I got back into the team for the Man City game just before the international break. I came on in the 60th minute and helped make a difference. We were down 1-0 and knew we had to win this match. We had to beat Man City if we wanted Champions League football next season. it was really a race between us and them to see who would get that third-place finish. If we won here, it would give us the boost we really needed.
As I sprung down the field, feeling a happiness I hadn't felt in many months, I knew I could make a difference. I dribbled the ball that Leah passed to me, and as I approached the top of the box, I curled it, bending around the Man City keeper and into the goal. I had equalised the game only 3 minutes into my return match. All the girls came around me, and so too did Leah. She didn't catch my eye, and instead, I felt her hand pat my back slightly.
"We keep going, okay?" she screeched to all of us as we returned to the center.
Katie scored another banger in the 74th and we ended up winning, by the skin of our teeth. It was a small margin, but it was a margin. We had done it.
Woso.forever: GUYS WHY DID TIPPAH AND LEAH NOT CELEBRATE!??!??!?! Why... whyyyyy?
Jilliansonlover: wait leah and tippah, they didn't even talk to each other.
Arsenalwfc123: um so i just looked and leahs mum unfollowed tippah... and so did alex scott...
Wsl.arsenal: HAVE THEY BROKEN UP!?!?! Plz no.
It was now international break, and we were set to verse Scotland and England. Arsenal didn't want to let me into Matildas camp, but they were more lenient as I wouldn't have to travel. I was glad; I didn't want to have to go back home. There were more struggles there than there were in London (and that was saying something.)
Over the past few weeks, I kept my distance from Leah. She didn't want to see me, and I understood that. I knew what I did was wrong, but some part of me ached for her. I knew I should come clean to her, but it would be difficult.
The worst part of this whole ordeal was I was still lying to her.
I didn't cheat on her. I could never do that. I would never be able to do that. That girl had my entire heart and more. I was just scared of what she would think if she knew the whole of it. I was scared that she knew about the drinking and the demons that lived inside of my head. It was better that she was away from me, thinking the worst than trying to console me, thinking the best.
I went into camp excited to play with my long-time teammates; the people I grew up with. I hadn't been a part of this team for a while, and I needed this. Needed the comfort that this team brought for me. I was 79 camps into my Matildas career, and I loved it more than I could imagine. I was 27 goals and 19 assists in those matches (which Sam always tells me is good but I then remind her of her own 60 goals and she laughs.)
Tony talked to me about what he expected out of this camp, mentioning that it's all about preparations for the World Cup, and before I could even ask, he assured me I would be on that plane, despite the previously broken leg.
"Thank you," I said to him.
"Are you okay, Tippah?" Tony then asked as I was about to walk out. "You haven't got that same... spark." He looked concerned. His eyes spoke a thousand words and his own sparkle always shines, despite his worry.
"As good as I can be, Tony." HE smiled softly, coming over to give me a short, and professional hug.
"If you need anything..."
"I will not ask, but thanks anyways." He chuckled and I headed out.
As I headed to my room, I looked up to see the comfort of home I once relied on.
"Hey," Ellie said. She had just come back from her own injury. ACL. She made it though. She came back.
"Hi," I answered. "How've you been?"
"Good, good. A more important question is how have you been?" she asked, looking sincere.
"I've been better. Thanks Ells." She softly smiled at me, before touching my arm and walking off. There was something about her that just settled my heart. But she had her own girl, and even though I didn't have mine now, I knew that once I had fixed myself, I could find her again, if only she may wait for that.
I knew I shouldn't expect it but god, I hoped.
In our first game against Scotland, I didn't play. Tony didn't want me out there just yet, making sure I was fully rested for the England game, which I assured him I wanted to start. He took that into consideration, and as we sat in the locker room at Wembley, I was given the nod.
This is what I had dreamt of. I had always wished to play in this stadium. I wanted to feel the crowds cheering, whether they were going for me or against me. I wanted to see the thousands backing their team. The atmosphere was something I could only ever dream of.
And I was here; going out to play.
It was all I had dreamt of.
I paced outside the locker room, trying to contain my excitement. In moments like these, I forgot about the hell, and the heaven, and everything in between. All
I thought and felt about the moments I was about to endure and survive.
