i wonder if i am tired of waiting.
i went somewhere today, an event with hundreds of people packed into one place.
i can't remember the last time i stood alone in a crowd and felt secure in my own body.
anxiety didn't choke me. i didn't frantically chase down a familiar face amongst the sea i was surrounded by. i stood, calmly, and waved to acquaintances without clinging desperately onto them like a disorientated cub.
maybe it was a fluke, a glitch in the matrix that dictates my story. but the fact remains that i stood alone without fear, and where overthinking usually hounded me there was nothing but an overwhelmingly normal sense of awkwardness, a silent acknowledgement of "oh-we're-both-socially-inept-i'm-not-a-disgusting-failure".
i didn't shake from adrenaline or blurt out stammered sentences to fill the silence (the awkward goodbye i threw out doesn't count even if i retreated with my tail firmly between my legs).
just a week ago i was alone at the arcade, and maybe my memory fails me but i starkly remember the panic in me, the itch on my skin that echoed with "everyone's staring at you, why can't you just be normal".
why is it that i craved someone i could turn to, someone who would stand beside me throughout it all?
today, i enjoyed myself alone. i sought to be left alone, standing with my shoulders back and head held high without relying on anyone else.
god knows it took a toll on me though, i swear i've never felt this tired in years (except for two weeks ago when i swear i fell unconscious and woke up wondering what universe i was in).
i wonder, if you miss me too? if your hand stutters wishing for mine to hold it, if your eyes dart about wishing for a pair to sympathise with a smile, if your feet bring you in circles wishing you could find the courage to make a decision and stick with it.
because for the first time today, i didn't need you, or anyone else.
maybe in the future, you won't exist.
maybe you'll be a particularly adored keychain or a well-loved book or a photo that triggers a smile. maybe you'll be a dog that greets me with a smile and a bark or a cat that saunters past with a careless glance or a fish that stares and wonders if i have food. maybe you'll be the way the trees happen to catch the sunlight or the smell of rain on concrete or the coolness of a cloudy morning. maybe you'll be everything and nothing at all, lurking in the corners of my memory and re-surfacing when my confidence fails and i stumble inadvertently on the road to—to where?
does the future remain a mystery when i'm so sure what i want and how far i'll go for it? when i tire and i know i'm not doing the best i should but my wish never fails (only in glancing seconds where i forget, where i think and think and can't remember why i still pick myself up and keep going everyday)?
where does the road lead? does it split? can it split? where do i want it to split, and how? where do i want to go? is my desired destination but another hypocritical lie? how do you know? how do you know that it's worth it?
that's just the thing, isn't it?
you don't. you never do.
maybe that's what makes life worth living.