lavender haze | taylor swift
❝ i've been under scrutiny (yeah, oh yeah)
you handle it beautifully (yeah, oh yeah)
all this shit is new to me (yeah, oh yeah)
i feel the lavender haze creeping up on me ❞
WINTER WAS THE first to come back down, Joshua by her side. She'd smiled at the rest of us before taking her seat again, but by the fifth minute, it was easy to spot the stress enveloping her. Her eyes kept looking askance and her posture was shit.
No one mentions that Reid has failed to return after Luca comes down, they're all too focused on the younger brother who's currently sporting a brooding look. My eyes flicker over from Luca to Winter, who's fidgeting around with the napkin in front of her.
I'm looking at her so hard, some may consider it glaring, though without all the underlying bullshit. Beside me, I hear someone shift around I anticipate for a fork to drag along a porcelain plate too, but it never comes.
"Stop staring at her," the voice has me turning away from Winter and eyeing a familiar girl. My lips twitch, but I repress the grin that threatens to pull.
"Jealous?" I ask, briefly looking down at Valé before looking away.
Whoever set the seating was trying to fuck me over, there's no other plausible explanation.
"No," she says finally, and I go to tease her for the pause but don't. There are too many people here, I'm supposed to hate her.
Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. God, does she look good though, in her little floral green dress that hugs her so sinfully. I wonder if she knows just how good she looks. I wonder if she'd be open to being shown.
When I look over to the table, I catch Luca's wandering gaze. His mouth is in a pout, but I don't know why he's got the long face when I'd seen the way he was ogling Valé earlier. Blood thumps in my veins methodically as I recount the way his eyes had dipped to the cut-out in her dress.
That little fucker, just wait until I catch him asleep.
"Winter does look nice though," I point out aimlessly, only loud enough for Valé to hear. "I've never seen her in a dress before," despite being a childish little shit that's trying to get under Valé's skin, I am being genuine. Winter looks sickly sweet, blush dusts her cheeks and she looks overly feminine. She's never looked more uncomfortable in her life.
"She's gorgeous," Valé agrees beside me, genuine.
I look down at her, "So does Nadia, I really like her dress. Makes her look beautiful."
Her darks brows raise but she doesn't show any other sign of confusion. "She is the most beautiful," Valé hums in accordance.
It's sweet how kind she is, but the word 'most,' in that sentence shouldn't be used if not for her. Because I'm stupid, and find an odd like for when she gets angry I find myself agreeing, "She really is. So nice too,"
"The nicest," Valé agrees, with no strain in her tone. She's like an elastic that won't wear thin. "Are you planning on making a move?"
I can't help myself, I laugh at this. It's far too quiet and only has my shoulders shaking.
"Now why would I do that?" I ask, cocking my head as I eye her. It's a silly question really, especially since the only thing I've ever wanted is her.
"Because you've felt the need to compliment everyone here but me."
I look over my shoulder to make sure we aren't being listened to, fortunately for us and unfortunately for everyone else Sage is recounting the time he and Atlas helped a goat give birth, so we're safe.
"Do you need my validation or something?" Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
She huffs out a breath of anger, "Why would I need your validation when it's obvious you want me."
"Obvious? Someone is cocky."
She shrugs, her confidence seeping off of her so sensually that it's taking everything in me not to reach out and touch her, touch, touch, touch. "Say you don't."
I tsk, shaking my head. "I can't."
"Don't be embarrassed, Caleb." She whispers so quietly that the chirping of the birds almost drowns her out, "I want you too."
I feel my cheeks burn like I'm five again, my hands tense by my side and I clear my throat. She's still smiling when she turns around from me and gets involved in another conversation.
She moves her seat closer to the table, and underneath the cover, I feel as she runs a finger up my clothed thigh. When I look over, she's still speaking.
Fuck me.
It's not until much later when the lunch has wrapped up and everyone is awkwardly saying goodbye to those they aren't currently sporting tension with that Valé finds me again.
I've taken to hiding in the kitchen, unwanting to hear anyone else mutter the words, "can't wait to see you again," when it's obviously strained.
"Why are you hiding?" Valé asks, rounding the large kitchen countertop until she's reached me. There's no touching the, of course, God forbid she just touch me. Fuck, I need her to just touch me. When did I become such a whiny little shit?
