I was sitting in the hall, leaning against the wall, petting Charlie on the head and twirling Jeovanni's necklace around my finger while I waited for Radesh to pick me up. My bags were by my side, and each time my hand touched Charlie's fur, my heart ached at the possibility of Radesh honking outside, signalizing it was time for me to go.
I lied to my family and told them I was leaving later, so they were still asleep. I didn't want to say goodbye to them. I hugged them goodnight, and told them I'd see them in the morning, but it was a lie. I just thought it would be too painful having to say a formal goodbye.
Charlie laid his head on my lap, and I focused on a dark spot on the wall in front of me. It seemed to be mud, and Mallory would try to find out how that got there and make Alvarez clean it. My lips quirked up in a sad smile at that imaginary scenario.
A loud honk outside made Charlie and I jump, and we looked at each other. Leaving him behind was hurtful, and it seemed like he picked up on my pain as he let out a low cry. I took a deep breath and kissed the top of his head before standing up and grabbing my bags from the floor.
I opened the door, and had to quickly shut it as soon as I went through it so Charlie wouldn't go outside with me. I looked ahead of me to see Radesh leaving the car. After breathing in deeply one more time, I walked in his direction and he met me in the middle.
"Let me get this for you-" He started to say, but I interrupted him by hugging him "Oh" He seemed not to understand what was going on, taking a second to wrap his arms around me as well.
"Thank you for going to my football matches" I murmured.
"Oh" He repeated.
I had always been rude to Radesh, but he stuck around even so. He could have just been my chauffer; he could have been just what he was paid to be. But no. He still had done more than my father ever did.
I didn't want to compare my boyfriend to Radesh, but they had this one thing in common. They never left.
"It's okay, Jackie" He said as I pulled away "I had fun"
I nodded with a small smile, and let him help me put the bags in the trunk. Then, we got into our respective seats – Radesh in the driver's one and me in the passenger's one. He only began to speak again when he had already started to drive.
"This town did you good, huh?" He commented with an amused grin.
I chuckled.
"I suppose"
"Tell me everything" He urged "Family, friends, school, football, dating..."
"My family is great, Radesh" I told him "I made good friends. School is normal. I went through the whole football season. And... And I met someone"
"Really?" His smile got bigger "Do tell"
"I just..." I shrugged "I guess I just found out I don't have to be a jerk all the time" I found out much more than that, but my discoveries were too personal for me to share it like that.
Radesh laughed.
"I'm happy for you, Jackie" He ruffled my hair.
I rolled my eyes, but let a smile find its way to my lips nonetheless.
"Thank you, Radesh" I paid attention to the cloudy sky above us and the birds flying across it, a brief memory of the junkyard coming to my mind "How is your son?"
"He's got a girlfriend" He widened his eyes "Can you believe that? I think he's too young, but he's not grumpy anymore, so I guess it's okay"
"He'll be fine" I assured him "What about you? How have you been?"
"I've been great too, Jackie" He answered, sending me a quick look "Thank you for asking"
We had been on the road for over an hour, and I was almost falling asleep when my phone started to ring. I winced when I saw who was calling and picked up.
"Where are you?" Mallory asked me, her tone a mix of confusion and despair.
"I had to leave earlier"
"Why didn't you wake us up?" She complained "We wanted to say goodbye"
"I didn't want to disrupt your sleep"
There were a few seconds of silence before she talked again.
"Alright, but call me when you get there, okay?" She requested "I don't want you to disappear on me. If you do, I'll stop by father's house, and I mean it"
"I won't disappear" I promised her "Tell everyone I said hi" I pursed my lips "I miss you guys already"
"We miss you too" She replied "We love you, Jack"
My heart skipped a beat.
"I love you too" And I really did.
We exchanged a few more words before Mallory had to finish packing their bags. I wished them a good trip and hung up, seeing I had two text messages from Jeovanni.
From Jeo❤️:
good morning❤️
are you on the road already?
To Jeo❤️:
Yes.
I'll text you when I get there.
From Jeo❤️:
you better
i miss you
To Jeo❤️:
We saw each other yesterday.
I debated with myself if I should send him the next message, quickly coming to the decision to send it. Jeovanni was my boyfriend. There were some things that made no sense for me to feel embarrassed to tell him.
To Jeo❤️:
But I miss you too
From Jeo❤️:
💚
I ended up sleeping for the rest of the trip, only waking up when Radesh nudged me. I opened my eyes slowly, and I felt as if my body had paralyzed when I saw why we stopped.
