Atlas
"Excuse me, visiting hours have just ended." The old lady at the front desk of the hospital stopped Forest and me in our tracks, standing up from her seat and pointing a finger at us. We pause, both of our gazes finding each other. A silent conversation passes between the both of us, making us smile, clearly trying to hold back our laughter. I wonder if he knows just how much his smile means to me. I wonder if he knows that every time he smiles at me, it's lighting a pathway out of the darkness that looms over me. He's my escape. He's my world. He's my everything.
I am so fucking in love with him, it almost isn't healthy. Loving him is easier than breathing. In fact, it's better. I crave it, and I couldn't stop myself from falling for him if I tried. Even if I didn't want it to be, loving Forest Gray is inevitable. No one can stop it, especially not me.
"I'm here to see my father. I'm family." I tell the receptionist, reluctantly tearing my eyes from Forest's beautiful green ones.
On the way here, Forest told me about his talk with Athena. He helped me see a different perspective on my father's condition, and I no longer blame him for being absent. We all had to grieve my mother, and I think that subconsciously, I was just jealous they didn't endure what I did. That makes me feel guilty.
I also feel like a hypocrite. I was so angry at my father for being absent, that I didn't realize I was doing the exact same thing; dissociating from my problems so I don't have to face them. I should've been here, at least for Athena. She deserves that much. I feel guilty for worrying Forest as well. If the tables were turned, I probably wouldn't have been as understanding. But it's not a secret that Forest is a much better person than me, and he deserves the world.
"And who is this handsome fella?" The lady asks, smiling at Forest. My Forest.
"My boyfriend." I say without hesitation, disgusted that this old hag has the nerve to flirt with someone clearly too young for her, especially with someone that is mine. Trust me, I know my boyfriend is hot, and I appreciate that very much. However, the amount of people that hit on him is unacceptable.
The Hag's mouth drops open, and I almost tell her to close it before she catches some flies. She's looking at us as if we're animals in a zoo, disgust clear in her expression. In my peripheral, I see Forest's head whip towards me, shock written on his face.
"Just, uh, go on up. I guess." She mumbles, turning away from us and sitting back in her seat. It's almost as if she can't bare to look at us any longer. I guess that's one way of keeping old ladies from thirsting after your boyfriend.
"Did you just call me your boyfriend?" Forest says in the elevator, and I freeze. Shit. I didn't even think about the fact that he might not want to make it official, that maybe I just forced that on him. I definitely should've had a conversation with him, made it all special. He deserves that. Fucking shit. I might have just ruined everything.
"Yes, but if that's not what you want, that's totally fine. I'm sorry for-" Forest stops my rambling by placing his finger on my lips.
"It's exactly what I want." I smile, then bite his finger to make him laugh. He does, and I smile harder. He's perfect for me. My boyfriend is perfect. "I guess you're just stuck with me forever now, huh?" He says, taking his hand and placing it in mine.
"You're stuck with me, Forest, I could never be stuck with you."
Just when I thought things couldn't get better, I was proved correct, because things just got a whole lot worse. I see nurses running in and out of my fathers room, a complete shit show in front of me. My sister is sobbing, demanding to know what's wrong with our dad. The cherry on top? Forest is witnessing all of this. I can't have one good thing happen to me without it blowing up in my face.
"What's going on?" I ask Athena as I pull her into my arms, holding her to my chest. "What happened?" I say again, my heart pounding.
"He.." She tries to say in between sobs, her whole body shaking in my arms. "He woke up, and.." She looks at me then, and I can't tell if I see horror or hope in her expression.
"And what, Attie? I need you to tell me, okay? Just try." I rub my hand down her pale arm, trying to bring her comfort. I'm so bad at this, and I need to be better, I just don't know how. I'm barely an adult myself, why is it that I have to grow up so fast without any idea of what I'm doing?
"You should've seen it. You should've seen the way he looked at me." She sniffles, tears running down her pink cheeks. "He looked different, Atlas. He looked alive! His eyes weren't hazy or distant like before."
