Late fall 1999
Tonight, is the night of my first party and I'm a little nervous, it's at a junior's house, Wade, a guy Brandi has been seeing for a few weeks. I'd feel better if Olly or Hunter were here, but Olly wouldn't want to go to a party, and Hunter's lame girlfriend Mary Beth warned me about going so no way was I going to tell him about it.
As Brandi and I walk up to Wade's door, I'm nervous; my heart is all fluttery, and my palms are sweating. I went with a casual look in a pair of jeans and borrowed one of Brandi's fitted tee shirts; it's short and shows a little of my belly. I wear a cardigan over it left unbuttoned, as Brandi insisted, but I'm starting to button it as we walk to the door.
Brandi is wearing low-rise jeans with a big brown belt, they flare at the bottom, and she's wearing a pair of brown boots. With it she has on a tiny red baby tee that shows off a lot of her flat stomach.
When we reach the door, it opens as a guy and a girl come out, holding cigarettes. He lights hers and then his all casually, and Brandi and I walk right into the big puff of smoke as we reach the door. Good thing I'm sleeping at her house. Mama would kill me if I came home smelling like smoke.
"Kinsey don't be nervous!" Brandi whispers loudly as she pushes the door open, and I follow her.
We walk right into a kitchen, a big one, I start to kick my shoes off, but Brandi stops me; I glance down at the stained green linoleum and wisely keep them on. They have the same metal square table as Hunter's mom, and a handful of guys are sitting around it, including Wade. I glance towards the adjoining living room and see more teenagers sitting on the couches, and some standing around. Everyone is just... talking; I thought it'd be like a school dance or something.
Wade looks up with a smile as he sees Brandi. It's one of those big white toothpaste smiles, he's got sandy blonde hair and blue eyes, Brandi thinks he's a hottie. I think he's alright, he pales in comparison to some of the guys in our class, in my opinion. I wouldn't dare tell Brandi that though.
"Hey baby girl, come on over here," he drawls out, making Brandi giggle. I stand there awkwardly as she goes and places herself on his lap.
"Cory, be a gentleman and give Kinsey your seat," Wade pushes at the guy next to him, a tall, slightly stocky kid with black hair.
"My apologies," Cory flashes me a cute smile as he gets up, making a show of holding the chair out for me. "Nice to meet you, Kinsey."
"You too," I offer a nervous smile.
Brandi sets her purse down on the table and pulls her Polaroid camera out, she got it for her fifteenth birthday and it's fun. It spits the picture out right away, and in a few minutes, you can see it.
Wade pics it up and snaps a photo of me, as Cory comes up behind me and yells, "boo!" I yelp and nearly leap off my chair.
"Ha! That one will be great," Wade laughs as the photo spits out. "Make these girls some drinks, Cory."
I find myself as tongue-tied as I used to get when Olly and I were twelve and thirteen, hiding from the bullies. I know I shouldn't drink and don't want to, but if I say no, they'll surely make fun of me. It's been so nice since Brandi took me in, and people stopped picking on me. The fear of it all coming back is big for me. I've even had nightmares about it.
Brandi told me on the way here that if I only have one or two, it'll just relax me and just make me feel more confident. Right now, I could sure use that.
"Whatcha' making us?" Brandi asks, she shoots me a, be cool, look, and I smile at her, doing my best to ignore my racing heart.
"So'Co and coke, it's good." Cory puts a tall glass in front of each of us. Brandi takes a big slurp of it, and Wade looks amused as her face puckers.
"Too strong!" she shudders.
"Just sip it slow," Cory suggests. "Go ahead, Kinsey."
I take a small sip, and it's all I can do not to spit it back out, but I swallow it down, and then, like Brandi, I shudder.
"Fuck you, Cory, put more soda in their glasses. They're freshmen," another guy spits out; he looks irritated as his eyes dart over to Wade, who ignores it. He has a kind look in his soft brown eyes. I recognize him from some pictures on the school walls. Jay Smyth, he's won a bunch of awards for both basketball and football.
"It's an acquired taste, like coffee; you girls like coffee?" Wade asks.
"No, it's disgusting," I say...
...as Brandi says, "We love it!"
She then glares at me, but I'm confused about what coffee has to do with anything; this drink is just bad. I take one smaller sip and nearly gag at it.
"Just give me that. I'll make you an actual drink," Jay takes it away from me, and then, despite Wade's scoffing, he takes Brandi's away too.
