A/N: I've been feeling angsty lately? Not sure why. Also I'm sorry that the first two chapters that are like plot-important are both really heavy, but it's because she had it very rough for a while at the start of their career and predebut.
TW: body image issues, extreme dieting, v*miting, anxiety, mentions of disassociation. I think that's all? Tell me if I missed anything plz
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Pressure.
It was the one thing Love had always felt all her life. Even before becoming an idol, she was familiar with its heaviness. The weight of her family's name on her shoulders; the expectancy to do well first, look good second, and be human last.
So even after learning she was going to be the only girl in the group, she knew she could handle it. When asked if she wanted to change her name or use her birth name, she'd answered immediately against Dasom.
"Why?" Hoshi had innocently asked. "It's unique." She grimaced, shaking her head and brushing off the question. No, she would be Love. Just far enough away from her real name, just close enough to what she wished it meant.
Being the only girl, she knew that her visual was extremely important. It was why she'd been placed in the performance team instead of the vocal team, when her and Woozi were still figuring out their positions. Being a main dancer gave her the chance to show off her "feminine charm" and remind everyone why she was their "hidden treasure."
Burdensome? Yes. But again, she was used to the pressure.
The others noticed her difference in attitude as they got closer and closer to debut. She was more focused and driven, but also less bright. It was if she'd sacrificed her personality for the ability to produce, and produce, and continue producing until she would pass out.
And while yes, everyone was feeling the panic and anxiety of their debut date coming up, no one was quite handling it the way she was. She spent every waking moment practicing, and her sleep was cut to 3-4 hours a day. And she kept going.
S. Coups approached her about it one day. "I know you're practicing to make sure everything is perfect," he assured. "But it's becoming a bit much, don't you think?" She shrugged it off, mumbling about a move she needed to clean before leaving the conversation.
He didn't want to put her on the spot, so he let it be. The last thing he wanted was to push her further away when she'd already put up a wall between her and the rest of the world.
What he didn't realize—and how could he, when she'd never told anyone? Was that she needed the pressure to keep going. She needed to feel the weight, the anxiety, the overwhelming fear to push herself harder and harder. She had to be perfect, she had to be...enough.
She was entering the bedroom to change her clothes one morning when she accidentally walked in on a call between Seungkwan and his parents. "Sorry," she whispered, closing the door and waiting restlessly in the living room for the bedroom to be free again.
"It's open," Seungkwan finally called. "Sorry, my parents were just checking in and they can tend to drone on for a bit. I'm sure you know how it is." She laughed stiffly, the smile not reaching her eyes.
Mindlessly, she threw on comfortable clothes, pausing to stare at her stomach with slight satisfaction from her weight loss. Not good enough, not yet. But getting there.
Another week of practice. The company continued to check in on her visuals, making notes about where she still needed to improve that struck her brain like darts.
S. Coups continued to check in on her, and each time, she pushed him away. The others also noticed her behavior, trying to include her in on jokes and games during their breaks, but she only ever offered a forced smile before leaving to practice more on her own.
Her eyes were cold nowadays. The cute glimmer that used to be there long gone. Dino especially missed it—he missed her, his best friend.
"Hey," he called, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Do you wanna eat together later?"
"Diet," she curtly answered, removing his arm and taking a drink of water. His smile faded.
"Fine."
She watched silently as he walked away, knowing she should feel something; guilt, regret, sadness. But she couldn't. Her emotions felt so far away, like a whisper from across the road. Brushing off the thought, she turned to face the mirror yet again, practicing once more.
It had been two weeks now since Seungkwan's phone call with his parents. Despite herself and the fact that she knew it was pointless, a small, helpless part of her wished hers would call too.
She shoved that part of her deep down, locking it in its cage and pushing it to the back of her consciousness.
Vernon was the next to call her out.
They were in the middle of practice and Love had been ignoring the raging stomach pains she'd had all day, until she couldn't.
"Shit—move!"
Abruptly, she ran to the bathroom, barely closing the door behind her before getting sick for nearly thirty seconds straight. Tears had spilled from her eyes, not from sadness but from the extreme discomfort in her chest from heaving for so long without a breath.
She gave herself two minutes to collect her thoughts, catch her breath, clean up and go back to practice. Only, Vernon immediately grabbed her by the wrist, not letting her go even when she pulled away.
"You just threw up your guts, why are you trying to practice again? Take a break at least."
"I'm fine," she insisted, not bothering to try and smile. Her eyes were harsh—it made him flinch. Still, he didn't waver.
"You're pushing yourself too hard, just take a—"
"—I told you I'm fine! Why are you trying to pull some 'big brother' act?"
"Hey!" Seungcheol interjected, coming between them. He glanced at Vernon, his heart aching at the younger's hurt expression. Vernon wasn't the type to get angry, just sad.
Love, on the other hand, looked like she still wanted to fight him. "He's just worried about you. There's no need to be so hostile." She scoffed at the leader's words, running a hand through her hair and taking her place again.
