CHAPTER TWO
LET IT LINGER
Alaska and Ellie used to be best friends.
Honestly, it feels like a fever dream. Everything came and went so quickly— Alaska wonders if she just imagined it all. Did the moments they share ever mean anything? Or is it just a figment of her imagination?
She can list every little detail in Ellie's room. It's the only thing convincing Alaska that she isn't making this up. The photos of them throughout the years. The other polaroid pictures with Jesse, Dina, and Cat. Ellie's random sketches that littered the walls. The books about Outer Space and the comics stacked into the wooden shelves. The warm yellow lights that dangled across the ceiling. The guitar that Ellie taught Alaska how to play.
She wonders if the room still looks the same or if Ellie really changed.
Alaska remembers when they'd blast music to piss of their neighbors, as if a need for adventure or excitement introduced itself whenever Alaska was with Ellie. Adrenaline pumped through their veins and coursed through their blood and bones when they were together. It was unexplainable and ultimately terrifying, yet addicting. Alaska had never felt that way with anyone else in her entire life.
She remembers when they would find mixtapes and give them dumb titles that only made sense to them. She still owns every single one that Ellie had ever given her. She would never admit that she still listens to them from time to time. Alaska remembers the stupid jokes that Ellie would read from that pun book she carried around, and Alaska was the only one that would ever laugh.
She remembers sitting in the infirmary once she arrived at Jackson. She'd been there for weeks and it felt like forever. But each day, as she sat on that bed and waited for the day she'd be all healed up, Ellie would visit her. Through all the itchy bandages and sore limbs, she and Ellie had gotten to know each other. And they became inseparable.
Alaska would give anything to go back to that time. It sounds morbid. Alaska knows that. It was a time when Alaska had been hurt in more ways than one. A time when she didn't trust so easily. But, somehow, things got better quickly. Maybe she had been blinded by this childlike feeling— the feeling of being able to breathe.
Ellie was the one person that made her feel like she was alive. And the mere thought just reminds Alaska of what she's lost. She wishes that she had never lied. She wishes that she could've explained things. She wishes that it could've gone differently. But they didn't. Now, Ellie isn't the same girl she used to be and Alaska can't help but feel like she's part of the reason why.
Alaska used to be able to tell what Ellie was thinking. Now, she doesn't know who Ellie is anymore. They've become strangers.
But strangers wouldn't usually stand up for you like Ellie had done last night. That's the part that racks Alaska's brain the most. If Ellie is so angry, and hateful, and ignorant towards her, why had she suddenly done something that was the complete opposite? There must be a small part of Ellie that still cares. Alaska just can't believe that to be true.
She's been thinking about this since last night. And she hasn't stopped. She hasn't slept. Just the thought of meaninglessly kissing Dina only adds to the tossing and turning on her mattress. Everything feels so complicated and she doesn't like it.
Alaska joins Tommy and Maria at the Tipsy Bison like she does every morning before patrols. This particular morning is exactly like every other, except Alaska feels everyone's eyes on her. People around town are talking about the argument last night, turning their heads and giving her looks whenever she passes by. It makes her feel wrong.
When Maria and Tommy returned home after the dance, they assured a drunken and conflicted Alaska that she wasn't at fault for Seth's actions nor everything else that happened after that. They insisted in having him under control and that he wouldn't bother her or anyone else like that again. Alaska wonders if that's true. You can't really stop those kinds of people from believing whatever they believe.
And, although Alaska can barely remember her conversation with both adults, she recalls feeling the weight on her shoulders subside a bit when Maria and Tommy promised that they loved her no matter what. It feels good knowing that she has people that love and care for her unconditionally.
Yet, walking down the cluttered Jackson streets, she can't help but revisit each and every detail that she can remember from last night. She silently wonders if Dina feels the same. Or rather, if Dina cares about anything that happened last night. Dina isn't one to be easily affected by things. She's strong and she always stands her ground. Alaska admires that about her.
She wonders what Ellie's thinking, too. She wonders if Ellie talked to Joel after the party. She hopes so.
Seth had apologized to Dina and Alaska earlier that morning, although Alaska is one-hundred percent sure that Maria forced him to. Not that Alaska needed or wanted an apology from Seth.
"Alright, Hon. Make sure you have everything." Maria speaks quietly from behind Alaska, zipping her backpack after stuffing some supplies inside. "Ellie and Jesse should be here any minute now."
"Thanks, Maria." Alaska turns on her heel and smiles at the woman.
And as if on cue, Ellie and Jesse simultaneously enter the Tipsy Bison, preparing for patrol. Alaska greets them both silently with a nod, subconsciously avoiding eye contact with Ellie— something that has become mutual over the years.
