I drug myself So I don′t have to feel the water rising Or my lungs losing air. If I drown, will I find closure? Will I lose composure? Will I even care?
HOW FAR WILL I SINK BEFORE THE DEPTHS CONSUME ME
WILL MY FEET EVER TOUCH THE GROUND? I CAN FEEL THE CURRENT PULLING ME DOWN
Drag the lake, but you won't find me. I′m too far down below. I'm so tired of treading water. Maybe it's time for me to let go
I′ll destroy myself For the sake of feeling different, The sake of feeling fine, And If I can′t step back from this ledge, I'm sorry that I left you without saying goodbye
Drag the lake, but you won′t find me. I'm too far down below. I′m so tired of treading water. Maybe it's time for me to let go. If I drift away, will it cure the ache, Or will the pain find another heart to break
WHAT IF THE HURTING DOESN'T END WITH ME? WHAT IF I END IT ALL EXCEPT THE SUFFERING?
WHO WILL HOLD THE WEIGHT THAT I CAN'T CARRY? WHO WILL HAVE TO LIVE ONCE I'M DEAD AND BURIED
Drag the lake, but you won′t find me. I′m too far down below I'm so tired of treading water Maybe it′s time for me to let go If I drift away, will it cure the ache Or will the pain find another heart to break
-Composure-Archers-2020-
-ERIC-
I've had variations of the same nightmare for the past six months. Every time I close my eyes, I see Rachel's face. I remember how it contorted when she-it-the demon revealed that Rachel had been dead for weeks. I remember how angry she was when I assumed command of her unit. The day we got into the accident on the way to Little Hope...the day I asked her to marry me...
It's why I avoid sleep if I can, but it's also why I'm more driven than ever. My oblivious ambition may have led to our separation, and maybe it kept me from noticing that she had died at the hands of CENTCOM, but it will help me now. We aren't ready yet. I hoped to go in tonight, but Jason was still unsteady after Billy's revelations.
The miner met with us at the cabin when we returned, and he asked us to retrieve the footage and the files from the asylum, as he had noticed a few strangers poking around. That caught my attention because the attack on Sarah and the other ghost hunters has kept people away for once.
According to Billy, they weren't local, and they wore jackets with a symbol for the United States of Central Command...what the hell is CENTCOM doing here? How the hell do they exist after the damage we've done?
I didn't want to wait for them to grab that data. I can handle that on my own. I'm halfway down the driveway when I see two shapes at the bottom of it. Nick and Salim. Ah, they were smoking.
"You're up late," Nick comments as if he wasn't doing the same.
"People like us don't sleep much," I remind him.
"That's fair," Nick shrugs.
"We're out here keeping the smell of cigarettes out of the cabin," Salim observes. "But what has brought you out here, my friend?"
I have to admit I admire Salim's unwavering kindness and resolve. I don't deserve it from him.
"I'm going to the asylum," I tell him.
"Alone?" Nick frowns. "That's not a good idea."
"CENTCOM was already there," I remind him. "We need to find out how and why and get the data from the Wendigo experiments away from them!"
"You're right," Nick agrees. "But no one should go in that place by themselves."
"So we'll go with him," Hunter says to announce his presence, startling the shit out of us.
"Where the hell did you come from?!" Nick demands, clutching his chest.
"I was keeping watch," Hunter says calmly, pointing to the top of the cabin, where he had leaped from.
"I don't think I'll ever get used to that, Hawkeye," Nick mutters.
Salim and Hunter laugh at that, but I don't have an emotional response.
"I assume that this is an inside joke," I comment. "We should get going, then."
The festive atmosphere fades as I head toward my truck. The others fall silent as I warm up the vehicle, and we wait before climbing inside.
"Listen," Nick says after a while, "I know things have been rough since we left Iraq...I've reached out, yeah, but...I should have tried harder, man."
"We all should have," Salim adds. "We fell prey to their tricks, and we should have looked past it to work together, as we had in the temple."
"I didn't make it easy on many of you," I lightly disagree. "Rachel should have stayed in command. I made a lot of mistakes there. I was so consumed by blind ambition and wanting to fix my marriage that I led people to their deaths or tried to...that's on me. So is what happened to Rachel after that."