He makes us something he calls a screwdriver, and it's better; it still makes my lips pucker at first but after a few sips, I start liking the taste. I sip it as I listen to them talk, mostly about football and stuff. Brandi every so often giggles at something Wade says.
After a while I see what Brandi meant, I feel a little dizzy, but the nervousness and overthinking are gone and I'm so at ease. When I finish my drink, Jay makes me another. Brandi already finished hers, and Wade took over making her next drink.
The door bursts open, and a handful of teens, some guys and some girls walk in. Wade bounces Brandi off his lap to greet them all, and when she stands up, he gives her butt a little smack.
"You bring anything for me?" Wade asks one of the guys, who gives him a wolfish-looking grin, something about it gives me a chill.
"You know I did, man."
"Come on, Kinz. I have to use the bathroom," Brandi pulls me up, and holy crap, I'm even dizzier when I stand.
As we walk out, I hear one of the girls say. "Really, Wade?" he laughs; I look quizzically at Brandi, but she ignores it and pulls me into the bathroom with her.
***
Time passes fast, and more and more teens arrive as the night goes on. The living room isn't big and looks even smaller with so many kids crowded around it. I'm sitting on the big tan sectional couch in the living room; it's comfy and sinks in a little. Jay is sitting next to me and there is a couple on the other side of me kissing, which is super awkward. I do my best not to look over at them.
I'm sipping on the third drink Jay made for me and feeling buzzed, it makes me more talkative. I even find myself laughing and joking around with Jay and some of the other older kids.
Brandi is a lot drunker than me. She's currently in the middle of the living room; dancing and singing with some other girls. I'm not sure where Wade went, but I'll bet he'll be back soon. He's been all over her all night, pulling her into his lap and kissing her in front of everyone.
"Come grab some fresh air with me," Jay directs as he stands; he pulls me up with him, and I nearly fall over.
"Better slow down on that," Jay chuckles when he sees it. He steadies me by slipping an arm around my lower back as we walk outside. It makes my skin feel warm and a little tingly, and I realize my cardigan is gone, and his hand is directly on my skin because of the short shirt.
We sit down on the steps, and Jay lights up a skinnier cigarette that looks different than the ones my dad sometimes smokes. I realize why as he lights it, and the smell fills the air.
"Is that weed?" I gasp out loud, and Jay laughs.
"You're cute," he hands it to me. "Try it."
Damn it, Mama is going to kill me if she finds any of this out, and Dad... I don't even want to think about what he'd do. I'm staring at the joint with a nervous look and a shaky hand as I reach for it.
"Hey, relax!" Jay says with an easy-going smile as he pulls it back. "No pressure, you don't have to."
I'm relieved as he takes one more long drawn from it, snuffs it out, and sticks it in a cigarette pack.
"So, Kinsey," he asks as he leans in closer. "You got a boyfriend?"
'No," I confess as I feel my cheeks pinken.
"That's hard to believe."
"It is?"
"Well yeah, you're beautiful," he tucks a hair back from my face, and my heart nearly explodes at the word; no guy has ever said I'm beautiful before, well, 'cept my dad.
He starts leaning in like he's going to kiss me, and I am so stunned I gasp but it comes out very loud, and, he stops his eyes opening wide, I think maybe my eyes look scared, because he backs up. my heart starts hammering in my chest. "Whoa, um sorry."
"No, it's okay, I was just surprised, but... I want to," I say quickly.
"Shit." He backs up further away from me. "You've never kissed anyone, have you?"
"Uh, no," I admit.
"How old are you?"
"Fourteen, but I'll be fifteen soon," I say, and he cringes.
"The fuck am I doing? I'm not Wade," he mutters.
"What?" I question, what did I do wrong?
"Kinsey, do yourself and Brandi a favor and call someone to come get you," Jay stands up, and I look up with furrowed brows. "Wade's not a good guy, get her home."
"What do you mean?"
"That's all I can say, Kid, I got to bounce."
He takes off down the street, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walks off. The almost kiss falls to the back burner as I worry about what he said about Wade. I stand up on wobbly legs and slowly walk inside when I hear voices from inside.
"Fuck that's pure." I recognize Wade's voice.
"Yeah, man."
As I peek into the window from the door, I see a guy leaning down and snorting white powder from the table, and Wade's next to him, wiping his nose. My hammering heartbeat is back only now it's all fear. What do I do? I can't walk in there while they're doing that stuff!