"I'm not hiding," I say, pouring out the liquor that I'd originally had into my cup down the sink.
"Oh, sorry. I just thought you scurried out the second you said goodbye to Winter only to end up in the secluded kitchen was you hiding. Maybe I'm wrong,"
"Not maybe," her brows draw up, "probably," she rolls her eyes, but there's no conviction to her anger.
"Valé, we're leaving!" Nadia calls out from the other room. The sound has both our eyes drawing to the open hallway, when we look back at each other I stare at her, waiting.
"My parent's have gone back to Addis Ababa for the week, that's-."
"The capital of Ethiopia, yeah I know." She nods then, a glimpse of smile showing. "I'll be at home," well, the Cathans but she doesn't need to know that. She makes, an 'ah' sound. "What are you trying to say Valé?" I know what she's implying, I'm thrilled about it, really. I just want her to say it out loud.
"You know what."
I shake my head, "I'm afraid, I'm not sure."
"Don't be like this."
Nadia calls her name again, her voice drawing closer.
I watch as she swallows, "Do you maybe want to come over?"
"Ah," I pretend to think it over, exaggerating my actions in the movement. "I don't know if I can," I shrug, "I'm a pretty busy guy." She has to know I'm bullshitting, She has to. Of course, I'll go.
She cocks her head, taking her bottom lip between her teeth as she thinks something over. "Won't you find a way?" She asks, so sweetly.
"For you? Always."
🂱 🂱 🂱
"Caleb?" Luca stirs, voice deep and groggy with sleep.
I still, "No." I whisper, a second too late to re-evaluate that I should've just stayed silent.
"What are you doing?" He asks, twisting and turning in his sheets until he's untrapped himself.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" He repeats half stuck on a yawn.
I nod, before realising he can't see me. "This is a dream, Luca. You're dreaming," I whisper into the air hoping the lack of voice deceives him.
"Fuck off, no I'm not." He remarks, and I roll my eyes. Can't he be more like Sage? This always works on him.
"Okay genius, I'm not. You happy?"
He doesn't answer the way I think he does, instead of bickering he offers advice. "Take the Mercedes, it's in the second garage. It makes the least noise when you leave." There's silence for a few seconds after that and then I realise a miracle has happened, he's fallen asleep again.
"Thank you," I whisper into the dark before grabbing at the keys by his bedside table.
Once I grab the keys I make my way down to the stairs, years of trying to hide have taught me all I need to know about being quiet so I get by pretty easily.
The house is eerily dark and uncomfortably quiet, the worst part about the Cathans Estate is that around seventy-five percent of it is made up of glass and mirrors, so you're never just staring at dim walls but rather a reflection of yourself. There's got to be some symbolism going on that I can't be bothered to currently unpack.
I think I've made it downstairs without any disruptions until the kitchen light flickers on. I pause in my footsteps, standing guiltily as I eye the girl on the other side of the counter.
"Winter." I greet, slyly sliding the car keys into the pocket of my jumper.
She smiles, eyes tired. "Caleb, what are you doing?"
"What are you doing?" I deflect as I saunter over.
Winters' eyes flicker down to the glass of milk in front of her and then back up to me, eyebrows drawing up in judgment.
"Oh, right." Shit, she's just drinking milk and now I seem suspicious. "I'm going on a drive."
"Uh-huh." She nods, raising the glass to her lips and taking a sip.
I nod, "well, if that's all," I smile half-heartedly before turning around and heading over to where the garage is.
"The Asters house a stop on your way?" She calls out to my turned back.
Don't still. Don't still. Keep walking Caleb. I still. "What?" I ask, looking over my shoulder.
A sly smile creeps up on Winter's face. "You should control the way you look at her Caleb, your eyes are very telling."
"You're probably seeing hatred."
Her lips twitch. "Not even a little bit."
"Ah, maybe I get it mixed up since it's the same way that you look at Reid, no?" It's a low blow, I know it.
Her jaw hardens, and she licks the residue of milk from her upper lip before replying. "I'm friends with Reid."
I nod, accepting the answer even though we both know it's bullshit. "I don't like Valé."
"You can't hide this forever," she insists.
I shrug, "You are."
Winter's face twitches, falling momentarily. I feel bad but camouflage it, I don't have the time to apologise. I'll just buy her a gift basket or something, maybe a new helmet for her motorbike.
