My Uncle Raymond was well-liked in my town. He was a hard worker who helped his friends out when he came up. Many people are at his funeral, even the Kims. When Mi-Sun and her kids came to the U.S., my uncle offered her a job and a place to stay until she got back on her feet. He truly had a big heart.
I can't believe I have to live in a world without him. I let my tears slip down my face and kept my focus on the descending casket, despite the unrelenting feeling of a pair of eyes on me. Tyler and Kayla both came to the funeral, together. They have a lot of nerve showing up to my uncle's funeral after they did me dirty. I try to ignore their stares and focus on mourning my uncle. My aunt is by my side trying to seem strong, but I know how much this pains her. She's been with him longer than she's been without him. How do I console her when they made plans to grow old and die together? The grief makes my body feel empty, numb. I grab her hand and let her squeeze it until I can feel again.
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I walk around the room, greeting guests and cleaning the empty plates that lingered on the tables. Since I left France, everyone has been texting me to make sure I'm okay. I know they have good intentions but I can't be bothered to reply. "Mora," a soft voice calls. It's a voice that I haven't heard in a long time. A voice that gave me comfort during a dark time. A voice which resembled a woman I regarded as a second mother for so long.
I turn and am met with the dark brown eyes of Mama Kim. I don't even know if I should hug her or run away from her. I'm not given a chance to choose before her arms wrap around me. "I'm so sorry dear." Warm tears flow down my cheeks as I hug her back. It's been so long since I've seen her and I've missed her so much. "Come," she says as she leads me to a quiet room hidden from curious eyes. "I'm so sorry. Your uncle was a great man. He will be missed so much," she tells me. Things I've heard from about twenty people already, but I know that it's sincere coming from her lips.
"How have you been? I heard that you went to France to study abroad," she asks. Although I broke up with Tyler a couple of months ago, I haven't talked to Mama Kim in a year. She's been abroad for a while. First, she went to South Korea to visit her youngest sister who got married. Then, she took a trip with her boyfriend. They island-hopped the Hawaiian islands and had a great time. She arrived back in Atlanta a week after I left for France.
"It's so much fun. My studies are going well and I've made a couple of friends, too. I got a job at this high-end modeling agency called Merin," I say. "I met this amazing guy there. He's so sweet and caring, but I feel like it's too soon to make things official."
"Kimora, you need to stop denying yourself happiness. You're young. If you like him and he likes you, I don't see why you two can't make it official," Mama Kim says. I nod in agreement. Honestly, Jacques is an amazing guy and I really like him. I think I should try out this boyfriend-girlfriend thing with him.
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After talking for hours, we decide to part ways but not before Mama Kim reminds me to reach out often. My body is worn out, I decide to respond to the texts I've received and facetime Jacques.
rrring...rring
"Hey, Kimora. How are you? I didn't mean to blow up your phone, but I've been so worried."
"I'm.. feeling a bit better. Still sad, but I know my Uncle's in a better place. I'm grateful that you cared about me enough to check up."
"Yeah, it's no problem at all."
"So how are things going?"
Jacques talks to me about what everyone has been doing. My mind drifts off to the assignments I have piling up each day I decide to rot in bed. I can't help but feel a little numb. Hollow. My uncle was my world and now that he's gone, I don't feel like myself. It's like I'm outside of my body watching a shell of myself assume my place in the world. When the memories of him fill my mind, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with grief. I can feel my throat close as the first, the second tear drops.
"Kimora."
"Hmm," I try to breathe through my mouth so my throat unclenches.
"We don't have to talk if you want. We can just be on the phone together. Tell me what makes you feel comfortable, love."
I sniffle a bit before composing myself. "Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks Jacques."
He nods and I change into my pajamas and get into bed. "I'd like to hear you speak. It'll give me some comfort."
"Of course. I'll bore you with stories of my childhood in the country."
I chuckle. "I'm ready to be bored."
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I don't know at what point in Jacques's story I nodded off, but I know it led to the best sleep I've had since my uncle passed. I'm grateful for him and my friends. They've constantly checked up on me and reminded me in subtle ways that I'm loved and missed. I talked to my parents and decided to head back to France in a week. I wanted to stay longer in Georgia, but the school year abroad ends in three months. I think going back and resuming my normal activities would help me cope.
I spent the week in the house with my siblings. We watched old home videos and played board games. I haven't seen my older sisters, Kami and Katia, in a while. They're eight and five years older than me and moved out of state when they got married. My younger brother, Kameron, is in boarding school practically all year. This is one of the few times a year that all of us are in the house together.
"Kimora, we're going to the store to get some snacks. Do you want to come?" Katia calls.
I glance at the time on my phone. It's 5 pm. Gosh, I've spent all day in bed again. "Coming," I respond. Although I look a hot mess, I want to spend all the time I can with my siblings. Katia leaves tomorrow. Kami the day after that. Kameron stays a bit longer since he's on break. I race down the stairs and get into the car.
"Where we going?" I ask.
"Probably Walmart. Kameron and I wanted chips, but Katia wants a pizza," Kami answers.
"Ok. Are we still watching The Lion King tonight?"
Kameron nods. He's grown since I last saw him in August. I get a little sad as I think about how two out of four of us no longer live at home and soon we won't see each other so often.
