So I drank.
Sip one, relieving.
Sip two, liberating.
Sip three, freeing.
I needed the burn in my throat. It was the only thing that, in that moment, would settle the thoughts that ran rampant through my mind.
But I had no idea it would make me do what I was about to do.
Two Days Later
I was staying with Caitlin and Lia. I had, really, nowhere else to go. I thought about Steph but she would've stressed me out a little too much. I did contemplate Beth as well, but I knew I needed the comfort that a long-time friend like Caitlin could bring me.
But when I truly think about it, comfort was not something I was about to experience. I fucked everything up; I knew it and so did she.
Lia and Caitlin drove me to training, but I hid away in the physio room hoping no one would see me. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt as if my life had been falling apart around me. I thought I had built my castle, and I wanted more than anything to be the princess and to have found my soulmate. But castles crumble, and my castle certainly was.
I was in the physio room, while the girls were outside training in the March mist, working to get my leg back to full health. I was still hoping for the Man City game, to be back, and that gave me just less than two months. I knew I could do it. I hoped I could do it.
My back was turned to the door when I heard a voice.
"Hey," the northern accent said, and I turned around to see Beth walking in, ready to start her own rehab.
"Hi," I replied, standing up ready to head out.
"Don't be stupid," she said, grabbing my hand. "Just sit down." Beth had always been strong minded and there was no point going against her.
"What?" I said, not wanting to make eye contact.
"What is happening?" she asked. "Leah said you haven't been home in three days, and that-"
"Beth..." I said, wanting this conversation to end. "Just leave it, please."
"Are you okay?" Beth questioned, once more.
"Truth or lie?" I asked.
"Whatever would make you happiest," she answered, honestly.
"I'm okay," I replied, lying. "I promise."
I walked away, wanting to leave Colney as soon as I could. If I ran into her, my life would shatter. I knew it would. I had to stay away. She wanted to be far from me, and I had to let her. I couldn't hurt her more than I already had.
I had spoken to Eden a few times over the past couple of days. She had been the person I was confiding in, solely because normally it would've been Leah and before Leah, Finn. But now, I had to find my new people as it seemed everyone else was either leaving me or I was leaving them.
I caught an Uber back to Lia and Caitlin's apartment, settling into their spare bed with a piece of vegemite toast and a cup of tea. I got my laptop out but was soon distracted by the notification that had popped up on my phone.
TRIAL DATE SET: FINNIGAN JONES SET TO FACE TRIAL JULY 18TH, TWO DAYS BEFORE SISTER, TIPPAH JONES, BEGINS WORLD CUP CAMPAIGN
I threw my phone on the ground. It smashed, shattering into a million little pieces. I would need to rectify this situation, but in the meantime, going phone-less wouldn't hurt, right?
"We're home," Caitlin called back. She normally did this, to make sure I knew there would now be people in the house. She didn't expect me to answer. I soon heard two knocks at my door. I knew it wouldn't be Caitlin as she has no trouble barging in, even if I'm fast asleep.
"Can I come in?" a voice said, and I recognized it straight away.
"Come in," I said, sitting up. It was Steph.
"Hi," she said, coming beside me and sitting on the bed.
"Hi," I answered.
"What's happened?" she asked. "Why are you here?" I looked down, not wanting to speak. Not wanting to confront the issues I had been running away from. "You can talk to me, Tipp." She grabbed my hand, as tears soon started to stream down my face.
"I fucked everything up," I said, through my tears. "I ruined the one good thing in my life."
"What are you talking about?" Steph asked.
"I tried, Stephy. I tried so hard. I wanted to be better. I thought I was doing everything right but- but- but my thoughts they- they overcame me. I can't do-" she put her arms around me straight away, holding me close to her chest as my own started moving too quickly to manage. I thought I would collapse, right there and then, but I didn't. She held me, so tight I thought my heart started slowing just by her touch. I needed this. I needed my friend.
"You're okay," she said, calmingly. "You're going to be okay."
I fell asleep and woke up alone in my room. I heard voices outside the room, and I snuck, quietly, out to the hallway.
"What did she do?" Caitlin asked, whispering softly.
"She didn't say," Steph answered. "But it mustn't have been good."
"I thought she wasn't drinking anymore," Caitlin asked.
"Neither did I. Something must've happened. Has Leah said anything?" Steph questioned, turning her attention to Lia who was sitting beside Caitlin.
"She's not saying anything," Lia replied.
"Does she know that Tipp is here? With you guys?" Steph asked.
"She hasn't asked, and I thought better than to say anything," Lia answered.
"Probably smart," Steph added. "I just- I thought everything was okay. I thought they were happy."
"They were happy," Lia then said. "I saw them, we all did. Something happened, recently. Something happened that night. But the only question is what."
"Should we do something?" Caitlin asked, looking at both her girlfriend and her friend.
"What other choice do we have?"
I soon walked away, before heading back into bed, taking a sleeping pill to calm the thoughts. I needed rest. I needed peace.
