T
he news that followed the next day was confusing. All she knows is that she is at house arrest and that her marriage is moved up. The anxiety she felt all day with everyone talking and laughing around her was overwhelming. Worse, she kept thinking she was making a fool of herself by not speaking at all. It was hard for her to speak. Being confined in four walls since she was able to say her first word and never having anyone to speak to had its effects. One which means she wants to say something, then she doesn't, then she regrets being such a coward.
After the ladies decided on their tasks while all she was assigned to was to rest and monitor, they all left. Apparently, his family house had two sides and each was distributed between men and women.
"Hey". She heard someone say as she kept sitting in the dining room and she found Aaira smiling, "It's been forever since we last met".
She awkwardly smiles back, "Yeah".
"None of that". Aaira said causing her to frown, "Smiles or talks because you feel like you should do it. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I can practically feel your anxiety from here. What can I do to help?"
"You don't think it's stupid? Everyone is being so nice and supportive, not even letting me do a thing and here I am like an idiot". She said sighing wishing she was normal
"Please". Aaira said dramatically falling beside her, "You should've seen how I was back then. Being alone and on my own most of my life, it gets exhausting when they all focus on you".
"Really? But you always look happy".
"That is because of my husband. He knows when my social battery drains and rescues me. Also because it's been almost a year now with everyone and I got used to it". Aaira forwards her hand towards her waiting for her nod as she holds her hand, "That doesn't mean you have to do that. Take your time. When it gets too much, leave. They all understand why. They have been through some things and they understand us".
"They went through trauma? They don't look like it".
Aaira chuckles, "Don't judge a book by it's cover". She sighs, "They have been through some tough times".
"They look... Happy". She hesitated to share her thoughts but the understanding in Aaira's eyes made her add, "People look happy after they suffer through something bad".
"No. People look happy when they allow themselves to heal".
"How?"
"First, threapy. I mean threapy excessively. You need to untie your thoughts and redo them. Then you need to do things to heal yourself. Threapy isn't going fix things for you. You need to allow yourself to do things you never did".
"Like what?"
"For me, it was to love and to be loved. I didn't allow anyone to care for me or more like I never had anyone to care for me. So when my husband tried, I fought it. Then, I let it happen and it has been a blessing".
"To love and be loved". She repeated as she thinks if she was capable of that
"Let's do something fun. Have you ever had a movie marathon with snacks?"
How can she explain that she never had much luxury.
Aaira seems to just know and instead she shut off the lights and started on a movie. Good thing was that she didn't ask her to choose or overwhelm her with further questions. She didn't even ask what snacks she wants (because she never had snacks) and instead brought every kind of snacks for her.
One movie turned into five and the women of the house started filling the room. While Aaira presence made it feel like comfort, she found herself relaxing just a little as the women kept quiet around her this time and only watched the movies.
"Come with me". Aaira whispers to her as she holds her hand taking her out of the living room, "I have a surprise for you".
She didn't even get to ask what was the surpise as she was pushed into the room she was occupying. She stumble a little before gaining her balance. She looks at the close door and wonder if the surpise was to be left alone. Her shoulder dropped when she was finally alone and she felt like the weight was off her shoulder now.
She turns around startled as she looks at her husband sitting on her bed watching her.
"It's been too long since I last saw you". He spoke before she even had a time to comprehend, "Come closer so I can make up for the time I was away from you".
She could feel her cheeks starting to burn under his eyes. She never felt this way. The pounding of her heart. The anticipation to be near him. She never felt this grip on her. The tingle spread through even before she was close to him. He takes her hand as soon as she was near bringing her closer to him.
"Just as pretty as I remember". He whispers as he tucks a strand of her hair away, "How was your time away from me?"
She consider lying since it was his family and she didn't want to upset him by being unreasonable.
He taps her nose, "Only the truth, love".
She sighs, "It was exhausting. Your family is great-"
He place his finger on her lips, "I know how my family is. They sometimes gets to me too. You don't have to defend how you feel to me".
She places her head on his chest, inhaling deeply, "They are wonderful. However, I am just not the one for the crowd. I like isolation. Especially since yesterday I was in the compound and the memories came back. I can't be around them".
He tangle his hand through her hair as he massage on the right spot easing her more into him, "If you want, we can delay this".
She shakes her head, "It will never be different for me. I do like-" She stops talking before she embarrass herself
"You like what?"
"It's nothing".
"Still. Tell me".
She bites her lips, "I saw some post on social media of wedding and wedding dresses. I like wedding dresses, decoration and foods".