"Ellie! There you are, c'mere." Maria calls out. "Seth's got something he wants to say to you." She speaks lower once Ellie is close enough.
Ellie rolls her eyes and tries to wave it off, "I don't wanna hear what that bigot has to say."
"Do it for me, please." Maria says before Seth appears.
Alaska and Jesse stay back, observing the forced interaction between Ellie and Seth.
"So..." Jesse begins. "I heard about what happened last night. After I left." He crosses his arms and leans on a circular table.
Alaska scoffs, "Yeah, everyone's heard about it." She raises her eyebrows with a bothered look. "He's such an asshole." She mutters lowly.
"Oh, no, I meant your kiss with Dina." Jesse changes his tone and gives her a look.
Alaska's eyes instantly shoot towards his face, her expression growing worried. "Dude, I swear it didn't mean anything. We were both drunk and—"
"Calm down," Jesse laughs. "I don't care. Really. Dina and I are done." He insists.
Alaska lets out a sigh of relief, looking down at her shoes with newfound awkwardness. "No, seriously though, she's my friend. Honestly, I think the whole thing was just a distraction from you." She nudges his shoulder and offers him a look.
Jesse rolls his eyes again, "Whatever." he sighs. "Ellie stepping in, though..." Jesse quickly changes the topic, not wanting to continue on. "Didn't see that coming."
Jesse could read Alaska like an open book. They act like they're siblings, and siblings are somehow always able to see things that you might be too oblivious to see yourself. Siblings are always two steps ahead.
"Oh, please." Alaska's face scrunches up.
"It means something, Al, I'm telling you." Jesse states, his tone becoming more serious.
"Mhm." Alaska mutters sarcastically. Her eyes meet Jesse's with an unamused expression and she sighs loudly at the look on his face.
I didn't need her help, Alaska wants to say. She knows that she can take care of herself— especially against people like Seth. But she doesn't speak it out loud. Instead, she looks down at her shoes with her arms crossed over her chest in thought. Alaska doesn't know why she feels upset. She should be glad that someone stuck up for her. She should be glad that Ellie seems like she still cares in some way. But why did it take Seth being a dick to get Ellie to acknowledge her again?
"Look, all I'm saying is..." Jesse begins. "She still cares. Even if you don't believe it." He says with a sense of calmness. "Maybe she's finally coming to terms with everything." He shrugs.
Alaska bites the inside of her cheek and thinks deeply about Jesse's words. Unless Ellie had actually admitted that to Jesse, Alaska doesn't believe it. She wants to ask him to further explain, but before she could get a word out, their conversation is cut short when Ellie begins to approach them.
"What you got there?" Jesse asks Ellie.
"Bigot sandwiches." Ellie scoffs as she pushes the covered sandwiches into Jesse's chest.
"Hm. Smells good." Jesse says with a playful grin. "Al? You want some?" He turns to her.
Alaska laughs, "I'm fine, thanks."
"They're all your's." Ellie shrugs in Jesse's direction.
"Alright, let me walk you guys out." Maria appears from behind Ellie and leads the group outside.
Alaska follows closely behind Jesse and slightly beside Ellie. The snow crunches under her boots and the cold weather makes her skin a slight tint of red. She watches the white air escape her lips whenever she exhales and finally realizes how cold she is.
"When you go out, I want you to trade off with Tommy and Joel. Those boys have been up for far too long." Maria turns her head in Jesse's direction.
Jesse nods, "Where do I meet 'em?"
"If you go up the Northwest lookout, they're scheduled to arrive later today." Maria explains as the rest continue to follow her. "But watch yourself. There's been too many sightings of Infected, recently."
"Yeah, of course. I was gonna check out the creek trails so I'll need someone else to cover it." Jesse says, his tone sounding more serious, like a true leader.
Both Alaska and Ellie are quiet, staring at their shoes with their cold hands shoved into their pockets. Alaska assumes that they both feel the awkwardness in the air that surrounds them.
"Ellie," Maria calls out. "You know the creek trails?"
"Not really," Ellie shrugs.
"Al knows 'em. I'll have the two of them take it. Dina and I can take the lookout." Jesse instructs quickly, turning to give Alaska another look.
Alaska sighs, "Fuck me," she mutters under her breath.
She hates Jesse so much, right now.
"Well, that solves that." Maria sighs in agreement, not having heard Alaska's comment.
Maria stops in front of the wooden fence. Alaska peaks past and sees Dina on the playground throwing snowballs at a bunch of kids. She laughs to herself at the sight— just Dina being Dina, as always.
"Ellie, can I talk to you for a sec?" Maria asks.