"Stay safe," she calls out, although her serene mood from before has chipped away.
"I will."
🂱 🂱 🂱
The ride is short, there's a turn on Delvaùx Avenue where the soccer pitches are and another down where the mall is. It's a fifteen-minute drive at best, my lack of patience makes it feel like an hour.
The streets are scarce, and with no one else on the road, the traffic lights illuminate just me. I catch sight of myself in the rearview mirror, all stoic and with a red light spanning all the way down.
The sound of a car has me breaking eye contact with myself and looking over my shoulder. I feel my heart seize momentarily when I realise what model it is. Fuck.
Dad's black 1967 jaguar xke is speeding down the road, drawing its way closer to the lane next to mine. Shit. Shit. Shit. I instantly roll the windows up and slide further into the seat.
His obnoxious classical music - something probably by Dimitri Shostakovich, flows out from the car and surrounds mine. I breathe out a shaky breath and make sure to not look over at him.
Like the good little catholic boy I am, I begin to pray to God that he won't spot me. I'm good as dead if he does.
I'd lied to Thomas earlier, I'm not staying at the Cathans because Dad and I got into an argument - although that is somewhat the truth - I'm staying at the Cathans because according to my father's orders, I am under no circumstance allowed to leave Whitlock Prepatory.
Obviously, there's no way I'm listening to that. It's not like Whitlock can legally keep me hostage either, I'm eighteen for Godsake, they can't tell me shit.
Betraying my instincts I look over to the window and almost have an aneurysm when I watch as my dearest father eyes the car suspiciously, through the tinted windows I catch as his dark-defined brows scrunch up.
Fuck. The light hasn't even turned green yet, but I can't risk it. If Dad finds out I'm around...he'll kill me. A chill runs down my spine, and I'm suddenly cold despite wearing a jumper. Beneath me the car revs, beside me my dad's eyes pierce into my side, and my eyes flicker up to the red lights. Fuck it. I'll just pay the fine for it.
I press my foot on the accelerator and go flying forward, with one hand on the steering wheel, carelessly I look back and see Dad's car disappear into the distance. With a relieved sigh, I settle back into the seat.
Against my pocket, I feel the vibration of my phone as it rings. Without taking my eyes off of the road, I slip it out and swipe answer. There's no sound on the side, just sheets rustling.
"Caleb?" The soft voice calls out, a second later.
I press harder on the acceletor, "yeah, mon rêve?"
I can imagine her now, wearing some matching pyjama set in her bed between her white floral sheets whilst she...her voice cuts off my thoughts. Rightfully so.
"Where are you?" She asks, airily.
"I'm close," I offer, seeing the back of Valé's house. She lives just next to where Sterling was, since we've been gone the school hasn't undergone any changes.
"You know how to get in, right?"
I want to laugh at that because of course, I do. It might've seemed like ages ago, but realistically I started breaking into Valé's room only a couple of months ago.
"Yeah, I know."
She sighs on the other end, disbelievingly. I already know what she's going to say before she does. "It's behind the pink shru-"
"Valé," I say, almost smiling at the obvious panic she's about to endure. She hums in response, "Don't worry about it."
"Alright, I'll be in my bed."
"Good. That's exactly where I want you."
She makes a sound at the back of her throat at that, before laughing and hanging up. I only realise I'm smiling when my cheeks hurt from the tension. I don't let it drop, who cares.
I swiftly park the car in one of the spaces at the back of Valé's house, the large trees that the Aster's have cover it so I doubt anyone will be able to look at it, whilst inside.
Once out of the car, I lock the doors and make my way to the side of the estate where Valé's room is. Her bedroom is at the very back of the left side, I wonder if she chose it purposefully - being isolated from the other rooms in the house.
The one thing I love about the Aster's place is the greenery that they have. Even though the house looks like the rest around the neighbourhood - grand, it differs with its decoration. The greenery doesn't only add aesthetic face value but is also convenient for me in moments like these.
The climb up to Valé's room isn't too bad, especially since it only requires upper body strength. Reaching her room is the equivalent of fifty pull-ups, in other words, it's lightwork.
Her curtains are drawn half open and in the centre of everything I look in to see her. She's got her sheets pooling by her waist, as she leans against her headboard whilst flicking through a book.
Lightly, I tap at the window. Expectantly she turns around to face me. A smile breaks on her face when her eyes meet mine, in my stomach something blooms. I let it.
