paige
present september 2022; narrative + article
I fucked up, majorly. It's been weeks since I last saw Jules, when her gorgeous eyes filled with tears. At first I felt fine. I felt like it was the right decision for me, until I finally reached a major turning point in my recovery. I realized that it wasn't anyone's fault, not even my own so me stomping on everyone around me was just me being an ass.
I pushed everyone away. My girlfriend, my family and my friends until I started to do my rehab. I realized people were just trying to help me. They wanted me to be at my best and be healthy whether that be on or off the court. That's all Jules wanted for me too. I'm surprised she stuck by my side through all the harsh comments, or even when I would ignore her. All she wanted was to help.
I started reading the books Jules always told me about. I found the Kobe Bryant quotes she tried to use to inspire me. I talked to my teammates who went through the same injuries. All the good ideas she had that I just crushed in front of her.
Jules never showed up to practice after that day, I mean technically she wasn't expected to but when classes started we all figured she would. I hadn't even managed to steal a glance at her in between classes. It's like she just disappeared. And her ignoring us led to the team interrogating me, and believe me when I finally spit it out they all started yelling. Some of them still haven't talked to me. I understood their frustration. Jules was an angel. Everyone loved her and we all grew to love her like family. When we got together I was warned not to fuck up because of how protective they grew over the girl.
I knew they went to check on her, and even hung out with her. I didn't expect them to pick sides but what killed me is that they wouldn't tell me anything about her. No matter how much I pleaded to know how she was doing they wouldn't budge. I deserved it. I made a choice.
Every night my finger dangled over her contact, just wishing to hear her voice. I wanted to apologize to her and tell her all the things I never got to. All the things I pushed aside because I was angry at the world. I didn't want to be taken away from basketball, the thing I loved most but I was and I took that anger out on the one good thing in my life. She was the one stable thing. She cared about me, it didn't go unnoticed by anyone how much she looked after me once I got injured. I noticed, I never thanked her for it.
I never got to tell her I loved her. It sat on the tip of my tongue all the time. I wanted to say it but I was scared. I was scared to mess things up with her but now I managed to make it worse. I pushed her away, far enough that I can't even think of how to fix it. What if I've lost her forever? I couldn't be mad if I did, I couldn't believe I managed to walk away from her that day.
When I walked out I stood by the door for a few seconds, already regretting my decision. I heard her sobs and I felt sick knowing that she was crying because of me I promised myself that I would never make her cry. Not only did I make her cry but I walked away from it too, I let her cry.
It was her 21st birthday, yes she was a month older than me. I planned to spend the day with her. Making her feel special the way she deserved to be. The necklace I had gotten her months ago was collecting dust in my drawer. I couldn't bring myself to look at it. I couldn't even bring myself to wear the sweaters of mine Rose had returned for her. I didn't wash them. I cherished Jules' perfume on them until it started to fade.
I became used to sleeping with Jules by my side, and nights without her felt like hell. I stared at my ceiling wondering if she was also struggling to sleep. I held my hoodies that she stole close to my chest just so it felt like she was there, so I didn't have to live in the reality of the mistake I made.
"Paige, I'm heading out." Azzi stuck her head into my room. She was dressed nicely, like she was going out. I knew where she was going. Jules was going out, she was having fun on her birthday like she deserved.
"Are you going to see her?" I knew the answer to my question already. I just didn't want it to be true. The day I planned to spend attached to her hip was now one I wasn't even welcome at. I didn't blame her, or my team who didn't tell me about the plans. She deserved to have a good day and if me staying away kept her happy then she deserved that too.
Azzi sat down next to me, putting her hand on my shoulder. I tried to bottle my emotions up. It felt like I had no reason to be upset. I made the decision. I walked away from her and yet I cried into my sweaters every night craving her touch.
"It's not too late to fix things Paige." My heart broke. I hurt Jules once. I couldn't bring myself around her again. I couldn't look her in the eyes without wanting to kick myself. She deserved better. She deserves someone who wouldn't break her heart and I did. I never deserved Jules.
I stayed silent, just wishing Azzi would leave. I hoped she wouldn't be late. It wasn't fair to Jules to be late on her birthday because she was comforting her stupid ex that didn't deserve any comfort at all.
She took my silence as an answer before getting up and walking away. I heard the front door shut, meaning Azzi left. I stared at the ceiling. How different would everything be if I was just patient? If I knew how to control my emotions? Would I still be holding the love of my life in my arms now?
Maybe Jules would've noticed my flaws by now and went running the way she should've from the start. I thought I was good for her, that I could be good for her but I wasn't. I hurt her and I could never forgive myself for it.
The only reason I started becoming more serious about my recovery was Jules. She came here almost eight times a day just to help me and I pushed her away. She gave me things to do, good ideas and I just rolled my eyes at her. I made her feel small, something I never wanted to do to anyone. I did to her what I would've killed someone for doing before. If someone had made Jules cry I would have done anything to protect her from them but it was me. I made her cry. I had to protect her from myself.