"We're here" Radesh said, opening his door "I'll help you with your bags"
"No" I quickly left the car as well, following him to the trunk "I'll get it"
"But they're too heavy" He contested.
"I'll get it" I repeated, grabbing each bag with one hand and slinging them over my shoulders "It's okay"
"Your back is gonna hurt" He protested.
"It's fine" I insisted "Thank you again, Radesh. I'll see you in a couple of days"
We waved each other goodbye and I got into my father's house. The place hadn't changed. I had lived here for almost eighteen years of my life, but it still seemed so strange to me. So... foreign. It was too big, too black and white, too quiet.
On my way to my room, I caught sight of Angela doing the dishes in the kitchen. I stopped by the doorway and looked at her for a moment. There had been years since I last spoke to Angela. She was here most part of the day, but I began to be rude and ignore her when I was twelve years old. And she had no choice but to accept it.
"Hi"
She turned around at the sound of my voice, and she furrowed her eyebrows slightly, looking to her sides, as if to guarantee I was indeed talking to her. When she found no one else in the room, she glanced at me again.
"Hi, Jack"
Angela had been part of one of my happiest memories for so long, and I didn't even talk to her. Hearing her call my name after all this time, after all the time I spent with my family, was like finally hearing her call for my actual person. It was like finally being able to answer her as my actual person. To answer her like I answered her when I was a kid.
"I was wondering..." I scratched the back of my neck "I was wondering if you could bake that chocolate cake again. If that's okay with you"
She opened and closed her mouth a few times, blinking rapidly, clearly confused at the situation.
"Y-yeah" She stuttered "Of course"
"Cool" I nodded, giving her a contained lipped smile "Thank you"
I went up to my bedroom and dropped my bags on the floor as soon as I got in, closing the door behind me. I wasn't going to unpack.
I took a look around the room. It was so much bigger than my room in Mallory's house, but it felt so much emptier. I walked over to some shelves next to the TV in front of my bed, and took a look at the framed pictures there. There was one of when I was at the park with Kaden and Charlie, one of when my aunt Charlotte took me to the beach for the first time, and a frame with no picture in it.
I opened the glass doors of the commode under the shelves, seeing my collection of the books Nietzsche wrote. I ran my finger across the spine of Thus Spoke Zarathustra, my lips involuntarily curling up in a smile and my hand going to the murano glass hanging from my neck.
My eyes diverted to a football ball laying forgotten on the floor next to the commode. I rolled my eyes at it and stood up, grabbing one of the bags I brought with me and searching for Jeovanni's book. I sat down on my bed and continued to read it, waiting for Angela's chocolate cake to be ready.
'Or perhaps, to confess that yourself are worried and frightened? You need your friends, Harry. As so rightly said, Sirius would not have wanted you to shut yourself away'.
I closed the book after that paragraph. I looked ahead of me, at the picture of Kaden and I next to each other, frowning. I didn't put much thought into this as I reached for my phone in my pocket and called my cousin.
"What?" Kaden answered within seconds.
"Hi" I gulped, standing up and deciding to pace around my room "I'm in town for a few days. I was wondering if we could meet"
"No, thanks"
"Wait-" I was fast to say so he wouldn't hang up "I just... I just really want to talk to you. I need to talk to you. Please. Tomorrow, for breakfast, you can pick anywhere for us to meet. Just this once, Kaden. I won't bother you again"
There were some excruciating seconds of silence between us before Kaden replied me. I waited for his answer biting my thumbnail.
"Fine" He conceded "But I swear to God, if I hear any of your bullshit-"
"You won't" I promised "I'll see you tomorrow. Text me the address"
He hung up without saying goodbye, and I let out a sigh of relief when he did text me an address instead of just ignoring our call. Opening the messages app made me remember to text Jeo and Mallory that I had arrived.
To Jeo❤️:
I'm at my father's house.
I called my cousin.
I'll talk to him like you suggested a while ago.
I stared at my screen, thinking that maybe I was too dry.
To Jeo❤️:
❤️
Then, I moved to Mallory's conversation.
To Aunt Mallory:
I'm at my father's house.
I heard Angela shouting from downstairs that the cake was finished, so I locked my phone and rushed to the kitchen.
When I got there, I saw that she had already cut me a slice, and was sitting across the seat she had saved for me. I sat down in front of her and took my first bite, being brought back to my childhood memories. It was a bittersweet feeling. But I liked living it anyway.
"Is it good?" She asked me with hope enlaced in her voice tone.
I nodded.
"It's just like I remembered" I let her know with a small smile.
She smiled back, and I felt shame and guilt take over me.