"Brandi's a little hottie," the other guy says as he lifts his head back up.
"Fuck yeah, can't wait to pop that cherry." They both laugh as they stand up and head back into the living room.
I instantly get the creeps, why would he say it like that? I step in quietly and head over to Wade's phone, Brandi will surely kill me, but I don't see any other choice here.
It rings a few times and then she answers.
"Hello?"
"Shar," I whisper.
"Kinsey, honey, is that you?"
"Um yeah, I'm sorry I'm calling so late, but you said any of us could call you anytime. No questions asked, right?"
"I did." Her voice grows more serious now. "Where are you? You need me to come get you?"
"Please, me and Brandi," I beg. "And please hurry."
***
Shar went into mom mode when we got to her place; she made us drink water and take some aspirin. After that, she got the pull-put couch ready for us and gave us each some pajamas. True to her word, she didn't ask us any further questions or even yell at us. Instead, she told us to sleep it off and thanked me for calling her.
Brandi, however, is not even a little grateful; she threw a fit when Shar showed up and she has yet to say a word to me.
"Brandi," I whisper.
"Never talking to you again," She spits back. "Jeez, Kinz why didn't you just leave and let me stay?"
"I told you what I heard Wade say, and he was doing coke or something!" I whisper loudly. "I saw him."
"So what? You're such a baby," she mutters. "Get off, not sleeping next to you."
"But Jay said it too, that Wade is not a good guy."
"I said move," she kicks at me, and now I'm just mad. I know she's drunk but come on!
I angrily grab a blanket and a pillow and go to the floor; as I lie there, the room spins. I try opening my eyes, but that makes it even worse, so I squeeze them shut again.
I feel myself being lifted. "It's okay, Darlin, it's me," I hear Hunter's voice whispering into my ear, I grip unto him as he carries me, it's kind of amazing, I feel like a princess. But I'm set carefully down on a soft mattress far too soon. My body cold again.
"Sleep here, okay? I'll sleep on the floor."
"Stay with me," I beg in a timid voice as I fumble for his arm.
"Kinz ... I shouldn't..." but he hasn't pulled away from me.
"Please? I don't feel very good. I'm so dizzy."
"Ma's gonna kill me," he sighs as he climbs beside me. I roll over so I'm closer to him; as I open my eyes, I see him studying me with a worrisome look.
"What happened tonight?"
"I don't know," I mutter.
"You smell like weed."
"I didn't smoke any," I promise him.
"But you drank?"
"Yeah, it was fun for a while." I sink into his mattress, and I blubber on, "Then I found out Wade's not a good guy and I tried to warn Brandi and, had to call your mom to come get us and Brandi is pissed."
"Sorry, I think she'll get over when she's sober and realizes."
"I hope so."
"You should've told me you were going to a party like that. I would've come with you," Hunter's face is so close to mine.
If only I could just...
"I almost kissed someone tonight." The words fly out, and Hunter instantly tenses.
"What? Who? One of Wade's friends? They're all like seventeen!" Hunter looks angry, and now I wish I didn't say anything. "Who was it, Kinz? I'll kill him."
"He didn't do it," I mumble, and Hunter relaxes. "He almost did, and then he didn't. I don't know what I did wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong," he says firmly, "He had no business kissing you so good thing he didn't."
"Why not?"
"Cause you're only fourteen!"
"You act so much older, you're barely fifteen."
"It's not about age so much as..."
"As what?"
"Experience, I guess," he clarifies.
"How can I get experience if I don't have any, though?" I ask with furrowed brows.
He looks perplexed as he lets out yet another sigh.
"You know, by experience, I don't mean just kissing. You haven't gone on dates, or gone to parties until tonight, this is all new to you. The most you've done is dance with a guy knew all your life. An older guy could take advantage, you know?"
"Yeah," I mumble, "but I think Jay was nice and it was my freaked-out face scared him off."
"Just shows what I said is true, you're not ready." He is so sure of himself it annoys me.
"No one is totally ready for their first kiss," I argue. "I bet even you were scared."
"Nah," he says cockily.
I bet he's a good kisser...
"Will you kiss me?" I blurt it out before I can stop myself, and his eyes go as wide as saucers. "I mean just a small kiss," I backpedal. "So, my first one is over, and next time I won't look all scared."
"Kinz, I can't do that... I'm with Mary Beth, and I can't be kissing other girls," he pauses for a moment, "even if it is you."
