“Uss mitti me ladna jhagadna,
Tujhe chukar thoda theherna,
Mujhe lauta uss mitti ki khushboo,
Bus mud ja mai ab bhi yha hu”
Nandini fidgeted with her hands as she sat on the beige sofa of the waiting room. Her hands were clammy, she could feel the sweat dribbling along her spine. Her anxiety was rising, but she didn't know what else to do. There was no one else she could think of who would hear her and answer her and not hate her. She hated herself enough as it is, she didn't know if she could explain the people who knew her before the tragedy she had become now how and why that hatred had become the focal point of her existence.
"Nandini Murthy?", Nandini looked up when the receptionist called her name. The young woman who looked almost her age, gave her a warm smile, "Mam will see you now".
Nandini stood up and nodded, and then made her way inside. The room was spacious, she noticed. There was a L shaped sofa on one side, huge open windows on the wall beside it. The gentle breeze made the atmosphere comforting. And another sofa sat opposite to the former. There were two small tables beside each sofa. The one near the L shaped sofa had an unopened water bottle, a tissue box, few chocolate bars and a notebook. The one near the other sofa was bigger, but had the same emnities, plus a few pens and highlighters. Bookshelves were mounted on one of the wall, and an abstract painting hung on the other.
Nandini's eyes met Jaya's who was sitting on the opposite sofa, looking at her and she forced a smile, but older woman shook her head with understanding eyes, gesturing to the L shaped sofa. Nandini took a deep breath and sat down, taking a minute to process what she was doing.
"It's good to see you Nandini", Jaya greeted first, and Nandini looked up, the kind smile on the woman's face comforting. She nodded, hesitant and unsure of what she was here for, what she wanted to share, what she could share.
"I am sorry to pop on such short notice", she began, "I just -", she paused, blinking back tears, "I needed some help but I didn't - ", she left the sentence incomplete, Manik's words were still ringing in her ears.
"You took my music away from me Nandini"
"YOU took MY MUSIC AWAY from me Nandini"
"YOU....MY MUSIC....AWAY"
"MUSIC....AWAY"
"Nandini?", she jumped at the voice, her haze clearing as she looked up and found the older woman's wise gaze fixed on her.
"Yes I am sorry, I tend to -", she swallowed, unsure of how to explain.
"Zone out", Jaya smiled, filling for her, a knowing look in her eyes and Nandini stayed silent, not adding anything.
They both sat silently for a few minutes, Nandini trying to gather her thoughts and Jaya giving her that time to articulate exactly those, but studying her all the same meanwhile. She had taken one look at Nandini, on the beach so many days ago and instinctively knew she would need help. That was the only reason she had offered her a card and an open opportunity herself. But she wasn't sure Nandini would take that out. Most people who needed help never really are aware themselves until they are dangling down that last ledge of sanity.
Nandini too, didn't look like she was aware of how bad she was drowning. And from years of experience Jaya knew that Nandini wasn't going to even attempt to save herself until she had a push that rattled her core. Until she was just a step from falling down that ledge of her mind, and had something she needed to stay afloat for.
When her assistant had informed her of a certain Nandini Murthy waiting in the reception area this morning, Jaya realized Nandini had finally found something she needed to keep surviving for, and right now seeing the struggle in her eyes, she knew she had been right.
"I think I cost someone something very precious, and I want to help him find it back", Nandini finally spoke, holding the older woman's gaze.
Jaya maintained a calm face, and questioned back, "The precious thing being Manik Malhotra's music?"
Nandini immediately looked down, feeling a hard twist in her gut. She didn't need to ask how did Jaya know. A huge part of Nandini's identity had been being Manik Malhotra's girlfriend, and Manik was a rising star. His talent was unbound - Nandini knew that better than anyone, and given she had chosen to stay out of limelight as much as possible, which was also a necessity given she was working for government funded space research organization, not a lot of personal details about her was on the internet. Manik's PR team worked diligently to keep her name and their personal life away as much as possible.
