Michael didn't know when he fell asleep, amid the chaos and questions, the unsubtle invasion of Alex's home as his siblings argued, Liz and Kyle debated and Maria tried to make soup. He thinks it might have been somewhere between Max brooding in the doorway, talking about moving him to another location and Kyle talking about how his core temp was lower than usual.
With the turmoil and anxiety in the house, the churning worry he could feel from Alex, Michael thought he really should be on edge right now, not drifting off. But the bed smelled of Alex, lime shampoo and cedar and he knew he was safe. If anything he was anxious about breaking something in the house that Alex had made his own, something that to Michael made it a sacred space.
And it might be unfair, unkind, deeply distrustful and mean, but he really doubted that Alex would want Michael in his house. He's never been invited. It's Alex's territory. Only entered once and that was because Alex was missing. Now he's on the bed, bundled up so he's warm and no one argues because its so matter of fact, so decided that Michael belongs there.
Out of all the people here, he truly understood what this place meant to Alex. For it was one way their fragmented pieces aligned.
He would have liked to have had this longed for experience, be a little closer to his fantasies involving this bedroom he'd had in Colorado....without the core of their complex family jostling for space in Alex's house and without the embarrassing drama featuring himself.
...And Alex would be in or on the bed with him, not hovering in the doorway, or lurking in his own living room with that tight stressed look.
He felt ridiculous lying here, as limp as a grease rag. Not really contributing anything once the big questions and obvious medical tests were out of the way. He had blood taken, his temperature checked, his blood pressure...nothing was reading normal.
Alex came over once, beautiful in his soft woolen sweater. The expression in his dark eyes was very similar to that day at the junkyard when he asked to know who and what Michael is. When the words 'I want to know who you are Guerin." passed into the air between them, fundamentally changing everything. His eyes ever so slightly reddened, irises pools of dark chocolate, vulnerable and hopeful and...troubled.
Michael wants to kiss Alex really badly, to kiss away all that's hurting him, wants to just tug him down onto this nice orange blanket Alex tucked around him, Alex's weight grounding him. But he's the reason Alex is like this. Wants the world to just go away, to forget about alien devices, Flint and whatever sick plan the fucker had, that said fucker is too far gone to tell anyone about. But he can't because Alex is worried about him and his house is filled to the brim with the Pod Squad, who are currently trying to work out if Michael is dying again or not.
He wants to ask him desperately how he feels about 'I have an alien bond with you, yeah totally alien, 100% telepathic, how do you feel about it really?' Because Alex seemed okay with it, but surely this warrants a bigger conversation. And what now? Alex wants to date him, wants a relationship with him which is cloud-nine territory...but...
Michael isn't sure about this, what it means. What if this bond is...affecting Alex's thinking, his choices? What if what Michael wants is bleeding over the bond, manipulating Alex?
He wants to panic over that rather than potentially dying, because this a entirely new...he doesn't even know what the word is. Chapter, era, they all make it sound like this was planned, as inevitable as riding a river and eventually finding the ocean and it wasn't. Experience seemed lame. Crisis just made it sound bad. Maybe he thought staring Alex's ceiling, it was more of a 'entirely new territory, we going to have figure out." And damn if that didn't sound like Alex.
When exactly did Alex start considering them trying again? Did it pre-date the barn or not?
Maybe for an Oasian this is like marriage. Normal. Maybe making a bond with a non-triad member is a taboo. He has no idea. Is it giving Alex bad dreams or headaches or creeping him out? Does it affect him at all beyond flashes of Michael's feelings?
Which can't be okay. Michael doesn't have the best emotional regulation. He feels things too much. Everything is vivid to him, from texture to emotions. His experience of the world as Izzy once told him is off the charts. Vibrations can form pictures if he concentrates, sounds are tunes to him, his head is chaos more often than its not. Who wants a front row seat to that?
Suddenly, from feeling vast for last however long he's been here, this bedroom feels too small. He clamps down on it, because right now he's not a hundred percent sure of his ability to block distress from Alex or his siblings.
