I should have known this was coming and yet I have no one to blame but myself.
I caused this. I caused his pain. I'm the one who hurt him in the end because I didn't want to see him upset at all. And now this has backfired majorly because seeing the sadness and the betrayal in his eyes, I've never felt so crushed, so damn empty.
My eyes fixate on the position Alex was just holding but now he's gone and I can't find the strength to go after him because I know the damage I've caused.
He'll never forgive me. He'll never forget.
"River," Demi's voice floats through the cafe.
My head lowers and I turn to glance over my shoulder, Mason is still sitting in the same chair with his eyes glued to his phone screen. I huff out a loud breath and after a moment he glances up at me.
I take three large steps towards him, tightening my fists beside me. "What the fuck is your problem?!" I yell at the top of my lungs.
Luca attempts to dive in between us, pressing a hand to my chest but I bore my eyes into Mason's lifeless ones. He's always been a sly fucker and I have no idea why we've kept him around for so long.
"You should have told him," Mason says calmly.
My eyes flare at his tone. "It was none of your fucking business."
"Enough of everyone else's business to tell Demi and the whole cafe a week ago."
I suppress a low growl and take my hand into his shirt, bunching up the fabric. Demi shouts something from behind me but I can't hear her. Mason doesn't even react, he just stares down at me and I resist the urge to swing my fist in his direction.
"Hey, hey, hey," Luca tries to shove me off Mason. "None of that in the cafe. Or I'll throw you both out."
Mason's eyes slide to Luca, scowling. "I did nothing wrong."
My teeth grind into my jaw with such force that I almost hear it crack into dust. "I will fucking deck you, Mason." I spit with severe frustration.
"I'd like to see you try."
"Enough!" Luca bellows. "This isn't a place for a fight and I swear to God, if either of you start swinging, you are no longer my friends. Not in the one place that is meant to give us peace."
I listen to Luca's words and take a step away from Mason, shoving him backwards with a little force. He doesn't really sway but he straightens out his bunched shirt with petty annoyance. I glance away from him before I do something I regret–or maybe I won't.
"Go sit over there," Luca points to the other end of the cafe.
My eyes slide across the cafe and I look at Demi who has her fingers entwined in front of her, sympathy and concern painted across her face. I slump across the floor and walk towards the other end, clutching the leather chair.
Luca exhales a long sigh, no one talks for a few moments as I try to control my breathing. I raise my head and look at the glass window, my fist itching to punch a hole through it for everything I've done. I deserve that shitty pain for upsetting the person I care about the most in this world.
"Can I just ask one thing?" Luca says slowly from behind me.
It takes me a few moments to turn around and face him. He glances from Demi to Mason and then to me. "Did you guys all really know and you didn't tell him?"
Mason rolls his eyes, Demi only hugs her arms closer to her body. Luca looks around at them both, realising they're guilty–just like I am. He scoffs at the reaction and then turns to face me, a look of disbelief and disgust in his gaze.
"That's pretty shit from you, River. I thought you'd actually treat him with some respect. He's your boyfriend and to keep vital information about his brother from him? Only for someone else to tell him and shatter his heart to pieces."
My fists tighten, pressing my nails into my palms. The words echoing around my head.
That's pretty shit from you, River.
You are a shit fucking person. You always have been. It'll never change.
"Don't you think I know what I did was wrong, Luca?" My jaw ticks as my eyes begin to burn.
All Luca does is shrug. "I don't know because I wouldn't expect something like this from you, not when Alex has suffered enough. I don't know what the hell you were trying to protect him from but you let him suffer through this alone, that you've kept secrets for the fun of it. I have no idea what went through your head when you thought this would be a good idea."
Demi's head lowers to the ground and Mason finally grabs his shit. "I'm going," he mutters under his breath.
I resist the urge to look at him as he leaves because I know for a fact we'll end up brawling in the streets. He'll most likely destroy me but I can't believe he'd do this, even if he's trying to prove a point. I wish he did it another fucking way where Alex wasn't totally humiliated in front of everyone.
Oh God. What have I done?
The bell rings and Mason leaves.
"What am I going to do?" I whisper down to the floor.
Demi walks towards me, arms still around herself. "River, you need to put this right."
"How?" I exhale sharply. "He hates me. He doesn't trust me. I can't fix this because I have broken everything we built between us. Ugh–" I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my heart clench tightly in my chest.