Yet, Nandini Murthy, the girlfriend, millions of people knew about, especially after the negative publicity that had happened two years ago, due to the infamous kiss between Manik and Inaya that had gone viral, but Nandini Murthy, the astrophysicist - ex astrophysicist, she corrected in her mind - wasn't something most people knew of, apart from people of her own field.
But the last few months, despite them keeping the main issue just between them, have been another public scandal anyway. Manik Malhotra had disappeared from the face of media for six months, and their breakup rumors, most of them vilifying her for breaking his heart and ruining him - conspiracy theories by his devoted fangirls, had been circulating in the media for a while. It was a good thing Nandini had deactived her socials, or she knew the kind of colorful curses and death threats she would have been greeted with.
Hence, it wasn't much of a shock for her that Jaya had put two and two together from her vague statement. Given that Manik lived in Goa, plus him not making new music or posting song covers, and instead getting more into business after the inauguration of the new Space, was all over the news.
"Yes", she finally said it loud and heard her own words over the buzzing in her ears, "I cost him his music. I want him to get that back. Manik without music can't exist. He won't survive in the long run, he has to pick his guitar again".
"How long have you two been together?", Jaya asked abruptly, and Nandini sighed, memories after memories flooding her system - the first time he saved her precious jar of fireflies on the Mumbai Mangalore highway, the first time she saw him in SPACE, the bullying, the constant fights, the way he broke her Appa's pen, the blood from his split lip when she punched him, the day they were locked in the store room, the moment she realized how scared he was of darkeness, the slow friendship they built on the pretext of helping Rishabh and Dhruv, the day he chose her brother over his performance and she saw who he was beyond his monster persona, the way they fell for each other gradually, their friends phase, their lovers phase, the time she had to learn to live without him, the day he came back, the day he rejected her proposal, the day she rejected his proposal, their promises, the home they built, the life they lived, the child and hope they lost in between - she flinched at the last memory and her face paled, tears burning at the back of her eyelids but she remembered to answer the question, "Eight years, give and take".
"You said he won't survive without his music. May I ask why do you think that way?", Jaya asked again, her voice soft and not coaxing, her gaze trying to understand Nandini.
"Manik -", Nandini swallowed at the way his name sounded, but then took a deep breath to anchor herself, "he expresses himself through music. Without his guitar, he looses sight of who he is and who he can be. He may not be able to express through words, but he always finds or writes lyrics that can. Music is a part of his soul. I didn't -", the tears she was holding back rolled down her cheeks, "I never wanted to take it away from him, but now I have and I want him to have it back somehow".
"Nandini", Jaya softened as she stood up and offered her the tissue box, Nandini picked one with a trembling hand and tried to wipe the traitor tears away. Jaya walked back to her side, sat down and then asked, “Why do you say you have taken away his music?”
Nandini looked away, hesitation marring her features. She had come up here on a whim - an impulse that was based on solely Manik's words and the look in his eyes when he said those words, a look she knew she would never forget, but to actually share the entire mess with a stranger was a whole different tangent, she didn't know if she was ready for it.
"He told me himself", so she decided to stick to half truth, "and it wasn't like I already didn't have a hunch. I just didn't want to accept it myself".
“Do you think you understand why did you not want to accept it beforehand?", Jaya's voice made Nandini look up, but she couldn't hold her gaze this time. Her eyes floated to the window, the sky seemed as empty as her soul.
"Denial is easier. Accepting it makes everything......real", Nandini confessed, “I was possibly running away from this responsibility of ruining something more than what I already have", her voice fell to a whisper, her eyes lost.
Jaya understood the emotion Nandini was running from - she reeked of guilt even from far away. The burden of responsibility she was taking on her shoulders, had to be something heavy, Jaya concluded. And as much as she wanted to coax Nandini into sharing it, God knew this girl needed to feel lighter before her knees gave up from the weight - she also knew it had to come from Nandini. She couldn't force or coerce Nandini into sharing that burden, it wouldn't give either of them any results.
