Forest
Seven missed calls, Twenty messages, and several knocks on my front door. I ignore them all. This entire weekend I haven't moved from the safety of my room, not that I have much of a choice, anyway. I wouldn't consider myself grounded. No, this is much worse. They control everything. My phone. My schedule. My body. My brain. More than they ever did before. If I thought I didn't have freedom before, I've been mistaken.
After a full weekend of sitting in my emotions, pacing, punishing myself by working out until my body nearly gives out, and showers where I almost black out from how hot the water is, I'm still not ready to face Atlas. I'm still not ready to tell him that it's over. And even though we're young, and some would say we don't even know what love is yet, I truly believe I will never love anyone like I love him. I'm not ready to leave our relationship behind, the promise of what we could be. But I'm left with no choice. This is what has to be done. This is real life, and no one gets a choice. No one gets the happy endings.
Today, is Monday, which means I have to face everyone at school. When I walk in, I realize something is different; no one's looking at me. I mean, they are, but not like they have been lately, but like they were before everything. Like I'm a god and they can't believe I'm real. It should be refreshing, I should be happy, but it isn't, and I'm not. I'm just plain confused, what changed?
"Forest!" I freeze, my entire body lighting on fire from his voice. Atlas. He's here and he's calling to me. I should turn around, I should ask him to talk privately, and I should end things. I need to. However, I pick up the pace, and I walk as fast as what is considered normal down the hallway. Maybe I can just avoid him until this is over, then when the cost is clear, we would technically still be together, right? "Forest, you bastard, don't run from me!" I'm not running from him, I'm running from what's expected of me. Maybe I've spent too much time with him, because now he's rubbing off on me. I'm running from my problems.
I turn the corner quickly, accidentally pushing someone aside. I make the mistake of stoping, for the slightest second, to apologize out of instinct.
Because now, Atlas has me. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, his hand fisting so much of it I'm worried he might rip it, pulling my back straight into his front. His mouth his at my ear, his breath fanning my neck. I'm so caught up with the feeling of him, I don't register that this is in front of everyone.
"Get in there. Now." He says darkly, in a demanding way, pointing to the empty classroom next to us. Is it a bad time to say how addictively hot that was? I sigh, pulling away from him and walking into the room, defeated. This has to happen one way or another, it's inevitable. I need to just get it over with.
Silence follows us, wrapping us up in an uncomfortable hug. He's staring at me, his blue eye blank, his brown eye dark. He's angry. He's never been angry with me before, and it's honestly scary. Kinda sexy. But mostly scary. I'm almost a thousand percent sure he's waiting for me to explain, and I want to, but that also leads to the end of us, and that's what's stopping me.
"You're absolutely going to kill me one day." He says breathlessly, stalking over to me. He grabs me by the belt. He pulls. I stumble into him. I think I like all this grabbing he's doing. He kisses me. I kiss him. I can't get enough of him, drinking him in like I'm dehydrated. Then it hits me, this is very well the last time I'll ever kiss him again, and if we get caught right now, it could very well end him. I pull away. He tries to kiss my neck, and I push him away, putting distance in between us. I hate it. I hate it more than I've ever hated anything in my entire life.
"We can't do that." I mumble softly, but he hears anyway, hurt crossing his face. He looks like a sad puppy, and I hate it as much as it is endearing.
"Do you know how mad I am at you right now?" His voice is angry again, his eyes blazing. I can take a good educated guess, and taking his facial expression into count, I'd say he's pretty mad. I think deep down, he knows what happens next. "You haven't called, you haven't texted. I've been worried sick, my love. Are you trying to punish me? I thought we were over what happened with my dad-"
"Christ, no!" I want to laugh, and scream, and cry. "I'm not trying to punish you." How could he think that?
"Then what is it, huh? I don't understand." He looks like he might cry now, and I want to throw up.
"I've been thinking for a while now, and it's probably for the best. Neither of us are in a good head space right now. This is inevitable, honestly, I mean how long did we really think this could go on for? Not long at all. So what I'm trying to say is, and what I should've told you all along instead of dragging it out-" I stammer over my words, a mumbling mess before he cuts me off.