The next few days felt as if they were in slow motion. I felt every feeling. Heard every thought. And hurt every intrusion. Life felt as if it was motioning against me. I didn't know how to react to anything.
I only saw her once. She was on the pitch, and I was walking to rehab. I tried not to look but as I glanced only once, she was staring at me. Our eyes caught. There was a longing that I felt, between us both. But I soon hurried away. I couldn't deal with the pain - hers or mine or ours.
Eden kept texting me, wanting to make sure I was okay, and now that I was using an old Nokia I had found in the supermarket, it takes several minutes to reply with only a few words.
+49 456 765 838: how r u today?
Tippah: fine
+49 456 765 838: im assuming the lack of words is the nokia's fault. Should i call?
Tippah: tn? 7?
+49 456 765 838: okay!! Love u!
Tippah: ly
"It's looking good," the physio said to me.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah, honestly, we may be able to get you out there a little earlier."
"Really?" I asked, one more time, not believing him. If there was one thing pushing me through this whole ordeal, it is the idea I could be back on the pitch. And if that's soon, I wouldn't be able to contain my happiness or excitement.
The new plan of attack was the Tottenham game. It would give me the opportunity to help the team in the second leg of the Champions League semi-final, in which we drew Bayern Munich. They were going to be hard, but we were all glad it wasn't Lyon (I was particularly happy).
Viv was with me when I heard the news. She smiled the whole time and hugged me afterward.
"I'm so happy for you," she said to me, as she was doing her own exercises.
"Thanks," I answered.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Everyone keeps asking me that," I laughed, trying to move the past question.
"I think everyone is worried," she answered. "About you and Leah." The Dutch honesty was nice for a change. I sometimes hated how much people beat around the bush.
"Yeah well... I'm not too sure what to say." She looked at me, slightly frowning.
"Something needs to be done Tippah. You know this. I know this. You can't do this to yourself or to her. Be the big person here, own up to your mistakes, and make an effort."
"But-"
"There are no 'buts' here, Tippah. If something has happened, go and fix it." I looked at her, before nodding my head.
"Yeah, okay," I said. "Viv, thank you." I stumbled out of the room before returning with Caitlin and Lia.
Later that evening, I accidentally missed my scheduled phone call with Eden as I was walking ever so slowly to my old apartment. I knocked twice even though I had a key. I was standing on her doorstep. Her long blonde hair covered her shoulders. It had been nearly 10 days since we last spoke. 10 days of hurt. 10 days of grief. 10 days of regret.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry for everything. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you." She looked at me, emotionless. It was as if the life had been drained from her eyes. I saw no spark. I saw no electricity. I just saw her, but not for who she was but rather for who she was not.
"Tippah-"
"No, please. I didn't mean to-"
"Then what did you mean to do? I have stood by you, through it all. I was here for everything, through everything. I don't know what more I could've done or should've done."
"There was nothing," I said, softly.
"I can't do this if all I will ever get out of this is hurt and heartache."
"But, I love you."
"And you think I don't love you?" she exclaimed. "I love you more than anyone I have ever loved before. You have this hold over me. I would have done anything for you. Absolutely anything. I would've and have looked over every single red flag that has come my way because I love you."
"I'm sorry," I said, once more.
"You can't keep saying that because nothing is going to change. You did what you did and I'm sorry, but, I need to stand up for myself."
"I just-"
"Tippah, no. You hurt me. You hurt me." There was now a glimmer or pain in her eyes as a tear fell from her face. I wanted more than anything to go up to her and wipe her tears. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to say sorry again, and again, and again.
"I'm sorry."
"You have to stop. You need to stop. I keep playing that night in my head, over and over again. I keep seeing you lying there. Vomit spewing out of your mouth, confessing every single thing that you did. The drinking. The lying. Everything. I just- you don't need me, Tipp, you need help."
"I have a problem," I said, vulnerably.
"I know you have a problem, but I can't fix it for you. You have to do it yourself."
"I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I did all those things to you."
"I'm not sure you are," Leah said.
"I am," I replied, insistently. "I know I'm the villain. I fuck everything up. I always do."
"Tippah, do not victimize yourself here. Do not do that. You're the one that went out and cheated. You can't keep victimizing yourself. Own up to your mistakes." She looked around to see if anyone was outside. Thankfully it was dark. "Look, we will do what we have to do. I am your captain, nothing is going to change in that respect. I will talk to you when I have to, and you can come to me when you need. But other than that, leave me alone. I don't want to see you right now."
note:
- yeh sorry queens but come on we all knew it was coming...
- anyways GUESS WHO GOT INTO A CAR CRASH ... yep me (the dumb bitch writing this)
- i genuinely think that im scared to go back in a car (and I WILL NOT BE DRIVING FOR MANY MANY MANY weeks (maybe months))
- also this bitch (yes me) is now 19!!!! i feel so old and also the age taylor was when she dated j*hn m*yer and i feel weird.
- anyways, live laugh love <3
- SIDE NOTE ALESSIA TO ARSENAL FEELS WRONG but also love her <3