a very long chapter. enjoy ♡
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
it took taehyung some time to move after he entered his own house. the reason was bogum, who was in the kitchen, visible from the doorway, wearing an apron over casual clothes - a sight that taehyung rarely sees.
however, it wasn't the sight itself that surprised him, but rather the fact that it was happening, and so early too. bogum usually comes home around eight, and sometimes even as late as twelve, which is not uncommon.
upon noticing taehyung's entrance, bogum lifted his gaze from the vegetables he was cutting and instead of giving a smile he also stood frozen, lips parted wanting to say something but couldn't.
taehyung was unaware of why it was so difficult for bogum to communicate with him. was it due to guilt? if so, taehyung didn't know how he could alleviate that guilt because a significant part of him wanted bogum to suffer from it, while another part of his heart wanted bogum to recover and become someone taehyung could love once more.
so that he could forget jungkook.
so that it becomes a little easier.
after a few seconds of eye contact, taehyung scratched the back of his head and took a step forward, while his gaze wandered elsewhere.
"you're early" he attempted to engage in conversation, which surprised bogum more than he expected. the man nearly pressed the knife against his fingers, causing him to flinch slightly. however, before taehyung could dwell on that, he regained composure and eagerly looked at taehyung - as if he was talking with his favorite celebrity. it felt as though even speaking with his own husband felt surreal to him.
"y-yeah. today was a half day because of boss's birthday"
"he didn't throw a party or something? he does that every year" taehyung replied while placing his coat on the hanger, avoiding bogum's ecstatic face.
"he did but i didn't go. i wanted to come home early and uhm make some dinner. . . it's been a while" bogum chuckled at the end, his voice clearly weak and tired.
taehyung wondered if he was working too much. as he turned to face the male, he could easily notice the dark circles under his eyes. despite that, bogum still looked incredibly attractive, wearing the apron over his clothes, with his hair pushed back but a few strands falling on his forehead, and an awkward smile on his lips - he appeared to be the same man taehyung had fallen in love with, yet something felt different.
taehyung was sure he had seen such a sight before, until it hits him.
jungkook.
jungkook, with an apron wrapped around his naked body, displayed his full-sleeve tattoos and a bare face glowing in the morning sunlight as he stood in the kitchen making breakfast for him. the sight felt so familiar that taehyung had to break eye contact and look away.
shit. taehyung internally cursed. he was seeing jungkook in bogum and that was the last thing he wanted.
bogum observed the hesitation in taehyung's movements, causing the awkward smile to disappear from his face. he then glanced at the unevenly cut vegetables before resuming his task. "you should go freshen up" he said but never looked up at him again.
taehyung didn't either and nodded which bogum didn't see as he walked upstairs to freshen up while bogum clenched the knife in his hand and bit his lips. feeling the familiar emotion - guilt.
the dinner table was silent. just the casual clicking of the utensils. taehyung who had taken the first bite was comforted with the same taste of bogum's cooking. it might not be the best but it was certainly not bad either, it was actually really good. however, he failed to compliment the male who sat across from him and also ate in silence. it didn't look like bogum wanted to have a conversation and taehyung would gladly reciprocate it because he doesn't want to have one either.
saying he was angry with bogum was wrong. he was mad earlier yes, but now he barely feels anything for him except guilt - the same way bogum might be feeling when he looks at taehyung.
however, for taehyung it was worse because whenever he looked at bogum all he could think of was how he broke jungkook's heart for this man. how he left jungkook fucking crying and begging for him to not leave for this man.
but at the same time, he is reminded of how he cheated on this very man with jungkook. had sex in their own damn bedroom without any conscience. sheerly blinded by lust and what does that make him? a fucking cheater.
taehyung didn't want to be a cheater neither did he want jungkook to be hurt. but he did both.
at some point during the silent dinner their eyes met and both averted gaze almost right away. it became even more awkward and so, bogum decided to speak.
"how was your day?"
"fine i guess"
bogum nodded, not knowing what else to say. there was so much he wanted to say to the brunette but he realized he didn't have the nerve to do it so he stabbed the meat with his chopsticks continuously instead of talking.
"how was your day?" taehyung asked this time earning a reaction from bogum. eager. bogum was eager to talk with taehyung. he just didn't have the courage to.
"it was good. i finished early, it's one of the best feelings" bogum smiled and taehyung couldn't help but stare at him for a while before averting his gaze down at his plate.
