THE WAY I LOVED YOU / 009
OUTER BANKS
₊˚ ୨ ♡ ୧ ˚₊ — not dead just confused
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EDEN DIDN'T STOP WALKING, even if she felt a car follow her by her side. Her hand grabbed the vodka bottle and took another sip, letting it sink into her wet throat. She vaguely heard words calling her, but she didn't turn her eyes from the sign in front of her. Until she heard a horn honk, causing her to look away, but her body continued to walk right towards the sign, hitting her forehead. Her feet lost their balance as the car came to a sudden stop, forcibly braking. Her body fell roughly to the floor, not dropping the bottle, though.
Eden put the bottle on the sidewalk, rubbing her forehead, then her eyes went down to the shadow in front of her. She frowned, raising her head. "I understand why you haven't succeeded your driver's license now."
"That. . . Is. . ." She tried to get up on her own, but her legs felt like spaghetti. John B stopped himself from laughing before grabbing her hands in his, slowly lifting her up. "Not funny." She finished her sentence, narrowed her eyes.
"Yeah. Right. What are you doing here alone? You hate walking alone at night." He noticed, his gaze wandering to her body, and then to the bottle of vodka and her high heels in her hands.
She rolled her eyes, starting to walk again. "Can't you see? I'm having fun like a big girl without anyone."
John B looked at her for a moment, knowing that he had to turn around and leave her with her problems, but he knew very well that Yasmina would kill Eden if she came home drunk like that. And. . . Although he would like to see her get caught after a stupidity, her mother was not the good lady to make people laugh with this kind of joke.
"I can't." He said, coming to position himself in front of Eden, stopping her in her tracks.
Her brow furrowed, questioning, "Can't what?"
"I can't let you into your house when you're completely drunk."
She gave a tired laugh mixed with alcohol. "Pretty boy. . ." She patted his cheek lightly, smiling between her tight lips. "Who's drunk? Not me. Look." She put the bottle down again before spinning her body endlessly. But, her head became quickly, even too quickly, an endless tornado. Her hands searched for something to grab onto, wanting to escape the strong winds in her head. John B put his arm around her waist, stopping her from moving.
He nodded to himself. "I think you're pretty drunk, Ed'."
"Don't call me 'Ed', we're not friends, JB. I'm no one to you, all right?" He padlocked his brown eyes into hers, still holding her waist. "And I'm not pretty drunk, I'm just pretty, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah." He sighed, leaning down to pick up her high heels from the floor. "Get in the car. I'll take you to the Chateau."
"What? No. No, no, no." She said, shaking her head. "I have very important things to do. I have to listen to Taylor Swift, watch a Pretty Little Liars' episode. I also have to cook. Oh, yeah! I want to bake cookies with smiley faces on them." She concluded, putting on a childish smile.
He rolled his eyes, putting the high heels in the car before turning back to Eden. "You'll do that another day when you're in better shape, okay?"
"Um. . . Let me think." She pretended to think, scratching her forehead, but only ended up shrugging. "Nope."
He took two steps towards her, then leaned into her ear. "That wasn't a question." She pouted before feeling an arm pass behind her back, and the other under her legs, then two seconds later she no longer touched the ground.
She growled, "John B, that's not cool. I need— Oh, wait! My bottle of vodka. That's what I ne—"
"You don't fucking need it right now, Eden. You're drunk." He cut her off, depositing her in the passenger seat, watching her face. When she was seated, she crossed her arms, still wearing the same pout as John B put the seat belt around her waist. "You're cute when you're not being unpleasant."
A smile crept across her face as she fiddled with the belt. "Aw. I'll remember that."
"Nah, you won't. That's why I'm telling you now or you'll be bothering me with this for years." Her lips fell down like the rest of her body. John B gave her a wink, and walked around the car to land in the driver's seat.
Eden allowed herself to place her feet on the dashboard of the car, giving John B an arrogant smile. He rolled his eyes, but they remained stuck on the red marks on her left arm, making him frown. A thousand and one questions passed between his brain, but the only one was who had done this to her?
But he remained silent. He didn't dare raise the subject, knowing that Eden was going to get angry and reject him, then surely jump out of the car to avoid the question.
