Imagine being so much of a disappointment that you end up having no reason ever to return home after working hard the entirety of day. Imagine being so desperate for some affection and love that you end up becoming attached to every person that walks into your life.
Stop.
Why was it that every time someone tried to make you believe the side they chose to show, you trusted on it with your life just because that side was kinder to you than most? And then you wonder why the world is always cruel towards you. It isn't cruel, you're just weak.
So weak.
Please, stop.
And pathetic.
No.
And breakable.
A loud splash echoed as my trembling hand subconsciously pushed a glass of water over the table and I was broken out of my trance by the wailing of sirens outside in the street.
See? So weak that you can't even face the reality.
A gasp tore free from me at the way my spiraling thoughts consumed me. My throat threatened to clog up before I felt like all the air was sucked out of me and there was no oxygen left in the room. I clawed my fingers through my hair, wishing, hoping, begging, to be set free from this undeniably heavy pressure being pressed on my chest and to just gain some semblance of control over my body.
I didn't realise when I started sobbing uncontrollably, tears spilling down my cheeks with no remorse. I felt like I didn't know my body at all.
"I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm such a huge mess," I whimpered repeatedly to thin air.
So many voices were whispering. Everywhere and everything was a painful reminder of my life.
And yet no one stood by my side save for the memories.
I wept till I couldn't no more, silently gazing at the light emitting from my still open laptop, the cursor blinking on my incomplete manuscript document in a taunting way, piercing another jab as a failure right into my very soul.
My mouth curled in a cold manner, "Sometimes, I feel like a mistake. A mistake made to exist out of no will...exactly like the life she's been made to put through, with no will."
Mindlessly, I began snicker to no one like a maniac, "People left, life aims left, any motivation there was, it left too."
"Why are we expected to continue everyday when whatever we do just results in defeat and nothing more? Why am I made to be put through this never-ending loop knowing damn well there is no end to any of it but mine?"
I sniffed, "Why are our lives played like a sad song knowing damn well it all ends in tragedy and nothing more?"
But I received no reply save for some more resigned silence.
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Beams of light shone through the half opened blinds. The constant chirruping of birds stirred me a bit before I felt another kiss of sunlight shadowing my tear dried face.
Suddenly, as though jolted by a sugar rush, I came back to reality just when I thought I was on the brink of falling into an empty void. I hated those dreams with a passion because they made me feel helpless even when I was doing the most comfortable thing on this planet, sleeping.
I sighed reluctantly.
Rubbing my fingers on my eyes in order to clear the remnants of sleep behind, I made my way to the bathroom down the narrow hall and began with my everyday routine.
I was fine. Last night was nothing.
See? Already letting go of the past.
The haunting voices in my head said something else entirely but I ignored them, willing for the numbness to take over me.
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"Oh my God, no. For the last time, I do not want to know about toaletní papír." Toilet paper.
I said my next words with deliberate slowness to make sure my voice was clearer than a scientist's flask, "Do you know anywhere nearby where tortillas might be available for these tourists to devour?"
I raised an impatient brow at the flaky guy standing before us- I and my dear bus travelers- waiting for an answer which I knew was bound to never come.
I stomped my feet in frustration at the absolute blank expression over the grocery store guy's face. I gathered up the remaining energy I had as I turned around, marching back to the awaiting people in my hideous neon yellow jacket.
"Pardon," Why the fuck was my linguistic side being tested today so much? What was this? A test of my knowledge in diversity?
Oh Lord, you want me to end up with linguistic discrimination accusations, don't you?
The old French lady with pearls in her ears who was definitely the leader of her elderly French people troop waved her hand elegantly in air, "Child, you don't need to worry about us anymore. We used our Google Maps to find a great place for Mexican food."
Right, I forgot this wasn't the 19th century and we certainly have better technology now.
So, all my efforts to restrain myself from strangling that guy out of frustration went down the drain. I think I just made the world record for least IQ level possible in a human being, I thought as I gave the other three ladies a cheery smile for their accomplishment and left them to their possibly last girls' trip ever.
The thought alone was bittersweet.
Sighing for hundredth time that day, I rubbed my palms together before checking the time. It was past 2 p.m. which meant I had spent my entire lunch break not using my brain and testing my poor Czech skills barely making through the entire thing.
I tried my hardest to not lose my cool, reassuring myself that it was just a bad day and nothing else as I pushed the button to open the bus doors when I reached the spot where it was supposed to be by that hour with more force than necessary.
"Well, well, if it isn't her Majesty on time for the very first time."
I clenched my jaw imagining that goddamn annoying smirk he must be displaying which ultimately made me snap, "Shut up, Carter." I removed my bag before settling into my usual spot.
Out of the corner of my eye, I observed Felix lifting his hands in the air as though to placate a monster from pouncing on him, "Someone woke up on a slightly warmer side of the bed."
I scoffed, "Just because there's no one warming your bed doesn't mean others have a crappy life too."
He shook his head to flip his hair dramatically, "Uh, thankyou for your concern but I'm perfectly capable of living without some action."
"Bleh, you're annoying either ways." I muttered as I scanned people's tickets on my mobile once the queue formed.
And that comment of mine led to further banter between us to the point the poor tourists shook their head vehemently as they made their way to sit.
"Hey, Thea? You should really come with a warning label on your forehead."
"Why, Carter? 'Cause my beauty is too hot to handle for you?"
He narrowed his eyes into tiny slits, "No, because you're hazardous for everyone."
"Bold of you to assume I care about your opinion let alone your words." I replied drily as I sent a thumbs up and smiley emoji to a picture of Bob's artwork along with his proud facial expression.
Me: Proud of you <3
Bob: Thanks, Doro. I will make you a painting at this Sunday's brunch.
A tiny smile lit up my entire face at his thoughtfulness as I left a 'love you' text before switching off my mobile.
Maybe not everything has to be as bad as we portray it to be.
I sighed this time with some lightness on my chest with Felix's rambling still blaring in the background.
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The sound of three knocks on my door that evening had me leaving my messy bed with a frown only to be greeted by-
"You've approximately fifteen minutes to have your affairs in order before I coerce you into going with me."
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i love leaving chapters on cliffhangers but i hate being left on them 🥰
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