Every single day, Javier awaited his lies being seen through. He was shocked he hadn't already been caught, his story about his 'wife' was so choppy and badly thought through, and even when he looked in the mirror, he didn't look like a man, not in his eyes.
But the longer this lie went on, the worse it would be should Dutch find out. How would he even tell someone? He was a freak, he was a fucking liar who still wanted to be protected even though he lied to the gang leader's face. He hid it before it never ended well, he told his family and that too ruined his life. But what was he supposed to do? He was miserable living life as someone he wasn't.
They had to know, there was no way Javier could lie to them longer than he had. Even if it meant he would be kicked out of the gang. But he just couldn't find the words to confess the truth. How was he supposed to tell anyone that he liked about so many important things, and about his entire past and Mateo's life?
There was only one other person Javier felt he could speak to about such secrets. Arthur sat alone at the edge of camp that night, drawing in his journal as always. Arthur never seemed the judgemental sort, perhaps he was even a little too laid back at times. Javier's stomach was in knots, felt like he was intruding as he approached, but Arthur turned around with a smile upon hearing the crunching of leaves under Javier's boots.
"Evenin'." He nodded in Javier's direction. "You gotta see the stuff your son's been drawin' in my journal." He sat beside Arthur and looked at all the crudely drawn doodles that were clearly done by a child. And there was a lot of them. Mateo had certainly found his interest in drawing, and Arthur liked teaching him. "Your boy's gonna be an artist."
"I'm sorry about him. He's very lonely sometimes."
"Nothin' to say sorry for. When he's bigger I'll teach him how to draw. Where is the kid?" Javier pointed over at his tent, where John was sitting, leaning over sleeping Mateo. He and Javier had become quite close, Arthur observed, he seemed at his happiest talking to John.
A peaceful silence fell on the two, but Arthur was good at picking up on how Javier was feeling, he learnt it pretty well over the last few months. He was fidgeting, biting his already worn down nails, knee bouncing. "Somethin' on your mind?"
He opened his mouth to talk but all that followed was a choked squeak. He bit his lip, fighting back any tears. He'd had an emotional rollercoaster in the last few weeks and if Arthur mocked him now, just like everyone else did, he would lose it. "I lied, to everyone here.."
"You lied? About what?" Arthur put his journal next to him, scooting closer to Javier.
"I'm not a man, Arthur."
The only sound that followed was crickets, and his heart thumped so loud he swore he could hear it. He heard every little movement from every tree and it felt like time stopped as Arthur processed what he said. Arthur looked him up and down; what was he supposed to do? Comfort Javier?
He cleared his throat, unsure of what to say next. "So...you—you what? You got a woman's body? How's that work?" He said, with genuine curiosity in his tone. Perhaps it was a little forced to make Javier feel more calm, but it was a genuine sincerity nonetheless.
"Please don't tell Dutch about this...I haven't told anyone, I want to do that myself but...I'm scared," Javier looked with genuine sadness in his eyes. "John may think I am a freak."
"He wouldn't, I know John." Javier looked like he was about to cry. As much as Arthur hated hugs and he knew Javier did too, his heart swelled for the poor kid and he felt like he had no choice but to hug him. "You an' John been awfully close lately. He don't care about anythin' that doesn't affect him."
"You don't understand...I am a man with a woman's body. Is this not strange to you?"
"It's definitely new, it'll be new to John too, but I know him and he ain't gonna care about that."
"But I lied to all of you...And I lied to Mateo.."
"Mateo's a baby, he don't care about nothin' except candy. I don't need to hear the full details about your life but I know John would never care about that, you got it? I don't care neither. None of my business." He picked out a cigarette from a box of them before he offered one out to Javier, who thanked him and took one.
He breathed in a mouthful of smoke, breathing it out with a heavy sigh. He was miserable. He liked this gang and he was welcomed very well into it, but things were so complicated. He didn't like being vulnerable. It didn't help when he was starving and weak begging for food with his son, and it wasn't particularly nice now, but it always felt safe around Arthur. Arthur always brought a feeling of safety and comfort when Javier had something he had to talk about.
"You did a good job of hidin' it, that's for sure. How did you grow a moustache like that? That's crazy." Arthur said to break the awkward tension.
Javier shrugged. "Ah, lemons, it works. But it takes many years for it to work like this."
"And what did your parents think about it?"
He went quiet. The only person who ever knew so much about him was his sister, he told her everything, and Antonio. "My mamá...She didn't understand me, but she loved me, she cut my hair, bought new clothes though we had little money. And...well, my papá hated me. He hurt me a lot. He used to scream at me, tell me I will never be his son."
"And what about your wife, or whatever she was. She knew about—Wait.." Javier laughed a little. "Where the hell you get Mateo from then?"
"I had a husband, not a wife. His name was Antonio and I know him many years before Mateo was born. He loved me, and he loved our son. I still miss him, Mateo looks a lot like him, you know." Javier rambled on, looking down at his feet as he stretched out on the grassy floor. "We were...ah, what's the word? Revolucionarios, together. And I was ten-nine when we found out we were having a child."
Arthur chuckled. "Ten-nine? You mean nineteen. That's real young." But, thank you. For trustin' me. I ain't gonna tell no one else, but I promise you, John will be okay with it...So, you an' this Antonio feller. You an' him adopted Mateo?"
He couldn't tell if Arthur was being oblivious on purpose. "Ay, ay, ay...Come on Arthur, you know. Mateo is my child, Antonio's child."
"So you have a woman's body." Arthur stated, to which Javier nodded. "Ah, I get you. So you an' Antonio...you already know what I'm gonna say. That's...somethin' I never heard of before. Did people treat you differently?"
"No. They would, but I was safe with my sister and my mother. For weeks, Mateo and I were very sick, but my mother look after us."
"That's real brave of you for tellin' me. I wouldn't worry about John, he won't care none about this. Thank you for trustin' me, Javier. It means a lot, an' your secret is safe with me." Javier nodded a long, Arthur's accent made his words a little too difficult to understand at times. Arthur often forgot he was speaking to someone who barely knew English.
"Alright Arthur, thank you, I'll tell John soon. And don't tell Mateo. He doesn't know Antonio."
"You have my word, now go get some rest with your little family, eh? An' also don't worry about Mateo usin' my journal too. He don't do no wrong. Needed a fresh perspective and that kid's got a wild imagination." Arthur laughed, happy to see a smile crack Javier's face
One last hug from Arthur and Javier went back to his tent. John was well asleep by that point, with Mateo all curled up against him sucking on his little thumb. Javier hated when he did that but it didn't matter tonight. He lay down on the other side of Mateo, resting his hand on the boy's sleeping body. No one had ever cared for Mateo the way Javier did after Antonio died, but John cared for him just as much as he did.
Arthur stayed up, thinking about what Javier had said. He didn't care much about the 'man's body' thing, but Antonio and Mateo...God, Javier was a kid. Nineteen was such a young age for people to have children in Arthur's eyes, Eliza was Javier's age too. Only difference between them was Javier could protect Mateo on his own. He was twenty-three now, and as safe as the gang was for now, Arthur suddenly felt more protective of him and Mateo, being the youngest and most vulnerable people in camp. But he was sure Dutch picked him up because he saw something in Javier, there was more to him that met the eye. Because how did he manage to run off from Mexico with a child when the bounty on his head was so great? He did he survive weeks in the desert with Mateo? Javier was not this weak, vulnerable person Arthur thought he was.