As for Eden, her eyes seemed to close just by seeing a little light. Her feet were all dirty from walking barefoot, her throat was itchy from the alcohol, and shivers ran through her body until she gritted her teeth slightly. She looked into the Twinkie, until she saw John B's shirt on the seat just behind her. She took it at once and put it on her shoulders, smelling the smell of his cologne. She let her head fall to the left, falling just a little on John B's shoulder. She didn't even realize what was happening when her eyes touched the blackness, engulfing her in sleep.
The evening streetlights illuminated the Twinkie, making John B see the mascara that had run down Eden's cheeks. It was the first time in a long time that he saw her cry. Well, not really cry, but he had proof. He knew something was wrong, something had gone wrong. But unfortunately, John B was no longer the one Eden told everything to.
He sighed, letting his head fall on the headrest, gripping the steering wheel harder, but he kept the speed slow, knowing that Eden hated driving fast at night. They arrived ten minutes later at the Chateau. John B stopped the engine, then looked to his right where Eden's head was resting lightly on his shoulder. He put his hand on her cheek, gently freed his shoulder, and quickly got out of the van to come to her side, unbuckling the seat belt. He was very careful not to wake her, then put his hands back where they had been; under her legs and behind her back.
John B put Eden's arm around his neck, while her head fell on his chest, still asleep but she managed to whisper, "That hurt. . ."
He stopped, and noticed that his hand was resting on the red marks on her arm. "Sorry."
She didn't answer, and they entered the house, finding JJ sleeping on the sofa in the porch. John B kept walking, pushing the door with his foot. He strode across the house, but still remaining silent. When he reached his room, he opened the small lamp on the bedside table, seeing even more the demarcations of the red marks. He pursed his lips together, before laying Eden down on the bed.
"I hate dresses now." She hummed, rubbing her eyes as John B pulled the comforter up over her body.
"You should sleep, Eden."
"I can't sleep with a dress." She argued, seeing him shake his head, then went to get some shorts and t-shirt from his stuff.
He gave it to her, and left the room while she changed. He went for the kitchen, taking a Kinder Buenno from the pantry, a glass of milk, and an ice pack, then coming back to the bedroom where Eden was sitting on the bed, looking at the pictures on the ceiling.
He put the snack on the bedside table, and sat down on the mattress, in front of Eden. Except that she did not take her eyes off the ceiling where floated photos of the Pogues, but also of her with John B. "I see that you're still dreaming of me at night, John B." She joked, finally looking at him.
He nodded, remaining as silent as possible to avoid making a mistake and talking about her arms. Eden closed her eyes, then lay down in bed. "I. . . I got you some ice for your arms. But I don't have makeup remover for your mascara."
"I don't need ice." She snapped, as he had expected. John B said nothing, just putting the ice on the bed next to her just in case.
"I'm going to sleep on the couch." He declared, getting up but Eden grabbed his hand, holding him back.
She sighed, "I have a weird question. . ." He looked into her tired eyes, and with the light, he could see them moisten. "When we were in our fake relationship, was I your. . . Like, your slut?"
She couldn't help but ask. She was drunk, she wouldn't remember tomorrow, so she just wanted to get rid of this question that was constantly swirling around in her head. She didn't want to have been that to him. Although it had been fake, he had been much more than a fake boyfriend. But. . . Did she was just that for him all this time?
John B blinked, flashing a smile as his chest exploded in anger at whoever said that to her. He walked over to her, kneeling on the ground to be level with her. "No. No, you never been that. Never, okay?" He saw her biting her lip, holding her tears back. "You were everything to me. I screwed up, I lost you. But you were never like that. You were my best friend, all right?"
"I. . ." She lowered her head, wiping away the tear that ran down her cheek. "Am I enough or just— just nothing, John B?"
She didn't know what was happening to her. Everything was coming out of her mouth without her even wanting it. Eden didn't want to confide, but her heart wanted it. The heart always knows what is good or bad for us. And in that moment, it knew talking to John B was one of the best things because he was someone Eden always trusted. Even when she hates him because of his crooked smile, and his jokes so not funny that they become funny, and his always so colorful shirts that make you want to take it off. Eden hated always trusting him. But she loved it at the same time.
"You are so much more than enough, Eden. You always try to be good enough. And sometimes too much."
"But, the other day you—"
"What I said the other day was wrong, okay? And I'm sorry. I really am. And I'm sorry I almost killed you with the Twinkie. And meddling in your business, and—" He stopped when he saw a smile forming on her rosy lips. "I'm just fucking sorry for being a jerk." He admitted with a sneer.