"Good. One of us should have a good knowledge to make it worth while. Do you want to plan the wedding?"
"But everyone already decided everything for us".
"They will cancel. They won't mind. They just want it to be perfect. If you think you can do it and that it won't be too much. Then I want you to do it for us. I will help and be there however you want".
For once in her life she felt like her mind wasn't just working against her. Instead she had so many plans in her head that she felt her head will hurt. But, she felt something else too. It was sweet feeling bubbling inside her and making her giggle.
"What made you laugh?" He looks genuinely curious as he turns his head down to look at her and his other hand pushing her face towards him, "I like it".
She couldn't help the giggle, "It's just my mind is making so many plans. I feel like I will burst, I don't know what I feel".
"You are excited".
"I am?"
"Yes, you are, love. You are excited about doing everything and your small body couldn't hold it all in". He graces her with a beautiful smile as he kisses her forehead, "Tell me all your plans".
"I know we have three events. For mehdi, I don't want stranger touching me". She shudder, "Last time, it was so hard to sit through that. I hate when people I don't know touches me".
"Why didn't you say anything?"
He didn't like how she seems to not speak whenever she is uncomfortable.
"I just can't. It's hard to voice things out for me". She mumble, almost embarrassed, "I just never spoke to anyone. I just spoke very few words. The only reason I learnt to speak was only because my father wanted me to beg everytime he would hit me".
His arms tightened around her, "Is your father around?"
"I don't know. Kabir never told me".
He stiffened, "What do you mean?"
"I don't know how Kabir knew I was in the dungeon. He just knew. He appeared one day, sat with me for hours because I was hyperventilating that he was there to hurt me-"
"You had other men come in to hurt you?"
She wiggle in his hands but he didn't let her go, "Sometimes. That's why I hate other/strangers touches. They didn't went that far. But I just feel very disgusted".
He gritted his teeth, "How did Kabir get you out?"
"Kabir and Romaisa. After Kabir sat a whole day with me speaking about his family, his wife joined after a while. I don't remember much after. It's just all blank. Until I found myself in a children room with his daughter sitting beside me". She shrugged, "He never spoke of my father beside that he will never let that man hurt me again. I never ask again because I was just scared that Kabir might find me annoying".
"You are not annoying".
She pulls back and he didn't have time to stop her movement.
"You don't understand". She said frustrated, "I have to work twice as hard because Kabir did so much for me. I need to repay him. If I don't, I am scared he will dispose me. I can't let go of him. He saved me, feed me, and paid for me. He stayed with me whenever he could to help with my panic attacks. If I don't do my best, no one will ever want me. I am not worthy of anything especially not people like Kabir, you and your family".
He looks at her for a moment placing his hand on her cheek, "That's not true. It is not true". He pauses, "Your worth is never determined by how hard you work. That's not how family works. But, I know it's hard to grasp that concept when your family was just not what families should be. I will let you figure out just how family are and should be. But, I want you to be open. At least try".
She nodded.
He knows he had to speak to Kabir uncle to find out about her father anf if there is any chance of risk to her life. If her father was a criminal (he hopes Kabir had killed him), he might not be in it alone. There could be more people involved like his grandparents. Since his grandparents and uncle is in jail, he would have to increase their jail time too. He wouldn't want them to be free and cause trouble.
Just as he was lost in his thoughts, he didn't realize that she was silent. He looks down to find her sleeping on his chest and he couldn't help the smile that came on his lips. He loves this feeling. To know she can feel safe with him. He hates himself for everything he had done to her so far. He knows now why Kabir insisted that he will regret if he cause her hurt. He understands why Kabir was so protective of her too.
Even as she says that Kabir wasn't as present in her life as she would like. He knows Kabir made sure that he took care of bigger picture for her. He would have moved everything around to make sure she was safe. That's all Kabir ever cared about. His family to stay safe.
He stayed with her until he couldn't. He knows his mother will come knocking on her door soon. He knows that it is close to dinner time. He move her gently to the bed and she let out a small whine. He stops for a moment wishing that he could stay a little longer and her face scrunches up at not being close to him. But, she moves around and settle down after minute. He quickly escape the room to the men's wing.
She sits at the table as the women speaks and laughs at the random stories they remember. She feels awkward all over again. She wonder if she could eat fast. She could try that.
"Ziva". She heard his mother say and she found that everyone had already left the room, "Where did you go?"
"Sorry".
His mother waves her hand, "None of that. My son told me that you like to enjoy your food. So don't worry and just eat, ok? I will say here as long as you want".
