Soon? When's soon?
I've been up all night, crying, trying to figure out how to get him back. I have no idea what's going on on his end by having no contact with him. But I still feel like I need to do something to help.
I've called Ryder's father, but he won't help me. "I've already done it once before, he's on his own." pathetic excuse for a father.
I lie on our bed, tears flooding the pillow beneath me, my breathing unstable, yet another panic attack taking over me. But I just let it happen, the only thing that can help is Ryder, and he's not here. It's pointless to even try.
This one is strong though, enough to make me feel the need to throw up. Suddenly, I shoot up, holding onto my stomach before instinctively running to the toilet.
I hang over the bowl, a mix of vomit and tears flooding out of me. Toxic acid sits in the back of my throat as I finally slump back against the wall, sobbing into my knees, crying to the point of not being able to catch a breath.
I need my Ryder back. I'm falling apart without him.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
It's now been an entire night and day, and Ryder is still in custody for 'further investigation.'
I've spent the whole day with Wren and Finn, as they thought they'd do some help by giving me company. Which it has, it's better off than being alone.
Finn doesn't seem that phased by this, meanwhile, I'm having a total meltdown. But I'm sure he's just trying to keep himself together for my sake.
Wren, on the other hand, has been holding onto me as I cry into her arms, soothing and reassuring me this whole time.
Finns decided to go out to grab lunch for us, and while I don't have much of an appetite, I'm sure he's starving. I haven't been keeping track of the time, as it's only reminding me of the minutes passing that I don't have Ryder, but it's probably around late afternoon already.
"I'm falling apart Wren, I fall apart without him," I explain through tears. I don't think they've stopped running down my face since they've started, I don't know how to stop them.
She strokes my hair, my head laying in her lap as I curl up on the couch. "I'm sick, I keep vomiting, I have constant headaches, I'm so exhausted." I genuinely feel like I'm shutting down without him, I didn't think it would be this serious. My body simply can't function without him.
Wren doesn't reply, she stops stroking my hair, and I feel her body change beneath me, enough for me to sit up and look at her through watery eyes.
Despite the current situation, she's got a wide smile stretched across her face, "Vivienne.." she chuckles, slight happiness in her voice. I stare back at her in confusion, silence stretching between us.
"Vivienne, your body isn't shutting down— I think you might be pregnant." she hesitantly whispers the last part, a hint of excitement in her tone. I continue to stare back at her, my head suddenly pounding, words no longer processing in my head.
My husband gets arrested for murder, and I now find out that I'm pregnant with his baby? What the fuck is going on.
Suddenly, I start hysterically sobbing into her lap again, "My baby won't have its dad, I won't have him." my voice full of pain and grief. I can't function without him, how am I meant to grow and raise a baby without him? I can't do this. I can't. No.
Wren strokes my hair, quietly picking up her phone and calling somebody. I hear her mumble something into the phone, before hanging up and placing it back down beside her.
"You'll be okay Viv, everything will be fine. He's coming back, okay?" she reassures quietly. I don't know if I should believe her, I don't know if she even believes herself, but at least she's trying.
"You'll have so many people here, loving you and your baby. Aunty Wren and Uncle Finn." I hear her smile with those last words, the thought replaying in my mind, before it tumbles down again with the reminder that Ryder won't be here to see that.
"I need him, Wren, I need him. My body is burning inside out, my skin aches for him. I can't breathe properly without him, He can't leave, he can't leave me." I choke out, only thinking out loud at this point. My mind is racing, a thousand thoughts at once.
Suddenly, the front door opens and I quickly raise my head to look, hoping, praying to see Ryder. Finn walks in with Chinese takeout, "I didn't know what test you wanted but I got a few pretty weird looks." He announces, rolling his eyes as he walks towards us.
He lies everything on the coffee table in front of us, handing Wren the box of pregnancy tests before taking a seat.
"I can't take it, I don't want to know." I refuse, shaking my head, and curling back into the corner of the couch. "That's okay, do it when you're ready," Wren reassures me again, placing the box down on the coffee table beside the food.
The thought of eating makes me heave, I have to look away from it. "Sick, I'm gonna be an uncle," Finn mumbles through a mouthful of food with a smile.
Wren shoulders him in the arm, giving him a look. But he just shrugs his shoulders, looking innocent as he bites into his spring roll.
"I think I just want to sleep." I admit, knowing I can't go another second awake without him. I'm going insane.