"Don't get your hopes up. We don't know anything right now, let's just go sit in the waiting room and wait for them to tell us what's happening." I tell her softly, walking her to the waiting room when she gives me a nod of approval. I send Forest an apologetic glance, hoping he's not already planning on running for the hills.
I've already destroyed his life enough. Between figuring out his sexuality and loosing all his friends, bringing the drama that is my family into his life is not needed. In fact, it would be incredibly selfish of me. I should let him go, make his life easier. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but everyone is right about me. I'm nothing but a troublesome freak from the wrong side of the tracks, I don't belong at that school and I never will. But I won't let Forest go, because my list of faults is already long enough that it wouldn't matter tacked selfish on there too.
It feels like an eternity of foot tapping, sighs, and fidgeting before a doctor comes and finds us. In reality, it's only been an hour, but in this place, an hour can cost you your entire life. These chairs are uncomfortable and loud, the leather squeaks every time someone adjusts their position. Other people are around us, either staring or drowning in their own sorrows. One more minute in that godforsaken waiting room and I might've exploded. The urge to just get up and leave my problems behind running through my blood, an old ugly habit I can never seem to shake.
"Are you Atlas Hart? The son of Jeremiah Hart?" How do I say 'duh' politely? I just nod, eager to get this over with. He's going to tell me that dads awake and ready to go home, he just seems a little tired. He isn't tired, he's in shock, but no doctor has ever seemed to understand that. "Something very interesting has occurred with your father, a condition like no other. This is something we've never seen before."
I want to scream, to yell at him to just get on with it and stop fabricating whatever he's going to say. My fists clench, trying to keep the little self control I have left in tact. Forests hand lays on top of mine, calming me down enough to say, "What happened to him?"
"It appears that prior to his heart attack, he was in a state of shock." Which is what we've been trying to tell the doctors for years now. "Our guess is that it was the cause of heartbreak, which is why he had a heart attack breaking out of his shock, sending him into a coma."
"Well? What's wrong with him now?" My voice was a little harsher than I intended, but I'm tired of the play by play. I know what happened, but no one else believed me, and them telling it to me now like it was their discovery isn't exactly amusing.
"He woke up from his coma shock-free, perfectly fine and healthy. However, he seems to have no recollection of the last seven years." The puzzle pieces connect, and every broken piece of glass aligns. Of course. He's pretty much been in a self induced coma ever since mom died. It's not because he no longer wanted to take care of us, he physically couldn't.
"So you're telling me the coma just magically fixed him? That you think he's better now and everything will just go back to normal? That's fucking bullshit!" So much for keeping calm. I don't know what made me overreact like that. Maybe it was the realization that I've been blaming my father all this time for no reason, or maybe I can't stand being in this fucking hospital any longer. The doctor flinches, clearly taken aback by my sudden aggression. Forests hand flies from mine, my warmth and the slight common sense I had left leaving my body. I shoot up from my seat and storm out of the hospital. I can't be in there anymore, I don't know what I might say or what I might do.
I can't stand the hospital. I can't stand people telling me things I already know. I can't stand people telling me everything is going to be okay when it's not. I'm going insane, and everyone already thinks I am. I just wish I could have a break from all these responsibilities I'm not responsible enough to have. Red hot unjustified
anger courses through me, burning my skin.
Here I go, doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do; leaving Athena to deal with everything I should be dealing with. Leaving her to bask in her emotions alone. I know what that's like, and I never want her to have to experience it, she deserves better. But I'm scared I will just make it worse. I don't have control over my emotions right now, and I might say something or do something that can hurt everyone, so it's best if I remove myself from situation. It's a shitty thing to do, but it's better than the alternative.
