Forest
Atlas came over about a week ago, shaking and on the verge of panic. I comforted him while he told me everything there is to know about his father, and what happened to him that night. After that, we watched a movie to take his mind off everything. It worked, until a few hours later when his sister texted him saying their dad is in a coma, and he had to return to the hospital. I haven't heard from him since.
He hasn't been at school, he hasn't texted or called, and his house is abandoned. Radio silence. I'm upset with him, and I feel guilty for it. He's going through a rough time with his dad, I couldn't imagine whats going on in his head, but it doesn't take that much to pick up the phone and send a text. He told me how he feels about his dad, and I know he's not so broken up about his coma that he can't text me. I'm more worried about him than I am upset, I need to know if he's okay.
And, selfishly, I miss him.
I can't reach him, and I don't know any of his friends, so the only solution is to track him down. Does that make me extremely clingy? Stalkerish even? Yes. However, I'm too scared for him to care. I'll start with the hospital, because that's where he should be, right? That's where his father and sister are, that's where he should be. Will he be mad at me if I show up unannounced? I don't even know what I am to him, how will he feel about me medaling in his personal life?.
As soon as I get home from school today, I changed out of my uniform and called an Uber to take me to the hospital. It's Friday, and I have plenty of time to coax Atlas to come out from hiding. But the first step is to find him, and my best bet is to start with the source. Once the Uber arrives, I hop inside and pray that I'm right. That he's really where I think he is, and that he's okay.
Atlas told me about his moods. How one second, he'll go from perfectly fine, to completely out of it the next. He told me he feels numb when he gets like that, and he's prone to destroying everything and everyone around him because he can't feel sad about it. He pushes people away, like a self destruct button. Though I don't think that's true, I don't think he'd ever do that. He says most of the time he can tell when his mood starts to darken, so he tries to distance himself from people for a while so he doesn't 'ruin' everything.
Maybe that's what he's doing now. I mean, with all the stress being put on him and everything with his family, I don't doubt he started to feel it. I think it's his bodies way of protecting him from feeling something that might hurt him, like his fathers heart attack. Mental health is important, and I hope he knows that his feelings are valid. That he's not alone in this and I'm here for him. That he's not wrong for feeling this way, and he's not weird or different because of it.
The hospital isn't too far from my house, which means I get there far too quickly. I didn't have enough time to figure out what I'm even going to say to him, if I even find him. I hop out of the Uber, paying the man very generously. I shut the car door and start towards the entrance of the hospital. As soon as I make it in, I'm hit with the smell of bleach and something else I can't make out, and I don't know if I want to. The lady at the front desk smiles at me, drawing my attention towards her.
"Hi, how are you?" I say, sending her my most charming smile that seems to do exactly what I want it to. I truly feel bad for people with jobs like this, others tend to treat them like they aren't human. It's disgusting. We exchange greetings, but after that I get straight to the point. I'm too giddy for small talk. "I'm looking for someone with the last name Hart?" I ask, hopeful that she won't question me.
"Yes, Jeremiah Hart, is it?" The lady- Gabrielle,
her name tag says- asks politely. Okay, I don't actually know his first name, but maybe if I just nod she'll go with it. "And in what relation are you to this patient?" My first instinct is to say his sons boyfriend, it's on the tip of my tongue. However, I'm not sure if that's true.
"Look, I'm his sons best friend, and I know that may not be considered family, but he needs someone right now and I'm all he's got." I tell Gabrielle, leaning against the desk so only she can hear me. That seems to do the trick, because she nods at me and looks something up on her computer.
"Okay, his room number is one forty-five, you're good to go." I offer her another smile and begin my journey to Jeremiah's hospital room, a man I've never really met, and I'm not even going for him. The elevator ride to the right floor is painful, it was barely a minute but it felt like hours. My stomach swam with anticipation and nerves, I am not in control of my emotions and I hate it. That's normally the one thing I do have control over, but lately that doesn't seem to be true anymore.
What if Atlas isn't even here? My anxiety spikes at the thought. He has to be here. There's no where else for him to go for that long, it doesn't make sense. I can't imagine him being okay or in the right headspace to be alone right now. I want to help him, but to do that, I need to find him first. I walk down the hallway, passing what feels like millions of doors to get to the one that matters. As I'm approaching, I here someone unfamiliar call my name from behind me.
"Forest?" The voice says questionably. I turn around to find Athena, Atlas' sister, sitting on a bench not too far away from her fathers room. She looks pretty tired, sick even. There are dark circles under her eyes, which are swollen and red from crying. Her cheeks are red as well and her mouth is making a sad pout. "Atlas isn't here, if that's who you're looking for." Athena speaks again, this time I note the raspy tone in her voice. That's definitely a disappointment, but I don't tell her that, and I don't leave either. This girl clearly needs someone right now, and if she's important to Atlas, she's important to me.
"How are you?" I ask, sitting next to her on the bench. She looks at me in surprise, like she's not used to people asking her that.
"I'm doing as good as I can be." She mutters. I can tell she's hiding her true feelings, but why would she tell me anything anyway? Technically, I'm still a stranger to her.