As the sheets fall away from her, they reveal Valé's naked legs. My eyes drop down to them instantly, her little white shorts with microscopic red hearts do almost nothing to leave anything to the imagination. Subconsciously, I lick at my lips.
She crosses the room in a few steps, eyes not holding mine. She's been shy, recently and sweeter than normal. I assume it's because she feels bad for what she's done. I want to tell her to let it go, let us be back to how it was before. But I can't. Because she wasn't fully herself then, she was playing a part, trying to do everything in her power to appease me, that's not what I want.
I want her like how she was when we'd really argue, I want her when she was telling me about her favourite books when she'd join Elisé on her 'fake' tea parties, I want the real her.
The sound of the windowsill being pulled up breaks me out of my daze. I look up and catch the sight of goosebumps as they run up Valé's skin. "Oh my god, it's freezing!" she exclaims, quickly pulling me in by the collar of my sweater.
She makes a choked sound when I tumble inside her room. I'm painstakingly aware of the loud bang I create when landing on the floor. There's a dulling feeling that begins to ache at my side. Whilst in pain I flicker my eyes open. Valé stands above me, brows knitted together as she slaps a hand across her mouth.
I battle to shift my jumper the right way round, the warmth of the room makes the action feel suffocating. "Don't smile," I mutter, when I get the jumper to flatten.
"I'm not going to smile," She insists, although there's a smile twitching at her lips.
It's a shame she won't, she really is all the more beautiful with it. It's like everything beams when she's joyful. If there was an eighth wonder of the world, it'd be her.
I roll my eyes while getting up, "Are you trying to burn me alive or something?" Her lips turn downwards, confusion etching its way onto her pretty face. "What temp is your room right now?" I ask.
Valé makes an 'o' shape with her mouth before speaking, "I get cold, really easily."
I do a once-over of her pyjamas, and my lips threaten to quirk, "I wonder why?"
Her cheeks inflate as she huffs, "It's not the pyjamas," she's quick to defend.
"You ever tested that theory?"
"Have I ever worn more clothes to bed because I've felt cold, hm...what do you think Caleb?"
I shrug, "That would require you to acquire some quick problem-solving skills,"
Valé cocks her head, "Are you saying I don't?" she moves closer to me, a frown slowly etching its way onto her face. "Are you calling me dumb?"
Slowly, I begin to back up until I feel the edge of her bed hit the back of my calves. I lick my lips, working moisture back into my mouth as I take a seat at the edge of the bed. "I-"
"Do you want me mad at you?" She asks, eyes turning into slits as she crosses her arms over her body.
Is it wrong for me to say yes? She's so- fuck. The way she is when she gets like this has my stomach flip, It's sickening really, pathetic actually how gone I am for her.
"Are you mad...at me?" My legs spread out, her eyes flicker down to the empty space. Methodically, she moves in closer in, right where I want her.
"Depends," she says, but I'm too busy obsessing over her skin to say anything.
"Depends on-" I get cut off by a sudden sound. My eyes look past Valé and hones in on her door. It's like a scene out of a fucking movie because Casteel Asters walks in.
Casteel's eyes flicker between Valé and me. I go still instantly, knowingly. As an older brother, there's one way I see this ending for myself - with my head against the fucking floorboards.
Valé whips her head back, her shoulders slightly drop though when she realises who it is. She and I have contrasting reactions. "Casteel," she murmurs, slowly.
"Fuck me," he groans, slapping a hand across his face. I watch his reaction bewildered, "Now I owe Chase five hundred."
"You were betting on me?" Valé screeches. I can't see her but by her tone alone, I can infer the deadly look she's shooting in her brother's direction.
"I was on your side! Now look how you've disappointed me, disappointed us," He draws a finger in a circle, emphasising the both of them. "That's five hundred dollars down the drain!"
"That's what you get for betting on this you idiot! This is -"
"Objectification and I'm not an object," he mocks, putting on Valé's voice for the last part. As a sibling, I understand he's just poking fun at her but as Valé's boyf- friend, I feel like I should probably say something. I don't. "Yes, I get it. But I also didn't think you were dumb either!"
"Get. Out. Of. My. Room," She annunciates, threateningly.
"Fine by me, but when your beloved older brother can't afford to feed himself for the rest of the week, it's your card I'll be taking," with that and another 'I can't believe this,' Casteel leaves the room.
