| CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
| capable of being loved
ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀʀɪʟʟᴏ
The dinner table was eerily quiet. My dad had decided to keep it simple by making some pad Thai, not trusting us when we told him Nolan would eat anything. My sister was working on some project at her friend's house still, so I decided to let her. She'd only feed Nolan's anxiety anyway.
"What do you do in your free time?" my mom asked, trying to keep the conversation going to avoid some of the awkwardness.
"I like baking," he answered.
"He's a really good cook too," I said, looking at my dad who nodded with a surprised hum.
"That's good," my dad replied shortly after swallowing his last bite. "Oakley can't cook to safe his life."
Nolan stifled a laugh before taking another forkful of the rice noodles.
"And you're an actor?" my mom asked. I held my breath, wishing that she would stick to the rules.
Nolan nodded, swallowing his food. "Yeah. Always been."
"Always been? That's cool, isn't it?" my mom said, looking at me, her eyes slightly narrowed as though to ask me if this was still safe territory. I cashed her a small smile, letting her know that scraping the surface like this was fine.
"Yeah, but sometimes I feel like I've missed out on a ton."
My eyes turned back to Nolan next to me as I listened to him talk.
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Like, I didn't go to a proper school until I was sixteen."
When I looked at him, he was looking down at his plate, like he was avoiding me.
"But you finished high school?" my dad asked to confirm. Education had always been important to him. He never had doubts that my music career would take off, however, he said it was still important to be educated for personal growth and critical thinking.
"Yes, I graduated last year," Nolan said with a proud smile on his face. He didn't look as uncomfortable as he did earlier today. "It was a little difficult at first, but I caught on."
My dad nodded, looking at my mom who was now silently enjoying her dinner.
"Why did you go to high school?" my mom then asked, breaking the short yet awkward silence that had come over the dinner table. "Wasn't your future already set in stone? You've done this since you were a child."
"Yeah," Nolan said, once again glancing at me before answering my mom's question—except this time, his eyes didn't quite catch mine. His fingers curled into a loose fist and his face turned a shade warmer. "I think I had to figure out whether I really wanted to be an actor, or if I was just used to being one."
He looked down at his plate, swirling some of the noodles around in his bowl before taking a bite.
"And I suppose you managed to figure it out?" my mom asked, not seeing through his obvious lie.
"Yeah," Nolan answered with a forced smile.
The conversation—which was more like an interview—went on without me as I had Nolan's obvious yet logical lie in my head for the rest of the meal. When we were finished, Nolan offered to do the dishes, which both my parents adamantly refused, so I dragged him to my room as I let my parents whisper about us while taking care of the cleanup.
I wasted no time asking him about the lie from earlier, as I had to know the real reason now that the most logical explanation was clearly not it.
"Why did you go to high school?" I asked him.
He was perplexed when I asked him, his mouth hanging slightly open as he blinked.
"Don't tell me what you told my mom, because I know you. Your media training kicked in for that one."
"It's nothing," he mumbled, sitting down on my bed.
I sat down next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.
"Please tell me. I'm listening."
He sighed, lying down on my bed. I followed his example, laying right next to him as we watched the stars on my ceiling.
"Remember when I told you about that one friend who didn't want anyone to know we were friends?"
I nodded. He spoke of the situation once before, but never brought it up again. I'd figured he was more of a friend after we started dating, but I didn't want to bring it up unprompted.
"He was my first boyfriend, sort of," he said, a slight frown on his face as he brought up the memory.
"I thought so," I admitted. He went quiet again. "What happened between you?"
"Lots of things," he said. "It was like I was his little secret at first. I didn't mind it in the beginning, but at some point, I just wanted to be out to at least some friends or cast mates you know?"
"You did?"
He nodded and then turned to face me with a smile. "I used to be very confident."
"You still are," I told him, my smile matching his. "A bit conceited, even. But only when you're with me."
He rolled his eyes, and after a short moment of silence, he continued.
"He convinced me it wasn't a good idea, but I was really stubborn."
"As you still are," I whispered. He used his hand to cover my mouth.
"Let me finish my story," he said. I threw my hands up, and he let go of me, his smile not fading yet. "Anyway, he told me it wasn't a good idea for a few reasons. Like if word spread out, I'd be safe because of my parents, but he would be screwed and lose all his opportunities. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to take care of his family anymore."
"So what happened? You broke up?"
"Well, I tried to. Because I didn't want to hide anymore, you know. But he promised me a lot of things. Like, when he turned eighteen and he moved out, we could come out to a small circle. But a few months later on his birthday, he moved out, and nothing changed.