“From what I understand, Manik had music in his life before you even met him. Am I right?”, she questioned, and when Nandini nodded, she continued, “Then why do you think his music is now your responsibility? What if he grew out of it? Or got over saturated? Maybe he felt hollowed out from years of giving so much to music. Maybe he just needs a little time to relinquish?”
Nandini sighed as she shook her head. There was no world where Manik could get tired of his music.
“It's not something that happened gradually, it's -”, she paused when another set of words hit her from their morning banter.
“Everything irritates you. If I sing you have an issue. If I don't sing you have an issue. What do you want me to do?”
Oh.
OH.
It hit her now. She had blamed his obsession with making new music during that time, before walking away. That was what had messed his psyche for his music up - most probably.
Jaya watched it dawn on her face - a staggering conclusion to her messy thoughts. But if her experience said anything, it was that this was just one of the knots Nandini had managed to unknot. There were many. Some were tangled worse. Some were almost unrepairable. Some were already torn apart. And Nandini was going to need help, weather she realized it or not.
Nandini, meanwhile was stunned into silence, because even though she had understood something about the issue, she didn't know how to resolve it. It would be a lie if she said she didn't hold any resentment towards him anymore, because she absolutely did.
Even now, the thought of him leaving her behind for days on end for writing, recording, shooting and promoting felt like a blade through her gut.
Even now, she could feel that visceral bone numbing pain where she couldn't fathom how to take the next breath, and would turn towards him only to find the bed empty. He wasn't home because he was still recording a new party song.
Even now, she felt the ache and the longing, the need for him to hold her tight and quieten the white noise inside her head, the one screaming at her for killing her own baby, but his absence was all she got instead.
He had chosen his music over her, and that hadn't hurt as much as the fact that he had done that to her in a moment where she felt paralyzed and dead inside, where she needed him more than she had ever needed him in her entire life. She didn't know how she had survived those months - if she had survived those months - because who she was now felt like a withered shadow of who she was and she didn't know if she would ever find it in herself to bloom again.
“Nandini?”, she flinched at the sound of her name and looked up, distraught from her thoughts and confused about her present. When she realized where she was, and why, she swallowed and managed to find her words after.
“I think...we both....i blamed....”, she struggled to articulate her thoughts again for a while, trying to ask what she wanted to, without giving away the details that would wreck her denial. Jaya let her take that time, knowing that Nandini needed to know exactly what she was willing to give right then.
“We lost something precious....and I felt like I would never be okay again”, Nandini spoke after a long silence, her gaze fixed on the ground, a casette of memories running through the walls of her mind, “And I think I needed him with me, to -”, she stopped short, shaking her head, unwilling to put to words the greatest fear, "But he wasn't there. He was making music. And I think somehow I grew to resent it, and him and eventually told him so before walking away", she held back her tears even though her voice quivered, "I am not really sure, but I think somehow that is a reason, or one of the reasons behind why he lost his music. Because of me. I might be the entire reason, or a part of it, or I set to motion the chain of sequences that lead to it - I don't know, I just know it's my fault"
Nandini didn't know how much she needed to say that aloud - process it all at least - until she did. Instead of the dread she was expecting she was filled with some sick but sweet relief. Atleast some of that shame, some of that guilt wasn't going to die with her. Someone else knew how she felt, knew her burden, that she might not be that bad of a human.
"You came to me because you wanted to help Manik get what you think feeds his soul right?”, Jaya asked, and when Nandini nodded, she smiled before throwing a curve ball,"But does that mean you don't hold it against him anymore?”
Nandini sucked in a sharp breath, the guilt from what she cost him and the anger of his abandoned battling against each other in the pit of her stomach. Ofcourse she still held it against him, wasn't that why she wouldn't let herself be with him again?
Jaya smiled before she spoke, “You haven't let go of that negative baggage his music cost you, but you still want him to have his music back so much so that you pushed yourself to come to me for that. There is something inherently beautiful, and complicated about feelings, isn't it?"