"That doesn't mean that you should punish yourself for it," Hunter spoke up. "If there is anyone who understands the desire for revenge, it's us. And we feel like shit about what's happened. Let us help. Let's work on fixing this and bringing these assholes down."
"We hate how shit went down," Nick followed up. "Maybe you don't trust us because of it. Maybe you don't think you deserve our trust from the sound of it. But you do, and I hope you can forgive us."
"It's not that easy," I find myself admitting. "I've gotten past the affair, and I shouldn't have blamed you alone. I took part in that, but I didn't want to see it. I blame myself for sending us to Hell. I blame myself for not seeing that Rachel was already gone. I should have seen it. I should have known. She was my wife, and once again, she needed me, and I didn't see the signs!"
I've never admitted this to anyone else. I must have decided that I deserved to carry that burden alone. But as soon as I said it, the weight I'd felt lifted a bit.
"Eric..." Nick says after some time has passed. "We couldn't have known what we were getting ourselves into. We trusted the wrong people because we're soldiers. That's what they were counting on. Can you be shortsighted? Yes. Does that mean that you planned this or that any of it is your fault? No. You use that anger and grief and smarts to finish this!"
"None of us blame you, Eric," Salim adds. "We were at the end of a war, but the sentiments were felt on both sides. Don't focus on what you've done in the past, but only on the present and the future. I used to be the same, in a way. When my wife left, I stopped living for myself. Zain was my only purpose. I didn't know how harmful it was until I met Jayda and Jason. It would help to find something other than revenge before it's too late."
I mull over our conversation as we climb into the truck. Predictably, Hunter was armed to the teeth, and he spread the wealth, and we headed to the asylum with salt, iron, and Colt rounds.
"I wonder why CENTCOM is here?" Hunter wonders.
"And why were they so obvious about it?" Nick follows up.
"They want us to know that it's not over with them," I realized. "Keep in mind, the investigation that the CIA began is still ongoing. That could give others plenty of time to hide."
"The jackets were a warning," Salim sighs angrily.
"They want to see if they can break the seal," Hunter comments.
"When we get back, we'll have to find out what it is," I determine as we pull up to the place.
I still had my prototype on hand, so I gave them out.
"If we find any survivors, we might be able to help them with these," I suggest. "They're meant to pull malevolent entities out of people."
"Right," Nick nods as we arm ourselves. "So we look for any footage or data of the patients that used to be here-"
"We should gather whatever we can about CENTCOM," Salim suggested.
"Good idea," Hunter agrees. "We'll need to ensure we don't fall into traps."
We head inside and decide to split up. This was a risky move, considering what had happened to Jason before, but it was the only way. This place is huge. Hunter and Salim head off in one direction while Nick and I head in another.
"Have you given any thought to what we talked about?" Nick asks.
"I have," I admit. "But you know it's not going to be as simple as having a conversation."
"No, I know," he nods. "I get it."
"...How were you able to do it?" I asked. "You shot that demon, even though it looked like her..."
"That's the thing, man," Nick chuckles sadly. "I knew it wasn't her anymore. Rachel made her choice when she wanted to reconcile, and you and I both know that she never wavered. The demon didn't research enough, so when it tried to use me, I knew the truth. I'm not going to pretend that it wasn't hard. But I had a support system, and I have Mai. You have one, too, whenever you're ready."
"Thanks," I murmured, nodding. "Wait, I see some of the old files."
"We just need the miners from the 50s," Nick paraphrased as he worked through the files.
The dull lights from the generator began to flicker. The temperature dropped so fast that our breath came out in icy puffs.
"Whose there?" I called out, pulling out my gun.
"I've got what we need," Nick assures me. "Whatever it is, we can handle it and get out of here."
We train our guns around the room on our way out. I felt like something was coming, and we needed to leave.
"Hunter?" I hailed the man over comms. "All good on your end?"
"We ran into a few hostiles," he reports. "but we're alright. We found the files and some movie reels but nothing on CENTCOM's involvement. We may have to capture one of them. You need us?"
"Meet us at the rendevous," I tell him. "Whatever we've run into isn't-"
A loud, piercing scream took over the comms, and I had to pull it out of my ear. I could hear it echo in my head. When I looked up, Nick was gone. The asylum is back to its original state. I realized that the scream had been my name.