"As there were fewer and fewer excuses left, he kept planting these seeds in my head that he was the only person who cared about me. My dad left, my mom became more distant. My friends on set started talking to me less and less. He told me coming out would bring in creepy directors, and like a few months later, one of the execs started looking at me really weirdly. It was like everything in my life confirmed what he was saying.
"At some point, I felt like he was the only one I had left, but I still wanted to come out because I wanted to prove to everyone that someone was capable of loving me. He said we'd had to wait until I was sixteen because then I'd be legal."
"You dated this guy when you were fifteen?" I sat up, and he followed quickly after, his eyes fleeting over my room as he fiddled with the charm on his bracelet. "This guy was fucked up, Nolan. That's a fucking crime."
"I know. I know. But I thought it would be different since we were filming in Georgia, and my mom wanted to get me emancipated so I thought it'd be fine. It was only a three-year difference."
I pretended like there weren't a million things wrong with what he just said. I didn't want him to feel more alienated than he probably already did.
"Long story short, I got tired of waiting, so I broke up with him. I thought I was done with the industry, but since I wasn't working, my mom made me enroll in an actual high school. It changed my perspective and now I'm here."
"So from what I understand, he basically tore your confidence down piece by piece and isolated you from your family and friends by whispering these insecurities in your ear, so you felt forced to quit your job and your mom made you go to high school."
"I guess," he mumbled. "It sounds worse when you say it like that."
"That's because it is bad, Nolan. Do you even realize that, or did he make that seem normal too?"
He went quiet, looking down at his lap like a child that had just been scolded. My mind kept running in circles about what other insecurities this guy might've instilled in him. Or what Nolan might not have told me.
Did this guy ever hurt him? Did he make him do things he didn't want to? Was he the reason for his drug use?
"Did you ever see this guy again?"
He looked up at me with red eyes, and the anger that had built up inside me turned to worry as he nodded.
"I didn't let him get into my head," he promised me. "My friends showed me that people can care about me, no matter how much time or distance we're apart. And you showed me that I am capable of being loved."
I looked him in his eyes, and this time they stayed on mine the entire time.
"I do love you," I confirmed. "I'm so sorry for not having been able to say it sooner."
"It's fine. I understand." He smiled, taking my hand. "You said it when I needed to hear it most."
•••
The next day was a Saturday, which meant my father had left early to prepare the breakfast menu and my mom took her time to sleep in. I did text my sister earlier in the morning that Nolan stayed for dinner last night, to which she sent me a picture of her middle finger.
Nolan slept in a bit longer than usual. I assumed it was because of everything that went down yesterday. First the argument with his dad, then meeting my parents, and then our conversation after dinner. It must've drained a lot of his energy, so I let him sleep until late in the morning as I sat at my desk with my headphones on, working on the production of the song Hanna and I worked on yesterday morning.
I was listening to whether all the vowels in the harmonies matched up, my full attention on the vocals, until two arms wrapped around my shoulders. I smiled and turned around, facing my still tired-looking boyfriend before putting the headphones around my neck.
"Good morning, sleepy head."
"G'morning," he said, stretching his back as he let out a yawn. "Do you have to go anywhere today?" he asked.
"No. Just a call with my manager," I said. "You?"
"I think I want to talk to my dad later today, or maybe tomorrow."
"You do?" I removed my headphones from around my neck and placed them on my desk in front of me, looking back up at where Nolan was rubbing his eyes. "What are you gonna say?"
"I think I want him to explain himself. What he said was fucked up and I just don't understand what I did wrong for him to say that."
His initial vulnerability and gloominess had turned to confusion and anger overnight, which I understood. He shouldn't be sad about what his dad said. He should be angry. Hell, even I was angry.
"There's nothing you could've done that would justify what he told you."
He leaned against my desk, crossing his arms as he looked at me.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"I think we can talk to him today after your call. I don't want to burden your parents with feeding another mouth for the next few days, even though I'd love to stay here for that long."
"They wouldn't mind," I said, turning back to my computer and looking at the audio file. The song was turning out pretty good, but I didn't want to end up on a stage performing with Hanna at yet another award show.
Nolan looked over my shoulder.
"Hey, this is unreleased material," I said, opening something else over it. "I can't risk having leaks."
"I told you the entire plot of my movie. You'd survive letting me hear a snippet of your song," he said, leaning a bit further over my shoulder while he narrowed his eyes so much you could barely tell they were open at all. "'Date ideas'?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow.
I clicked it away as quickly as humanly possible, and he laughed at me. It was low and almost melodic the way his laughter sounded.
"Fine. A snippet," I said, skipping to the first chorus of the song. "It's about two people who love each other but can't tell the world in fear of shaking things up. Like a Romeo and Juliet type story, without the death."
"Wow, how queercoded of you."
"Queercoded?" Anything about sexuality was still a mystery to me.