Alaska and Jesse walk away to give them privacy. She can't hear anything that Maria's saying, but for a split moment, she could vividly notice the hint of annoyance on Ellie's face.
"Have you talked to her about last night?" Jesse pulls Alaska away from her thoughts, nodding his head in Dina's direction.
"No," Alaska shakes her head. "Not yet."
Just as she replies, Maria ends her conversation with Ellie. "Be safe, guys." Maria says with a slight grin in Alaska's direction.
"Thanks," Alaska mutters before Maria is gone.
The small group begins making their way towards the stables. Alaska merely sighs to herself before being nudged on the shoulder and pulled back by Jesse.
"Now's your chance." He shoves her slightly. "Don't take too long, though. Ellie's waiting." He whispers and winks at her, smirking because he knows just how much it annoys her.
Alaska groans unbelievably at Jesse's remarks, but she obeys him nonetheless. She makes her way towards the wooden gate that surrounds the snow-covered playground. "Dina!" She calls out.
"Oh, hey, Al." She smiles, completely out of breath from running around with the kids.
"Can I, uh... talk to you for a sec." Alaska asks, nervously playing with the hem of her coat.
"Yeah, of course." She makes her way up to the blonde from the other side of the wooden fence. "What's up?"
"Listen, I have patrols in a bit..." She begins. "But I just want you to know that I'm not upset about last night, or anything—" She says.
"No, yeah. I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have kissed you like that." Dina apologizes genuinely, understanding how Alaska feels. "I mean, I love you. I do. But not like that." She says jokingly, easing the tension in the air.
Alaska laughs, "Should I be relieved or offended?" She asks playfully, narrowing her eyes with false confusion.
"Offended." Dina states. "Definitely." She laughs.
Alaska rolls her eyes playfully. "But seriously. Thanks, Dina," She smiles at her friend.
Dina merely nods in response. Alaska's glad that her friendship with Dina isn't something that could be easily broken. Dina is one of the only consistent things in her life and she's someone that makes Alaska feel like she can always be herself. Alaska doesn't want to do anything that would ruin that.
Alaska suddenly remembers that she has somewhere to be. "Alright, I should go." She speaks quickly, placing her hand on the wooden fence. "Good luck with Jesse, later." She offers Dina a look.
Dina laughs teasingly, "Yeah, and good luck with Ellie." She says, returning the banter. "Let me know how that goes." She mutters.
"I will." Alaska curls her lips into a thin line, her tone filled with sarcasm, before waving Dina off and making her way towards the stables.
As she walks into the small stables made of dark wood, one of the few guys working there hands Alaska her horse— Junie. His fur is the darkest shade of black, it almost looks blue in contrast to the snow, and his mane has random splotches of white that seem as though they had been intricately painted on.
Alaska met Junie on one of her first days outside of the infirmary. Tommy had decided to give her a grand tour of Jackson and Junie was just a colt back then. Fifteen-year-old Alaska instantly fell in love with Junie, thinking that he was the prettiest horse in the stable. Tommy said that she could keep him as a welcoming gift and she's had Junie ever since.
"Ah, look who decided to join us." Jesse smirks in her direction, handing Alaska a shotgun.
Alaska rolls her eyes with the ghost of a grin sewn onto her lips. "Yeah, whatever." She mutters as she takes the gun in her hands, checking if it's loaded.
"Stuff okay with Dina?" He asks.
"Yeah, we're good." Alaska nods genuinely. Jesse would've been able to tell if she was lying, so she's glad that she doesn't have to.
Alaska climbs up onto Junie's saddle and watches as the large gates of Jackson open slowly. She looks to her right, her eyes meeting with the side of Ellie's face. She notices the countless freckles and the slight red tint of her cheeks from the cold.
"Okay, you know the drill. Run your routes, mark your logbooks, clear any Infected you see. You run into anything you can't handle, come back. Be smart about it." Jesse reminds everyone and they simply nods in agreement. "Alright, get going."
"You ready?" Alaska asks the girl beside her.
Alaska hesitant to speak, but she does so anyway. She tries to clear the tension in the air, though that's much easier said than done when it comes to Ellie. She feels embarrassed for seeming so desperate to get a word from Ellie. She mentally bugs herself for it.
Ellie exhales deeply, never quite facing Alaska, "Lead the way." She says with an emotionless tone.
Alaska accepts defeat with the slight slump of her shoulders. She goes up front, leading Junie out of the Jackson walls quickly. Ellie follows closely behind on her own horse. Alaska sighs in awe at the sight of the snow-draped mountains in the distance. She's seen the view a million times, but being outside the walls feels different every time.