Michael feels worse than he ever has before, not sick because they didn't get sick as aliens...but worn out. Not for the first time either. He'd had burnouts before. After high school and the murders. Maybe three or four times over the last thirteen years, where he'd reached the end of his rope, his body too exhausted to move, his depression too bad to overcome easily.
But nothing had really happened to cause this kind of burn out. Okay, there was the barn torture and the alien device. Look at him, being self-aware that torture is traumatic. Score one for him! He thought sarcastically. But...that was weeks ago and this was a sudden crash of his system. Max was trying to ask if he had overused his powers, but Michael had never really had that problem. Not using them at all, was the headache creator, not overdoing it.
"Are you sure?" Max demands
Usually Michael would be pissed off and the entire house is watching him now, from Alex to Liz. He can feel it and its eerie. Instead he was just irritable. "Yeah. I spent the whole time I was in Colorado mentally bench lifting eighteen wheelers and cargo ships. I wasn't like doing manual labor or anything."
Max is no doubt glaring but Michael doesn't stop staring at the ceiling. "Well something happened."
The barn and the unknown alien device looms large. He's kind in that he doesn't point it out. "No shit Deputy Sheriff."
Its not like they actually know what the heck it was. And the buyers disappeared. Alex scoured Flint's computers, bank records, the entire paper and digital trail, leading him nowhere. Potentially an overseas buyer or the mystical Deep Sky. It either survived Caulfield which Michael doubted or someone else had it and they passed it to Flint.
Flint talked about seeing the footage of its killing an Oasian, so it was in Caulfield.
...Which Kyle naturally points out in the living room. He's pissed at Michael apparently.
They mostly leave him be after that, decamping to living room properly to strategize or something.
This spot right here in Alex's double bed, head tilted so he could see the doorway, his body going heavy with days of poor sleep...it was a lost cause. Between one blink and the next, he fell into the darkness.
Not that this particular episode was any calmer. Nightmares of the barn, of the group homes, an ugly blend of different traumas, some he hadn't thought of in years.
...He couldn't breathe properly. The cold wind tore at him, slipping through his thin flannel shirt like a knife through butter. The night was grey, hazy with frost in the air, the desert submerged into the winter white. His teeth were chattering, his right hand cramped with the cold - but oh getting warm again, that was going to be agony - but Michael pushed on, boots sliding on the snow and sand. Ice clung to his lashes, needles in his chest as he staggered forward. Where was he? Where was his truck? Had he broken down out here? The questions were as mournful and lonely as the land, as Michael stumbled over hidden rocks. There. Confused as he might be, he recognized where he was. Not far from the caves that concealed their pods. He could make there. Buoyed he pushed on, wrapping his arms tightly over his chest, hand so painfully stiff now, following memory more than landmarks in this world of white.
He crashed into the rockface as he got closer, telekinesis pulling the boards off the entrance. He couldn't feel his hands or face at all, breaths ragged, steaming in the air. Inside was no warmer, but the dark was safer. He staggered and stumbled as graceful as newborn foal, lured now by the light of the pods, his last true connection to a home he might never see. His boots carried his weary aching body over to the pod he knew was his own and his body folded down into a crumpled heap.
...Fists. Cold. So cold here and he was alone. Where is here? No sound echoed, no voices, not even the wind, the sounds of the desert. Nothing. He drowned in his own chaos, the storms of too many emotions, too many thoughts, resonance, vibration, colors...a deluge of sensory inputs.
...Dingy places, the smell of neglect and filth. Trash piled up, wallpaper peeling and the stench of rot. Fetid beer, vomit stains and cigarette smoke. Dusty floors more of the desert outside than a place to escape it. Scorpions walk on by. Snakes under the house. That was rural, urban was no better, only louder. Shouts. Gunshots. Oppressive heat making tempers shorter than usual. The wind howls across the valley. He wants to howl with it.
...Running...keep running, gotta keep running....
...Walking in the desert, the sun beating down on him, the stretch of sand and dry soil over loose shale. The wind lifted and he knew that the valley he was in was too deep, the sandstone walls surrounding him too high. Scrabbling over the rocks he found a shelter of overhanging stone and dove below it as the sand storm ripped through....