"I'm Forest." I stretch my hand out in front of her, offering it to her to shake. She looks over at me with a confused look, I just flash her a smile in return, shaking my hand a little to convince her. "Since we were never properly introduced." I clarify, so she understands what I'm doing. She can't be younger than fourteen, but I say it just in case. She giggles and takes her small hand in mine, shaking it.
"I'm Athena." She tells me, speaking a little louder this time around, which makes me smile. I think she's getting comfortable around me, more confident.
"What happened with your dad, Athena?" I know that he had a heart attack, and that's about it.
"Where do I even begin?" She asks, more to herself than me. I tell her to start from the beginning, because I want to know everything. "When our mom passed, our father was in denial about it up until we buried her, and after that he was in shock. He pretty much hasn't moved from our living room until the other day.
"The doctors said he was so heartbroken because of her death, that he went into shock. Every once in a while, he would break out of it and become really aggressive. Well, this time around, he broke out permanently, and had a heart attack. Now, he's in a coma and we don't know when he will wake up." Atlas has danced around this topic a few times, but Athena's confession pieces everything together. I finally understand now.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that." I tell her, putting my hand on hers to try and give her at least a little comfort. "How are you really feeling?"
"I'm scared," She says, taking a big pause in between like she's trying to gather her thoughts. "I'm scared that he's really gone this time and I'll be all alone. I'm scared that I'll have to go live with another family." A tear slips down her cheek, one of a hundred I'm sure.
"You won't be alone, you'll have Atlas." She looks at me then, and her face reveals that she doesn't truly believe that, but only for a split second before she looks away. I want to question it, but I also think that it's not really my business.
"Yeah. I guess."
"Do you know where Atlas is now?" I ask hesitantly, not sure if I'm stepping over a line I should not cross.
"No. He left a few days ago, and I haven't heard from him since." She wipes the tears running down her face, and I have the urge to hug her. So much grief has tainted this family. "Sometimes..." She trails off, her pause telling me she's deciding if she should tell me this or not. "Sometimes Atlas gets really sad, or angry, and he disappears. It could be for a couple days, or it could be for a couple weeks. It's slowed down a lot recently, almost to a complete stop, but I should've known this would happen." Would it be selfish to think that maybe he's stopped disappearing because of me? I'm definitely getting ahead of myself. "I can't say for sure where he is, but I think I might have an idea."
She tells me the spot Atlas goes to hang out, she also reminds me that there's a slim possibility he's really there, but it's worth a shot. I'll travel across the country if it means I'll know he's doing okay. I leave the hospital after giving Athena a hug, call an Uber, and hop in. The skate park is much farther away, so this time around, I have time to think about what I'm going to say. But even with all this time, I'm still not sure.
I'm not mad at him. I shouldn't be mad at him. However, I do feel upset, and maybe I'm subconsciously slightly mad that he didn't text me. He had to know I'd worry like crazy about him, right? I understand what he's going through, and that if this is what he thinks he needs to do, then so be it. But he could've told me, I wouldn't have judged him. I'd never do that.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to say, or do, when I see him, but I have decided that I'm not going to bombard him with my feelings. He's going through a lot right now, too much to worry about me. So I'll show up, make sure he's safe, make sure he's okay, and I'll see how it goes from there. I just hope he won't be mad at me for it.
I don't know how long it's actually been when I arrive, because I pretty much blacked out that entire drive over here. I'm pretty sure the guy giving me a ride tried to make small talk with me, but I didn't even bother talking back. I physically couldn't, I was too busy trying to rearrange my thoughts and plan out our entire conversation. I hoped out of the Uber, and again, payed the guy very generously. I already feel bad about not talking to the guy.
It was getting dark out, and I could see angry gray clouds forming in the sky, which meant it was probably going to rain. But I don't care. I couldn't see anyone as I was approaching, but when I got close, that's when I saw him. The first thing I felt was relief, he's okay. The second thing I felt was complete awe. God, how can he look so devastatingly gorgeous at such a time like this?
He's wearing a gray zip up hoodie, navy blue cargo pants, and black vans. His hair is messy, but still looking as soft as ever. His hands are in the pockets of his jacket, looking effortless as he does tricks I don't even know how to explain on his skate bored. He's everything I shouldn't want, but everything I do want at the same time. He's looking like trouble, and chaos, and mysteriously perfect, and all I want to do is run up to him and hug him. But I don't know where his head is at.
"Hi." I say quietly. I'm standing at the edge, right before the concrete dips down. His body completely freezes, his movements stop, causing him to almost fall. He catches himself and lands with both feet on the ground, using his foot to flip the skateboard up so he can catch it in his hand. I'll never understand how people can do that. Then he turns around, and I inhale a sharp breath. His right cheek is bruised and his bottom lip is cut. Did he get in a fight?
"What are you doing here, Forest?" His voice is flat when he says this, curt and void of emotion. Just like his eyes: completely blank. He didn't even call me love. He must see something in my expression, because he turns his face away from me and clenches his jaw. Something burns deep inside of me, I can tell something is very wrong.
