𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙖𝙮, 𝙄'𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙗𝙞𝙜 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙘𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙜𝙤𝙣𝙣𝙖 𝙗𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣
- Mean (Taylors Version) by Taylor Swift
【☆】★【☆】
2022
Charlie fidgeted with the collar of his thrifted tee shirt. Standing on the roof of his LA apartment building and watching the sunset, a cigarette in his hand, he felt extremely uneasy. He felt guilty that he was up here smoking when his roommate and friend Daniel was out somewhere getting them takeout. The guilt was mostly coming from the fact that Daniel had been nagging Charlie to quit for almost a year, but slowly had been giving up realizing it wasn't worth the arguments.
Charlie felt his eyes burn as he stared almost directly at the sun, running his long slender fingers through his thick dark brown hair absentmindedly with his free hand while his eyebrows knitted together, a concerned expression appearing on his face.
He was far from his bedroom in his parent's house in Rhode Island, having left the day he turned 18, turning his back on his trust fund and the expectations his parents and fleeing across the country to LA. There, he had thought, he'd finally be able to pursue his dreams of making music, unrestricted and uninhibited by his parent's distaste for his goals.
Oh, how wrong he was.
Becoming successful in LA was significantly harder than Charlie had anticipated, which is why at 22 years old instead of having the overnight success he had dreamed of at 18, he was now sharing a crummy apartment with Daniel, an aspiring actor of similar age to Charlie. The two of them were each struggling to reach their goals but trying their best, with Charlie posting his original music and covers on YouTube almost daily to his small following of a couple thousand people and Daniel attending as many auditions as he could physically could.
In order to make ends meet, Charlie had been spending his days working tirelessly at a small bakery, manning the cash register and chatting with customers. Of course this wasn't ideal, but the smell of the baked goods and the excuse to get up before dawn made him happy. It was alright for now.
"Baby you light up my world like nobody else" sang Charlie's phone, breaking him from his musing thoughts. His One Direction ringtone was shattering the silence of the roof that Charlie craved, so quickly accepted he the call with the hope he could to return to his anxious thoughts as soon as he could.
"This is Charlie." he replied in an upbeat tone, as if he hadn't just been questioning his entire life.
"I have dinner in the apartment. It's from the shitty Chinese place down the street with the old lady at the counter who has a crush on me. Where the hell are you, man? You said you'd be waiting for me when I got back and I'm STARVING." said Daniel, obviously eager for Charlie to join him as fast as possible.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm on the roof. I'll be down in a minute." replied Charlie, extinguishing his cigarette on the concrete barrier that sat between him and falling, taking one last look at the LA sunset.
The sunset wasn't a particularly beautiful one. It certainly didn't look anything like the sunset back in Rhode Island. Instead The LA sunset was mostly orange and hidden behind smog, but despite that Charlie loved to watch it. In a way, it reminded him that he had escaped and was working toward his dream.
It also caused his anxiety to flair when he watched, since it made Charlie think "Have I even accomplished anything at all since I arrived in LA four years ago?"
Quickly, Charlie hopped down the side of the roof onto the fire escape and climbed down into the window of his and Daniel's apartment, much to the intense eye rolling of his roommate.
"I'm not gonna say anything Charlie, since you already know what I'm thinking." grumbled Daniel, who was sitting on their second hand couch already digging into the rice in his takeout container.
"Great, since I really don't wanna hear it." replied Charlie, ripping open the plastic bag containing the rest of their food, digging about for his noodles. He did truly feel bad that he was still smoking. He knew it was bad for him and his voice, but he knew he wasn't yet in a stable enough mental space to be able to successfully quit.
He flopped down on the couch next to Daniel, digging into his food. He realized he hadn't eaten all day, being so preoccupied with uploading one of his original songs onto YouTube and being as present as he could at work that he simply hadn't paid attention to the needs of his body.
"My god Charlie, slow down eating. The foods not gonna run away from you!" laughed Daniel as he watched his friend basically inhale his noodles.
"You don't know that!" replied Charlie through his mouthful as he attempted to chew and swallow. He had put way too much food in his mouth in his rush to fuel his lean, hungry body and was now having significant difficulty finishing everything he had put into his mouth.
Within 5 minutes, his entire takeout box was empty. He moved to put the empty container onto the coffee onto the coffee able before quickly remembering they didn't have one. Charlie proceeded to then set the remains takeout box onto the floor before leaning back onto the couch, sighing in contentment.
