first sip, we all knew she had drank before but whatever was in that cup was much different than the cheap liquor at parties.
We all sat and ate, talking and laughing about our favorite moments with Paige. Everyone started doing speeches, talking about how great Paige was and how much we all loved her which made Paige hide her face and wipe her tears with the inside of her shirt.
"Jules you wanna go?" Aaliyah said, sitting down after her speech. Everyone looked at me, not expecting me to after everything but the hopeful glint in Paige's eyes made me stand up.
"Ok I didn't prepare anything so bare with me. The first time I met you Paige you were late rushing into practice. I know they say first impressions last and even though you were late I saw the love this team held for you. You were the first person to introduce yourself and first to make plans to get to know me. You made me feel like I was a part of this family and I'm so grateful to know you, Happy Birthday P."
Her nickname slipped out of my mouth but I didn't try to stop it. I sat back down watching her hide her face. When she looked up at me her eyes were filled with tears and she put her hand on knee. She used to always rest her hand on my knee and now feeling it there felt normal again.
Everyone had a few more drinks, some girls got up and started dancing but I stayed watching, for some reason I got stuck being a designated driver so I watched the girls dance with a water in my hand. Paige was sitting next to me, on her third drink of the night. I tried to keep my eyes on Rose lip singing the song with Azzi.
"I miss you." Paige blurted out and my head whipped to her. She was staring at me, a tipsy smile on her face.
"I miss you too Paige." I went along with it. The drinks were starting to hit her and she wouldn't remember what she was saying tomorrow. No matter how much I wanted what she was saying to be true I knew it wasn't.
"No, not like that. I miss you. I miss us." She was still looking at me, standing her ground. She wasn't drunk but I didn't want to take her words seriously knowing they could be influenced by the alcohol in her system.
"Paige you don't mean what you're saying." I laughed, trying to keep my heart rate down.
"I do Jules. I'm sober enough to know that I miss you." She begged, putting her hand back on my knee.
"Maybe we should get you home?" I suggested. It was late now, everyone was starting to take breaks from the dance floor and sitting at the table. I moved her hand off my knee.
She nodded, standing up and tripping a little.
"Guys I'm gonna take Paige home, does anyone else need a ride?" I asked, everyone was quick to decline my invitation making it just me and Paige. Even Rose said no and I was confused on how she was planning to get home now.
We walked to my car, Paige getting in the passenger seat and adjusting it to her height. Rose was much shorter than Paige, I was surprised Paige managed to fit inside before adjusting it. When I got in I went to turn the radio up, hoping it would stop Paige from saying anymore stuff she didn't mean but she stopped my hand, turning the radio back down.
It's like the twilight scene when they touch hands for the first time and Bella jumps because of how cold Edward was. I didn't jump because Paige was cold, almost the opposite. She was always radiating heat. The heat that I would snuggle into on cold snowy days and she would just laugh. She was always hot and I was cold. Our hands touching made me jump because deep down I craved it. I wanted to hold her hand everywhere again. I wanted to intertwine our fingers like we always did.
"We need to talk about this Jules." She broke the silence. I kept my eyes on the road. If I looked at her this car would probably crash. I knew she was looking at me, I could feel it but I couldn't handle the way her eyes shined in the dark.
"You're the one that said we're not talking about this when someone's drunk." It shocked me how we always found ourselves in this position. Always finding the way to talk when one of us was drunk but when we were sober we just couldn't get it right.
"I'm not drunk Jules, I could do the counting to prove it." She defended. Her words weren't slurred which was a good sign, I mean if she was gonna keep asking there's no harm in talking.
"Ok Paige, let's talk." I sighed defeated and I saw her do a little celebration.
"She was nothing." She started off, making it harder to keep my eyes off her. I knew she was talking about Kate. "I saw you with Jay all the time and I just couldn't handle it. I knew she liked me so I invited her over and the second she made a move I kicked her out. I don't want anyone but you. It was stupid I know."
I tried to avoid the pit in my stomach. I knew she said what she meant but how much of it was meant to hear. Sober Paige wouldn't admit this. I couldn't base my decision based off the feelings she only admitted when she was drunk.