She unwinds her arm and presses it to my own. "I know you didn't do this maliciously, Riv. I know you did it because you were scared of what would happen when you told him, if it was even true. But to him, I get why this is so devastating."
I nod at her words. The feeling of needles piercing my heart makes me feel like I'm bleeding through my jumper and onto the floor.
My eyes stupidly take a glance at Luca out of the corner of my eye, he's staring me down and I don't even want to know what he's thinking. He thinks I'm an idiot for doing this to Alex, to someone who came here with nothing and I've pushed him away even more.
"Give him some time," Demi catches my attention again.
"But I know what he's like when he spirals, I'm worried about him."
Luca tuts quietly. "Well maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to keep things from him."
"Luca," Demi mumbles under her breath. "I know you're annoyed but now isn't the time."
His eyes glance towards the counter and he walks away, packing up for the night. At least there was no one else in the cafe when Alex came in crying, I couldn't imagine how angry Luca would have been if we kicked off in front of his customers. Especially knowing the struggle he's been going through with his mother recently.
My head hangs low and Demi remains at my side. "I know how you feel for him, River. I know you care about him so deeply."
I can't even meet her eyes because I know I'm going to be shedding tears.
"But don't give up on him," she says, ducking her head to get a better look at my face. "You two were amazing together, I saw the way you look at each other, the way you both light up a room when you're together. I know you feel things for him, things you've never felt before. But I'm telling you, don't give up."
"What if I've destroyed everything?"
"Then you work for it. You prove to him that he can trust you. Do whatever you need but also give him time, give him space. Respect what he wants but still, keep going. Be optimistic, what happened was shitty but right now he's going to be in a space of isolation," Demi breathes and my stomach flips, a wave of nausea hitting me like a truck. "He's just found out this information and he doesn't have you anymore. So keep checking on him, ask how he is, if he doesn't want to talk then you'll know. But over time things might change."
I shake my head, a single tear dripping from my eye. "I don't deserve him. I've never deserved anything good in this world because I keep destroying everything."
Demi's lip quivers and she shakes her head. "That's not true. You made one mistake, it can be put right."
I have nothing left to say so she gives me a hug. I whisper a quiet goodbye before I slip out of the cafe and head home. When I see our apartment building I practically run there, climbing the stairs to our floor.
My knuckles raise to his door and I knock. "Alex," I say quietly. "Please let me explain."
No sound is made behind the door and I chew on my lip. Would he have come home? I don't know where else he would have gone.
"Please just let me explain," I say a little louder. "I don't want you to be alone. I know you're upset and I'm worried about you."
Silence.
I rest my forehead against the door and close my eyes in defeat. "Please," I whisper. "Alex, please just let me see you. Let me explain. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
A noise echoes inside and I pull my head away from the door but it doesn't open. I frown at the wooden frame, the sound shuffling again. He's here but he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what else I was expecting but this was definitely the outcome.
"Alex," I say softly. "Please."
After a few minutes of silence, I have to accept that he isn't going to answer the door because I am the last person he wants to see right now.
I slowly drag my feet down the hall back to my own apartment. I press the key into my door and fall into my apartment that feels so incredibly quiet and empty without him. Especially as we've been sleeping in each other's beds for the past week and now I'm alone because of my own stupid actions.
My foot kicks the door shut and I sit in the dark, not bothering to shed my jacket or my shoes. I sit down on my sofa and face the wall, resting my arms on my knees. One tear escapes my eye and then another.
I've always been told about heartbreak but I didn't realise it would feel like this.
Like I've lost a limb, a part of my soul. Everything I fucking own.
I bury my head into my hands and curse to myself, my palms becoming wet from my pathetic tears. I shouldn't be the one crying, not when I upset Alex to the point of hatred for everything. I should be there for him right now, I should be. But I can't.
My heart misses a beat at the thought of losing him forever.
Fear soars through me like a whipping of the wind and it has me doubling over again, struggling to take a breath. I never knew I could experience something so intense because I do–I do love him.
I've loved him for a while. I've loved him secretly because I wanted to give him time.
And maybe I should have used that love to do the right thing. Instead of sabotaging the best thing that has ever happened to me. My hands shake in front of me and I tell myself that I deserve this.
I deserve this. Over and over.
❖ ❖ ❖
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Author's Note
Oh my baby River😭😭😭😭😭
I don't think Mason is going to be coming back round any time soon
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Can Alex forgive him???
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