"can i. . . ask something?"
bogum stopped smiling and sat motionless before putting down his chopsticks and put all his focus on the brunette who looked anywhere but at his face.
"sure"
"are you okay?"
there was that silence again. but this time with bogum staring at taehyung without even blinking. a minute passed and taehyung sighed, "forget it"
"why would you ask?" bogum asked back, his voice low and careful.
taehyung looked at him, lost. was he too straightforward? or did his concern show? he didn't want to care anymore.
"you look tired"
"do i?" bogum smiled awkwardly again.
"yeah. more than me honestly"
"don't say that tae"
"why?"
"i literally ripped out your smiles. are you smiling at all anymore?" bogum sounded mad, not at taehyung but at himself and taehyung could feel that.
taehyung wanted to answer yes, that he does smile. he smiles the brightest when he's with jungkook.
but maybe bogum is right,
he doesn't have any reason to smile anymore.
he cut off the reason himself.
"yes you're right. i'm tired tae" taehyung softly looked at him, noticing the dark circles around his tired eyes more now.
"i'm tired of myself."
"everyday i ask myself, what have you done park bogum. what the hell have you done and i have no answer for my own question" bogum clenched his jaw and looked into taehyung's taken back eyes.
taehyung is not taken aback by bogum's bluntness, but by how much his answer reflects his own self. it reminds him of how he also constantly questions himself about what the hell he has done.
it was sort of comforting though. to know he wasn't the only one who was losing his mind. it shouldn't be but it was.
"then let me make it easy yeah?" taehyung rasped out, the corners of his eyes stinging.
he didn't know what was hurting him so much at this point.
because what wasn't?
bogum looked at him confused and helpless both.
"what have you done, park bogum?"
the air seemed trapped in bogum's chest, as the question from the one he had wounded struck him like a dagger to the core. the anguish intensified as taehyung, wearing a sorrowful smile, patiently awaited his response. in that poignant instant, tears welled in his eyes, obscuring his vision of a very sad taehyung.
"i have broken your heart, tae"
taehyung smiled, making a tear roll down his eye which he wiped off instantly.
"there you go, you finally acknowledge"
"tae-"
"i don't love you anymore"
bogum's heart ached. it ached so bad he wanted to scream out in pain. the funny part was he knew it all along, yet hearing it made his entire world collapse. really, what has he done.
his hands shake as they try to hold taehyung's one across the table but taehyung is on time to take it back before he could as he looked him in the eyes. eyes that were shedding tears.
"it's not my fault is it?"
"no tae, no it's not. it's never your fault" bogum wiped his tears but they won't just stop as he sat by the edge of the chair. his legs trembling and he knows he can't stand up right now.
"it's mine. it's my fucking fault. i have done this to you" bogum exhaled, his emotions overwhelming him. taehyung pondered if bogum had been suppressing his tears until this moment, judging by the way they seemed to be constricting his throat.
taehyung feels bad. not only for bogum but for him too, for them both- and for jungkook. he feels so bad.
"why? i always wanted to ask you. what was the reason you broke my heart to pieces? just why?" taehyung sobbed, he didn't want to but he just feels so weak, so vulnerable.
bogum blinked his tearful eyes and sniffed, he shook his head aggressively and tried to wipe his eyes again but the damned tears won't just stop.
"it's n-not your fault! it's not! i. . . i. . . i don't know why i did that. . . i fucking don't know" bogum sobbed, frustrated with himself because he had no explanation.
taehyung wondered, so he went through all that for nothing. he was raped by his own husband and his husband doesn't even have any reason to act in such a way.
a chuckle left his heart-shaped lips before he stood up from the chair making bogum look at him with reddened eyes because of the tears.
"i'm sorry, i don't think i can do this right now" he tried to walk away but bogum stood up with wobbly legs, holding onto the table to steady himself. his heart hammered in his chest when he called out for the brunette.
"taehyung!"
he turned his whole body towards him and waited, with tired tearful eyes.
"i'm sorry"
"are you?"
"i am. i am tae, i am so sorry. i don't know what i should do with myself. please help me tae, please tell me what can i do to make things better" bogum begged with his voice, with his eyes, with his body language and taehyung just didn't know what to say.
make things better? wasn't it what he wanted? wasn't making things better the reason he broke jungkook's heart?
make things better.
"what can i do to make you love me again?"
make himself to love bogum again.
now this was even harder. so hard it made breathing difficult for him as taehyung looked up and blinked his tears away, lips parted as he tried to inhale and exhale which came out difficult to do too.