Atlas laughs hysterically causing me to pause my rambling, is he serious? He's actually laughing right now? How could he be laughing when I'm physically draining my body of any happiness I've ever had? He presses the palms of his hands to his forehead, turning away from me. He laughs again, menacingly. He turns abruptly, dropping his hands, and practically shouts, "Spit it out already, Forest! You don't want to be with me. I get it, you don't love me anymore. Maybe you never did. Maybe you were just confused. Whatever. But please, put me out of my misery, and just spit it out."
As I'm standing there, looking at him, the heartbreak evident on his face, I consider saying fuck it. I consider telling him everything and running away with him into the sunset. Then my rationality comes back, and I remember that no matter where we are, he would find us. He would hurt him. Atlas may think that what's happening right now is the worst possible scenario, but he's wrong, because this is nothing compared to what could really happen. What will happen if I don't end things with him right now. That gives me the slightest bit of strength to end it, and even though it will kill me, it will save him.
"I don't want to be with you anymore." I mange to say, my voice steady and calm, even though I'm anything but. I crumble completely inside. My heart dropping down to my stomach, dread filling my entire being. Any light I had left inside me just died, and now, I feel nothing. I have nothing left. I deserve it, especially after what I just did to Atlas.
He nods, tears filling his eyes. He looks away, nods again like he's just decided something, and looks back. His eyes hold so much emotion like I've never seen before, like he's baring his soul to me one last time, even after I just completely ripped his heart out. "For what it's worth, I loved you even before you met me. I always knew who you were, Forest. That day on that balcony. That day we ran into each other at school. But now? I don't recognize the person I'm looking at. I know this isn't you, and I want you to know, I still love you. I think I always will." Then he leaves. He walks away like he didn't just drop a huge bomb on my life.
It's as if someone dumped a bucket of ice cold water over my head, my whole body goes cold and stiff. My throat tightens up, my skin becomes clammy, and my heart dies inside my chest. It beats because it has to, not because it wants to. My breathing goes shallow, pure panic coursing through me. It's rough and unforgiving. There's no other way to explain it other than I feel like I'm dying.
"No. Please." I manage to get out, mostly to myself. I press my palms to my chest, begging my lungs to start working. A sickly feeling of anxiety pulls deep in my stomach, burning a black hole into my chest where my heart used to be. Just because I knew I was going to end things with Atlas doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, it might hurt even more. Especially knowing that he thinks I don't love him anymore, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I love him even more. I keep telling myself that it's for the best, that there was no way around this. He had to think that I was ending things because I wanted to, otherwise he wouldn't have let me, and it needed to happen. But somewhere deep inside, I can't help but feel like I made the wrong choice.
I slump down on the ground, my back pressed against the white brick walls. My breathing slows and I come back to earth after a few minutes. I hope Atlas can move on from me, that he doesn't give me a second thought after this. I don't deserve his tears, and especially not his love. I deserve his hate. I just wish this didn't have to happen so close to his fathers heart attack, one thing keeps piling onto another and I'm worried he won't be able to take it. I just hope he can push through this and be there for his sister, for his dad. For himself.
"Say goodbye to your boyfriend?" Jackson's voice asks, making me jump. How long has he been in here? How much has he seen? I pull my hands away from my face, looking up to shoot him a glare. I know he sent photos of Atlas and me to my parents. He's the one who outed us, and I will make him pay.
"It was you, wasn't it?" My voice cracks with accusation, and with the need to cry. But tears won't leave. I have nothing else to give, there's no fight left in me anymore. No feeling left. I stand up, crossing the room to do I'm not sure what. I probably would've hurt him if he didn't push me back, holding me away from him.
"I'm not the one doing this, Forest. I never was." He says, giving me a sad smile. He almost looks like the guy I used to know, my best friend.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I spit, pushing his hand away from my chest angrily. "Stop playing games with me, Jackson. I've had enough. I have nothing left to loose, nothing left for you to take from me. So, please, continue. See what happens when you do."
