Beyonce Knowles
The broken ones love the hardest, yet get nothing in return.
✨
The sky is gray and the clouds are crowding the sky like the Las Vegas strip in the summer. The rain falls every day and you wonder, would it stop? You're confused as to how drenched it is, how the air feels like everything suddenly lost its purpose. The whispers of many as I passed down the school hallway, felt like personal jabs. Some of those whispers belonged to old friends, who were held down by an anchor from the past. No matter how much they seem like they are over it, they still make you feel so small...
Like it's your fault.
But you let them, and you keep going back, because for whatever reason, your heart is easy to forgive, but never to forget. So they,
Among others, continue to stomp on your heart. Leaving it bruised and damaged.
Even though being in the same school as them was hard enough, I was better off here than at home. The house felt like a jail cell, the paint on the walls peeled, and the pictures that showed fake smiles were tilted, or broken. My father worked hard, he made it known to everyone. With his heavy dirty boots, and his stern voice booming through the house, my mom hurriedly made dinner and cleaned around just so he wouldn't make a whole scene.
I'd rather hear these discrete whispers at school than listen to my parents argue, and constantly mention how I wasn't doing anything right.
As for me, I don't know, I'm 18, graduating high school while constantly fighting this war with myself. It wasn't like this all the time, I was more of a optimistic kid. I knew what I wanted, and everything seemed like rainbows and glitter. Would you have known that my favorite color was pink? Vibrant and all. But now, everything seems so dull.
I guess that comes with age, you lose interest in the things you love and you start to wonder, is life even worth it? I tried to see the brighter side, but when every bad thing seems to be pointing at you, there appears like there's no light whatsoever. It's tiring. But I'm still here.
Right?
I walked into the principal's office. The lavender and faint rose smell rushed over me. I looked down, putting my hoodie on and watching my faded honey brown hair fall over my face.
"Well, if it isn't miss busy bee." Principal Jackson said with a loud chirp. I sat down across from her, leaning back and letting out a deep breath. I always come here to prepare myself for my first class, science. My mom and principal Jackson are close friends and she is well aware of my mental health and my disorders, so she's okay with me staying in her office. "How was your weekend, beautiful?" she asked, putting the Manila folder down.
"It's okay," I whispered in my sleeve.
"Ah, let me guess, y'all did nothing but yell at each other?" She laughed while staring at me. I nodded while forcing a fake smile, she was right. We did nothing but yell at one another. "Awe, you poor thing. I know it stemmed from your dad. Tina tells me all the time how he is acting."
Yeah...dude fucking suc-"
"Aht! Beyoncé, watch your mouth Chile!" She laughed while shaking her head. I laughed a little too. Looking around her office. The room was full of paintings and pictures of her kids, and certificates from college. She had stuffed animals on her cabinet, sometimes when I'm really upset, she would let me hold one until I was Okay.
"I'm sorry! But you know it's true!" I said with a smile, she nodded and looked out of the dusty window that showcased the parking lot.
"Yeah, I suppose. But what I also know is that you don't want to stay there. You only stay for your mother. But Giselle, you need to understand that you can change your life for the better! You're one of the smartest kids in our class! You put in the work and graduate! All the colleges will be in line for you! You can finally get out of this small ass country town and live for you!" Principal Jackson held my hand while giving me a short smile. "Just...think about it."
I looked down at her hand, seeing she was holding it tight. This wouldn't be the first time she has mentioned a four-year college, and I have been thinking about it. But like she said, I just can't leave my mom, nor am I strong enough to stand up to my dad and tell him straight up, "I'm out of here."
He would kill me.
"I-" Before I could say anything, the bell rang loudly. I cringed at its high-pitched bluster, and I pulled my hand away from hers. I grabbed my backpack and rushed out of there while waving goodbye to her. The halls were devoided, causing me to let out a breath of relief. I ran to science, hearing the faint chatter behind the closed classrooms.
