Chapter 15: Little Did I Know
Noah
My fingers drum incessantly on my desk, agitation pouring out of me. The only thing I keep thinking is that I wish I could go back to the peace-filled drive with Avery the other night. Little did I know then it was the last time things would ever be simple.
Since then I found out my best friend is supposedly doing drugs. After leaving Lacey's on Sunday I went directly to see Ryan. When I brought up the pills Lacey found in his bag he somehow managed to turn it into a joke. I should've known I wouldn't get a straight answer from him, but I at least hoped my conversation with him would reassure me. However, by the time I left reassured was the last thing I was. And yet what could I do about it? I hadn't seen him take anything and he wouldn't admit to it, so how was I supposed to help him? I was still working that one out for myself.
Since then I'd been antsy and easily frustrated, but I couldn't help feeling excitement knowing that I was going to see Avery in school Monday. However, she wasn't in her first period class or at lunch and the longer I went without seeing her the more agitated I became. Maybe she just had a cold or something, but her absence disturbed me unexplainably.
Now I sit in last period, eyes watching the students still streaming into the room, hoping one will be her. None of them are, though, and so I settle into my desk and wait for the period to drag by.
It does eventually and I sigh in relief with the sound of the final bell. Ryan follows me out, humming obnoxiously loud as he does. Apparently he isn't fazed by the drug accusations from the day before. I don't know whether to feel relieved or even more concerned.
"Give me a ride home?" he says and I nod.
We drive in silence...well, sort of. Neither of us talk, but Ryan does sing along to the radio. Instead of singing the words to the songs like a normal person, though, he sings out the drum parts and other background music in a ridiculously loud fashion. The noise grates on my nerves until I drop him off and am left in a real silence this time. It's only after the loud energy Ryan provides is gone that I realize how deafening the quiet can be.
It gets to the point that I can't take it any more and grab my phone without thinking and dial Avery's number. It rings and rings until I hear Avery's voice, sweet and yet tired-sounding, saying to leave a message. Then there's the beep and nothing left to do, but speak into the silence knowing that there will be no reply.
"Hey, Av, it's Noah. I was just calling to see what you were up to. Call me back if you're bored and want to go for a drive or something," I say and then hang up.
I spend the next few hours pacing around my house, bored out of my mind, and trying not to look desperate by checking my phone every two seconds. I'm so antsy I don't even bother taking out my guitar today. I attempt to watch TV for a little while, something I never do, but after only a couple minutes I get up and start wandering through my house again.
My phone rings and I snatch it up so quickly it almost flies right out of my fingers. When I answer, though, it's not exactly the voice I was hoping to hear, which makes me feel strangely guilty for some reason.
"Hey, Lace," I say in reply to her greeting.
"You wanna get dinner or something?" she asks and I nod even though she can't see me. Yet somehow she knows anyway. "Okay, I'll pick you up in twenty."
And she does. Exactly twenty minutes later Lacey flies her beat-up Saturn into my driveway, kicking up dirt as she goes. She chatters on excitedly as we go, normal Lacey behavior, and I do my best to listen. No matter how hard I try to push her from my mind, though, I can't help wondering what Avery is doing and where she was today. People skip school all the time, but I have this weird feeling nagging at me like a scratch I can't itch that this is different. Little did I know how right I was.
***
Days went by and there was still no sign of Avery. She didn't come to school and she didn't answer my calls no matter how many messages I left, and I left more than I'd like to admit. It got to the point that I would drive by her house just to see if she was there, but her car was never in the driveway. It was like she just dropped off the face of the Earth. Or like she had never existed at all.
I was the only one that was worried. The other kids at school, the teachers, neither seemed to care or even notice her absence. She was just as invisible when she was there and when she wasn't. Not to me, though. Her empty desk took on a presence that filled the entire room to me. I often found myself staring at it hard, as if I were willing her to appear. She didn't.
Avery had only been in my life for a short time, but she had changed things for me so much already that I missed her to the point that it sort of freaked me out. I've never been one for relationships, but I just wanted to be near her. When she was around it was like the black hole inside me became smaller and I could learn to breathe again. Without her the aching darkness returned full force. I never even realized how much she had changed for me until she was suddenly gone.
My biggest fear inspired by Avery's absence and vacant-looking house was that she had moved back to Georgia. What if her mother and her had decided they wanted to go home and up and left? I didn't want to believe that she would go without saying goodbye, but it was hard to say what Avery would or wouldn't do. If that was the case, though, then why wouldn't she answer my calls? The whole situation was driving me entirely insane to the point that I couldn't even find the effort to put together band practices or so much as pick up my guitar. I hate that she has such an effect on me.
I drive home from school after suffering through another day without Avery, taking my now daily detour that takes me past Avery's house. This time, though, my searching eyes immediately latch onto the car parked in the driveway that has been abandoned for days. Without even questioning it, I pull in and park.
My heart beats faster than I'd like to admit as I knock on the door. Seconds tick by and I begin to think no one will answer. Whether she answers or not I'm not going anywhere. This is the first sign of her I've gotten in days and I'm not giving up on it easily.
I knock again, louder, and this time I hear footsteps approaching. The knob turns, the door cracks open and I fully expect to see Avery standing on the other side. However, I find a middle-aged woman with short brown hair that shares no resemblance to Avery in the least standing before me.
