Basking in the early summer heat, Shannon sat down gracefully on the black sun lounger in the quiet country garden, quietly sipping on her fruit juice while Tori fussed with the sunhat on Ava’s little head. Of course, she’d inherited her mother’s porcelain skin tone, so she would probably burn in the sun.
Tor didn’t seem as concerned about her own skin though, slender and gorgeous in a tiny teal bikini – the huge straw hat holding up her fall of long blonde hair the only concession to the dangers of the sun.
Shannon chuckled lightly, shaking her head as she settled back her head. “You should be worrying about your own skin just as much as hers!”
Tori blushed quietly, until Shannon opened one eye to look over at her – confused by the silence.
“If I get sunburn, I might also get ... my Jayden back.”
Sitting up slowly, Shannon looked over at her in concern, trouble in paradise? “What do you mean?”
“He, uh,” Tori chuckled without humour, taking a sip of water for her suddenly dry mouth, “God, you know I don’t talk about this stuff ...”
Shannon never said a word, she just watched the blush cloud over Tori’s pale skin.
“It’s just ... when we met, he said he was into ... stuff, and yet since we’ve been ... well together properly, he’s kind of ... not done any of it. And I don’t know how to bring it up again.”
Confusion etched over Shannon’s features, all of the vague non-answers in Tori’s voice baffling her. “Stuff like ... what?”
The blush deepened on Tori’s skin ... if that was possible, and she shifted Ava over to the Moses Basket, cloaking a pale pink muslin over her to shade her from the sun, before taking a deep and visible breath, “He likes ... control. And other stuff.”
“And ...?”
Tori’s eyebrows lifted simultaneously, “Oh,” she muttered in a low voice, before realisation drifted down over her features, “Oh! ... Ew ... Nate?”
Slowly, a frown drifted over Shannon’s face, was it Nate? Had she always gone for that because it was what he wanted ... or was it her?
She’d never tried it with anyone else, always hoping that they would maybe ... take over ... just like Nate had. But what if that was what she needed? Sex had always been completely unfulfilling since she’d been in London – with the few men that she had actually let into her bedroom, what with trust being such a big issue for her when it came to these things. Yes, she loved male attention, but taking a man into her body was entirely different altogether, after what her father had put her through.
She’d always assumed that Nate had set the bar, because she’d been in love with him. Maybe it was all a lot more basic than that. Maybe she just needed to be dominated, completely.
God, she was warped!
“Getting yourself sunburnt won’t get you spanked honey, it’ll get you held under lock and key until Christmas!” she joked lightly, trying to change the subject away from the topic of her and Nathaniel bloody Casey. Really not ready to talk about him, and all the variant levels of headfuck that she’d faced since his little bombshell seven months ago.
“It’s worth a try,” she pouted, “I’m out of options, I’ve tried everything! It feels like he doesn’t even want me anymore!”
Huffing, Tori threw herself back against the cushioned sun lounger, and Shannon chuckled in disbelief, “He adores you, what the hell is the matter with you? You used to say he was controlling and ...”
“I know, I know, I just ... He drives me mad, but that’s him, you know? But I want him to be happy, I don’t want him to think that he can’t ... you know, do that stuff with me.”
“He’s already done that stuff with you, Tor,” Shannon drawled, nodding her head towards the very peaceful product of aforementioned ... stuff.
“Thanks a bunch,” Tori chuckled, “Don’t ever become a therapist!”
“Wasn’t planning on it,” Shannon closed her eyes, leaning back against the cushions, “But, seriously, Tor, Jayden will treat you like glass because right now ... you’re fragile to him. The whole thing – you, Ava – it’s like his dreams have come true. You’re enough for him, he probably just doesn’t want to push his luck.”
Tori sighed dejected, “I suppose you’re right,” she grumbled, “I just don’t want him to think that I’m not willing or able to do that for him ...”
Shannon didn’t say anything. Jayden was more or less bound to behaving like that before – it would have been a leftover from his childhood and the brutality he’d faced – but whether or not it was his true nature was an entirely different thing altogether. Sure, he’d always be overprotective, and dominant, but was it a sexual thing, or a matter of instinct and adoration – that would probably remain to be seen.
When you’re like Jayden, when you’re trying to push everybody away, then games like that would be easy to hide behind.
“So, anyway,” Tori broke into her thoughts, “I need to go over to the city to get a new dress for Ava’s christening, I know it’s not booked yet or anything, but I just want to be ready. Do you fancy a glitzy, glamorous Hollywood shopping spree? Because I’ve seen these amazing Jimmy Choo’s online that would look just fabulous on you!” Her voice ended on a melodic pitch, as she sung out about shoes, and all sorts of things glittery. She was worse than a magpie for anything that sparkled!
“You’re such a bad influence on my bank balance,” she muttered, with a smirk, “So you’re going for the whole christening thing? You’re the least religious person I know!”
Both girls shifted to the side, Ava’s basket between them, to look at each other, “I know, but Jayden’s hell bent on it,” Tori said softly, peeking under the gauze material, “The Sins of the Father, you know? He wants to save her soul or something ...”