...The stars were spinning above, his head hurts, his face hurts. Wonders if Max and Izzy miss him?
...The screaming was loud. The thuds louder. A hand hauls him in, so close to escape! The pain hit after a moment, a stop gap like a IOU, that interlude between the hit connecting and the body reacting. Faces he knows and never wants to see again swim around him. Contempt and hate or bland indifference in their faces. Worthless. Useless. A burden. A piece of trash. Mother was probably a drug addict. We'll keep him for a few weeks...
...Glass smashes as he falls, carpet making a muffled thump as he's kicked down...
No. Please. No.
Flint's face, his ugly sneer nothing like Alex. How do people confuse them? They're electrocuting him again. His body arcs as electricity ripped through his body, singeing his nerves. Hah! He's got nothing on the group home in Santa Fe! They could teach him a thing or two. Memory overlaps. Handcuffed to the bed, muscle relaxants never work on him...
...Holding him down. Always him holding down. No. He fought as rabid as he felt, body twisting. His own fist lashes out, connects with bone. Good. He hopes it hurts. He wrenches his ankle free, doesn't care that bones grind, punches his elbow up connects with flesh again. No. He wasn't going down easy. They weren't shoving him back in there! He wasn't going to be...they could break his bones but they wouldn't get him down!
...Power held him and he snarled, taking those invisible chains and making them his own. He redirected the power by instinct so they had to let go or fear an overload themselves. Their minds weren't strong enough to stop him. The hands fall away and he jackknifes off the bed, back slamming against the wall, panic flooding his system. The world is blurry. His hands are up, warding away, threatening.
Don't touch me! Its a silent shout, but it reverberates inside the minds of everyone nearby. His fear, his defiance.
I won't. I won't let you! Don't touch me!
It was gonna be bad. They were going to hurt him, he couldn't take much more and he needed to get away. Flight or fight was pouring whatever alternative his species has for adrenaline into his barely responsive body.
His panic is so strong, they feel it too. The need for escape flooding his system...but hi s heart is too fast, he can't breathe and he can't get away. The energy tells him there are lives in front of him blocking the way, the colors so bright it hurts his head even more. His body feels weak and obeys none of his commands, his need to get away before...before they...Then he falls hard landing on his knees, like his strings were cut and the pain was real.
Darkness was as it always is.. bliss.
He woke briefly and it was no longer dark, to Alex's worried face. His beautiful eyes were wide and he was crying.
Michael tried to move, to comfort him, to ask what was wrong, but his body won't obey him. His skin felt burned, scoured by desert sands and his throat was raw. He could taste blood but Alex seemed okay. Maybe they got out after all? He hopes Flint is dead. So he smiles and Alex's eyes widen even more. Alex's lips part and he says something, but Michael only smiles and slips back under.
This time he doesn't dream. He ends up somewhere else.
Michael wasn't dreaming this time, just....floating in the chaos that was his head on the average day, in the liminal space that's neither awake nor dreaming. He wasn't sure if humans could do this, but sometimes when he was exhausted enough his brain just shut off for the deepest sleep and sometimes like now, he lingered in this state.
The closest he had ever come to a parable is lucid dreaming. He's 'asleep' but his mind is active, aware that his body 'resting' and this reality he's in is a constructed state. But he's not dreaming at the same time. He supposes its vaguely like a mindscape and he can acutely feel all of his mental connections, like scaffolding chains veering off to connect to Izzy, Max.. and now Alex.
There are more chains than he wants to admit, most of them leading nowhere. Broken connections, left dangling on the floor. Were they links to the people in Caulfield? One of these, though he can't, to his frustration work out which one, must have linked him to his mother.
In this state he sorts out his chaos, as well as someone can. He isn't particularly emotional in this state. Everything feels far away and what might upset him in the waking world doesn't shake him here. He compartmentalizes, strengthens his shields by habit, hides his secrets and locks away some of his worst traumas. Not very restful.
When he wakes he'll be grumpy and tired, as if he never bothered to go to sleep. He'll be starving too, as if he hasn't bothered to eat for days, but mentally his head will be clearer and often he can figure out difficult mechanical or mathematical problems afterwards. Its not meditation and yet there are some similarities. It doesn't last either and he can't will himself into this state.