"Too bad. I don't like jerks." She replied, shrugging.
He wrinkled his nose, moving his head up and down. "Yeah. Too bad. I don't like Kooks."
"So we're on the same wavelength." She hummed, earning a small smirk from him.
She gave him one last look before turning to her right, having the view of the wall in front of her. Eden felt his presence still standing there. She always felt it.
When John B went to close the bedroom door, he stopped in passing, fixing his worried gaze on the silhouette of Eden who was lying on the bed, the blanket pulled up to the blow while he saw her tremble a little. He hadn't seen her so vulnerable since. . . Well, since a very, very long time.
"You know you can talk to me anytime, huh?" He said, receiving no response for a moment.
Of course she knew.
"Yeah." But I won't, for your own good, she should have added.
"And always trust me, all right? I'm still the John B you knew before. Nothing has changed."
On the contrary. Everything changed with him and she felt so guilty. It was her fault that their friendship had gone like a bullet. If she wouldn't have changed to please others, if she hadn't confessed what was on her heart that night with him, if she hadn't done anything wrong, she would still have him close to her giving her hugs and stealing her Kinder Buennos in secret.
She pinched her cheek with her teeth, holding back pretty tears from coming out of their cave for years. "Yeah." She repeated almost in a whisper, clutching her hand to the blanket.
John B let his gaze wander to her arms, and the urge to just run his soft fingers over them came to take him, making him sigh. He passed his hand over his hairs, ready to close the door, but he stopped again. "Good night, Ed'."
Smiling, Eden replied, "Night, John B."
When John B finally closed the door, Eden felt overwhelmed by an inexplicable loneliness, an unusual stress, and a sadness that burned her throat because she was holding back her tears from letting them go out. She squeezed the blanket tighter, pinched her lip until she felt a metallic taste settle on her tongue. Her chest was bouncing and falling without ever stopping, until she felt this sensation. The feeling of not being able to breathe.
Eden sat down quickly on the mattress, her hand on her heart as she pulled the t-shirt down, wanting to catch the slightest air that would cross her lungs. Her tears came to rest on her cheeks as her eyes grew a little redder. She covered her mouth to camouflage her cries, but not soon enough, because she saw John B burst into the room, slowly opening the door, afraid to disturb.
"Eden," He huffed, approaching her, but she shook her head, waving her hand in a no. "I can hel—"
"Don't." She ordered, still searching for any air in her body. "Don't. . . Look at me. Go away."
He shook his head back, walking over to her, sitting across from her on the bed. "Even if you hate me, you have to let me help you."
"No! Just— I. . ." Eden tilted her head back, huffing several times, trying to keep her calm. "Please. Go away."
John B looked into her eyes, and even though he knew he had to respect what she wanted, leaving her like this was the worst decision. "You remember when we were young, and we decided to go on an adventure together, in the forest far away from OBX." Eden raised her pitiful gaze towards his, making him almost freeze on the spot. "We were climbing a tree and you went up first, to show me your strength." She looked at him without knowing why he was doing that.
"Not true." She managed to say, raising her eyebrows.
John B smirked before continuing, "You broke your foot that day. I took you back to the hospital, and I stayed by your side the whole time. I held your hand the whole time I was with you. I stayed with you." He lowered his head to the ground for a second before chuckling. "You were so mad at yourself that you bought me three Kinder Buennos. But. . . I can tell you that it had been so cool to stay with you for over seven hours."
Eden's breathing deepened quietly as John B's hand moved up and down on her knee, relaxing her. Her eyes were closed, but she was a thousand percent sure that he was looking at her with the same look of pity he gave her when she wasn't well. But she didn't take it badly. It wasn't worthless pity, it was a pity that wanted to describe his feelings without speaking. And Eden understood them. She understood him.
When calm finally reigned in the room, Eden's head fell exactly into the center of her hands, wiping her humified eyes. The shame of having burst her bubble of sadness in front of him joined her in her heart, and a knot formed in her throat. Not a knot of tears, a knot of shame. Shame for what she had just done, and for what she was about to do.
Eden swallowed violently, before humming, "Get out." But nothing happened. John B didn't move. She sniffled, then pulled her hand away from his lap, raising her red eyes to his. "Get. . . Out. Please."
