I couldn't stop reliving the talk I had with Syre. Thinking about what I had learned, he dropped an enormous bomb on me and then the truth finally clicked.
I couldn't believe it...or at the very least I didn't want to but the more I thought it over the more everything made sense.
So here I was sitting in the cemetery in the middle of a thunderstorm, staring down at this woman's headstone. Feeling beyond betrayed.
My whole life has been one big lie. The breath in my lungs, only possible because Syre was taken advantage of.
"You tortured him his whole life and you lied to me about it. You lied to me about who I was. Who knows what else you lied about..." I said out loud as if I was being heard.
Thunder rumbled above me as it began to rain, reverting my straight hair back to its messy curls as the raindrops hit my head. I didn't bother pulling my hood up.
"Made me believe you were a good mother. A good person. I swear if you were alive right now, I'd kill you myself."
Lightning cracked above and I jumped at the sound. Standing up and I laughed, picking up the sledgehammer I had dragged with me to the cemetery
"You don't deserve this memorial."
Lifting it, I swung it smack center against the headstone, sending a crack up the middle.
"Loving and Doting." I laughed to myself. "What a load of bullshit."
I swung again from above, taking a chunk out of the corner. I couldn't contain my tears and I swung again. I kept going until tears blurred my vision and I was sure the headstone was pure rubble in front of me.
I heard footsteps behind me but I ignored them, I just kept letting out my anger.
"Yo what the fuck!?"
Ignoring what was cleaning Syre's voice behind me, I dropped the sledgehammer and started kicking the rocks out of my way.
Syre snatched me up quick and lifted me off of my feet.
"Get off of me!"
He carried me away from the site and set me down out of the grass.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Getting rid of this fake shit." I tried to push past him and he snatched me up again.
"Nah....we gotta get you outta here before the police show up and arrest yo ass.
"Let them."
"You'on want that. Trust me. Prison ain't fun." I looked up at Syre, raindrops running down his face.
"She deserved this. She deserved to die." I said quietly.
He didn't speak, he only turned around and walked back to the plot. Grabbing the sledgehammer in his hand and walking back over to me.
"Ima take you home." He mumbled, leading me back to his car.
::::::::
"I really didn't want you to know." Syre said nonchalantly as we sat in Auntie's living room.
I laughed to myself. She isn't even my aunt. She's my Grand-Aunt.
"I needed to know the truth." I told him while I fixed my eyes on the floor. I listened to him sigh and I posed a new question. "So where's my real mom?" I questioned and he shook his head with a shoulder shrug to match.
"I never saw her again after you were born."
"And you were how old?"
"Eleven." He sank deeper into the couch and folded his hands in his lap.
I couldn't believe it. I'm a product of this...abuse.
"So what now?" I asked, not giving him a glance and keeping my eyes on the floor.
"I don't know, I didn't plan this being a discussion or something you would have to live with."
"What do we tell people?"
"Not a damn thing." He said quickly. "I'm not ready to tell anyone else, to explain the complex situation of how you're my daughter. I relive that shit every time I look at you and I just....I'm tired of reliving it. I don't even wanna speak about this shit with Shamira or D, so don't bring it up." He said firmly.
I frowned to myself and licked my lips, letting out a soft sigh.
"So....just act like we're still brother and sister." I said, not really asking.
"Ain't no other way to go about it."
"Does Auntie know, I ain't Shannon's?"
I finally looked up at him as he sat across from me. He was also avoiding looking at me, his head was turned to the right and he stared at the wall.
"She knows you were adopted and she knows what happened to me, but she doesn't know about us. Nobody does and we're gonna keep it that way."
His phone buzzed on the coffee table and he reached forward, grabbing it quickly. Staring at the screen he cursed to himself and answered.
"I fuckin forgot." He rambled quickly. ".....I know, something came up.....Ima be back soon.....nah, no I'm coming right now yo. Just let me finish what I'm doing......alright......yes...yes Sib, I'm fine." He said, rolling his eyes. "Okay...." Hanging up the phone, he sighed and rubbed his eyes gently.
"I gotta go."
"So you and Sybil are messing around?"
"Why are you so worried about it? I heard about the shit you be saying to her and it's really not your place."
"I care about Sybil and I don't want her getting hurt in your crossfires. You're back dealing in the streets, I'm not dumb. You're a convicted murderer and let's face it you're just plain mean. She has a business and a reputation and she's a good person."
"And despite all that, ya girl likes me. So stop with your speeches and let her do what she does. You the kid here. Not the other way around. She knows what I did, she knows why I was in jail and I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm not that great of a person. That's now breaking news."
"She knows you killed our.......your mom?"