When Max died on top of his mother and Caulfield, the giant mess that was him and Alex...doing this became a regular feature.
When Max came back and his anchoring mental connections were back, this process was less...vital. Its been weeks since he's been back in this state.
Right now, he's realizing that the energy signatures are wrong and he has these...weird hooks attached to his...whatever the hell you call it, telepathic mainframe. Why hooks? They're basically broken off, fragmented pieces of whatever that system was using to get into his head. The worst part is that he doesn't how to get rid of them.
His links to his siblings are pretty much the same, when he touches them briefly he can feel an awareness of Max and then Izzy. The other chains never resonate back to him, silent as ever. The new one is different. Unlike all the others, this one leading to Alex takes a tiny amount of energy and connects to him in multiple ways. This makes sense. He can feel Alex's emotions, hear his thoughts and could using this, find him anywhere.
If he touches the link to Alex, he can feel distant emotions and sensations. Worry, achy pain, hunger that's being ignored, distress and hope. The longer he focuses the more he can hear the echo of thoughts not his own. Alex's mind is not like his. Go figure, he's an alien. But Alex has stray thoughts in word form which Michael does not. Alex actually thinks about pros and cons. Michael does not. He maps out a problem and assimilates data almost on autopilot, before deciding, which is not how Alex operates. Its a terrifying and really cool looking at the differences.
He thinks this is why he's not open to suggestion, the way Isobel was with Noah. Its not just his chaos as Izzy believes, its because any entry into his mind, any disturbance is instantly noticeable. You can't suggest things to him like that. His mental map process rebels or just absorbs the data.
Of course really connecting to the link, does the opposite. He ends up with a one-time mega download of thoughts, images and feelings.
Its enough to drown him and for a while Michael is completely lost in Alex.
Alex feels...worried. Afraid. Desperate for answers.
Michael can't fix that because he doesn't know what's going on, but tries to send back a feeling of reassurance. A little brush of "It will be okay." He's terrified of emotionally manipulating Alex, something he's only too aware that he can do. Power he never wanted is in his hands, the potential damage he can do is vast.
He's not ready for this.
He's the worst possible person for this.
He also swears that he will never do that to Alex. Unless Alex wants it broken, they are bonded. So, he has to be extremely careful. He needs to understand this bond so he can protect Alex from the alien he's shackled him to. Michael is not gonna be another Noah.
Hundreds of images settle in his brain in a box called 'Alex', none of them linear. Its not the sum if Alex's life by a long shot, just pieces that have made their way to Michael. Awful moments as a kid with Jesse Manes, his true grief over losing his mother, not to death but its still loss. Bright beloved memories spanning childhood and recent years, of Kyle, Liz and Maria, their laughter, their friendship. Horrific days of war, bored hours, long stretches of unfamiliar desert, taking command ....waking up in hospital minus his leg. Promising himself if he lives, he'll find Michael Guerin. His name is like a key. It opens over a hundred memories, countless images of himself.
Its in this maelstrom of knowledge, that he learns the truth for himself.
Alex really loves him.
Not a little bit. Not just enough for then to have a future. Not even a decent amount. Alex's love is...massive. He loves...Irrationally, completely and madly. Michael occupies central space in his heart and he is always thinking about Michael.
Michael has wondered, hoped, been confused and in his heartbreak more than once, he's downplayed how Alex feels about him. There is no way to do that now.
Alex's love is...pure.
Its unconditional, which is the bigger surprise and vast. Alex loves or he doesn't. He's highly empathic, driven and sensitive, all things that Michael kinda knew...but feeling it? That's a whole other world of discovery. That's like going from knowing there are planets out there and then going on a lunar mission and landing on the frickin' moon.
The past is littered with hurts, shame, anger and the wreckage they made out of each other. In the present? This man who hasn't seen Michael in weeks? Michael is there constantly. This love is like a lake, impossibly deep and with a thriving ecosystem of life. Its fed by underground memories and intense feelings, nourished by rainfall. When he doesn't see Michael, its serene, calm and beautiful. It doesn't disappear or diminish, not in ten years or or through distance or thanks to that painful past. When he does see Michael, all that love overflows, flooding his heart.