"Billy was right," Gordon marvels.
Among the chaos, Gordon stood in the middle of it. Aside from his hair and eye color, we look exactly alike.
"Looks that way," I responded, borrowing the phrase from Jason.
"I'm still getting the hang of this," he admits. "Of the...abilities you have when you're dead. I apologize for that; I thought I'd spoken normally."
"It's fine," I assure him. "You must have something important to tell me."
"Yes, I do...Listen," Gordon sighs. "We don't have much time...there's a reason that Blackwood and demons who linger here are stronger than most!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"It never made sense before, but some of the patients used to rant about the asylum having the power to keep Lucifer locked away," Gordon informs me.
"This place is another Seal," I realized. "Just like the temple."
"Yes," he sighs. "Anna and I had no idea that our families were meant to protect these seals. Neither did Billy...the Wendigo curse must have been a way to prevent us from doing so."
"What keeps the Seal in place?" I asked.
"We do," Gordon confessed. "As long as our bloodline stays alive, we can keep him caged."
"What does he want with Alice and Greg?" I ask him next.
"Azazel must need souls or something from the people who wander here," Gordon mused. "It's why Blackwood's victims have gone mad, or they're empty husks. Maybe he's angry that they got away... perhaps they're stronger than most. I'm not sure, but this time it's different..."
"What do you mean?" I wonder.
"...He's afraid," Gordon clarified. "Even though we're dead, the bloodlines we share are strong. Billy and Jason are a perfect example of this."
"I'll keep that in mind," I reply with a nod.
"I'm not able to keep the connection for much longer, but there's one more thing I ask of you," Gordon requests.
"What is it?" I wonder with a frown.
"Don't let life pass you by," Gordon says with a sad smile. "I know it's a cliche, but I mean it. I was so involved with my work that I married into it. While I will never regret meeting Anna...our jobs cost us our lives, so try to live yours. I feel your guilt for your wife...it mirrors mine..."
Any reply I might have drowned out because I was back in the present. Gordon guided me back outside to the bewilderment of the group. I told them what I had learned, but I kept Gordon's request to myself.
-CLARICE-
"Eric, what the hell were you thinking?!" I demand.
When the guys returned, we were all awake, upset, and waiting for an explanation. Salim had Jayda and Jason to contend with, Mai pulled Nick outside, and Joey...he didn't react. I guess he's used to Hunter watching over the group. If anything, Joey thanked him for going with the others. Joey is a lot more collected than I remember.
As for me? Not so much. With our connection to the place, I wasn't sure what could happen to us there. I don't have the right to freak out like this...do I? So why am I pacing around the room like this?
"Clar-"
"What the hell were you thinking?!" I exploded. "You would have gone on your own if the others weren't out there, wouldn't you?!"
"Yes," he admits. "I've made it clear that I'll do whatever it takes to take them down."
"And at what cost?" I threw at him next. "Is this..."
A horrifying thought occurred to me, and I had to collect my thoughts before I spoke again.
"Eric...you're not...is this an attempt to join Rachel?" I asked him quietly.
His look of resigned acceptance of the lecture he was getting turned to horror.
"No, Clare!" he insisted. "It's not like that!"
"Then what the hell were you thinking?!" I repeat angrily.
"CENTCOM wanted those files," he counters. "I couldn't let them have it."
I need to take a different approach.
"I know you want to take them down," I began after calming down. "But you've been going about this the wrong way, Eric...I'm not talking about your research. That's valuable. I'm talking about the hours you spend in that godamn lab, barely taking care of yourself or living, or-"
"-I don't deserve anything else," he cuts in with a heavy sigh.
I can't lie; that was hard to hear. I've been trying to understand why he's been feeling this way.
"Why do you believe that?" I wonder. "What's been going on with you? This is more than forgetting to eat when you have a breakthrough."
"Because it's the truth, Clare," he chuckles sadly. "I should have checked the data before we left-"
"-Eric, that wasn't on you," I remind him. "CENTCOM wanted us to find that temple. I-have you thought that if you caught the corruption, you could have stopped it?"