"Um..." I cleared my throat, looking down at the dessert "I know I..." I was having trouble finding my words "I know I haven't been a good person to you these last few years. I'm sorry, Angela. It wasn't anything personal"
Apologizing was a hard thing for me to do. I didn't like showing people I felt regret. I didn't like showing them I had a vulnerable side. Most part of me was vulnerable, and that was probably why I always felt the need of being harsh to other people. Especially to the ones who didn't deserve it. So, even though I hated apologizing, I forced myself into doing it for Angela.
I looked up at her when I heard no answer, and my eyes widened slightly in panic when I saw her eyes were swimming in tears. Oh no. I didn't expect her to cry over this. I looked away from her, not knowing how to deal with that.
"I'm sorry" She sniffed "I just-" She sobbed, and I saw out of the corner of my eyes how she covered her face with her hands "I practically raised you, Jack. So it means a lot hearing this, that's all"
I gulped. I had never thought of our relationship that way. She was telling the truth, but I never stopped to think about the fact that Angela had indeed raised me in the best way she could. I felt even shittier after recognizing that.
"I'm sorry" I mumbled.
"It's okay" She reached out for my hand over the table. My body tensed up at her touch, but I kept my hand where it was "I'm glad you're back"
I nodded, urging the tears that were starting to appear in my eyes to dry.
I was glad I was back too. Not to my father's house. But to myself. And to the people who cared.
*
From Jeo❤️:
mr. hatch threw a tantrum today bc harry didnt stop talking lol
Jeo wanted to call me, but I told him no, so we settled for messaging each other. I didn't want to talk to him aloud while I was in my father's house. I kept glancing at the clock over my nightstand, knowing he'd get home from work at any second. Every muscle of my body was tense, and it was hard concentrating on my conversation with Jeo.
From Jeo❤️:
u there?
To Jeo❤️:
Yes, sorry.
I zoned out.
Jeo typed and erased his message a couple of times.
To Jeo❤️:
Can we talk later?
I'll call you when I leave my father's house to go meet Kaden tomorrow morning.
From Jeo❤️:
ofc
call me if you need anything
ANYTHING
To Jeo❤️:
Will do, and the same goes to you.
Goodnight, Jeo❤️
From Jeo❤️:
goodnight jack💚
I went over to my window and opened it after grabbing my package of cigarettes from the jacket over my bed. I pulled one cigar from it and lit it up, smoking as I waited for my father to come to his house. This was my fifth cigarette since I came upstairs after talking to Angela.
My door being abruptly opened pulled my attention from the street to my father's figure standing in the doorway. The sudden sound startled me, making me drop the end of my cigar out the window.
I hated seeing him after all those months. There were probably more emotions there, but I was going to stick to hate. My father was one of those topics that, the more you dig, more shit you'll find. And I didn't know if I could handle that.
"You'll be accompanying me to a meeting after lunch tomorrow" He warned me "Try not to be a disappointment like you always are"
Without saying another word, he closed my door shut, leaving me alone.
I casted my eyes down, seeing my cigarette fallen on the lawn of the backyard. I stared at it for a moment before standing up and going over to one of my unpacked bags, taking from there the razor blade that I had brought with me.
***
Kaden was five minutes late.
He was never late.
I smoked, wondering if my cousin had stood me up. My impatience was partially my fault. I had gotten here thirty minutes earlier just so I could get out of the house to call Jeovanni. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pay attention to a word he said. I was just out of it.
My eyes caught sight of a familiar car parking across the street, and I dropped my cigarette on the ground, feeling my heart speed up.
I had grown up with my cousin, but, just as the same time I started being rude to Angela, I started being rude to everyone, and I knew our relationship had gotten restrained because of that.
He didn't like who I was. He stuck around because of childhood memories and because we're cousins. But once I outted his boyfriend, childhood and being related wasn't enough for him to put up with my bullshit anymore.
"Hey" He nodded his head in acknowledgment when he approached me, his expression a serious one that told me he'd rather be anywhere but here.
"Hi" I nodded back, not knowing how to act around him.
We stared at each other for a few seconds before he wordlessly walked into the shop, and I had no choice but to follow him inside. We got in a line that led to the register, and I guessed we had to order and pay before taking our food at the counter next to it.
"It's on me" I told him when he was the next one in line.
"I don't want anything from you" He cut me off without sparing me a glance.
I nodded, even though he wasn't looking at me. We paid and chose a table outside after taking our food, sitting across from each other. I ordered just a black coffee. I wasn't hungry. Meanwhile, Kaden ate his croissant in silence, avoiding eye contact with me.
I didn't know how to start talking to him, but I had to do something, because I knew I wasn't going to get another chance.