I glance up at him, but he looks away and the embarrassment of it all hits me hard and fast. He has a girlfriend, what am I doing? Why did I ask him that? "I'm so sorry... I don't know why I... pretend I never asked that." I start getting up, but he pulls me back, holding my body against his.
"Don't leave, okay, it's okay," he whispers. "You're still a little drunk, so you weren't thinking right."
"Yeah," I take the excuse, but while the alcohol played a role, I know better.
"Do you feel any better?" he asks.
"The room stopped spinning," I am so relieved about that as I close my eyes.
He doesn't let go of me, and I like the feeling in his arms, it's so warm and soothing, I snuggle closer. Hunter drifts off fast and starts snoring softly. The sound is calming and helps lull me off
Until...my eyes pop open as something hits me.
How does Hunter know I danced with Olly?
***
The following Monday Morning
"Kinsey, are you okay? You have been fidgety all morning," My dad asks as he pulls into the school parking lot.
"I'm fine, Dad," I lie and kiss his cheek. "See you later!"
I run off before he can stop me but I'm sure he'll tell Mama and she'll corner me later. I'm a mess; Brandi hasn't talked to me since we left Hunter's house yesterday morning. She's had a day to think it over, and I hope she'll talk to me today.
As I start towards the entrance, I see her in front of the door talking to Mary Beth, and they both look at me as I walk up. Brandi's got a smug look on her face, while Mary Beth seems very upset.
"What's going—" I start and am cut off.
"How could you?" Mary Beth steps closer to me, and I see her eyes welled up with tears.
"I... what?" I stutter.
Did Brandi hear me ask Hunter to kiss me? No way she was passed out by then. I don't have to wonder long when I notice a polaroid in Mary Beth's hand.
"What is that...?" She's already shoving it at my face, and it looks very bad. It's me and Hunter in his bed, I'm guessing early Sunday morning. I'm spooned against him, and he's got both his arms wrapped around my waist, my hands rest on top of his. Anyone seeing this would definitely think the worst.
Crap.
"Mary Beth, this is not what it looks like, I swear," I assure her, but she's already walking past me, and I whirl around to see Hunter and Olly have gotten off the bus.
"I asked you once and I believed you. I trusted you and you lied." She storms up to Hunter and is thrusting the picture at him like she did me.
I stand there, unsure if I should help. Would he want me to? Will I make it worse?
"I know this is a usual excuse, but I mean it when I say it's not what it looks like," he tells her quickly. "She went to a party and ended up calling my ma to get her and—"
"The party I told her not to go to!" Mary Beth cuts in. "I warned her."
"What?"
"I said I warned her," she says again.
"You knew she was going to a party like that and didn't tell me?" there's a flash of anger in his eyes, and she takes a step back.
"You're turning this around on me?" she questions.
"No... I didn't mean to do that, but—"
"I don't want to talk about this here. I don't want to talk about it all," she's started crying. "I just want to be alone."
She runs off, and I feel awful. I meet Hunter's eyes, and they are full of guilt, making me feel even worse. He turns and goes after Mary Beth, who's now running down the parking lot.
"Why would you do that?" I whirl around and glare at Brandi. "Why would you hurt her like that?"
"You're blaming me for you getting into Hunter's bed?" Brandi snaps back. "So, I can't sleep over at Wade's, but you can do whatever you want?"
"It wasn't like that, and you know it!"
"I don't know anything," Brandi shrugs. "I just saw y'all in the morning and thought if I were Mary Beth, I'd want to know."
"You know the only reason I called Shar was to watch out for you! Wade is not a good guy. He is going to hurt you, and when he does, you're on your own. Don't come to me about it," I seethe. "I am never talking to you again."
"Good! Because I never planned on talking to you again either!" She spins on her heel and storms into the school.
"What in the world happened?" I turn around to see a confused Olly staring wide-eyed at me.
"It's a long, horrible story." My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry at Brandi; I feel bad for Mary Beth, and ...Hunter. I'm also worried, if Mary Beth shows everyone that picture, I'll get a bad reputation... Stuff like that can follow you forever.
This is a damn mess, and now my eyes are pooling with tears.
"We're skipping first period, come on," Olly says as he takes my arm. "We'll go hide out in the computer lab."
"Thank you," I whimper. The tears are starting to leak, so he slips an arm around me and hurriedly hustles me inside.