"No." He refused, shaking his head slightly.
She faked a wry laugh, trying to hide any emotions that dared to show on her face. "Stop doing that."
"And what would you like me to do? Huh? I find you completely drunk, with red marks on your arms, and then you have a panic attack. So, go ahead, tell me what else am I supposed to do but stay with you, Eden?"
"Why are you making such a big deal about it?" She questioned, chuckling irritably.
"'Cause I goddamn care about you, Eden." He replied, raising his voice a little. She bit her lip, watching him get up and start pacing, playing with his hairline.
"You shouldn't." That's what she said. She didn't just say it to get him to leave her alone, but because that's what she thought in her heart.
He should hate her. Hate her for the rest of his life. He should hate her for leaving them, for leaving him. Hating her for her changed attitude and hating herself. She wanted him to hated her like she hated herself. Eden wanted him to see that she brought him nothing good. That having her in his life was just a flaw that will prevent him from moving forward. And sometimes he did, hating her. His eyes said it when he did it or not. But his eyes in that very silent moment showed no hatred. They showed pain, frustration and concern.
He stopped walking, like ice, hands on his hips. "But I do."
"Yeah, but you shouldn't. You should hate me. That's what we're doing since one year, so just— just keep going. Hate me like you should."
He passed his hand over his forehead before leaning back on the door, and crossing his arms over his chest. "Hate is just dumb."
She smiled into her tight lips, shrugging. "Then we are the dumbass on Earth. Like we always used to be."
And everything seemed to stop in ice, neither one nor the other moved. Only silence could break their thoughts, distracting them. But John B found something in Eden's eyes that no one could ever find because when they look at her, they see that — the little Kook who wants any guy so she's not alone. The younger Winslow who lost her father but who probably doesn't care because she never talked about it. Just an ordinary girl walking the streets of Figure Eight.
Then there was what John Booker Routledge saw — Eden wasn't just a little Kook who hid her feelings to avoid being a coward, she hid them so she wouldn't feel them and win people's pity. She wasn't just the girl who lost her father in the waves of the ocean, she was also a girl who was hurt and touched by everything people said to her. Eden Blair Winslow ( Kook's version ) was not dead, only confused. The little girl ( Pogue's version ) still lived in her heart. Her smile was still there, only hidden under terrible pain and grief. Her heart was no longer a small flower that welcomed all the little critters and made them laugh until it lost its petals, now it was just a big stone enclosed in itself. It was very tough, but every little flaw they could give her was headed straight for her. Now coldness came before softness. The bad came before the good. Eden Winslow passed before the young little girl she had been, looking at her with a sorry look.
That's what he saw, but unfortunately, no one saw Eden like that. Just him. Because he cared about her.
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WHEN EDEN WAKES UP THE NEXT MORNING, an impassive pain passed over her skull, making her groan from the first seconds of her disastrous awakening. Back pain came to catch her. Obviously, she was not in her castle. But at the Chateau. But the famous question was:
What the fuck is she doing here?!
Eden got up abruptly and violently, meeting a mirror in front of her, finding herself in front of herself, discovering her body in John B's clothes. Her eyes widened like a fish, while she tried to remember what happened last night. Only the moment with Rafe came back to her, and then she got into a car, then she had trouble breathing, but. . . Nothing made any damn sense! She searched her eyes for any clues that would remind her of what it happened, and her gaze with her raised eyebrows fell on her dress and her heels on the floor.
No, no, no, no. She repeated to herself. Eden took her face between her hands, telling herself what an idiot she was. But she ended up walking towards the door, hearing voices on the other side. She took the first thing in her hands, which was actually a pillow, then slowly and carefully opened the door.
"I'm armed!" She yelled, running out of the bedroom with the pillow tightly clutched in her hand, ready to attack whoever it was.
A ridiculous scream crossed JJ's lips as John B frowned at her morning face in his clothes, and her hair tangled together. "What the hell Eden's doing here, John B?"
"Yeah! Yeah. That's a really, really, really good question, John B." She added with more ardour, receiving fake frightened eyes from him, drinking his coffee anyway. Eden raised her eyebrows, waiting for the answer like JJ who was looking between the two, judging them with his eyes. "Tell me," She stopped in her sentence, throwing the pillow at him, or rather. . . In his face. "What am I doing here. Because it's not funny. Not funny at all."