"Jay was just a friend. I knew he loved me. He told me himself but we almost kissed and it felt wrong." I left out the part where he let me go because I loved her. I couldn't fall too far into this fantasy. Tomorrow when she wakes up it will go back to normal. This wouldn't have happened in her head.
"You know when you told me how I broke up with you sucked?" She asked, laughing. I nodded. "You weren't wrong. I didn't even know what I was doing. I was scared and angry and everything but you and took it out on you. I'm sorry Jules."
I gripped the steering wheel harder. I wanted to accept her apology, I wanted to forget about this and go back to us but I had to be mature. I had to keep in my mind the drinks she had tonight that are messing with her head.
"I know you can't trust anything I'm saying but I mean it, and I'll prove it to you for the rest of my life." She kept talking, noticing I stayed quiet. I parked the car in front of the dorm.
"Ok Paige, if you come back when you are fully sober we'll talk properly." I sighed, knowing I was just gonna get hurt more. Talking to drunk Paige was different. She said everything I wanted to hear but not in the right circumstances. I couldn't forgive someone that was drunk in my passenger seat, no matter how much I loved Paige I would never take advantage of her like this. She needed to make up her mind fully sober.
"I'll be at your door tomorrow Jules, anything for us." My heart broke. The chances of her even remembering she said that were slim. I was most likely going to spend all day tomorrow watching the door, waiting for someone that wasn't gonna come.
"Ok Paige let's go." I got out of the car, walking to the passenger seat and helping her out. She was still stumbling and with her injury I didn't want her hurting herself even worse.
"You know I started reading more books, to help me heal." Her tone was soft, almost like she felt embarrassed for admitting it. I always told her to read when she first got injured. I knew she needed some light in her recovery that neither I or her teammates could give her.
"Good Paige, I'm proud of you." I said honestly, helping her out of the elevator when it came to a stop at her floor. We stood outside her door as she put the key in, turning it and unlocking the door. She didn't go in, instead turning around to face me again.
"I'll be there tomorrow Jules, I promise." She put her pinky out in front of me. I interlocked our pinkies, ignoring the swelling in my chest knowing she was going to break a promise she wouldn't even remember making. It wouldn't be her fault. It would be mine for getting attached to her promises. I wouldn't ever tell her she broke this promise, or made it in the first place.
"Goodnight Paige." I went to walk away but she grabbed my hand, pulling me closer and wrapping her arms tightly around my waist. I stayed stiff, careful with my movements but eventually I melted into her touch. I wrapped my arms around her neck and she nuzzled her head into my shoulder. I dreamed of holding her like this again but I didn't want it to be like this.
She pulled away, the tears in her eyes evident now. I could see that she was hurting. No matter how drunk her eyes always showed her emotions. She grabbed my hand, kissing the back of it and walking inside, closing the door behind her.
When the door closed I let myself break, trying to stay quiet so no one would hear the sobs that raked through my chest. I rested my forehead against the door. All I wanted was my Paige. I wanted her to remember tomorrow but I knew she wouldn't. I couldn't depend on it but god I wish she knew how much I love her. And how much it broke me walking away from the door that night, not knowing if we would ever be fixed.
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liked by @paigebueckers, @azzi35, @caitlinclark22, @nika.muhl and 5,908 others
juliette.bronson happy birthday P. Thank you for making me apart of your family. You have no idea the impact you've made on the team, on me and on the entirety of women's basketball. i'm so grateful to know you and continue to learn from you. also pls take some advil when you wake up. we love you!!
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paigebueckers Jules you're finna make me cry. What is that last picture???
➥juliette.bronson a very cute 0.5 of u ??
azzi35 send me all of these
➥juliette.bronson will do
paigebueckers thank you for the birthday wishes
user49 happy birthday Paige! you never fail to put a smile on my face
➥Liked by creator
ice.bradyy please tell me you're not gonna do all of us this dirty
➥paigebueckers those ain't even bad. just wait for your birthday
rosalineblake happy birthday paige buckets
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author's note
some progress for Jules and Paige
will she remember her promise?
also just so everyone knows back to december, falling and love in the dark played while I wrote this