Nandini said nothing. She didn't have to.
She knew.
She knew that beneath her pain and grief and anger and resentment, there still was love and care and worry and need for him.
“You know, in therapy, my Job will never be to give you answers. My Job is to just guide you the right way, and let you find the answers. But today, I will make an exception because I think you need me to say it. Okay?", she stood up from her seat and walked up to the windows, before turning to face Nandini.
Nandini sat still, unresponsive on the outside, even though she knew she could feel the hollow pit inside her stomach expanding.
“You told me Manik expresses himself through music, Right?”
A nod.
“And you said you two lost something precious?"
A blink.
“Is it really surprising he found himself gravitating to music? It might have been a party song, but music, recording and his studio might have been the comfort in the face of loss, couldn't it?”
Nandini closed her eyes, without a word. There was nothing she could say that would explain how she felt, how overwhelmed her senses felt. Oddly, this was one of those moments where where she needed Manik's arms around her to anchor her to the world and yet, she sat alone in a stranger's office.
And intense craving to be home engulfed her head to toe. Her heart seeked belongingness, and familiar nostalgia. Alas, she couldn't run into the arms of the man that was all of the above combined. So she settled for the next best option.
A multi colored glass roof. Four walls worth memories. A glass house that reflected their love at some point. A home that fell apart with them months ago.
Nandini opened her eyes and stood up, her senses haywire from her thoughts. She looked up at Jaya, who was studying her all along, and just nodded - letting her know it was okay to go.
“Nandini”, Jaya's voice stopped her by the door, “I expect to see you again, soon”.
All Nandini could do was sigh and then she was running all the way to her car.
-------
Manik hit his hand on the steering wheel as he drove through the roads, his frustration rising with every turn he took. Where could Nandini go? He had already circled through the church, her favorite park and her favorite beach, but hadn't found any sign of her.
“mai aise hi nhi chali gyi thi Manik....hum saath hoke bhi sath nhi the”
Her words rang through his ears, his chest tight with the heavy feeling of those words. Truth be told, they were a direct punch to his gut, simply because of how true they were. They weren't really together in those months after the baby, in fact if someone asked him he would say it was the most distant they had ever been in the whole one decade of knowing each other.
And it was just now that he was realizing that if he felt so dreadfully lonely, so did she. If he had nobody to talk about the bone deep ache he felt every waking minute, she too could have shared it with him and him alone. The severity of that loneliness hadn't hit him this hard until now - until all he could hear was her words and that crack in her voice, the tear filled eyes and that stunned silence that was also the loudest she ever had spoken.
Damn it. He shouldn't have dumped his issues on her. His singing, or the lack thereof wasn't her problem.
But again, was it not? Was he really going to pretend Nandini's disdain of his music that night when she walked out had not fundamentaly changed the way he saw his music too?
Music had been his love language since forever, but somewhere down the line, he had started to associate both - love and his love language - with this one petite girl with bright eyes and a sunshine smile. Losing her wasn't something he was ready for, and without her, he had felt implicitly incabale of singing.
He hit the steering wheel in frustration and cursed, before leaning back a little. It was during the next turn it hit him - an intuition, or an urge, whatever sufficed to explain this overwhelming need to drive out to that mansion.
Their mansion.
Manik had tried to live in that mansion for a few days after Nandini left, but had miserably failed to tolerate that house without feeling horribly sick and that was after he went to great lengths to completely avoid visiting the glass house he had built them.
But today, as he parked outside their old mansion and noticed Nandini's rental car parked there, something shifted inside his chest and he found himself taking the long route out and circling the mansion and tracing his steps to that wretched glass house.
He wasn't surprised to find Nandini inside.
Just heartbroken.
Because she stood under the broken roof and inside the cob webbed walls, with a peice of coloured glass in her hand, and tears in her eyes. He stood outside - watching her through the pink and yellow and green illusions, but no color could hide the paleness of her face and the sorrow in her eyes as her gaze wandered through every nook and corner, reliving the memories he was remembering too.