"When it's queer in subtext, you know? The description you just gave would apply to many of not most queer people, including us."
"Aha," I said. "I haven't thought of it like that but you're right."
I let the song play on my speakers. As it played, I noticed it was not perfectly synched quite yet, but it probably wouldn't be big enough of an issue for Nolan to pick up on.
"It's good. I like it," he said, but the sentence felt open-ended.
"But?"
"This won't help getting rid of the rumors that you and her are dating again."
"I know," I admitted. "But I came up with an idea the other day. Since it's gonna be a single and it's supposed to be a pretty big deal, we're gonna need a music video. I thought of multiple little love stories weaving together. And as a way to make it very clear that Hanna and I are not together, we'd have different partners in the video."
There would always be some people who'd believe we're together as they did with any pairing of man and woman doing anything together, but the majority of people would understand.
Nolan hummed, walking over to my bed before sitting himself down. "One problem with that though."
I turned my chair around completely now and rested my hand on my knees. "And what's that?"
"You'd either be pushing yourself further in the closet, or you'd have to come out."
"Right."
I hadn't thought about who was gonna be my partner in the video yet. Even if I used a shadow people would overanalyze that just to figure out whether the silhouette was a man's or a woman's. It wouldn't work and make people question me more.
"I want you to do whatever feels best to you."
"I don't want to come out without you," I told him. "You're the entire reason I even know what being in love means. It would feel wrong."
"But I don't want you to push yourself into the closet even further."
I sighed, feeling completely defeated. I didn't want to pretend to be in love with some girl, not even for a music video. Come to think of it, I didn't want to pretend to be in love with anyone else at all. I wanted to come out with Nolan.
Coming out to our parents was a huge step, but I was starting to crave the indisputable attention our relationship would bring. I wanted the cheering and supportive fans, but I also wanted the weird looks and disapproval of those that didn't matter. I was proud to be with him and I wanted to show him off as he was the single most important thing in my life right now. And he deserved that kind of love after what he told me yesterday.
"I'll come up with another idea," I said. I had to be patient. I wanted to come out when he was ready.
Nolan only nodded at me, flashing me a smile. "I'm gonna go take a shower," he told me. "Can you bring me something fresh to wear?"
I went around my room, searching for clothes of his that I had stolen, considering he didn't fit in most of my own, and three then in his direction along with a towel and a spare toothbrush.
"We can go get breakfast at my dad's once you're done," I suggested. "He'd love to serve you."
"Sure," Nolan said, collecting the stuff I'd thrown at him and heading to my bathroom. I put my headphones back on and continued working on the song.
•••
"This works," Mason said with a grin, nodding as he listened to the song. "Yeah, this is exactly what they'd want."
"Yeah?"
He nodded in confirmation. "Now we just have to talk business. I want you to release the song before the summer because we want there to be an organic growth. It has to become something people will look back on ten years from now and still love."
"Okay," I said, nodding. "I was thinking of not overly marketing it. I know for my EP they cut out a snippet of the song and kept it playing everywhere on social media and all that. But I think we should tease some release, but not the entire hook of the song, you know?"
"Sounds good." He scribbled something down on his notepad. "What about festivals? If we schedule the song to be released around the end of next month, it'll be right in time for festival season."
"Do we have to play festivals?" I asked. Playing festivals was a lot of preparation I didn't want to do.
"Absolutely, if you want this song to last."
"Fine. I'll play two at most. And I'll only do one with an entire set."
"That should be enough. We'll have Hanna play some other festivals by herself. You can make a guest appearance on any of those. I'm suggesting you play your set at Sonarstice. It's still early in the festival season but people will still be excited and surprised if you show up at let's say... Xtravaganza in May."
Sonarstice was my favorite festival I'd ever managed to go to. It was a huge festival with big names but I'd only performed on there once when I was still upcoming.
"You want me to perform at Sonarstice?" I asked him, because only a year earlier did he say it wasn't my scene. He said I would fade in the background.
"Main stage, seventy-five minutes for a set?"
"Main stage?" My eyes widened. When I got to play before, it was one of the smaller stages in the back of the festival site. "What about Hanna, will she get main stage too?"
"Either she'll get a short set on the main stage, or she'll perform at one of the secondary stages. Her manager and I still have to discuss what's best."
I grinned, looking around the empty room. I wished Nolan was here to hear it, but he left to get some stuff to bake cookies. Maybe it was better this way regardless. I did have something to celebrate.
"Okay. I'll do it."
"You'll have to have a set list ready by Friday and at the end of the week we'll discuss the staging."
"I'll get it done, no problem."
"One last thing," he said, letting out a sigh. "Our last meeting didn't end on a good note."
In all honesty, not a single one of our meetings has lately. I didn't even remember what we would've argued about last time.