"We need to talk about last year" I started.
That caused him to finally look at me.
"What's left to say?" He questioned "You spent the whole year spitting insults, beating up gay people, outing my boyfriend, and you even came as far as saying gay people should kill themselves. So, really, Jack, is there anything left to say?"
I tugged on my sleeves.
"I..." I cleared my throat, trying to buy myself some time to find a reply, but Kaden was right. What could I possibly say?
"You what?" He asked impatiently.
I clenched my jaw and casted my eyes down at the table, focusing on a stain of mustard close to Kaden's plate.
He scoffed after a minute of silence.
"If this is all, I'm leav-"
"Stop it" I looked up at him with a scowl.
I wasn't mad at my cousin. I was mad because I wanted to press pause on this moment. I had a lot of time to think about what I was going to tell him, but, sitting right in front of him, I froze. I wanted to be able to focus on that stain, and that remnant of mustard would be my only concern, but I couldn't run away from Kaden's presence and that was leaving me panicked.
"You're fucking unbelievable" He shook his head.
"I'm sorry, alright?" I snapped "I'm fucking sorry. Since the day I found out Ethan was your boyfriend, I was sorry-"
"Don't you get it?" He interrupted me, his tone matching mine "It shouldn't matter if he was my boyfriend or not. You didn't do this to only him. You're a homophobic, violent, ignorant jerk-"
"Shut up!" I felt tears spring from my eyes, making me look away from him.
I didn't use to cry like this. I didn't understand why sadness was constantly taking over me instead of my usual rage.
"Are you crying?" The angriness left his voice, which now only carried confusion.
"No." I quickly rubbed my eyes to dry my tears "I'm just trying to say that I'm sorry. For all of it. You don't have to forgive me. But I'm sorry"
We fell into silence, and I saw out of the corner of my eyes how Kaden was still weirded out by my sudden reaction. He was still looking at me with that sense of disbelief.
"It wasn't personal" I added.
None of that was personal. It wasn't an attack to other people. It was an attack to myself. Like I confessed to Jeovanni months ago, those people were just pawns of a game I was playing on my own.
"Why did you do it, then?"
I brought my gaze back to him. Under the table, I dug my fingernails into the recent wound on my wrist, trying to keep a blank expression before the pain that this action caused me.
"Because it wasn't enough doing it to myself"
His look of disbelief dropped.
"What."
"I'm gay" I said like ripping off a band-aid.
Kaden only looked at me for a while, and every second that passed by, my nails dug deeper.
"Are you joking?" He raised his eyebrows.
I shook my head. Again, there was silence between us. A silence that was abruptly interrupted when Kaden started laughing as if I had told him the joke of the year, shaking his head at me.
"You fucking hypocrite" He mused, and it was clear how his anger was back "You like dudes and you kept giving hell to the guys who were the same?"
I clenched my jaw.
"I understand the whole internalized homophobia thing, Jack, I really do" He continued, his laugh gone, leaving space for only the anger to remain "Ethan was struggling with that when I first met him. But he never treated anyone like shit. It's not because you're gay that it makes all of this better"
"I know that" I said through gritted teeth "I didn't say it as an excuse"
"Good" He retorted with a pointed look "Because it's not"
Rationally, I didn't expect my cousin to forgive me. Yet, that didn't stop me from feeling disappointed. What I did as beyond bad. I had messed with someone he loved, and he'd hold an eternal grudge for it. I understood. I really did. But it still made me wanted to go back to my father's house. Back to my razor blade.
"Do you still feel bad?" His question snapped me out of my thoughts.
"What?" I realized he was glancing away from me.
"About being gay" He clarified "Do you still feel bad?"
My mind travelled to Jeovanni.
"I feel better"
He nodded slowly.
"If you ever need help, come to me" He surprised me by saying.
I didn't know what to reply, so I stayed quiet.
"I'm mad at you" He stated, bringing his gaze back to me "I understand that you feel bad, but I'm mad. I can't forgive you right now. But, that doesn't mean I want to see you suffer. So, if you ever need help, you can come to me"
His words were like daggers in my stomach. I didn't know how much I craved for forgiveness until I was denied it.
"Okay" I muttered "Um, thanks for meeting with me"
"It's fine" He sighed, taking his unfinished croissant and standing up "I'll see you around, Jack"
I looked down at my lap once he was gone, realizing my fingernails never left my arm. I rolled my sleeve upwards slightly to see I had started bleeding again.
Sighing, I stood up as well and went back to my father's house, knowing I'd make myself bleed more the second I got there.
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