"Tony's been orchestrating this entire thing!" He shouts, panicked. I laugh dryly, the humor in it no where to be seen.
"So you had nothing to do with it, huh?" I say sarcastically, inching closer to him slowly. The urge to hurt him is too great. It's one thing to commit the acts he has, but it's another to deny them. "You really expect me to believe that? After everything?" It would be amusing if it wasn't happening to me.
"Can you just listen to me for a second instead of jumping to conclusions?" I stare at him, completely and utterly in shock. He really thinks I should give him the time of day, after everything he's done to me. And surprisingly, I do. I sigh, eager to get this over with, I pull out a chair at one of the desks, sitting my ass down and motioning to the one across from me when he sends me a confused look.
"Five minutes. That's all you get." I don't know why I'm doing this, but something about him is telling me I should. Something about his posture, slouched and tired, something about his expression, dazed and panicked, tells me I should at least give him a chance. That I can give him a couple minutes of my time.
"Tony came up to me one day, angry that you're still captain and saying that we should do something to sabotage you. He was jealous, always have been. Obviously, I said no and was going to tell you about the whole thing, but he threatened to hurt Jade."
"What? Why didn't you tell someone? They could've helped." Normally, I wouldn't be so gullible and believe something like that right away. However, Tony has had a thing for Jade, Jackson's sister, since before I can remember. He was always making inappropriate jokes about her and making unwanted moves on her. I just didn't think he would take it this far.
"It was his word against mine, and at the end of the day, we all know no one would believe me. Not since he has family working all over this town." Besides me, Tony might just have a leg up above everybody. Tony is always one step ahead. But unlike me, I don't use it against people. I always knew there was something off about him. "I couldn't risk my sister, man. Even for you."
"I understand. I wouldn't have it any other way." If I had a sister, and it were her in danger, I would do anything to protect her as well. I truly do understand, I just wish it didn't have to happen this way. I wish it didn't have to happen at all.
"At first, I tried everything I could to get you to stay away from Atlas, because I knew he would give you trouble. Not on purpose, but I knew he'd be the reason Tony would have leverage on you. Then, when that didn't work, I just decided I would find ways to stop Tony taking it too far." I raise an eyebrow at him, because clearly he didn't do a very good job at that. "But, Tony got suspicious and had me tell everyone you got a girl pregnant. And have STD's. But I cleared all of that up yesterday."
"What!" I stand abruptly, disgusted. That doesn't even make sense. How did people believe that? "I'm gonna fucking kill him." My hands ball up into fists, the desire to punch something greater than ever before. This yearning feeling in my muscles to destroy and hurt almost taking over my body. Almost. I pace around for a few seconds, trying to piece this all together. Trying to decipher the truth.
I don't want to believe him, but I think I do.
"One day, he saw you and Atlas getting comfortable on the football field after school and took a picture. He edited it a little, made it look like the two of you kissed, and sent it to your parents. Luckily, I held him off from sending it to the entire school. Though I'm not entirely sure that'll hold him off forever."
"Why didn't you just pretend to be friends with me in the meantime, why did you reveal the truth to me?" This answer could make or break my opinion. Whatever he says next, determines my next move. I look at him, noting the eye contact and sincere expression. He's telling the truth.
"Because I couldn't lie to your face like that, Forest. I couldn't tell you the entire truth either, so I pushed you away. It was for the best." My entire world comes crashing down, shattering into a million pieces in front of me. I can bend down and try to pick them up, or I can let them cut me. I just lost the one thing that I had left to fight for, but maybe I just gained another soldier.
Maybe I can use what's left, and mend it all back together. Take the shattered pieces and use them to win this fight, because I will get Atlas back, even if it's the last thing I do. "Can you help me with something?" I ask Jackson, smirking at him. Not a happy one, but a dangerous one. A smirk that promises I will rain hell on those who have wronged me.
"Of course, anything."
"Oh, and by the way, if you ever hit Atlas like that again, I will fucking kill you."
07/18/23