Shannon sighed, watching her friend grimace, Jayden’s past still a bone of contention between them – not because of how she felt about it, but because of the guilt and shame he was carrying.
He’d promised Tori a clean slate, but how clean can it be when he still feels as though he has blood on his own hands?
“He’s really trying, Tor,” she said gently, “He’s an amazing father, an amazing boyfriend – the two of you are perfect for each other. But you can’t expect him to be perfect, because he never can be. He’ll never ... fix, you just need to work with him.”
“I know.”
“He’s come such a long way since last year, babe, and it wasn’t magic and miracles that got him there ... it was you. And you’re only packing more ammunition with that beautiful baby girl you’ve given him. You’re his little piece of Heaven.”
Tori’s eyes were clouding with tears as she mulled over Shannon’s words, “That’s such a beautiful thing to say,” she whispered, her voice catching in the sobs that were brewing in her throat.
Shannon shrugged, and chuckled softly, “The truth.”
Shannon lay on her side, closing her eyes, letting the sunshine and silence wash over her.
The memories rushed in, as she thought back on the day that she’d expected to tell Nate about their child, the day she’d expected to tell him that, not only were they free from her father, and her past, but they had hope, not only with each other but with the tiny being inside her. She’d thought she knew exactly how he’d feel when she told him that they now had a future that they would hold in their arms.
It had been a week since she’d lost her parents, and though she was consumed with grief, and fear of being alone, she knew she had Nate. They were free to be married now, to live a normal life, together, without the shadows of her father looming over them.
And they were expecting a child, everything would be perfect.
The electrical fire that had consumed her parents’ house had completely destroyed everything that she had. Although her parents had tormented and abused her, she had always been graced with the benefits of their vast wealth – at least as far as the outside world was concerned. She was dressed smart – always in brand new, beautiful clothes.
But she would never have known where they were had the house and everything in it still been standing anyway.
Her mother controlled her wardrobe. Each morning a new outfit would be laid on the bed – still with its tags on the label – and each night it would be locked away, in what and where, Shannon had no clue. So, in one way, it was almost easier that everything was gone, because how on earth could she have explained all of this? There were no happy memories in that building, just dividends and insurances on absolutely everything.
She’d stayed with Tori and Nate, whose parents had already passed away the year previous, and Tori had already started a brand new wardrobe before the end of that evening, although Shannon had had to explain that she didn’t really know what styles she wore, or what she liked, because her mother had always shopped for her. It was just easier to explain it like that, and Tori had taught her exactly how her own mother taught her to put things together, to play around with her own image, and explore her creativity.
So she’d tried, and absolutely loved it!
Tonight was the first outfit she’d done on her own – white ripped skinny jeans, and a gauze leopard print top layered over a white crop top. She’d paired it all with heavy gold accessories, and a pair of gladiator sandals. Her dark hair was still long – almost skimming her thighs in mahogany waves – and she’d left it loose, because she knew Nate preferred it that way. He’d asked to meet her at the beach, even though they were living together, it was all a little awkward whispering in corners if Tori didn’t know about them, so she’d taken a bit of care with her appearance, and she would meet him at the bench above the sand dunes at six in the evening.
She still had so much to do in preparations for the funeral, and her future, she knew she couldn’t stay with Tori and Nate forever, but she hoped to buy them a place, maybe, with the money from her parents’ insurances. She’d need to talk it over with Nate first, see how he felt. Tori was planning on going to University in a few months, so maybe they would just stay at the Caseys’ old place afterwards, it would really be up to him, he had so much more to consider than she did.
Nate didn’t want to tell Tori just yet, he wanted to break it to her gently, after they’d kept it a secret for so long because of her parents, she could only respect that he wouldn’t want to upset her.
Once they were married, obviously Tori would have to know, and Shannon knew that she’d be pleased for her, that she’d found her Knight in Shining Armour. But Nate had his reservations.
She saw him emerge from the early dusk that had clouded the beach, throwing his dark hair out of his eyes as he tracked the sand with his eyes, not meeting her own. Powerful and restrained, even then, she watched his smooth march across the sand – she loved the way he walked, smooth and steady, his arms swinging at his side, and yet somehow always coiled with tension – demanding respect and attention from anybody that looked his way.
“Hi,” she smiled shyly, once he was close enough, and he just gave a stiff nod in response, folding himself onto the bench next to her, blowing out an agitated breath as he stared out over the calm waters – moonlight dancing over the waves, and the stiff breeze furrowing into the calm surface.
He didn’t seem like himself, he seemed sullen and closed off, as he sat with his arms crossed over his chest, and his dark brow furrowed and cool. He didn’t look at her, or say a word; he just stared out into the darkening skies.
Reaching out a hand to brush a lock of dark hair that had fallen into his eyes, her voice was gentle, and soothing, “What’s the matter?”
He flinched away from her, the look on his face almost disgusted as he turned to her, “Nothing’s the matter,” he drawled, “I just ... don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
He pursed his lips, turning back to the waters, as she felt a wave of despair crash over her – her heart breaking in that one second that he’d pulled away from her touch.
She disgusted him, that was all that she could see from that moment. She carried his child inside of her body, and yet he was completely disgusted, couldn’t even bear her touch.