Michael in his eyes is beautiful.
Not just his looks either, his heart and his soul. All the men in his life, from friends, to his brothers, to fellow soldiers are compared to him, ranked against Michael. He's not on a pedestal thank God though. Alex knows his faults, his flaws. But Alex sees Michael as good, strong. Someone who has survived trauma but not used it as an excuse to hurt others. Someone devoted to his family, willing to change for himself and for others, forced to live in secret. He knows that Michael doesn't advertise, sees his indifference as a facade. He admires Michael, his intelligence, his kindness, his self-reliance, his tenacity. He respects his issues, doesn't think of him as over-emotional. He's been kicked down but Michael always gets back up and when he does, he's stronger.
Michael is not perfect. He's as flawed as everyone else. To Alex, he's everything.
Not at first. This is a gradual transition from rediscovering his love for Michael, to loving him for always. Loving Michael has become who Alex is, the ground only stable where Michael is.
He can't believe it, doesn't know how to handle discovering that what he's always really wanted, is not only true but unconditional. Alex loves him, in a very forever kind of way.
Alex never really stops thinking about Michael. When he's focused, he doesn't think about him at all. The rest of the time, Alex's mind always wanders to him, like he really can't help himself. He wonders what he's doing in an almost dreamy way. He has pictures of Michael on his phone, nothing sexy either. Just snaps of Michael; ones of him laughing, smiling in the sun, his most sarcastic expression aimed at Kyle, in the diner drawing on a napkin. Alex looks at them when he's feeling low.
When he needs reminding of a reason to keep going, Michael knows and it kicks him hard.
And this is...beyond what Michael imagined. He thought Alex might think about him like now and again. He might cross Alex's mind like once a month if he was lucky. They text and call but a lot of that is recent....he can go weeks without hearing from him, nearly - if you discount the rare vid call - an entire year without seeing him. Michael...he's spent years wondering how much he means to Alex really, if anything at all.
And the answer is far, far bigger than he was expecting.
Alex misses him all the time, when he doesn't see him. If he discovers something good or bad he thinks of Michael to tell first. Not Liz or Kyle or Maria. Him. Alex ignores calls and texts all the time and never when its Michael.
Alex gets himself off in the morning thinking about him. He often has sex with Forrest thinking about Michael, pretending its him. He thinks about Michael when he's grocery shopping, wondering if he'd like this or that. Accusing himself of being pathetic when he buys shit he knows Michael likes, because Michael likes it. Hoping, always hoping.
He lies freely about those things. He researches the quality of acetone and buys the pure one they sell in brown glass bottles, stores it in his house as a 'just in case'. He thinks of Michael when he hears a new song. He thinks of Michael when he chooses clothes, wondering what Michael would think, separates his closet into 'things he knows Michael likes' - based on appraising glances or the odd rare, treasured comment - and 'unknown'. Alex hopes he's going to see Michael every day and hopes he won't at the same time because they're not together.
He also worries a lot.
He worries when its cold, if Michael is okay. He worries when its hot, with Michael working in the sun. He worries about Michael spending too long in his bunker isolating himself. He worries about Michael's mental health, if he's okay. Alex lives with the fear of discovery, of losing Michael to the government, to death.
And that was before Flint.
Its sobering and devastating to learn that Michael was mostly right about what Flint's crimes had done to Alex. He just couldn't have understood the totality of the effect.
Or the echo, inevitable and doubly cruel, of the Shed.
Of all the bad days he's lived, all the horrific things he's seen, endured and tried to prevent, the Shed is still considered Alex's worst day on Earth. And its not like Michael ever tried to downplay the trauma of it. Jesse Manes threatened and tried to kill his own son, strangling him. That day spelled the end of Alex's dreams of a music career. That day sealed Alex's fate, ignited a new war within him. His homophobic father's control and bullying versus his own wants and needs. That day condemned Alex to all the bad days that followed.