"I love you guys," I say sappily.
"Eww, Mora. Stop acting cringy," Kameron gags.
I slap his head. "I am not!"
"You kinda are. Why are you acting like that?" Kami says.
"I don't know. Just thinking," I say.
The drive to the store and back home is quick. Once we all settle into the living room, we start our movie. We're all on the same couch packed like sardines, cuddling each other. I smile. I feel like a kid again. I feel whole again. I feel truly happy for the first time in a long time.
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I decide to get up early today. I get dressed and put in my earbuds. The air is still cool and perfect for a jog. I run for five miles before I stop to catch my breath. My body stills when I realize I subconsciously ran to Tyler's neighborhood. I'm about to turn on my heel when Tyler walks out of the house swinging his keys in his hand. His eyes widen when they meet me. My body freezes when he calls, "Mora. Don't go we need to talk." My mind flashes with all the horrible memories of what we used to be. I decide then that I can't let him lower my defenses again. I turn and jog away. "Please! Can you talk to me?" I ignore him and continue to jog. He catches up quickly and grabs my forearm. I hiss and pull away. "Don't touch me!" I yell. He backs up a bit with his hands raised. "Okay. I'm sorry."
"You should be," a long pause fills the space before I ask, "What do you want to talk about?"
Fuck. I'm so stupid. I should be yelling at him. Hitting him. Cursing him out. For all that he has done to me.
"First, I want to say my condolences. Your uncle was a good man."
I don't want to respond to him, because the mention of my uncle made my eyes water. So I settle with a sharp nod. "Is that all?"
"No. Um. I want to apologize for how I treated you during our relationship. It was wrong. I loved you. Still do. I'm sorry for how I've hurt you physically and mentally. I know my words won't take back the hurt. But I still want to say I'm sorry."
"I don't forgive you." I can tell my words have shocked him. Tyler's used to a kinder version of me who would take his half-assed apologies after he hit me with his harsh words and fists. "You have done things to me that a man who claims to love me would never think of. You don't love me. You love to control me. You love to put me in my place when I stand up for myself. You don't love me."
"I do, Kimora. I love you more than myself. Baby, forgive me. I promise I'll change. I'll be the man you deserve. Let's give us another try."
I look at him with wide eyes. He can't be serious. I glance into his eyes. They always told me everything about his emotions. When he's relaxed, they are soft. When he's angry, they are hard and dark. When he's lying, they have a soft glint in them. I've had to walk on eggshells with him for the last year of our relationship, which is why I feel I know him more than myself at times. That's how I know that he is lying, not about loving me. But about changing. Tyler is a narcissist. He doesn't love anyone except for himself. He takes and he takes. He won't change because he truly doesn't see the fault in his ways.
"No. I'm in a relationship. I don't want to talk to you ever again. I want to be happy," I say.
I step back when I notice the glint leave his eyes. It's replaced by a hard darkness. There he is. I think. There's the real Tyler Kim. He takes a menacing step forward. "Kimora. Stop playing with me. You are the first and last woman that I will apologize to. France got you feeling yourself? You think you're better than me? You must be feeling higher than thou because a French model wants you, huh? He's toying with you because you are easy. Only I love you," he grits out.
"Fuck you, Tyler. I hate you and never want to see you again. We are done forever." I jog away proud of myself for standing my ground. I've never been able to do that in the entirety of my relationship with Tyler. I'm halfway down the street when I hear him shout, "We'll never be done, baby. You're my girl. Mine."
I brush off his comments and turn unto the main street.
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"Ooh my baby. Be safe, please. Call me when you land and get back to your apartment. Okay?" my mom says. A week has passed by so fast. I found the energy to complete my missed assignments and pack for my trip back. My parents and Kameron came to see me off. "Okay. I will." I hug my dad and then Kameron. "Study hard, Kam. I'll see you soon."
"'Kay. Bye, Mora," he says. I grab my bags and head for TSA. I wave at my family. I continue to wave until they've left my sight. "Boarding pass," the TSA agent says. I hand it to them along with my passport. "France. Nice. Who are you visiting over there?" they ask. I smile and respond. "I'm actually studying abroad. But my boyfriend lives over there."
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Woah. It's been a hot minute. It seems like our girl, Kimora, is ready to start something serious with Jacques. Already claiming him as her man. I'm excited to see what comes next!
Quick side note: I've had the first part of this chapter in drafts for a long time. I was hit with extreme writer's block plus school's a bitch. I struggled with writing Kimora's grief since I hadn't experienced loss like her's before. Then I lost my grandmother over a month ago and felt those feelings. I was able to describe what I've gone through through Kimora in a way. I'm doing better now and believe that pouring some of my emotions into writing will help me.
Since, the last chapter I actually starting writing another book that I'm going to keep private for now. I planned for Shot of Espresso to be a short book and not take too long but it has been about two years since I started it. I plan to complete it before publishing another book.
Also, so much has happened in the world since the last chapter. I don't like having Timothee as the MMC anymore due to his stance on the ongoing genocide in Palestine. Therefore I will change his character's fancast or remove it completely and leave it up to the reader's imagination. Let me know what you all would prefer.
Thanks again for reading!!!
~Y