"I don't know," he murmured. "All I can think about is what ifs. What if I'd caught on to what they did? What if I hadn't taken command of our unit? ...What if I had caught on that Rachel was gone? Why couldn't I? Maybe if I had been a better husband..a better man back then... perhaps I'd have known. Hell, I couldn't even keep you safe in that place."
"Okay," I swallow past the lump in my throat. "Think about it this way. We saw how deep their corruption goes, and since Billy saw them in the asylum, it's much worse than we thought. I understand what you mean about the things that happened there. But we survived. And if we hadn't, CENTCOM would have sent more soldiers out. We wouldn't have met the people we have, and we wouldn't have a second chance. It's changed us for the better. Jason and Joey don't have to hide anymore. Jason has found peace within himself. Joey is more confident. I think that things are on the mend for you and Nick-"
"-And what about you?" he gently cuts in.
"What about me?" I echo.
"You left yourself out," he points out. "You've spent the last six months worrying about me. Probably at the expense of your relationship with Aerin. Why?"
I hadn't realized how close we'd gotten during our conversation. I stepped back, not because of our proximity but because I needed to explain.
"I carry some guilt, too," I admit. "I know we fell for what CENTCOM made you and Rachel out to be. I get that. But it wasn't looking good for you at the time. I'd been defending you since day one. It took me a while to forgive what you did in the temple, but I'm still working on forgiving myself for believing the lies. It's been...hard to defend you back then, so when I thought it was for nothing, I lashed out at you. I know we talked about it. I know we apologized, but that doesn't make it easier. You drifted away from the others at that point, even though they reached out...and you weren't taking care of yourself, so..."
"...I know I haven't made it easy on you or anyone else," Eric sighs. "But you didn't answer part of my question..."
"That's because I don't have an adequate response," I huffed. "...Look, I'm not going to insult my intelligence or Aerin's by pretending that things hadn't confused me, especially when our...past selves were married. But I also feel like my decisions are being made for me. I don't like that."
"I get that," Eric chuckles. "I've wondered how much of this has been them or..."
We haven't talked about the kiss since it happened. We weren't avoiding each other like children. We haven't had time to think about it, let alone process it. But I know what he means. I've known Eric for a long time, working on Caelus together and other projects before this happened.
"Yeah, I know..." I replied. "What do we do about this?"
"I don't know, Clare..." he shrugs, scrubbing his hands over his face.
"When's the last time you shaved?" I wondered, glancing at the stubble on his jaw, slightly darker than his hair.
"I couldn't tell you," he chuckled.
"Hm, it suits you," I found myself saying. "You don't look like a frat boy anymore."
That made Eric laugh, and I think it was his first genuine laugh in God knows how long.
"I think Jason called me a skipper once?" he laughs.
"What the hell does that mean?" I giggled.
"I should ask him sometime," Eric nods.
"Not now; he's too busy with Salim," I remind him.
"Shit, he's got two people to deal with," he recalls.
"Yeah, he does," I winced.
"They won't be mad at him for long," he reasons.
"Yeah?" I ask. "Why do you think that?"
"Oh, come on," Eric teased. "It's Salim."
"...You're right," I agree.
"So, am I forgiven?" he asks with a grin, leaning over me.
I caught myself smiling back at him. He hasn't looked this happy in so long...you don't see this side of him often, even if we haven't been through hell..shit. This is messed up, right? I'm not over Aerin, but she was right. I've been confused about him. She picked up on it before I did...what the hell am I going to do about this?
"You're forgiven," I decided.
"Good," he sighs, messing with a strand of my hair. "Long hair suits you..."
There was a sharp knock on the door, and we pulled apart because of it. Shit.
"Aerin," I greet her.
"Joey's going to look into CENTCOM for us," was all she gave us.
"They want to break the Seal," Eric frowns. "Is there more to it than that?"
"Knowing them, there might be," Aerin shrugged. "As soon as we find something, we'll let you know, but for now, we're still getting rid of Blackwood tomorrow."
"Okay," I nod, not sure what else to say.
Aerin has been oddly formal and lifeless since she wanted to take a break. She left the room without a second glance. I wish I knew what to say...I wish I knew what to do.