What Michael hadn't really factored in, was that Alex watched his own father - heard it, was splattered in Michael's blood - shatter Michael's hand. Alex insanely believes that he and he alone is at fault. He was the reason Michael got hurt. And that's why it's his worst day alive.
Alex struggles to forgive himself and its madness because he was a kid. He never picked up that hammer, cringes at the sight of one. Jesse Manes' crimes are not his, not to bear, not to be hurt by just because they share some genetics. Alex was innocent. He was a good kid who just tried to give Michael a roof over his head and Michael has always loved him for it. But Alex struggles with it. Intellectually he's finally...sort of accepted it. That it wasn't his fault. Emotionally, no.
That was the defining reason for all their problems really. Yes, Alex's shame was a big part of it, the massive number of secrets Michael was keeping and their really poor communication skills and all their other issues...but when push came to shove, Alex could not, would not risk Michael.
Today, he's decided that he can protect Michael and being an alien, Michael can protect himself. But its the knowing that he can defend Michael that's really made the difference in this journey of self-love Alex's been made to go on, thanks to Jesse Manes's hate. Its realizing that Noah was the reason ultimately why Michael stayed, not that he knew it at the time. Michael was staying for Izzy, more than his hand. His spiral before Alex left wasn't about his hand, it was about Rosa, covering up murders and self-hate. Its been learning that Michael's problems are complicated, alien in a lot of ways, a result of trauma in others. None of them are Alex's fault. And Michael has never blamed Alex for any of it. Not for his Mom's death, his family's cruel legacy, for his hand, even for leaving him.
Alex won't accept that, but Michael can work on that.
Last year, Alex left Roswell after burying Jesse Manes for many reasons. Important ones and for a crusade against said father and Project Shepard. But being used as bait, targeted because Michael would come for him? That broke Alex in ways Michael wished he didn't understand.
Flint doing the same thing again, only without physically hurting Alex in any way...?
Fear and panic was all Alex knew when Liz told Michael was missing, blood on the ground. In finding Michael, Alex was forced to reconcile the fact that his brother was deranged, that he had been used as the bait again and had to face Michael's mortality, all at the same time.
There was no sugar coating it. Michael once again died. He died on that barn floor and was resuscitated by the alien device thing shocking him. He died again on Max's couch post energy purge, only to be brought back by a frantic Max.
Alex had a front seat to the entire thing.
He kept his head because Michael needed him, he kept his calm through training. He stayed with Michael until he knew Michael was safe, counting every breath with single-minded focus, Michael's hand in his, not caring who saw. It was Liz who convinced him to go home eventually, Michael sleeping without any sign of distress. Alex made her promise to call him, before going to home to change. He broke a mug by accident in his kitchen and shattered with it. He sobbed on the floor of his kitchen alone, because Michael had died.
In Alex's mind he'd lost him to the Manes family, his worst fear realized and Michael died in his arms, then again right in front of him. Just stopped breathing like so many soldiers and civilians overseas, his body rigid with seizures until he went limp, heart stalling.
Pity the damn bond hadn't been more useful and let him know Alex was hurting then! He could have limped his way over to this house to comfort him!
Michael was okay after a few days of rest, Alex was not.
Michael dying plagued his nights and tormented him even in the day, with constant anxiety. The anguish of losing Michael even temporarily had not just faded and he resented that everyone else seemed fine with it. Michael was alive, so there was no problem. For Alex, it was perpetuating grief and worry.
Then Salma. He was jealous in the bar, only going with Forrest as it turns out because he was curious about the literary group Forrest was with. Michael couldn't help wanting to know how Alex took him leaving.
The answer was, badly.
He went to the garden thing hoping Michael hadn't brought Salma and spent an hour subtly looking for him. Izzy announced it with that faux pleasant tone tinged with acid, "Oh my brother, he's not coming. He's bailed to Colorado with his ex-girlfriend."
Michael was gonna crown her for that description!
Alex felt...floored, then gutted not helped when Forrest said amicably, "Well she's beautiful. I can see why he went back to her. She looked...passionate."
Izzy didn't take that well and neither did Alex. The vitriol with which he repeated 'passionate' could have be used as bleach. And the hurt was a massive bleeding wound, Alex carried around with him all day.