"i don't know, i don't know anything bogum. i'm just as lost as you" taehyung said through tears, clutching his chest as he squinted his eyes from the pain taking over.
everything hurts so bad.
"are. . . are you thinking of. . ." bogum didn't want to say it aloud. the words on the tip of his tongue stung him enough.
"divorce?" taehyung finished. bogum's heart dropped. so taehyung did think about it.
bogum's feet moved on their own as he walked to taehyung sluggishly, his legs wobbling and he didn't know if he could make it to taehyung who just stood a few feet away from him. taehyung watched bogum walking toward him before stopping a few inches away, hands lifting in the air to hold him but hesitating to actually do it.
bogum was afraid. of so many things and right now, he was afraid of taehyung.
"you have actually thought about it?"
"is it really surprising that i have?"
"tae, tae, tae no no no, you. . . you. . . you won't-"
"we hurt each other bogum. all the fucking time, we hurt each other"
bogum wants to say no, he wanna oppose but taehyung was so right. he did hurt taehyung so bad but was taehyung hurting him? no, he didn't think he was. but taehyung knows, what was he doing behind bogum's back and that is indeed called hurting someone.
bogum just doesn't know yet.
"let's try to make things work, yeah? please? please tae i can't live without you. . ." bogum cried, tears rolling down endlessly.
taehyung bit down his lip and looked away. this time bogum slowly raised his hands and touched taehyung's face which made the brunette flinch away. bogum took back his hands, cursing at himself for losing his cool yet again. the terror in taehyung's eyes from the familiar touch made it so clear,
taehyung was so traumatized by him. he really messed taehyung up.
"i'm. . . i'm sorry i. . . i didn't mean to touch you-"
taehyung took a deep breath, gave a nod, and stepped back, nervously rubbing his hands.
stop thinking. stop thinking. stop thinking.
he chanted to himself. he can't be this scared because of his husband touching him, it was never like this with jungkook. but he knew, it was never like this with bogum either until he fucked it up. it was solely bogum's fault, or was it?
noticing the mess he made out of taehyung just from touching him made bogum cry even harder. he was now crying like he had lost someone dear - he did lose taehyung, he did. and he couldn't accept this fact and wanted to repent. but not by losing taehyung, but by gaining him back again.
but could he anymore?
when taehyung's heart belonged to someone else already.
"calm down. we can talk later" taehyung breathed out, eyes trailing over bogum's face, which was swollen from crying so much.
"when will the later come tae? you're just trying to avoid me" he weakly gasped out while sniffing. wiping his tears he also took a step back creating more space between them. they felt so far, so distant.
"i'm not. just. . . just give me some time"
bogum sniffed and wiped all his tears that now seemed to have stopped before he stood upright and looked into taehyung's eyes with hesitation. "i know i'm in no position to ask you anything but still, will you answer my this one question tae? please?"
"what?"
"you said, you don't love me anymore. . ." the words burnt bogum's tongue to even utter but he did regardless and continued with the heartache,"it's because of what i had done to you that night right? that's the only reason right?"
it fell silent again and this time, taehyung clenched his fists and sensed his heart racing. he had never really thought about it. was bogum forcing himself on him the reason he fell out of love. . . or-
"there's nothing else right tae? it's just us, isn't it?"
us. there was no us with bogum anymore. it wasn't just them now. there was someone else involved, just the way he told jungkook. it was three of them now.
but could he say the truth? after brutally breaking jungkook's heart? then all that would be done for nothing in that case.
"yes. it's just us." he lied.
bogum had a small smile starting to form on his lips, but he quickly wiped it away. there was no reason to be happy, especially after what he had done to taehyung.
"i still love you tae. let's restart, yes?"
he couldn't say no, nor could he say yes so he let those words hang in the air until bogum had to speak again.
"sorry, i sound impatient don't i?" he chuckled bitterly, disappointed with himself for asking that so early when taehyung hasn't even forgiven him yet.
"feelings don't change so soon bogum" taehyung's deep voice made bogum lock eyes with him once more, and god, taehyung's eyes were just filled with so much sadness.
"but when they do, getting them back to what they used to be isn't easy either. and it's true, i don't think i love you anymore, i don't feel that kind of emotion"
bogum's heart shattered. he was sure it did. he had tears in his eyes again but this time he couldn't let them fall, he had shed enough. he didn't think he had the right to anymore. he had no right to hurt after hurting taehyung so much that the brunette ended up losing all feelings for him. it wasn't just fair.