"Hi." Forest's deep voice says from behind me, somehow calming my anger a smidge. I don't understand how he's able to do that. I turn around to find him leaning against the wall beside me, looking like everything I don't deserve. Sunshine and happiness and everything beautiful. He's smiling sadly, giving me that look that tells me he's worried about me. He cares about me more than he should, I'm not worth it.
"I'm sorry." I murmur, leaning my head against the brick wall, wishing the cold would soothe the headache I'm sporting right now.
"Don't be sorry. You're dealing with a lot right now, a lot more than you should be, it's okay to have emotional outbursts. It's normal, Atlas." He says, and I shake my head in response, about to protest before he beats me to it. "Do you understand me? What you're dealing with isn't normal, but your emotions? They're always valid, and don't let anyone tell you they're not." I smile weakly at him, letting his words sink in, calming me down completely.
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me either, I'm just telling you what everyone else should've been." He says, taking my face in his hands and running his thumbs across my cheeks. "We're in this together now, and I want to be there for you for every step of the way. Every reaction you have to things, every random outburst, every mood. I want to be there."
"I want you to be there." I grab his wrists and lean closer, feeling lost in his sparkling green eyes. I could drown in them if he'd let me. I kiss him, because I can't contain myself when his lips look that delectable. Red and puffy, soft to the touch. His breath is minty, but also a hint of something so uniquely him that drives me to the brink of insanity.
He moves his lips with mine, kissing me with the same intensity. It has me wondering if he's feeling what I feel. Desire rushing through my veins, butterflies deep in my stomach, my heart thundering wildly in my chest, my breath deepening. I bite his bottom lip, slipping my tongue in his mouth when he gasps, creating the perfect opening for me. Our tongues dance, tracing each other to the perfect rhythm. My hands roam his body, trying to have every inch memorized, because how could I forget something so special? So important? He feels magical, like he was made just for me, every thought of my fucked up life exiting my mind.
"I love you." I tell him when we reluctantly come up for air, if I could never breathe again, I would. If I could survive solely off of him, and nothing else, I would.
His eyes snap open, looking surprised and slightly dazed. Shit. Fucking shit. Did I just ruin it again? Is it too fast to be saying such things? We did just become official not even two hours ago. I don't even know what love is, I've never really experienced it before, I just know that this is probably the closest I've come to it. Whatever I feel with him, it definitely resembles what I think love would feel like. I just hope he feels the same.
"It's okay if you don't feel the same, or you don't want to say it back. I just thought you should know that, because you never know when you'll be able to-"
"ti amo di più." He says in Italian, his accent becoming more prominent. I have no idea what he said but that was really hot. I tilt my head and smile at him.
"I really hope that means I love you too, because that would be really awkward if it doesn't." I say, making him laugh. Gosh, that just has to be my favorite sound on the entire planet.
"It means I love you more." He tells me softly, smiling really hard, and I'm sure my expression now mirrors his. Warmth runs over my entire body in waves, a never ending supply of happiness filling me with even more adoration and love for this man.
"There's no way you could love me more than I love you, it's literally impossible." I rest my hands on his chest, loving the way his eyes light up every time I say the word love. If only he knew.
"You're wrong. It's definitely the other way around."
"It is not."
"Do you need me to prove it to you?"
"Be my guest." I kiss him again, harder than before. He moans in my mouth, giving me a chance to slip my tongue in again. I think that takes the cake for my all-time favorite sound. Though I do still love his laugh fondly, just like I love everything else about him. He bites my lip, a deep groan escapes me, a sound I didn't even know I could make. I feel him smile against my mouth. "Let's go inside, dipshit. The doctor wasn't done telling us about your father before you had your dramatic breakdown." He jokes with me, playfully punching my shoulder.
"I knew you thought it was dramatic! You're a dirty little liar, my love." I punch him back, the both of us going back and fourth, stumbling into the hospital. The sounds of our laughter drowned out my nerves, and I feel that I'm ready to take on whatever comes at me next, because I'm sure that he will be right there beside me.
I'm starting to think that maybe, everything might just be okay.
07/9/23