That despair he had felt on horseback, that first day on Dominic's ranch...that had been Alex's reaction to learning he was in Colorado and Max wasn't sure if or when he was coming back. Izzy had been angry, but Max had been depressed. The device really had done a number on his siblings, he decided. Liz was confused and a little shocked, Maria was floored.
Of course, later at a table over lunch with Max, Liz and Kyle, Izzy recounted her version of the tragic rodeo event, when asked innocently by Liz why they didn't like Salma. The version where Salma used Michael, tried to get him killed after cheating on him with the shooter guy, left him to die in the arena and bailed off to Texas. Claimed, that Salma always had Michael's number, played him and hurt him.
Alex's response was horrified and his answer was to research Salma. Convinced she was a serial killer, as Michael feared. He found out a scary amount of information fairly quickly. Where she was born, her finances, her marriage to Davies, the number of domestic abuse calls, speeding tickets in her name, everything. He tracked Michael's phone to Mia's house and was about five minutes from driving to Colorado when Michael's phone moved from Pueblo to the ranch.
Michael's call he wasn't expecting, but he was so relieved when Michael explained his version. Then out of his mind with worry when Michael admitted he wasn't okay.
Because Alex had been terrified that Michael wasn't coming back. That he'd found a new life, someone else and had no intention of returning. That was the cause of the depression, the despair Michael had felt. The fact that he didn't say goodbye hurt, but Alex felt it was deserved. After all, he never said goodbye when he left.
Every picture or video of him as a cowboy had Alex's pulse racing. He had so many fantasies of going down on Michael in those chaps.
Michael was so gonna use that info!
He loved every call, his heart fluttered every time he answered, he spent his entire day waiting for his phone to flash up Michael's name. Everyone on the base thought he had a hot date, which made Alex laugh because when he did have that hot date, no one noticed anything different. He worried constantly but loved seeing Michael in this different light, out in the country in the dusk. Loved that he was enjoying himself after so much hardship, a working vacation with horses and cutting fire breaks.
Still, he was afraid Michael was tempted to stay.
Nothing was allowed to interfere with his seven pm slot when Michael called. Not Forrest or any of his friends. Seven was sacred, it was a difficult time - before dinner and well after work, a time when Forrest kinda expected to see Alex, when Liz or Maria, or his base friends wanted to go out for a drink. But Alex wasn't interested. Michael was more important.
And that had never happened before with anyone, including Alex. Michael wasn't used to people putting of their plans, their daily routines for him. He definitely wasn't used to be people being excited that he was calling them!
When they disconnected, Alex felt a certain bitter-sweetness. He longed for Michael to come back, yearned for him to be his - and the reality of being alone, of having to wait for another call tomorrow...was hard.
Alex had decided that when Michael came back, they would talk. He'd find his courage and find out once and for all, if Michael was interested in him. Whether it broke their friendship or not.
The bond Michael learned, happened for Alex in a mixture of ways. His response was all Alex, but the odd flashes of emotion were often completely out of context.
Working at his desk thinking about drinks with Liz and then feeling this sharp stab of irritation. Laughing with Maria and Izzy in Crashdown one minute and then feeling morose the next. Only for a minute, but it was weird. Sitting in the shower washing his hair, thinking about nothing, then feeling uneasy. Standing in his bedroom getting his pajamas out of the drawer and then feeling this bolt of panic, starting his own paranoia off. Alex first thought it was his meds, his PTSD, something medical which Michael felt awful about. Then he noticed he was feeling melancholy during a call with Michael, when he was dreamily soaking in Michael's features...which made him question who was feeling what.
So he tried out an experiment. He sat alone on his couch in the middle of the day and really thought about Michael. He was rewarded when he felt his ankle twinging, that melancholy again and briefly feeling a cold wind brush over his back.
Experiment two was thinking about Michael in bed. The night Forrest left him dissatisfied - again - he thought of Michael. This time he was rewarded with the most intense fantasy of his life and swears he felt Michael, could smell the scent of rainfall.
Rather than freak out like most people, Alex was excited. Confused, but excited.