"I didn't say she knew the details, said she knows why I went. Listen, whatever me and Sibyl got going on.....it's something I don't understand yet, I've never had anything genuine in my life but I feel right with her. I spent a long fuckin time with Shannon, and then I went to jail. I ain't have shit real but when I'm with her, I feel safe and I ain't never gon do no stupid shit to put her in harm, Alexis. Trust me on that."
"You really like her, don't you?" I asked softly.
"I don't know what I feel.....I really don't. She claims I do...so whatever."
I laughed and shook my head.
He stood up and cleared his throat, stretching his arms out.
"You think you'll ever be able to look at me and not feel it?"
"Feel what?"
"Disgust."
He chewed his bottom lip and shook his head softly. "I don't know. That's not something I can answer. It's gonna take time."
"Would it help if I cracked jokes?"
"You've never been funny so probably not."
I let my mouth fall open and I scoffed. "I'm funny."
"Nah."
"Whatever, pops."
He stale faced me and I pressed my lips in a line.
"Not funny. Like I fuckin said." He made his way toward the front door and I followed behind him.
"Can you unblock my number now?" I asked him.
"Damn, you are blocked ain't you...." He asked with a smirk before laughing.
"Ha Ha." I rolled my eyes.
"I'll unblock you. But don't be blowing my shit up." He opened the door and stepped outside on the porch.
"I won't." I stepped outside as well and twiddled my fingers. "Can I have a hug?"
He looked back at me like I was weird and I laughed. "Am I pushing it?"
"Nah.....I just expected you to be mad with me."
I frowned a little and shook my head. "I can't be mad with you. You didn't do anything wrong. Besides, even before I always wanted a bond with you, you were never letting it go down. Never let me touch your toys, I couldn't come into your room."
"You don't know what I went through for those toys. So nah." He mumbled, causing me to frown deeper.
I knew Syre was...angry. I always did but now knowing the truth he seemed less angry to me and more broken.
"Well, we'll get there one day, right?"
He nodded before turning around and walking down the porch steps. "See you." He said without looking back or saying goodbye, as usual.
I can't believe that he's my father...and I can't talk to anyone about it. I wish Tyler Perry would stop writing my life...
Her apartment door opened and I looked down at her as she stood there in her signature shorts and tank top. Looking up at me with those big brown eyes.
"Hi." She said smiling.
"Wassup." I stepped up to the doorway and wrapped my arms around Sybil. She giggled and tossed her arms around my shoulders. "My bad I forgot."
"It's okay. You were with Alexis so I forgive you."
She let me go and walked back into her apartment. I shut her door after I stepped in and kissed my teeth.
"You want me and her to be cool so bad."
"I may not have siblings but I still know that family is important. And she loves you so much on the low."
I sat down on her couch and waved her off. I had enough emotional talk for today.
"Yea yea. Enough of that."
Sybil stepped in front of me and sat down, making herself comfortable in my lap.
"Snyder Cut of Justice League or Black Adam."
"The fuck are either?"
"What?? SuperMan, Shazam...DC comics. Ringing a bell."
I gave her an expressionless look and she shook her head.
"Unbelievable, we're watching everything."
"I won't pay attention."
"You will, or you can't kiss on me no more. And I'm not playing no games."
"I'm tryna put a game on you right now, but you worried about some fuckin comic movies." I poked my bottom lip out while I squeezed at her thighs. She looked back at me, giggling ands rolling her eyes when she saw me pouting.
"You're a baby." She said before leaning down and pecking my lips. "We're still watching the movies."
I sucked my teeth as she turned back and grabbed the remote, sitting back against me. I tucked my face in her neck and kissed her a couple times, moving my hand from her thigh and grabbing her titty.
Nobody tryna watch these damn movies.
"Kani, you finna watch this movie."
"Press start then, ima watch." I kissed her neck again. "You smell good."
"I always smell good. Don't make me sit on the other side of the couch."
I wrapped my other arm around her and pulled her as close as possible. "You're staying right here."
"Syreeee." She whined.
"You're no fun." I mumbled into her neck.
"I'm plenty fun. Now watch with me."
:::::::::
I really hoped it didn't matter the order we were watching any of this cuz I was so lost.
"Ben Affleck can't act for shit." I mumbled.
Sybil turned around and looked at me with a shocked face.
"What?"
"You're so rude."
"He's a shitty Bruce Wayne. I snuck out to see Christian Bale's Batman when I was a kid. That's an actor. That's Batman, this? This shit is garbage."
"Oh my God."
"And whoever this is playing Joker? Bro, turn this off."
"That's Jared Leto."
"He's not good."
She giggled at me and shook her head. She kept her eyes on me and licked her lips.
"What?"
"Nothing....you're handsome."
I absentmindedly cringed and Sybil tilted her head. "What was that?" She asked.