"but, we can give it another try. for the sake of old times" taehyung smiled sadly, old times he says. the time that meant literally everything to him. really, how could he throw it all away?
a moment of silence ensued, as bogum's emphatic nod conveyed his overwhelming desperation.
"yeah, let's give it another try."
later, they lost their appetite for dinner, so they tidied the table and went to sleep, even though none of them managed to get any.
𖥻𖥻𖥻
taehyung knows he gave bogum another chance. but it wasn't really like anything had changed. he was still mostly ignoring him and bogum didn't seem to say anything about it. it was clear he was cautious around him and taehyung appreciated that. talking or even facing bogum wasn't easy and he was stressed enough so he would really like some time alone to himself- which he has gotten quite a lot.
he saw jungkook so little. sometimes, when he would return from work and see the raven head getting on his bike and riding away. on certain days, they would make eye contact, and initially, jungkook attempted to talk to him. however, taehyung would dismiss it with a slight smile and then go inside his house.
sometimes, when he stands by the window, the same window that led him to become so captivated by the raven head, he catches a glimpse of him. it seems as though there is some kind of connection between them, because whenever he looks at jungkook, jungkook immediately returns his gaze, as if he can sense his presence. their eyes would meet, and taehyung is the one to break the eye contact first, looking away before moving away from the window.
at first, jungkook texted him a lot, asking how he was, if they could talk and all that. taehyung never replied and jungkook eventually stopped.
a few days passed, and jungkook stopped appearing at all.
he couldn't see him on his way back home, he wouldn't stumble upon him on the streets, and not even by the window. he would always see the curtains down, the room dark.
jungkook was never at home.
it seemed as though jeon jungkook had disappeared.
from his life.
taehyung's eyes searched for jungkook again when he was returning from work, but the raven head's tattoo shop was closed and when he returned home, he saw the lights of his house were off too, indicating he wasn't at home.
where the hell was he?
"why are you curious, you wanted this" taehyung muttered to himself once he unlocked the door and entered.
it was already past eight and bogum still had not yet returned home. probably working late again, no big deal. taehyung wasn't even fazed by it anymore, so he didn't really dwell on it and had dinner early. once he finished eating, he took care of the remaining chores and since he had nothing else to do, he headed to his art room and started doodling and painting. he made quite a few pieces, but none of them really met his expectations.
he let out an annoyed grunt and got up, checking the clock which showed it was around 12. soon enough the doorbell rang and taehyung went to answer it, finding bogum on the other side who entered as soon as he made room. bogum greeted him with a tired smile and loosened his tie.
"i'm sorry, work is overloading again so it got late" he let out a tired yawn and stumbled over his own socks as he was taking them off, clearly exhausted.
"it's okay, you don't have to explain yourself" taehyung closed the door and walked in. "you want me to heat your food?"
"no it's alright, i ate at office"
"okay then. i'll be going to sleep now"
"goodnight tae." bogum didn't fail to give a small smile despite being so haggard and the brunette contemplated for a second before smiling back just as small,
"goodnight"
when taehyung felt bogum getting on the bed after showering and changing clothes into pajamas, he didn't think he'll be just sleeping like that.
after that night, bogum makes sure to put pillows between them since taehyung seems uncomfortable being in the same space as him. bogum did offer that he could sleep in the other room if he wants him to but taehyung refused to that, saying pillows would do enough work.
so, tonight when bogum kinda tipsy climbed into bed and just plopped down beside taehyung without bothering with any pillows, taehyung glanced at him, who had his eyes closed.
"bogum-"
he could hear him snore softly. bogum was fast asleep.
biting down on his lips, he turned to his side again, giving his back to the asleep male and tried to fall asleep himself. he has a pillow between his legs but it wasn't enough, he tends to cuddle in his sleep but he doesn't want to cuddle bogum as there weren't any pillows between them.
soon enough taehyung had tripped into sleep as well. all his guards down.
while a pair of eyes watched him.
jungkook watched him, through the window. he parted the curtains and stared ahead at the opposite window, their bed clear in sight.