Valé turns around, filled with rage. "He's an idiot- I can't believe him! How can he just do that? Bet on me! I can't believe it. Why didn't you say something to defend us!" She rambles on, cheeks expanding with the large breaths she's taking.
"Defend us?" There's an us...oh. Oh.
She looks around her room sharply. She's losing me with every beat of silence that follows. "Is there another boy in my room, Caleb?"
"There better not fucking be."
"Exactly! It's you and me. How can you not have seen that? They betted on us,"
"They betted on us being together?" I echo.
"Yes!"
"And this is a problem?"
"Yes! If this gets out, it'll be terrible for you! Do your parents even know you're seeing me? No. Does Luca know? No. Does Atlas? No. Does Sage? No. They're going to rip into you, Caleb! Do you know how bad this will look for you? How bad this will be?"
I shrug, reassuringly placing an innocent hand on her hip to draw her in closer. "Who cares?" Sure, I get what she means and yes Dad might kill me, but he'll also kill me for less, honestly. At least this way I'll be gone because of something I care about. Even then, Dad finding out is a bit of a stretch, I doubt Casteel will go and announce it.
"I do!" She protests, "I care what they say about you! I know I fucked up, okay? I know I'm the reason they're saying all sorts of things but it's not right. You're a kid!"
"I'm eighteen."
"You're a kid," she repeats, "It doesn't matter that you turned eighteen a month ago, have you read what they're writing about you, Caleb?" I nod, "It's sick! They're using pictures of you from freshman year and sexualising you, they're calling you-" she stops, shaking her head. "This can't get out."
"It won't."
"This is so stupid of me, I shouldn't have called you. I'm sorry, you should probably go home," she takes a step away, and instantaneously I grab at both her hips whilst simultaneously bringing her in closer.
"Hey, hey, hey. No, none of this," she makes a move to step back, but I tighten my hold, her soft skin moulds itself perfectly in my hands. "Vals, look at me," her eyes that are so intent on looking away, flicker down to mine. "I don't care what they're saying about me," I only care for her, I only think about her.
"You should, Caleb," she says sadly, slowly sinking into my touch. I press a chaste kiss on her exposed wrist at that, because I know she's only trying to help. "It's not good to not care,"
"I care about plenty of things," her brows dip with disbelief, "I'm not lying, I care about you."
"You need to care about yourself, you need to worry about yourself."
"Why do I need to do that? You worry about me plenty."
She rolls her eyes, before sighing and letting her head lull into the crook of my shoulder. "I don't want to go back to Whitlock," she groans.
"We only have three more months left," I try to reassure her, but she only groans again.
When she pulls back, she lets out a deep sigh before running her hands through my hair. There's a twinkle in her eye as she does it, "your hair has gotten lighter," she comments. "Do you think it'll revert to blonde?"
I scoff, "I hope not." I used to have bright blonde hair as a kid, it gradually became brunette but during summer and spring, it always lightens up a few shades. I've reached light brunette but I've never returned to blonde, I hope I never do. "I look like a kid with blonde hair,"
Her face splits with a smile, "I think you'd look cute with blonde hair, maybe kind of like Sage."
"You think Sage is cute?"
Valé rolls her eyes, "Ugh don't get like that. We both know I want you."
"Oh, yeah?" She nods solemnly, and I grin, "How much?"
Valé's eyes dip to my mouth, I catch the movement. "A lot," she admits.
"Do you wanna show me how much?" I ask, innocently.
Still smiling she screeches. "Has that line ever worked?"
I shrug, "It's my first time using it. You get to decide."
By the way she's looking at me, I think I'll be lucky tonight.
__________________
a/n
hey...how yall doing.
nearly six months...woahhh that's too crazy. i need to go to jail for that or something. anyways, yes i did write that this book was on 'hold,' recently but honestly that's just so i wouldn't feel pressured to finish writing this...lame on my behalf, trust me i know.
then i posted another story but now I'm thinking i should take down 'lost in the eclipse' and finish this before returning back to it. i don't know what to do and i also don't want to be a mess, so if you see any changes just ignore that :)
thank you all for not being terribly mean, i've been so very scared to read the message board just in case anyone was going to tell me to kms or something, but you're all so kind. i literally love you guys, you're practically my bff's <33