We soon went out, and I stood at the back of the line. I saw Leah's ponytail sway behind her, as she led her own team. They were unbeaten for 30 games, but everyone knew that the Matildas loved to be the underdogs.
England had most of the possession. Leah was playing in the back and had much time on the ball. She loved to stream herself forward, and each time I came close to her, she would pass it off, running back to support her line. I wanted to go up to her, right there and then on the pitch, and come clean. I wanted to tell her I wasn't a horrible person. It was all a huge misunderstanding. But I couldn't. I had to do what was best for her and for me.
Early in that match, I passed the ball out to Hayley on the wing as I was playing as the AM. I saw Sam in front of me, and I had a great vision of what could happen if Hayley played the cross.
Except Leah got in the way. She headed the ball out, and play restarted. I tried not to look at her, but the pleasing expression on her face only made me feel happy for her. She was playing well.
Except when she wasn't. I passed a long ball to Sam, just hoping for the best, and a mistake from Leah, led to Sam slotting it past Mary Earps. I ran over to Sam to celebrate, but I didn't go too hard. I didn't want to be disrespectful to her.
The half continued and ended 1-0.
As we started the second part of the game, we scored again. I was about to cross the ball out to Charlie as we were on a fast break, and she slotted it behind Mary once again. We were up 2-0 at Wembley against the European Champions. The crowd was silent.
The English girls started to get frustrated, meaning we were all subjected to some pretty brutal tackles. I was brought down by Leah at one point, and as I lay on the ground, staring up at her, there was something between us. There was a hurt. There was a pain that we both shared. I didn't know what to do. Leah soon moved off, as Sam came over to help me up.
"You okay?" she asked, knowing of the tensions that were currently between me and Leah.
"I'm- yeah."
The game ended 2-0, and as I shook hands with all the players, I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to kiss her, right there and then, but we both stared at each other and moved on, not touching.
"What happened?" Ellie said, whispering into my ear. She saw that whole exchange, I came to realize.
"You don't want to know," I replied.
"Oh I do," she answered. "If I can talk some sense into you, I want to know."
I went to Ellie's room that night, as she was packing to go back to Lyon. It was nothing more than talking. Just her and me. Just Tippah and Ellie.
Just Ellie.
"So, you broke up with her cause you thought that was what was best for her?" Ellie asked after I told her all that had happened over the past few months.
"Yes."
"And you told her you cheated on her?"
"Yes."
"And you were drunk?"
"Yes."
"And you were lied?"
"Yes."
"You're a fucking idiot," Ellie said, which caught me slightly off guard. I knew it was coming but the forwardness of how it was said reminded me of the Ellie and Tippah of old.
"I- what?"
"You're a fucking idiot."
"I heard you the first time."
"Listen, Tippah. I understand you want to protect her, but- but you can't decide that for her. She has to decide that for herself. And lying to her isn't going to help anything."
"But if I told her the truth, she would want to stay." I looked down at the ground, realizing what I had just said.
"She loves you, that's why." I couldn't look at Ellie again. I couldn't face it. She soon sighed and walked over to me. "Tipp, look at me." I raised my head; our eyes interlocked.
"Yeah?"
"I understand why you did it. You want to protect her. I tried protecting you; you tried protecting me. For so long. But you have to let her decide that." I realized how much I loved Ellie in that moment, both past and present. There was something so soulful about her. She reminded me of times that were good. "She's your now. She's your forever, I just know it."
"Ell, I love you, in a used-to-date-but-now-friends way." She laughed as I said this, leaning a head onto my shoulder. Our fingers interlocked and there was something fulfilling about all of this. All our struggles as Ellie and Tippah felt resolved.
"Just because we didn't work out, Tipp, I want nothing but the best for you. You're my soulmate, in a used-to-date-but-now-friends way." I reciprocated the laugh. "Go be smart. Stop being stupid."
Ellie soon left for Lyon and it was time for me to head back to the AirBnB that I was currently staying in. I couldn't deal with the questions from Lia and Caitlin for much longer. I knew I had to be smart about it. I had to get her back.
But I had no idea it would be as hard as it turned out to be.
note:
- how is life everyone? we're not getting near the end but we're coming to the close I guess (as in closer to the end than the beginning)
- I am bored so if u lot have life updates, id love to hear them too!!!