"Uh, hi. Are you Avery's mom?" I ask.
"No, I'm Belinda. Her nurse," she answers and I feel my eyebrows furrow in confusion. Avery's nurse? Or her mom's? "Who are you?"
"My name's Noah. I'm a friend of Avery's," I reply, sounding unsure of myself. "Is she...is she here?"
Belinda opens up her mouth to respond when a voice calls out from the other room.
"Belinda, who is it?"
"A boy named Noah. He says he's friends with Avery," Belinda calls back while never taking her eyes off me. It's sort of unnerving.
"Oh! Invite him in!" the voice demands and Belinda opens the door wider.
I follow her into the room from where the voice came, the living room, and what I see is not at all what I expected if I expected anything at all. A thin, pale woman is stretched out on what looks like a white hospital bed. She smiles widely at me as I enter.
"Noah! It's so nice to finally meet you!" she exclaims her cheeks flushed in what appears to be excitement. "I'm Avery's mother, Alice."
All this time I pictured Avery's mother to be some flighty and unreliable woman, someone that Avery would be embarrassed of based on the way she always refuses to talk about her. And yet the woman before me appears to be none of these things. I automatically find myself responding to her enthusiasm and smile in return.
"It's nice to meet you, too," I reply as she beams at me. "Is Avery here?"
"She's asleep upstairs I believe. She's had a few rough nights this past week," she tells me, some of the brightness dimming from her eyes.
"Is she...is she sick? I've been trying to get a hold of her all week, but she won't return my calls," I admit. Avery's mother has that persona about her that just makes me want to be completely honest.
"No, she's fine. I'm afraid it's my fault she hasn't been around. I had a seizure last week and had to spend some time in the hospital. I tried to get Avery to go to school, but you know how stubborn she is. She insisted on staying," she tells me.
Suddenly, Avery begins to make more sense to me. All the times she seemed so panicked to get home, her aversion to going anywhere, and the exhausted sadness always lurking in the depths of her eyes. Her mother was obviously very sick and Avery was the one who cared for her. I couldn't imagine the burden that must be.
As if thinking of her summoned her, Avery appears at the top of the stairs rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She walks all the way down without noticing me. She stops on the bottom step her eyes lifting, obviously searching for her mother, but landing on me instead.
"Noah?" she says in disbelief. She takes in the scene of me standing by her mom and her face flushes. For some reason she didn't want me to know about her mom's illness and now I do.
"He came by to see you. Isn't that nice, Gracie?" her mom cuts in. By the look on her face, Avery doesn't think it's nice at all.
"Um, can we talk outside?" she says tightly. I have that feeling I used to get as a little kid when I just knew my mom was going to yell at me for something, except that I'm much more scared of Avery than I ever was my mom.
"Sure," I reply with an easy smile. I'm hoping to charm my way back into her good graces, even though I'm not entirely sure what it is I did wrong.
Avery leads me out onto the porch where she immediately starts pacing back and forth. I wait for her to say something, but she ignores my presence as she continuously moves in a state of agitation. Eventually I can't take it any more.
"Where have you been?" I ask while trying my best to sound light instead of accusatory. She pauses for a moment to look at me before resuming her furious pacing.
"With my mom," she grumbles.
"She told me she had a seizure. What's...what's wrong with her?" I question her hesitantly and her frown deepens.
"She has Glioblastoma. In other words, brain cancer," she spits out the words as if they were poison.
"I'm so sorry, Avery," I tell her and take a step towards her, wanting to offer some kind of comfort. However, she stops her pacing and glares at me, letting me know my sympathy is not welcome.
"What are you doing here, Noah?" she demands.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright. You just disappeared, Av. I was worried," I answer honestly.
"You had no right to just show up here!" she snaps, face flushed with anger.
"That's bullshit and you know it. I called and you didn't answer. You really didn't think I would just give up after that, did you? We're friends, Av, even if you don't know what that means."
"I can't do this right now!" she shouts, waving her hands in the air sporadically.
And then she does the last thing I expect and bursts into tears. Not just any kind of tears either, but the kind that are loud and messy and leave you gasping for breath. Words don't make a difference when you cry like that and so I do the only thing I can and take her into my arms. For once she doesn't fight me.
We stand there like this for a time untold. She buries her face into my shirt and I gently stroke her hair and rub her back in an attempt at comfort. When her sobs quiet down, she stays there shaking in my arms.
"I can't lose her, Noah. I can't," she whispers while turning her tear-stained face up to look at me.
"She's still here, Av. You have time," I tell her.
I can see the way she grasps onto these words, holding onto the one consolation she's been given. By the desperation on her face I know that no one has so much as offered her comforting words in who knows how long. She's been alone in this, but she doesn't have to be any more.
"I'm here, okay? You're not alone," I whisper and she nods tightly while clenching my shirt in her tiny fists.
Little did I know that this was a major turning point in me and Avery's relationship. She had been distant and unattainable because she didn't want me to know about her mother, but now I knew and there was nothing to hold back any longer. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend or anything as simple as that. We were just two people who depended on one another in the deepest way a person could. And in the end, not being alone made all the difference in the world.