Then depressed because they weren't together and Michael might want to...probably won't want to keep this with Alex.
Alex was having weird dreams. When he thought too hard about Michael he began to feel things around him more. Whereas he'd usually be tired at the end of the day, post-Iraq. He wasn't. When he wanted to find Michael that morning, it was that tether leading him rather than the tracking app like Izzy thought. He knew were Michael was.
What Michael found surprising too, was that by him leaving Roswell, Alex reconsidered everything about his own life.
Michael had died. Temporarily yes, but the entire situation of Michael going missing, being tortured by Flint, mind-whammed by an alien device, then dying twice - was deeply traumatic. The hope and sparkle of 'one day' had a time limit on it, that wasn't set in stone. Then by leaving, Michael proved that he wasn't tied to Roswell any more.
That admired self-reliance and tenacity meant that Michael could and would make a life elsewhere, never needing anyone. He completely missed the fact that Michael had siblings, a job and Alex to come back to.
His commanding officer wanted to know his plans. Retirement or re-enlistment. Alex chose an honorable discharge, his service contract was up and he decided he wanted something new.
And then there was Forrest.
As it turned out, Alex considered them casual. And there were problems between them, that Michael didn't understand. Forrest was so chill, he made Alex second-guess himself, his every reaction was an overreaction in Forrest's estimate. He was constantly telling Alex that he needed to relax, that this or that wasn't important. Forrest couldn't understand Alex's reaction or his situation because Alex never discussed it. He tried to counsel Alex on his father, his brothers, his PTSD. He extolled the virtues of letting go.
He was a good guy, but Alex didn't feel they were compatible really. And it didn't help that he was comparing Forrest to Michael either. Michael would have assumed he would have fallen short in comparison in every category, but somehow Forrest did.
Alex feels safe when he's with Michael. Safe with his reactions, his emotions, his thoughts, his secrets. Michael sees him, faults, flaws and emo-reactions included and has never judged him for it. He calls him out on his shit, but never tells Alex to chill, never suggests he's being neurotic or cold, or too much.
It shouldn't make Michael this happy to learn Alex doesn't love Forrest. Cares for him yes, but not love.
But that's not all he learns. Alex was angry that night, during the fire in Colorado because he had discovered that Forrest had been lying to him. He worked for someone, maybe Deep Sky and Alex was furious.Alex has a protective streak maybe three miles wide and he felt he had endangered their family. And he was hurt. He felt used and Michael was pissed.
...But of course Forrest spun it that he was leaving and that Alex deserved better than to get involved in 'alien' stuff. Again suggesting that Alex was overreacting. A choice between Michael, the maybe option and Forrest who claimed to love Alex.
Until Michael called, putting the answer in stark relief.
Now there is so much going on. He's worried because Michael is apparently in a coma-like state in his bed. His tolerance for Michael's siblings and the clamor of trying to find answers is wearing thin, on no sleep, way too much caffeine and worry. They want to do tests and move him, Alex doesn't want that. Michael is safe in his bed, inside his home, where Alex can see him.
Which is a bit of shock because no one has ever been ready to fight to keep Michael in their home before. But then, Alex loves him. And when Alex decides he's doing something, he's in it for the long haul no matter what comes his way. He's decided he's begging this with Michael, so caring for him, protecting him is no longer just something Alex wants to do, its now like a sacred duty.
They've done most of the tests they can do and Liz is trying her best.
Michael sees a movie-like passage of time. Max comes and goes. Liz and Kyle rotate through Alex's house. Maria stays over and then she too goes. Isobel is constant and worried, her temper thinning in her fear she's going to lose another brother. Alex thinks about grocery shopping and going to the base but he's retired as it turns out! He has to pick up papers and Michael is besieged by anxiety over leaving Michael, a low-level thrum of fear and...then relief.
Presumably that Michael has neither been whisked away by Max and Kyle or died since he left him.
All this fear and anguish, caused by him. Michael wants to be out there, wants to soothe and promise Alex the world.
It does beg the question of how long Michael's been floating here, not-dreaming.
He's considering the energy problem again when he feels his shields being poked. Reflexively he tightens his hold.