"So how's Rose?" asked Daniel with a smirk, causing Charlie's usually pale cheeks to flush.
"She's uh...she's good. Working hard and all, so I haven't seen her in a while."
That was a lie.
Rose was Charlie's girlfriend who had dreams of becoming a fashion model. Well, ex girlfriend. Privately, Charlie had broken up with her and he just couldn't bring himself to admit that to his friend.
Truly he was deeply embarrassed about the breakup. Rose was arguably the most beautiful woman Charlie had ever met or seen in his entire life and the fact that she was in love with him was something he still couldn't wrap his head around. No, she hadn't been the issue at all.
Charlie just simply wasn't in love with her.
He felt awful about it, since why wouldn't he be in love with her? She was sweet, beautiful, and talented and he enjoyed talking to her immensely. She was the sort of woman who lights up a room when she walks in and causes heads to turn when she walks down the street effortlessly. He doubted she even noticed the effect she has on people since she just didn't think about those kinds of things, unaware of how remarkable she is.
Charlie had been dating Rose for about a year, having met her when she was working in his favorite thrift store that he discovered the same week he moved to LA. It had been her who had asked him out, completely shocking him by writing her number on his receipt along with a "Call me :)".
But, he didn't love her. And that's simply why he broke up with her. He didn't see her as more than a friend or have any attraction to her other than physical attraction. She didn't give him butterflies in his stomach or cause his cheeks to turn pink when she walked into a room, and being a hopeless romantic that's what Charlie dreamed of in a relationship. So he ended it.
He was pretty sure he shattered her heart.
"Charlie? Are you there? Helllooooooo?" Daniel snapped his fingers in front of Charlie's eyes. He realized he had completely zoned out thinking back on his relationship with Rose.
"Yep! I'm here! Sorry. I just zoned out for a minute." smiled Charlie as he shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Honestly I'm just tired. Long day, early morning. You get it."
Daniel simply rolled his eyes at that. He had been friends with and lived with Charlie for almost four years now and still for the life of him didn't understand that man in the slightest.
"Yeah yeah, okay Charlie. You're not on drugs again right?" asked Daniel, only partially joking, raising one of his eyebrows and squinting his dark brown eyes as if attempting to read Charlie's mind.
"No Danny, I'm NOT on drugs again. You worry too much." laughed Charlie before running his hand through his hair and standing up from the couch, picking up his discarded takeout from the floor. He threw it in the trash can next to the filthy stove that he was pretty sure hadn't been used in a decade.
Entering his tiny bedroom, Charlie immediately felt a feeling of peace he hadn't experienced the entire day. His room was his space, and it made him feel safe.
A closet built into the wall, his single bed in the corner next to the window, the walls covered in posters of musicians and sticky notes reminding him of things he had to do and quotes that made him smile. His desk was shoved in the corner opposite his bed, and damn did he love that desk.
It was a vintage writing desk that he had found at a flea market a year ago for $20. At the time of discovery, the desk had been in horrific shape but with a lot of work and determination Charlie had completely restored it to what he assumed was its former glory. Now, the desk was painted a deep midnight blue with sparkly gold stars and dark emerald vines painted up and down the entire desk.
Charlie had always been proud of his artistic abilities, not just in music but in drawing and painting as well and without his family constantly telling him how useless and awful his skills were he had been able to grow and flourish in LA. Now he had painted his ceiling with a beautiful mural of the night sky and constellations. Covering his desk were stack of notebooks containing songs he had written and sketches he had made.
Without bothering to even brush his teeth or wash his face, he pulled on his pajamas, dark red flannel pants and a baggy tee shirt bearing the logo of The 1975, a band Charlie was particularly fond of.
He quickly curled into bed, wrapping himself in soft blankets, before pulling out his ancient laptop, the same one he had since 2015, and decided to check his email one last time before giving in to his urge to watch Netflix until midnight. Bleary eyed, he clicked on the email icon on his computer and refreshed it and quickly scrolled through the new emails.
They were nothing overly exciting, some advertisements from websites, spam emails telling him he'd won the lottery and then he saw it. Something special. An email he immediately knew would change everything for him.
"To one Charles William Hawthorn, from Republic Records"
【☆】★【☆】
Word Count
1834
Date Published
July 9th, 2023
Republished
April 6th, 2024