Suddenly, Manik could visualize a decade younger Nandini, dressed in a pink full sleeved top, and her favorite blue jeans, and a scarf around her neck, crying as she sat on the stairs, her heart breaking from the pain and humiliation Navya was put through which she was trying so hard to fight for her best friend. He remembered the faith she had, that good people and good deeds won, and that Navya deserved better from them. He was aware of his own thoughts back then - sitting beside her, and explaining to her the cruelty of the world he had already experienced, trying to explain to her his cynical approach.
Nine years later, she was still standing before him in a pink dress, but this time she was the jaded one. Her rose colored glasses that spoke of hope and love were nowhere to be found anymore, and the cynic in her could now defeat the cynic in him with a five mile gap. That reminder was pain in its rawest form.
His Nandini didn't deserve this.
Hell, he didn't deserve this.
Nandini had her back to him, but when she stumbled a step back, Manik took one forward in a trance, until her back was pressed against the wall and so was his when he turned around and rested her head against it. He sighed, exhaustion chilling his bones.
A sudden tingle of awareness made him look over his shoulder and he realized Nandini had sensed him, and was looking at him through the coloured glass. Very slowly, He pressed his palm flat against it and with baited breaths, watched her do the same.
They stayed like that for a minute and then he saw her face begin to completely crumble. She was minutes away from completely falling apart, he could tell. Especially when he saw her try to run away again and he instinctively found himself blocking her exit. He moved right when she moved right, took a step left when she moved left until she had no choice but to take a step back inside and let him enter the glass house. Nandini still tried to leave, but for once Manik had enough. He held her upper arm and pulled her into him, his eyes holding hers - their eyes talking what they refused to verbalize.
“Just let go”, Manik pleaded, as he held her by both her shoulders, letting her see everything he was holding back otherwise clear on his face, “We deserve a break Nandini”.
He expected her to turn around and leave, or snap at him, or call him out for something, but what he didn't expect wad for her to cave the way she did. She didn't even try to protest - just took a step ahead, rested her cheek against his chest and wrapped her arms around his torso. Manik wrapped his own arms around her, pulling her as close as humanly possible, breathing in her scent.
The world around them stopped, or so it seemed. It was as if nothing else mattered anymore. Not the rustling of leaves, not the merry breeze, not the thundering clouds - nothing.
He felt her fist his shirt, trying to hide herself more, and she was shaking from the effort.
It was then it dawned upon him - she needed it as much as he needed it.
For him, it was as if the tight band around his chest has loosened, and breathing wasn't as much effort anymore. Nandini was his gravity, she rooted him. He had always known it, but right now, he just felt it all over again.
But for her? It was as if she had been under water for hours and just now found air. She was clinging onto him - even if she refused to look at him, and Manik felt her desperation calling out to him. He could sense the restlessness, but it was the way her entire frame was shaking that told him everything she didn't.
He pulled her apart for one second, only to cup her face instead. She stared at him with an intensity that made his chest ache. No words were exchanged, but an entire conversation happened between them, something that nobody else was privy too.
“I am going to kiss you”, he leaned and touched her forehead with his, giving her a moment to stop him, or step back. Nandini held his wrists - his hands still cupping her face, and raised on her tip toes, giving him the answer.
Next second, his mouth was on hers. He kissed her like she was the last drop of salvation he would ever find. She kissed him back like her entire world started and stopped at him.
Their kisses became hot and frantic with each passing moment, but neither of them were ready to break apart and only did so when taking in air was more important. She gasped for air but refused to let him go. Her grip loosened on his wrists but she was quick to fist the front of his tshirt again, needing to holding on to him to keep standing.
Manik kissed the top of her head before holding her tight again, not ready to leave her either.
Maybe there was lot of things still unspoken between them, but in that one moment, they were okay - they were together and okay, and it was just about enough.
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