"Who did that to you?" I say, hopping down into the rink and walking towards him. I attempt to touch his face when I'm close enough, but he stops me. My cheeks heat and I feel something unfamiliar lurking, rejection. Technically, it wouldn't be true if I said unfamiliar, because I've been feeling rejected a lot as of lately.
"Go home." He says sternly, it makes me feel like I'm being scolded by my parents. He won't even look at me.
"No. Not until you tell me what's going on." I make my voice firmer, trying to make him take me seriously, but it just makes me feel like even more of a child. "Not until I know you're okay."
"I've been at the hospital all week and my phones been dead, I just came here to let out some steam." Lie.
"Don't play that game with me, I know you weren't at the hospital." I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight.
"You went to the fucking hospital?" His eyes snap to me and his voice raises ever so slightly, I don't know if I'm happy he's showing emotion or scared out of my mind because he's never been angry with me before. Anxiety pools in my stomach. Well, more than it already was.
"Yes, I did. I was worried about you. You can't just disappear off the face of the earth when something bad happens and expect me to shrug it off." I stay clam, because one of us has to if we want to have a civil conversation. We're in no place to fight. "I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't go about my day not knowing if you were safe. So, yes, I went to the hospital. Sue me!" My blood is burning, and my self control is weakening with every second I keep ranting.
"If you know what's good for you, you'd leave right now. You shouldn't be here." Atlas almost whispers, but he's not fooling me, I can see his fists clenching so hard his knuckles are turning white and his jaws about to pop from how hard he's biting down. His eyes are less blank, but still lacking their usual spark.
"Maybe I don't care about what's good for me."
"You should, because I am not good for you." His voice broke, causing my heart to clench and feel pressure behind my eyes.
"Atlas, you know that isn't true." I step closer to him, trying to feel out the situation. He steps back, clearly still not wanting me to touch him. That breaks my heart even more.
"Isn't it? You lost all your friends because of me, everyone judges you now just like they do me. And what will happen if your parents find out about whatever this is? Your life will be over in a matter of seconds, all because of me." He runs his hand through his hair, tugging it slightly. I think that's a coping mechanism for him. "You know that you're the only thing keeping me from falling apart? You said that I'm your sky, but you're my world, Forest. It revolves around you, and that's too much pressure to put on someone. You don't deserve that." He says, out of breath and looking distraught.
"What? Atlas, that's crazy. I don't care about loosing friends that were never really my friends in the first place, and a reputation that was toxic from the start. Honestly, you were doing me a favor." I step closer, he doesn't step back. That's a start. "And I don't care if my parents find out. For you, I'm willing to risk my life in a heartbeat."
The silence that comes after is deafening. My heart is beating so fast that I swear I can feel it in my ears. My hands are sweating, and I feel hot all over, adrenaline coursing through my veins at the thought of loosing him. I won't let that happen, I refuse. Atlas looks away from me, his eyes studying the distance, but I think he's actually deciding something. "Do you seriously believe that?" He finally asks, his head tilting as he looks at me again. God, I love that head tilt.
"Of course." I tell him softly, stepping closer so I'm standing right in front of him. The anger long gone, and I completely forgot about everything I was mad about. I don't even care anymore, I'm too busy trying to undo a hole I didn't know was created. "And for what it's worth, my world revolves around you, as well. You're my sky. My world. My everything. I'm okay with having that responsibility, if you're okay with it too."
"I'm okay with it." He smiles slightly, moving a piece of my hair away from my forehead. Tingles shoot through my whole body, the adrenaline calming down. We're okay.
"But seriously, are you okay? Are you safe?" I'm sure he can hear the worry practically bursting from me, but I'm too tired to care. It's been a long day.
"I am now, and yes, I'm safe." I don't ask him to clarify where he's been or what he's been doing, and how he got those bruises. I'm not sure I want to know.
"Good, now I can do this." I hit his chest and then pushed his shoulders so he stumbles back, looking at me with a shocked expression. "If you ever disappear like that again, you will call me, understand?" I point a finger in his face so he knows I mean business.
"Yes, sir." He says, smirking at me. That's hot.
"God, I was so worried about you." I put my hand over my face, wishing they'd suck all the stress away. I hear him approach me, and feel him take my hands away from my face by the wrists. He doesn't let go of them, keeping them in between his fingers and rubbing them with his thumbs. I look up at him and see his eyes soft with emotion, no longer blank like before. The mismatched colors are much prettier this way, though I love them no matter what.
I love him no matter what.
"I know. I'm sorry." He mumbles, moving his hands from my wrists to my hands, holding them in his. "I'll call next time."
"Good. Now let's go home, I'm exhausted." I tell him, turning around and pulling him in the opposite direction. But before I can really get anywhere, Atlas tugs on my hand and spins me around, pulling me flush against his body. Then, he kisses me. Hard. It's full of passion, and longing. We don't use tongue and the kiss isn't sexual, he's only pressing his lips to mine like a promise. Like he's saying sorry and telling me how much he missed me.
"I couldn't wait till we got home to do that."
06/30/23