"Love," he said, his tone much more stern. Instinctively, she flinched. Jeonghan caught the action, placing a hand on Seungcheol's shoulder before he could continue to scold her.
"Just let it go for now," he whispered. "There's something else going on, you're just gonna make her more upset right now." Reluctantly, Seungcheol called the others back to position so they could continue.
She wasn't surprised when Jeonghan approached her the next morning at the dorm. No one else had dared to, but that was fine by her. She wasn't much for talking nowadays anyway.
"Can we talk?" he asked, though his tone showed she wasn't really being given a choice. Sitting beside her, he took in her physical condition for a moment. Her cheeks seemed smaller, her skin paler than it usually was, and the dark circles under her eyes deepened every day. Yet she still had the energy to glare like there was no tomorrow.
Both jolted with surprise when her phone rang. Her eyes went wide as she checked who it was—apparently fear wasn't one of the emotions she'd been able to lock up. Wordlessly, she exited the building to take the call.
"...hello?"
"Dasom, what is this I'm hearing from my coworkers? That company you're under. They're debuting a boy group?"
"Y-yeah, it's called—"
"—I don't care what it's called." Love breathed in shakily. "You're supposed to be training there so you can debut. Are you just slacking off?"
"Of course not, mom! I'm w-working really hard here..."
"It's been over a year now and you still haven't shown us results. You never even call us. Do you realize the impression we get now from others? Our daughter off under some company doing god knows what instead of—"
"I'm debuting!" she finally interrupted. "I'm with the boy group, Mom. We're called Seventeen."
There was silence. The calm before the storm.
"You've got to be kidding," her mother spat. "Dasom, you're our precious daughter. You're not some toy to be used by some boys! We didn't let you go to that company just for everyone to view this family as having some slutty daughter in a boy's group! You have an image to uphold. You know that. You know better than to have allowed this."
Love swallowed harshly, feeling the lump in her throat grow. "M-mom," she almost whispered. "It's not in my control, and they're not just some guys, they're my friends!"
"I don't care," she cut off. "To the world, you're the girl surrounded by boys, and everyone will only think one thing. You know that. Our only child is going to be famous as a slut, how do you think that makes us feel?"
She wasn't able to withhold the tears that were spilling now. It was too much, too painful to hear not only herself, but her friends talked about that way by someone who was supposed to love her unconditionally.
"You were meant to be a blessing, Dasom," her mother sighed. "You know our standards. Meet them." The call ended.
Love merely stood there, head hung low. She clenched her fists until it hurt, using the pain to push back the flood of emotions that threatened to penetrate the walls she'd built.
Force it back. Push it away. Let the numbness overtake you.
And she did. She pushed it as far as she could, shoving it down. Locking it away.
"Love, I don't care what you say, you're eating right—whoa, whoa, whoa!"
Dino.
He'd seen her outside alone and decided he'd had enough of her cold attitude toward him. He approached her intending to force feed her a meal if he had to, but he'd never expected her walls to crumble right before him.
She had literally crumbled to the ground, hands clawing at her head which rested on her knees as all the work she'd put in over the past few weeks to shove down her feelings paid her back ten times over.
She felt everything overwhelmingly.
Disappointment.
Anxiety.
Guilt.
Regret.
Pressure.
And then, for the second time that week, she was running to the bathroom and getting sick. She hadn't even been able to get the door closed that time, and a small part of her thanked god the bathroom was even unoccupied.
"Love!" Jeonghan and Seungkwan exclaimed, hopping out of their seats and pushing past the others stood still in shock to get to the bathroom.
Dino was back inside shortly after, his face pale with concern as he listened uncomfortably to her puking sounds. "What happened?" Seunghceol asked, placing a hand on Dino's shoulder.
"I-I don't know! I just went out there to try to get her to eat something and then she was on the ground sobbing and now she's in here!"
Meanwhile, Jeonghan was holding her hair out of the way, Seungkwan rubbing her back until it seemed her stomach had emptied itself of what was basically water. The younger grabbed some toilet paper, wiping her mouth before throwing it away.
Jeonghan removed her from the toilet so it could be flushed, wrapping one arm around her back and placing his other hand on the back of her head so it leaned on his torso.
"Deep breaths," he cooed, modeling the actions. She did her best to copy, her body still shaking uncontrollably. "That's it, sweetheart. You're doing so good." Her brain couldn't seem to stop spiraling, even as her body began to physically relax in his hold ever so slightly.
He continued whispering encouragement in her ear even as he heard the slight commotion outside the bathroom, undoubtedly the boys worrying about her. "I'm sorry," were the first broken words that spilled from her lips, her voice croaking.
"Aigoo, you don't need to apologize," Jeonghan immediately consoled. She shook her head, sniffling as she pulled him significantly closer, squeezing him tightly as if she was afraid he'd leave.