Wren nods, silently telling Finn to get up. She gets up and leans down, planting a kiss on my head and hugging me. "Everything will be okay Viv, I promise, we're only a phone call away." she assures me. I force a small smile in return, Finn approaching me second.
He leans down, "Ryder always finds a way, especially when it comes to you, he'll be back." he mumbles, planting a kiss in my hair before standing up and following Wren out of the apartment, pulling the door closed behind him.
In deafening silence, I stare down at the box of pregnancy tests in front of me, they're only tempting me. I heavily sigh, curiosity getting the best of me. I stand from the couch, my legs wobbly as I pick up the box.
I head back down the hallway, my eyes taking notice of Ryder's empty office, but I try not to look inside, quickly making my way into our bedroom.
I walk into the bathroom, ripping the test open and hesitantly peeing on it.
I wait, my mind racing. I don't know what it'll be, or what I want it to be, or how far along I am. I know that if it comes back positive, I'll be panicked and even more stressed.
But if it comes back negative, I'll be disappointed, shattered even. I want to carry Ryder's baby, he wants me to carry his baby. Please be positive.
I wait longer than I should've, before slowly picking up the test, my hand trembling as I try to muster up the courage to look at it. Two faint lines, Positive.
A wave of relief washes over me, and I smile, until the panic starts resurfacing, and the tears start falling again. Happy tears, yet sad tears that Ryder's not here to see this. He doesn't even know, he may never know.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
I've been lying in our bedroom for the rest of the night, the puppy snuggled against my stomach. I don't know if it's because I'm wearing Ryder's jumper, or if it's because I'm pregnant, either way, it makes me sad.
But the tears have finally managed to stop. I've been breathing in his scent, staring back at the test in my hands for the past three hours, not really sure how to process this anymore.
When suddenly my phone pings. I don't bother looking at it, if it's not Ryder — which it wouldn't be — then I don't want to look at it at all. But it pings again, and again, enough for me to give in and pick the phone up.
I stare back at a chain of texts from Ryder. "I'm sorry, Viv." — "I'm on my way home." I sigh heavily in relief, a massive smile spreading across my face, and I can almost feel happy tears forming in my eyes, just when I thought I couldn't shed anymore.
I don't know how he managed to get out, but I don't care. At least he's coming home, coming home to me, and his baby.
I wait impatiently for him to return, but it's only been a couple of minutes before I hear strange knocking and sounds coming from the front door. I hadn't bothered to reply to his texts, I'd rather talk to him in person, but I feel off right now. Something is not right.
"Is that you already?" I quickly type into the phone, the speed of my heart suddenly picking up again. I stare at the bedroom door when my phone vibrates in my hand, "Don't move Viv, I'm nearly home." I frown at his text, confusion and worry washing over me.
The puppy perks up at the sound, getting up from her position and running towards the bedroom door. It's only peeked open slightly, so I can't see down there.
I hear the front door suddenly pop open, and two sets of feet enter. Because there are two, a hint of relief slightly washes over me, assuming it's Finn and Wren coming back.
I quietly slide off the bed, making my way over to the door and hesitantly peeking my eye out, still not feeling right about this.
It's pretty dark out there, so all I can see are two tall, dark, unfamiliar figures quietly walking around the apartment.
My hand immediately goes to my mouth, stifling a sound from escaping. I manage to ever so quietly shut the bedroom door, scooping the puppy up before running into the wardrobe.
I manage to keep my composure, frantically searching for Ryders gun that I know he keeps in here, but it's gone. Then it dawns on me, the police would've taken it after he told them where his "one and only, licensed protection weapon" was.
A quiet sob manages to break through when I can't find it, holding my hand against my mouth, the other holding onto the pregnancy test, pressing against my stomach as I curl into the corner.
Two unfamiliar voices coming from down the hallway, calling and whistling my name like a dog. Suddenly, the dreadful sound of my phone starts to ring from my bed. I can't get it, but it seems to grab their attention.
I hear them abruptly enter the bedroom, and the ringing coming to an end, everything goes quiet again.
I stifle another sob, as the puppy's ear perk up, shuffling coming from beneath the door.
No, no, no.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to disappear, disappear from all of this. I think of Ryder, being with Ryder, Ryder.
Before everything suddenly goes black, I can't hear anything, I can't feel anything. It's nothing. I really disappeared.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
AN/word count - 1900
Yes, this has a pregnancy trope but there are literally like four chapters left, and almost every ending of a book has pregnancy. Not to mention, it's MY book. Nobody gaf if you don't like it, go cry somewhere else, ur not special or unique for "hating babies". Personally, I love it,
thx !!