I needed to distract myself so I didn't find myself on her doorstep begging to be let back in her life. I finally got cleared to do 'chair workouts' which is basically any basketball stuff while sitting in a chair. I couldn't bring myself on a court for a while. Even when I was desperate to play. I focused so hard on the sport that I lost the girl I love. Eventually I couldn't stay away from basketball. It made me happy to feel the ball between my hands. Every corner of the court reminded me of her. The times she sat and watched, how she cheered but looked around confused. Where we almost kissed for the first time, where we did eventually kiss. Everything revolved around Jules.
I found myself on my usual chair in the middle of the court. I dribbled the ball between my legs, going faster than I should've, causing me to lose control and the ball to roll away. I limped to grab it and continued on my chair. I didn't even notice Geno come up behind me.
"Keep doing that and you'll pop it." He laughed, pulling up a chair next to me on the court. I loved Geno, even if he was scary sometimes he really just wanted the best for all the girls. He became a father figure for all the girls while we were here.
"Do you ever feel guilty about a choice you made?" The question slipped out. I knew I could confide in Geno but I was scared to even mention me and Jules. If I spoke about us breaking up that meant it was real, and I couldn't handle a world where she wasn't mine.
"Of course I have." I didn't look at him, staring at the ball between my hands.
"How do I make it go away?" I didn't even realize how desperately I seeked help from someone. I was lost without Jules and I didn't know how to navigate my own feelings while protecting hers.
"You have to make it right. That doesn't always mean it will go back to normal but it will give you enough closure to sleep at night." The eye bags under my eyes were noticeable. Even how puffy they were all the time. I figured no one noticed, or just blamed it on the injury.
"I don't know how to. I think she's better off without me, I hurt her." I finally admitted my sudden questions had to do with Jules. I wanted to make it right. I wanted to be able to see her again. I understood that she might not forgive me, or even ever want me back as more than a friend but I couldn't stand not being in her life. Even if that meant watching someone else make her happy, as much as it would kill me atleast I would be lucky enough to be around her.
"The right people always find their way back to each other. Even after mistakes and arguments. If you and Juliette are meant to be together then you'll find each other." With that he got up, walking back to his office and leaving me to my thoughts.
If me and Jules were meant to be then we would. I could be better for her. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. I could prove to her that I've grown, fuck I'd do anything just to get her to smile in my direction. I'd find my way back to her when I was ready to be the person she deserved.
The idea made me smile. Being enough for her one day. Being able to control my feelings and cope in healthy ways that didn't hurt anyone, or push anyone away. Have her by my side through all of it. It sounded like a dream, like the one I'd been imagining to put my mind to sleep since we broke up.
I got tired of dribbling the ball between my feet and decided to head back to the dorm. It was late now, fully dark outside and when I walked back into the dorm Azzi was standing in the kitchen. When she saw me walking in she bolted towards me, searching me up and down until she found my phone. When she did she started pressing buttons, I couldn't see what she was doing but she seemed focused, almost nervous.
"When was the last time you checked this?" She asked, looking up at me for a second, still holding my phone in her hands.
"A few hours, why?" I tried to grab my phone out of her hands but she dodged me, still holding the phone tightly.
"I need to prepare you. It's not what it looks like at all. He was there and they were just being friendly. He's a big name so the paparazzi followed and caught them looking really weird so I just need you to know now before-." I cut her off, grabbing the phone and looking at what was opened.
'UConn basketball star Jay Stetson seen out with women's basketball team and Juliette Bronson, photographer for the women's team'
I pressed on the article, my heart almost racing out of my body. Of course Jay came running back to Jules the second he found out, god when I see him I'm going to kill him. I scrolled past the words only wanting to see these pictures Azzi was so concerned about me seeing.
My body froze when I finally landed on them. He looked happy, finally getting an in on her life. But she looked happy too, like she wanted to be around him and his gross arms.
I closed my phone, turning it off and setting it on the counter before walking into my room. What was I expecting? The most perfect girl to just walk around single, waiting for me. That was crazy. Maybe this was a sign that Jay could give her what I couldn't. Jules was the constant in my life while Jay was the constant in hers. He was there for her all the time, even now on her birthday putting a smile on her face. She deserved happiness and I just failed to give it to her. I couldn't take it away now because I was selfish. In my world I wanted her all to myself. I wanted to never let her go because of my own needs but I couldn't meet hers. I never gave her the life I always wished for.
I flung my drawer open looking at the jewelry box that was almost mocking me. I opened it, the gold chain with a 'P' hanging from it laid there perfectly. I thought of the idea when she rambled on and on about this Taylor Swift song, something about his initial on her neck because he really gets her. I wanted that for her. I wanted my initial to dangle from her neck because I knew her better than everyone, because I was her person the same way she was mine.
I wanted to throw the necklace across the room but I couldn't bring myself to, instead closing the box and setting it back down. I didn't really know her the way I thought I did. She knew me in and out because she took the time to. She always cared to get to know me.
Now I was beyond conflicted. On one hand I craved Jules. I needed her. She was my happiness. She was the reason I woke up with a smile on my face. I wanted to do better for her, to be better for her. I wanted to win her back and treat her right this time. On the other hand, I was a selfish jerk. I made the mistake. No one but me. I treated her poorly. I broke up with her. I deserved to live with that. I couldn't just waltz back into her life because I realized how badly I messed up.
If only Paige a year ago could see me right now she would be punching me. How could you fumble the girl you wanted since the first moment you laid eyes on her?