"I do," she hiccuped. "I hurt Dino, and Vernon, and Coups Oppa, a-and—"
"Shh, shh, don't worry about those things yet. Just focus on me." She nodded solemnly, letting herself relax fully into his embrace. It was the first time she'd been physically affectionate in almost a month, and her heart ached with how much she'd missed it.
He let a comfortable silence hang between them, filled only with her sniffles and occasional hiccups. She pulled away after several minutes, wiping her tears and reflecting on the past couple of weeks with a much calmer mindset.
After deciding that she needed to talk to everyone and begin to let down her barriers again, she glanced up at Jeonghan. "Thank you, Oppa. Really." He offered her a reassuring smile, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead that made her feel like she was melting.
"Do you wanna get out of here?" he asked, jokingly reminding her they were still in front of the toilet. She let out a watery laugh, nodding. He helped her up, leading her out of the bathroom hand in hand.
She'd been afraid that she would be asked a million questions at once, so she was grateful when they let her exit and take a seat on the couch with relative silence. "Here," Vernon said, handing her a water bottle. She thanked him quietly, taking a small sip.
"Jun is making chicken soup," The8 mentioned, offering a small smile. "It's easy on the stomach, so it should help you feel better."
She hummed, nodding ever so slightly. She took a moment to collect her thoughts before speaking to the room. "I'm sorry, everyone. I've...been holding a lot in and taking it out on you guys. That isn't right."
There was a heavy silence before Seungcheol finally spoke up. "Honestly, I don't think anyone's really thinking about that right now," he started, his brows furrowed. "Rather than being upset with you because of arguments here and there, we're worried because we could tell something was going on and didn't know how to help."
The boys nodded in agreement. Love sighed quietly. "You couldn't have helped me because I didn't want to be helped. I just..." She bit her lip, feeling her walls begin to close in. The idea of being vulnerable was still difficult after practicing for years to hold it in.
She felt a hand on hers, and saw Dino offering a small smile. "It's okay," he mouthed. Love took a deep breath, letting the bricks come down and allow her members in.
"I...I'm not gonna share my whole life story, but ever since I was a kid I was taught to maintain this image of perfection. Get good grades, smile, be number one." She swallowed harshly. "I was the only child my parents had, so I carried all of their expectations and their reputation. I still do."
Love squeezed Dino's hand harder, her head hanging as she felt it hard to make eye contact with her members at the moment.
"And then I came here, and I love being with you guys and having this opportunity, but it's like living with my parents all over again when I think about being the only girl member and maintaining this visual and this—this idea of who I should be," she confessed.
"There's no room to be a little under pitch, or slightly wrong in a dance move, or a bit heavier than other female idols. There's no room to breathe. I just...shut down, I guess. I didn't even feel like a person anymore. Like I couldn't access my emotions, even. I was just a trainee and nothing else.
And-and then my mom called, and she just—"
Despite herself, tears were falling again, her voice catching in her throat. Dino was holding her now, fighting his own tears. He'd always been a very empathetic person, after all.
"She made me feel like shit," Love spat. "And it was just the final straw. I felt so much pressure and I thought I could just carry it all like I'd done before, but I couldn't. I'm sorry."
Seungcheol was the first to speak up, crossing the room and kneeling in front of her. "Baby," he started, catching her by surprise. He'd never referred to her in such a personal way before. "None of us would ever expect you to carry everything alone. We're a team. We support each other and we help each other when things get rough."
The boys all gave sounds of agreement from around her, most either teary-eyed themselves or offering small smiles. Seungcheol's thumbs came up to wipe her tears, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear gently.
"We're not like your parents either," Woozi reminded. "If something is wrong, tell us. If you don't feel well, tell us. I'm not saying you have to tell us everything, but don't feel like you can't tell us anything."
Her eyes watered again. "I don't know if I've ever been this supported in my life," she mumbled, falling forward into Seungcheol's arms and wrapping her own around him tightly. "Thank you isn't even close to enough to express how I feel right now."
"You have thirteen people to rely on for the rest of your life," Joshua assured with a sweet smile that brought a flush to her cheeks.
"I hate to ruin the moment," Jun cut in suddenly. "But your soup is done and I don't want it to get cold." She let out a small laugh, thanking him as he handed it to her.
They took the day off, relaxing for the first time in a long time. Her heart was still heavy, but felt just a bit lighter now that she'd finally let someone else carry some of the pressure with her.
"You really don't have to do this," Love mumbled that night as Jeonghan continued to pull blankets over her.
"You're our baby, of course I do."
"You didn't tuck in Dino."
"Dino didn't let me," he argued, pulling up the final layer before humming with satisfaction. He leaned in to press his lips to her forehead softly, and she could smell his shampoo. "Alright, goodnight. I love you."
They both froze for a moment, Jeonghan's ears burning at the tips uncharacteristically. He opened his mouth, seemingly to apologize when she removed her arms from under the blankets, pulling him into her embrace.
"I love you too," she whispered, cursing herself internally as a tear fell for what felt like the hundredth time that day. And in that moment, both their hearts were melted together permanently.