"What about it?"
"Maybe your friendship is not such a bad thing."
I smiled, remembering what he said about Nolan the last time. Had I changed Mason's mind?
"I saw the trailer of that movie he's starring in. He looks like he's trying to turn his life around."
"He has," I assured my manager. "He's been through some shit, like all of us."
He hummed and nodded slightly. "I'm glad you're starting to find your place. I think that regardless of what happens with Stellar, you'll manage to find it."
The message was warm and compassionate, something I'd never had coming from Mason Mellark before.
"Thanks, Mason. That means a lot to me."
"We'll speak next week." He hung up before I got to say bye, and I stared at the screen with a growing smile.
Sonarstice. I was going to perform there. An entire set on the main stage.
I grabbed my phone and ran downstairs immediately. "Mom?" I called out for her. She looked up from the couch. "I'm performing at Sonarstice," I told her. Her eyes widened as she got up.
"Really?" she asked, opening her arms as she stood in front of me. I nodded and pulled her into a hug, rocking my mother back and forth.
"Main stage."
"Main stage? That's a first!" She let go. "I'm so proud of you."
"I can't wait!" I told her. "I'm going to sing that new song with Hanna, and a few classics but reimagined, you know? I think two or three. And I want something unreleased too. I need to start working on the setlist, I'm calling the band to meet up soon."
I was already typing in a message on my phone to the group chat.
You:
Guys time to assemble, we're performing at Sonarstice in June! We need to get together for a setlist!!!
I hadn't noticed my sister coming in until she asked my mom what was going on. "Why is he smiling like a lunatic? Is this Nolan-related?"
"For once, it's actually not," I said, looking up at her with a grin. "I'm performing at Sonarstice this year."
"You are? That's amazing!" she said, grinning. "But where is he?"
"Can you stop being obsessed with my boyfriend for one minute?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
"But everyone's been introduced except for me!" She dropped her backpack at her feet and crossed her arms. "It's unfair."
"You've met him."
"We've exchanged like three words. I need to know his intentions with my baby brother."
"I'm five years older than you," I groaned. She's done this since we were kids.
"Shut up, you know we're basically twins."
"Trisha, stop treating your brother like a child," my mom said, backing me up. I stuck out my tongue at my sister, and she gasped, pointing at me, but when my mom turned back around to face me, I smiled innocently at her.
"You're not getting tickets," I told her.
"Yes I am," she said.
"Yes, she is," my mom said, betraying me.
"Fine, but I'm pretty sure I can only get three, and if Gen isn't performing I'm inviting her."
"Perfect!" she said. "I'm gonna go with my adoptive sister and my future brother-in-law. Man, I love family." She grabbed her bag off the floor and walked towards the stairs. "Tell me when he gets back. I do really want to meet him. Like, actually."
"I'll let you know," my mom said, twisting the knife deeper.
"I'm gonna call Gen and wait for Nolan outside."
My mom pulled me into one more hug.
•••
"Have you been sitting outside this entire time?" he asked, carrying two grocery bags.
"Do you really need that much stuff? You were gone forever." I said, ignoring his question.
"Grocery shopping is kind of peaceful," he said with a shrug. "How did your meeting go?"
"Well, I have good news and bad news," I told him.
"Bad first," he said, shooting out one of the grocery bags for me to hold.
"My sister is home and she's really excited to re-meet you. The good news is that I'll be performing at Sonarstice," I said, holding in my excitement as I didn't know whether he even knew what that was.
"Sonarstice?" he asked, his eyebrows drawn together. "I think I've heard of it. It's that one giant festival, right?"
I nodded, my grin now growing. "I'm gonna be main stage."
A row of pearly whites revealed themselves and he used his free arm to pull me into a hug. "That's amazing, Dimple," he said, and we walked inside the house. My sister came rushing down the stairs like the door shutting was Pavlov's bell. Nolan removed his arm around me and stuck out his hand toward my sister.
"Finally," she said with a grin. "I knew you had a thing for my brother from the moment we first spoke."
"Trisha, shut up," I said, trying to pull Nolan away, but my sister just followed us.
Nolan chuckled awkwardly, his face red as we dropped out stuff on the island.
"When did you start dating? Oakley told me a few months ago, I think it was somewhere before Christmas."
"Since his birthday," Nolan answered truthfully. "So it's been almost four months."
"But we sort of dated before then," I added. "Either way it's none of your business."
"I know but I'm curious, you know me."
"Be curious in private. You know the rules."
She nodded and crossed her arms, but she did get back up and left the kitchen. "We'll talk later," she told Nolan.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Sorry for the late update, I was on vacation, but I'm back ❤️
Long update for the long wait. Love you
Xx <3