She had nothing to say. How could she not have seen that this was how this would turn out? How could she even blame him for feeling that way?
Tears blurred her eyes as she looked away, over into the dark night, the breeze picking up in the dusk, whipping her hair into her face, and she heard his deep inhale of annoyance, pulling it back quickly so that it couldn’t touch him again.
Something flashed in his eyes as he watched her movements, something old and primal, and so familiar to what she was used to seeing from him that a twinge of hope entered into the crevices and cracks of her broken heart, but it was broken down with the ice cold resolve and anger that shot out across his gaze, and she felt the agonizing pain of her heart shattering all over again so intensely that she physically winced under his stare.
“I can’t be with you, Shannon, it’s just ... we’ve ran our course. Guys like me don’t fall in love with girls like you,” his voice was steady, and low, and he didn’t look into her eyes for a single second of it. When she sneaked a look at his face from under a fall of dark hair that hid her from his view, she saw his clenched jaw, and his head high.
She didn’t see any more or any less, but it was all she needed.
She’d expected him to realise one day that he was beyond her; that he could have someone ... whole - somebody who didn’t whisper in small voices because she was afraid to be heard, who didn’t flinch away when you caught her by surprise.
She wouldn’t fight him when he told her it wasn’t real, she didn’t have the strength. In fact, she had nothing to offer him, nothing but her heart, and who knew if that could ever be the same once it had been damaged just like the rest of her?
She choked on a sob, fuelled by her own thoughts, by his words.
And she let the tears fall over her cheeks, streaking the make up that she’d carefully applied.
She let her manicured fingernails bite crescents into the fleshy palm of her hand.
But she didn’t say a word.
“It’s been fun, it was a great fuck,” he stood up stiffly, eyes still averted, his own voice unsteady – he must have been concerned that she would fight him, argue tooth and nail, but she wouldn’t. She would give him the freedom that he needed, he wasn’t hers after all - she couldn’t keep him. He dragged a deep, unsteady breath into his lungs, “But we’re done here. You’re just too damaged for me.”
It took ten seconds for him to walk away. Ten seconds of deep, uncomfortable silence – the soft waves in the sea air the only sound between them, and it masked only the trek of tears.
She couldn’t let him know that her heart was broken; she couldn’t burden him further with that.
******************************************
Looking back, Shannon could see the lies in his speech; she could hear the rehearsals of the words that she’d never even thought on before now.
But she could also still feel an echo of every second of pain that had followed his words.
She’d gone straight to Rory’s after that, cried on his shoulder and told him everything – about her father, Nate, the baby. He’d offered to marry her, raise the child as his own, but she couldn’t bear the thought of staying in town, of watching Nate grow old with another woman – of another woman bearing a child and his ring in exactly the same way that she’d dreamt of.
So she left.
She borrowed £5,000 off Rory’s parents, assuring them that they would have it back the second that her inheritance was processed, and arranged to move to London once the funeral was over, telling Tori that she was following a life-long dream of becoming a model.
She started her very first design as soon as she moved over, a Christening gown made of fine-spun ivory silk for her baby daughter, embroidered with the same design that was inked onto her inner thigh – her initials and Nate’s intertwined into a small, circular symbol.
It had symbolised their love, she’d thought, when she had the tattoo on the same day that he’d had his dragon, and he’d kissed it better once it stung. Each time they’d made love, he would run his fingertips over it, as though it were a brand of possession and undying devotion.
Despite her heartbreak, she wanted Nate to be there – in some form – on the day that their daughter was baptised, and she’d laboured over each tiny stitch of silver thread with excitement – for the moment that she would see the product of them brought into the world.
Even after she hated him, cursed him even, for each and every thing he’d done wrong – for each fracture in her heart – she still loved him for giving her Molly.
Even when she’d seen their tiny daughter lying in a plain white, tiny coffin, and mourned for her – alone at the crematorium – after she was born sleeping, she still loved him for that.
“Do you ... um,” Shannon cleared her throat discreetly in the bright sunshine, cluttered as it was with unshed tears, and the burden of long moments of silence, “Do you have anything in mind for Ava to wear?”
Tori looked over slowly, shaken from her own quiet reverie, and turned onto her side with a shrug, “I don’t know where my christening outfit is, I don’t think Mum kept it, and Jayden was never christened at all, so there’s nothing special I don’t think, why do you ask?”
“I have something I’d like her to wear ... if that would be okay?”
Shannon’s voice was broken, her demeanour shed, with just her heartbreak in her eyes, and Tori closed her own violet gaze, before looking down at her sleeping daughter. She couldn’t imagine Shannon’s pain, she didn’t even want to think about it. Reaching out her hand, she took Shannon’s palm in hers.
“You sure?” she choked out, tears blurring her vision for everything that this brave, strong girl had been through in her life.
Nodding her head resolutely, Shannon looked down at the peaceful, sleeping baby in the Moses Basket. It felt right that Ava should wear it ... as though Molly would be there too ... somehow. “Yeah, I’m sure,” she whispered, “Just give me a few days to make a few alterations.”