"no pillows today?" jungkook muttered to himself, chugging down on a can of beer- never taking his eyes off the room.
the very room where he last shared an intimate moment with taehyung, where he held him close, kissed him repeatedly, turned him into a moaning mess, and made him confess his love.
and in that very room, he now was with someone else.
the sight irks his eyes but he watches them regardless. however tonight, it's a different sight. there were no barriers between them. their bodies can touch any minute and jungkook just hopes they don't. he wouldn't be able to bear the sight.
a few minutes passed and he leaned against the wall, keeping his gaze fixed on the two men who were deep in sleep, backs facing each other.
after a few more minutes, jungkook was getting bored of watching the same scene. nothing was happening, and he was all out of beer. he figured he'd stop watching for the night because he knew taehyung wouldn't do anything with bogum. he absolutely can't stand being touched by him, so it's obvious nothing will happen between them.
maybe jungkook had jinxed it.
because something totally unexpected happens right after, it catches jungkook off guard and he becomes completely frozen in his tracks.
he should have left when his beer ran out, he should have walked away after a minute of watching them because the sudden change in their sleeping posture leaves jungkook numb.
with a keen gaze, he observed taehyung's gradual movement, witnessing him shift his position to face bogum's back. shuffling closer, he eventually settled by draping one leg and hand over the male's body, nestling comfortably in the crook of his neck.
"no, no tae fuck that's not me. that's fucking bogum!" he whisper yelled and he should be actually yelling to make taehyung awake because the brunette clearly was asleep and had no control over his body. but he didn't yell, he couldn't create a ruckus, just yet.
as he impatiently tapped his foot against the soft carpeted floor, his movements abruptly ceased as a remarkable sight unfolded before him.
it appeared as though bogum, whom he initially thought was fast asleep, was actually awakening, who cast a quick glance towards taehyung.
in an instant, jungkook's eyes widened with a surge of fury when he saw the other male intentionally rotate his body towards taehyung, drawing him closer by gently cradling his head with one hand and enveloping his entire frame in a tender embrace.
and now, taehyung and bogum are fucking hugging each other to sleep.
all while, jungkook watches them with a burning heart.
then he saw the movement of bogum's head which only means one thing, he kissed taehyung's top of head.
jungkook's heart burnt further.
"fuck stop touching him! fuck fuck get off him!" jungkook slightly yelled this time but it didn't reach them. he doubts even if he yells taehyung could wake up from it. he knew taehyung is a heavy sleeper and him yelling might just gain bogum's attention because that guy was awake. and he doesn't want to seem like a pathetic loser to bogum and give him the satisfaction he wants.
"fuck!" jungkook muttered to himself as he walked away from the window. the sight was just too much for him to handle.
he has seen them do it all - fuck, kiss, you name it. and even though it hurt, jungkook kept his composure. he has witnessed everything there is to witness, but nothing compares to this.
this feels like a healing stage for the two men. it feels like bogum trying his best to gain taehyung back and jungkook is scared shitless because he remembers taehyung saying he wants bogum to change, he wants to give him another try.
and if this goes on, jungkook would be completely out of his life- if he wasn't already.
"FUCK NO!" he shouted really loud this time and smashed a vase close to his hand against the wall, shattering it into pieces.
he didn't even think twice, his feet just moved on their own and he reached for the drawer next to his bed. he brought out a packet of a white substance called cocaine.
he made a messy line on the surface of the table and leaned his head down, snorting all of it in through his nose.
he fell on the floor against the bed frame and threw his head back, sniffling all of it in. and this was supposed to make him high and forget what he saw but it doesn't, it only made the scene all too clear in his head. as if he was presented in the room. not only that, but it burns the back of his throat and chest. he isn't sure if it's because of the cocaine or the pain he was feeling from everything.
so he made another line and snorted it in, this time his head getting dizzy before he feels light. he threw his head back again, rubs at his nose with his cocaine-dusted fingers and smiles.
"oh fuck" he chuckled, he giggled and then the next moment he feels tears whelm in his reddened eyes.
but he doesn't cry. instead he laughs.
"shit, did i lose you tae?" he took a pause and bite down on his lips, trying his best to not cry but a sob escaped his pierced lips as he whispered,
"again?"
𖥻𖥻𖥻
a week passed by.
taehyung was unaware that he had ended up hugging bogum in his sleep, as bogum woke up before him and left for work. he never discovered that he had shared such intimacy with the man he was afraid to allow to touch him.
things didn't get better between him and bogum. they were still not talking and mostly out of each other's sight because of work.
and jungkook was nowhere.
taehyung hasn't seen jungkook in so long, that he was starting to feel anxious. he just hoped the raven head was alright, both mentally and physically.
since he hadn't heard from jungkook at all.
until that one evening,
taehyung gets a text from jungkook.
jungkook:
hyung, you need to see this.
━━━━━
it's about to get intense ;)