"You don't have to".
"I don't. But I want you. I told you, Ziva, you are family and we take care of our family".
Her eyes brimmed with tears and she couldn't help herself. She burst into tears as his mother warm smile greeted her. She couldn't remember ever feeling a warmth from a female. She never had a mother. She doesn't even know who her mother is. She never had a female who she could turn to when things get hard or whenever she needed advice. Her adolescence was in the cage too. She remembers being scared to death when she bleed for the first time. She remembers how much she cried alone begging for help. She thought she was dying. The pain was excessive. She couldn't stop bleeding and she had no idea what was going on. The maid who was appointed to help around things was gone too.
No, her father killed her in front of her when he found out that she was helping her.
She remembers that night. She remembers all the night. She felt her breathing hitched and the warm smile his mother had changed in an instant. She push the chair back, trying to gather her emotions. She blocked her memories. She remembers she did that. She tried hard to forget everything.
Why is she remembering everything now? Her blinks repeatedly because there was something about his mother that seems familiar. Familiar scares her. Familiar means she met her in the past.
She stumble as her mother spoke to someone hysterically. She heard the other women entering and all she felt was crowded. She needs to breathe. She needs to leave. If she knows his mother from the past, did she hurt her? Was his mother involved with her father? She tried to remember if she ever saw his mother in the dungeon. There weren't many people who had access to it.
She heard the banging and loud voices carrying around her. She was numb. She could feel the fear in her bone. She knows once she found out what connection she has with his mother everything will be over. If she was from her past, there will be no questions asked. It will all be over before it even start.
Did she hurt his mother?
The more she tried to think about his behavior towards her and his aggressiveness towards her in the start until just a day ago. There has to be a connection.
Someone hold her face in their hand raising her eyes to theirs.
"Baby, Ziva, please". She heard someone plead
No one ever pleaded to her. She was always the one to plead.
"Please, Ziva. Look at me. Come back to me".
She blinks and tries to focus again. There were no sounds or loud noises anymore. She tried to focus on something and she felt a hand wrap around her. The touch and wramth of her husband sweeping into her cold body.
"Ehan?" She whispers as she looks at her husband
His terrifying expression pulls on her heart. She always cause suffering.
"Yes. It's your Ehan. I am here". He said as he resist the urge to pull her closer
He didn't want to start her panic attack again in case he crowds her. He couldn't help but wrap a hand around her to feel that she was there. That she was ok.
She let out a shudder breath. She moves back from his hands and he couldn't help but reach out again. Yet she takes two steps away.
"I-I need to see Kabir". She mumble and looks at him, "Do you know where he is?"
"He is with his daughter. His daughter wasn't feeling well". He explained, "I can ask him to come".
She shakes her head, "Can I borrow your driver? No, I will just call an Uber, no need to worry".
She was shaking.
"Ziva, please". The hurt in his voice was too much for her right now, "Let me take you to him, please. I need to know you are safe".
She disagree, "No. No. I need to go".
She starts to move towards the room assigned to her. She could feel the tension and stress she caused everyone. No one stops her and she heard her husband behind her as he tries to stop her. She needs her phone. She needs to call a Uber and leave.
"I need to go". She kept mumbling, "I have to go".
"Ziva". He shouted and she turns to him, "The driver can take you. Let him".
She took a deep breath. She nodded because she could see how much she was hurting him.
"Good. Wait here, ok?" He runs outside and come back in after a minute
He didn't stop before he walks towards her and remove his jacket throwing it over her shoulder and helping her in it.
He place a hand over her cheek, "You will come back to me, right? You won't abandon me?"
She didn't say anything.
"Please, Ziva. Don't leave me. Everyone did. Not you, please".
"Do you know?" She asked wondering if he was scared because he knows
"About what?"
"Nothing. Is the driver here?"
He nodded, hesitating. He grabs her hand as he walks her out of the house. He didn't let go even when they were in front of his car.
"You have to come back. You need to, Ziva. Whatever it is, we can fight together. Don't leave".
She pull her hand away from him and enter the car. The whole ride was a blur as she finally reached the hospital and the floor Kabir was on. It seems he was already waiting for her because when she was in his view, he pointed towards a seperate room. She hates that she was doing this when he was worried sick about his daughter.
"What is it, Ziva?"
She closes her eyes, "What is my connection to Ehan's mother?" She thought she might be imagining a connection but when she looks at Kabir she knows she wasn't, "I hurt her, didn't I?"
She knows she did.