John B chuckled sarcastically. "Do I look like I'm laughing?"
"Not with your mouth, but your eyes are literally crying of laughs." She said, pointing at him with an aggressive finger. He nodded, biting his lip. "Oh, my God! Just tell me why am I in your clothes."
"Because you took off your dress."
JJ who was quietly drinking his orange juice, spat it out suddenly, then looked at the two with wide eyes. "Guys, you. . . You didn't do what I think, huh?"
John B played the innocent, putting his mouth in a tight line. "I don't know. Ask Eden."
She opened her mouth, ready to protest, gesturing with her hands, keeping her frustration in her veins. "How do you want me to know? I was drunk!"
"Not drunk. Pretty drunk." He corrected, the cup of coffee still at his lips.
She sighed, letting her head fall back, as she heard John B chuckling as always and JJ continuing to ask questions. "You did it while I was sleeping? Whoa, cool."
"No. Not cool." She snapped, shaking her head. "Not cool at all."
"Oh, right. Pretty cool." He said, before
John B burst into a fit of laughter. Eden closed her mouth, holding back from screaming.
She hated to death when she couldn't remember what had happened while she was drunk. She hated it for real. But, it was not difficult to know. Because the more the days progressed, the more she remembered what she had lived. Like a puzzle. The pieces were gradually sticking together.
"Okay." She huffed, then took five steps towards John B, snatching his coffee from his hands. "Tell me what happened last night. Or. . . I tell JJ the dream you had of him when you were thirteen."
John B's eyes went from joy to fear. Although Eden knows how to keep secrets, this one would be the funniest to reveal.
"What dream?"
"Nothing." He affirmed, not taking his eyes off the girl in front of him. She smirked before slowly pointing the cup of coffee to her lips, then taking a sip. Her gaze locked on the pearls in John B's eyes. "Fine. Come with me."
She nearly jumped, glad it worked. He nodded at her towards the bedroom, and the two ex-best friends headed in, leaving the blonde alone, with his questions swirling around in his head. "Uh . . . Are you going to do a second round or what?" No answer. "Great." He said to himself before leaving the house, going to find the couch on the porch.
During this time, Eden leaned on the door, her hands behind her back. John B, he put his hands in his pockets, turning to her.
How was he supposed to tell the girl in front of him that he found her seriously drunk on the sidewalk, get her into his van and drive her home because he was worried? And that after he saw the red marks on her arms, he had an urge to hit the first thing within reach. And then she asked him something he'd like to forget, and she had a panic attack after. How to tell her without her freaking out and going into hiding for a good week? There was no solution.
He just had to be honest.
"Look, don't freak out, okay? Just tell me first what you remember."
No, anything but that. If she had dared to cry in front of him, or do anything that would show weakness, she would blame herself. No one could see her like that. Eden had to keep her cool, and not cry in front of people. Only in front of Potato, her teddy bear.
"I just want to know if I did something stupid." She confessed, releasing her hands from her back to cross her arms over her chest.
John B licked his lips quickly, bracing himself. "Um. . . You— You had a panic attack."
Her heart stopped for a moment. He had seen her. And not just crying, but having a panic attack. Anything but that, please.
She cleared her throat. "So we didn't hooked up?" Eden asked, dodging what he had just said. He frowned, not believing what she had just said. But eventually nodded. "Perfect. That's all I needed to know. The rest will come to me bit by bit."
"Wait." He held her by the wrist gently when she opened the door to leave. "You should know the rest from me, it's—"
"Honestly, you don't even know what happened, John B. The best thing is that you forget what I did last night. What I said or anything, all right?"
John B shook his head. "No. Not all right. You came here with red marks on your arm last night, and you want me to just forget?"
She shrugged, showing no emotion. "That's what I do all the time. Forget it and it'll just be a bad memory."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because like I told you last night, I care about you. I really do. So you can trust me, okay?"
The words entered her brain, but she couldn't believe it. How John B Routledge could care about her when she just pushes him away every time he tries to do something nice for her. How?
'Cause he's just like that. . .
"Can you just forget about last night? I don't want every time we see each other, you have the image of me in the middle of an panic attack." He let his eyes wander over every feature of her face, and the urge to refuse dug in his throat, but he finally agreed not to say anything. "Thank you. Now get out, I want to change."