"What."
"You made a face."
"I did?"
"Mhm."
I rested my head into the couch and chewed the inside of my cheek. "I'm not good with compliments."
"Why not?
"Things from my past."
She gave me a nod in silence and gave me a sentimental look. Ever since we got into it at Marcus, she hadn't been so forceful in trying to get information out of me. She was understanding that I would talk about it when I was ready to talk about it. Which I appreciated, not that I would say that out loud.
Even though I knew she would still be anticipating a conversation about it, and I wanted to give that to her, I just needed to know that I'd be ready. And parts of me were, parts of me weren't. Certain things I knew I could say, others I'd rather take to the grave.
"When I was younger." I began, pausing and looking up at the ceiling. "I was abused by my moms."
I felt her stir in my lap, I looked back at her and she was turning around to straddle my lap. Making us face to face without her being twisted around. "W-what...what do you mean, why—" she stumbled.
"It's hard for me to talk about it. Or confront any feelings I be having because I've just shut everything off. I ain't never really know how to. She didn't give me any real patenting....or affection. It was constant....non stop...abuse."
"I'm so sorry Sekhani." Sybil said softly, resting her hands on my shoulders.
"Whatchu apologizing for?"
"Because nobody, especially a child, should have had to go through that and I just can't...I can't imagine it."
I shrugged. "I don't want you to. Nothing someone should think of."
"Is that what you talk about in therapy?"
"Mhm, some days it's good to get shit off my chest other times I wish that muhfucka would stop being nosy."
"If he pushes and you don't want to talk then you don't have to. You'll talk about it when you're ready." She cut me off. "If you're ever ready."
"And what about you?"
"Tha same and I won't push."
I gave her a nod and she leaned forward, kissing my cheek.
"Thank you." She said as she hugged me tightly. I rested my hands on her lower back and raised my brow.
"For what?"
"For trusting me with that information."
"Just tryna show you I'm trying."
"You're kind for that, but don't think you have to on my time."She lifted her head and pecked my lips twice. "So sweet."
I sucked my teeth playfully and rested my head back into the couch.
"I'm a real nigga, I ain't sweet."
"You're sweet to me." She clarified and I smirked, licking my lips.
"That's cuz you're a vibe..."
She laughed softly. "You're always saying that when you could just simply say—"
"I like you, Sib." I cut her off with a smirk. She did the same at first but then grinned like a kid in a candy store.
"You said it." She teased.
"Don't drag it."
I sat up, holding her close to me before standing up. As usual, she fussed and shouted.
"Boy!"
"Ain't nobody finna drop you. Shut up." I chuckled.
"Where are we going?"
"To lay down."
She rested her face in my neck with an excited sigh. "Mmkay, cuddles."
"Big baby."
"You like itttt cuz you like meeee."
She was never gonna shut up now man...
I couldn't help but watch Syre as he slept, peacefully compared to his usual grumpy self. Not that I could come up with a reasoning behind it, but he did sleep like a baby whenever we slept beside one another.
Moonlight peeked into the room, illuminating his face softly. I admired the freckles that splattered across his cheeks and smiled to myself.
He really was so beautiful.
He had these long eyelashes that extended from his lids, those full eyebrows that fell into a distinct dent on his face when he was annoyed. His lips were perfectly pink, and so soft.
If you wanted to look up perfection in a dictionary, I'm sure his picture would be beside it.
I rested against his chest gently, relaxing into the rise and fall of it as he breathed.
It really broke my heart to hear that he was abused in his childhood. Anyone who could hurt their own child really shocked me and angered me. So little things have an innocence in this world, and people still crave to snuff it out.
I could just picture him as a kid, terrified and alone. I hated it. But it did explain his behavior. He couldn't trust his own mother, why would he trust anyone else at all? Why even give them a chance to have the power to hurt you...
I wanted him to trust me, be comfortable with me but I knew it would take time. It would take discussions.
I know what it felt like to be abused and while it may not have been from a parent, it still was from a person who I thought would love me. Scars like that never truly heal.
He stretched his arms out in his sleep and they wrapped around me tight. His warm body heat made me melt and I sank deeper into his body. I listened as he took a deep breath before speaking out to me.
"Yo ass should be sleep."
I laughed softly. "I am."
"'Lying hard as fuck, you're too busy staring at me and shit." He mumbled, pulling me closer.
"You're nice to look at....make me wanna jump you."
"Horny as hell for no reason."
There is a reason. Reason being, you....are....sexy."
He turned his head and dropped a kiss on my forehead. I bit my lip with a smile and nuzzled against him.
"Go to bed."
I won't lie, I could get used to this. Sleeping like this. Waking up like this. It just felt so good...
___