Eventually, I got to science class, and the door was closed. I turned the knob and walked in. The class was bright, and the students seemed like they weren't paying attention until I walked in.
"Miss Knowles!" Mrs. Lopez called out, "Finally, you join us! Please sit." I nodded before looking down and rushing to my desk. I was in between these two girls that used to be my friends. They don't say much, nor do they bug me, but at certain times they will try to talk to me and ask me questions like, "Are you okay, Bey?"
I would say yes, but in reality, I was hopeless.
Once I got in my seat, they both smiled and waved. I just smile and hide my face in my backpack. Before, I would panic and ignore them because I didn't know how to greet both of them at the same time, but with time passing, I ultimately figured it out.
"Okay, so now that I have you all here, I will like to discuss some things before we start. One is that starting next week, we are having a student join this school. Her way of thinking and feeling emotions are more complex than ours so some of your classes may change to fit her mindset. They are volunteering for a person to take her to her classes and help her in any way she can..."
Suddenly I felt a hard-ass pen hit the back of my head. I turned around as the back of me was laughing and looking elsewhere. I shook it off, then turned back around to pay attention to the teacher, though I could care less. However, as soon as I did, another object was thrown, I looked back and saw Jay and his sidepieces laughing. He was the jock of the school, playing football even though he sucks at it.
"What the hell?" I whispered sharply while holding the back of my head, he shrugged while leaning back in his seat.
"Pay attention dumbass, she talking about yo twin," he said laughing loudly. I rolled my eyes and turned around. I'm used to him being a grown-ass child. But it doesn't mean the shit doesn't hurt. I swallowed the large lump in my throat, clenching my sleeve. The fabric of my sweater rubbed against my self-inflicted wounds, causing me to shake it off. Because that let me know...
That there's always a solution when things like this happen.
The rest of the class went on as usual, the original snickering, then asking me what the homework was. Then it was art, then it was math, then it was lunch. A break for the kids who don't do shit yet complain about everything. A break for me, where I get to sit alone while reading or coloring. This time I chose drawing instead.
I was content because I was alone. There was no one to bother me. No one to hurt me, no one to stab me in my back.
Once lunch was done, I went to my counselor's meeting. My counselor was a man who was too optimistic about everything, it was annoying. I sat down in the cool room, waiting for him to brag about his sons and how depression was just a small hole in the ground and that I can get over it.
But we knew that that was a lie.
"Giselle! I'm glad you can join me today. How are we feeling?" he asked while throwing a bag of Skittles to me. He always gives me snacks whenever we had to meet.
"I-I'm okay," I said shortly as I slowly picked it up. He nodded and crossed his hands over each other.
"Good...good. You know, I saw you sitting alone at lunch. Remember what we said?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes. He's been trying to get me to have more friends but I hate everyone here, and they hate me.
"I know...but I don't want to! No one here is like me and if I try, I'll just think of the past and mess everything up. I always do that. Everyone likes the same thing but I don't! No one would understand me..." I said as my voice broke. I usually don't get upset around this topic, but thinking about it, Is what kills me on the inside.
"I see that, Beyoncé. But that's why you need to reach out to more people. It's okay to be different and still be friends. Or...maybe you can find someone who is just like you." I tilted my head in confusion as he crossed his legs.
"What do you mean...Richard." I said with a smart tone. He laughed before letting out a deep breath.
"We have a new student. She's from new york, she's a year younger and she has social anxiety and she's nonverbal. But I promise you, she's such a bright spirit, she just hasn't found the right people..."
"So? What that got to do with me?" I asked while letting out a deep breath.
"Well, you're the same, you're both trying to find that missing piece in your life. I feel like you can help her and she can help you...just think about it when you go home! Then tell me tomorrow, also... your volunteering is extra college credit. So many benefits in one."
I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. But I don't know. Me? Volunteering to help someone out when I have issues of my own? I just can't see it. But then again, it would feel good...
To not be alone.