"What? You don't like my clothes? Personally, I think they fit you perfectly." She rolled her eyes, a small smile on her lips, then forcibly pushed him out of the room.
But when the door closed again, Eden's eyes filled with water at the rapidity of a jaguar. She hated herself for having to play a role with John B when she knew very well that he was the only one who really understood her, and who never let her down. But it was stronger than her. She always had this instinct to push people away when they know too much about her. She was like that, she preferred in her cocoon. But she choked so much sometimes, that she let herself go when she was drunk. The words weren't supposed to come out last night, but they did. And now Eden has to act as if nothing had happened with a new person.
When she came out of the room again, her body, dressed in her pink dress with sparkles, fell on the whole group of whispering Pogues.
Eden frowned, advancing towards them. "Funny. Before there was only a brunet and a blondie. Now there's the whole army."
"What is she doing here?" Kiara asked, pointed at her. "And why is she dressed like she's going to a party? Hey, Winslow, the Kooks are on the other side."
"Thank you. I didn't know. I mean, it's not like I live there." She replied, the sarcastic sounding a laugh in her mouth.
"Exactly. There. Not here." She said, making movements towards the four walls of the house.
JJ hummed, "I thought you guys were finally good."
"We're not. Litteraly not." Kiara gave JJ an answer, and Eden looked at her questioningly. "What? We're not even close, Eden."
"Seriously? Dude, we are the best of friends. Come on." Eden exclaimed, but the irony still clicked against her tongue. Kiara rolled her eyes, as John B approached with a bag on his shoulders.
She looked up at him, keeping her eyebrows furrowed. "You come?"
"Uh. . . Where? I'm going back to home actually. I need a shower."
"Yeah. Where?" There it was not Kiara, but Pope who was speaking, the incomprehension on his face.
"Um, just— uh," He stuttered scratching his forehead, avoiding Kiara's gaze. "I work on Fred Barrow's boat. He— He offered me a job."
Eden directed her eyebrows furrowed towards him. Why didn't he just tell her he's working on Yasmina Winslow's? Eden already had the answer in her head. If Kiara found out he was working close to her, she would make a big deal out of it. While there is completely nothing.
"And Eden must absolutely come with you?"
John B opened his mouth to speak, but Eden stopped him by putting her hand on his chest. "He needs someone to tell lame jokes to. Bye-Bye, losers." She waved her hand at them, and walked out of the house, clicking her heels. Eden shook her head, stopping in her tracks, attracting everyone's attention, then kicked off her high heels. "Come on, Johnny Boy, don't have all day."
"Yup. Coming." He answered, but was stopped in his tracks too by the curly-haired girl. He immediately understood the look she gave him. "Kie, that's— that's nothing. Last night went bad, and she just needed someone."
This one sighed, "But what is that? Your attitude changes every time she's around. What is she? She has superpowers?"
"It's nothing. Okay?" He replied, then looked back at Pope and JJ.
Pope shrugged and raised his eyebrows. "I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary. I mean, John B has never been the best with girls."
"Thank you, Pope. But not for the end."
Kiara turned to the blond who still said nothing. "And you?"
He put his hand over his heart, stammering. "Well, maybe there's, like. . . Like a vibe?"
"There's fucking nothing. Sometime she just— just want to talk to someone who understand her, all right? Anyway."
"Promise me it's nothing." Kiara asked, stepping in front of John B again.
He rolled his eyes, muttering, "It's nothing. It'll always be nothing."
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authors note: okay sooooo...... what about this chapter my guys?!?! it was good, bad, weird?? tell me cuz i need to know rn :))
i especially wanted to show the soft side of eden, and that of john b at the same time. I AM THEIR BIGGEST FAN I MEAANNNNN. and i just love writing drunk scene, they are just to funny to imagine lol, i'm such a real kid....
whatever! in the next chap, i don't know if it will be the moment when eden & john b leave where he and sarah had been, i don't remember the place anymore. because i need a scece that would introduce john b and sarah's friendship, cuz yes she's gonna be a pogue YEAAAHH. so anyway, gonna see what i do 🤨
love you and bye-bye!!
( and sorry to not post often, i just work, work and work. and sleep, sleep and sleep. and see my bsf, bsf, and bsf. i mean, it's summer hihi )