Alaska leads Ellie down a shallow stream of water. The scenery is peaceful. The stream sounds like rain as it flows. It provides her with a sense of serenity. Alaska has always liked the winter. She likes the lack of color, and the voided silence, and she kind of likes the way the cold feels on her skin.
Ellie and Alaska had been riding their horses in silence for most of the ride, unless one of them spoke up about the route. Alaska hates it. She deeply wishes to break the silence— to crack a joke or something, like they used to when they were fifteen. She can't bare the silence anymore. But Ellie won't say anything.
Alaska would be fine with the silence if it was a comfortable one. But it very much isn't. It's an awkward silence. Or maybe it's just Alaska that thinks so. She wishes to know what Ellie is thinking. Alaska is so distracted by her thoughts that she almost doesn't realize how the air was more silent than usual. She turns her head to see that Ellie had fallen slightly behind.
"This way," Alaska mutters slightly, only so Ellie could hear. Ellie seems stuck in her head, too. "We're almost there." Alaska barely grins to ease the tension.
Ellie looks into Alaska's eyes for the first time in a long time and, for a moment, Alaska might've believed that her best friend would come back to her. She could've sworn that there was something Ellie wanted to say. But Ellie's silent nod proves Alaska wrong.
Alaska turns her head forward, exhaling and dropping her shoulders again in defeat. She decides that she can't bare the silence any longer. "You're gonna have to speak to me, eventually." She speaks up, suddenly feeling annoyed. "Patrols only work if we actually interact, y'know, like normal humans do."
Once again, with no surprise, Ellie stays entirely silent. Even a groan of annoyance would've made Alaska hopeful for some progress. It feels like talking to a wall.
Alaska sighs, "God, this is worse than Seth's fucking apology." She mutters to herself.
Ellie scoffs, "Nothing's worse than that asshole's apology." She says loud enough for just the two to hear, shaking her head with disapproval.
A smile stitches itself onto Alaska's face. Success. She turns her head back in Ellie's direction and chuckles lightly. "Yeah, I guess you're right." She shrugs. "I mean, the audacity. He clearly meant every word he said last night." Alaska rambles on, finally getting the feeling off her chest.
"Yeah..." Ellie mutters in agreement.
There's a short silence. Alaska is secretly thankful for the lack of silence she has been awaiting for years.
Ellie clears her throat, "So, uh, you and Dina. Is that a thing, or...?" She asks awkwardly, making Alaska laugh under her breath.
Of all things, this is what Ellie chooses to bring up and talk about. Great choice of small talk, Alaska thinks.
"No, we're not a thing." Alaska chuckles. "I mean, for all I know, she's just counting down the days to get back with Jesse." She says.
Ellie looks away and nods in response, still not speaking much. Of course, Alaska doesn't expect Ellie to magically start speaking to her. In fact, this short, almost non-existent, conversation is more than what Alaska had ever expected for today's patrol.
"So..." Alaska clicks her tongue. "What about you and Cat? Is that still a thing?" She asks, reciprocating the sudden straight-up question that Ellie had asked.
Ellie shakes her head, "No. That ended a long time ago." She says.
Alaska's eyebrows curl together, "Really?" She thinks out loud. "Hm. You were cute together." She mutters.
Ellie shrugs, "We're too different." She speaks casually with little emotion. "We're better off as friends."
"Yeah, I get that." Alaska nods. "She gave me a sick tattoo, though." She looks at Ellie and grins knowingly.
Ellie scoffs, "No way." She shakes her head in disbelief. "Since when?" She narrows her eyes.
"Since last year. On my birthday." Alaska shrugs proudly. "Maria almost killed me." She laughs.
"Yeah, I bet." Ellie mumbles.
Alaska could've sworn that the ghost of a smile appeared at the end of Ellie's lips. Suddenly, Alaska feels like her best friend had never left in the first place. Just for that short moment— perhaps a moment she would never get again— Alaska feels like Ellie has been there all along. It's a strange feeling.
And, in some sense of course, Ellie had been there. That is, physically. Everywhere that Alaska would turn, Ellie stood somewhere in the distance. It's hard to avoid people in Jackson, no matter how hard you try. Though, Alaska didn't put in much effort to avoid Ellie at all. She doesn't know if Ellie does. She hopes not. This feeling, though, is different. Now, she feels as though Ellie is really there— speaking to her, acknowledging her, being exactly as significant in her life as she used to be. It feels like a fever dream.
Alaska exhales deeply, desperate to escape the thoughts that claw their way to the surface. To her luck, they had finally arrived to their destination. "We're here." Alaska sighs, secretly hoping that Ellie wouldn't stay too quiet.
After all, if they're on patrols, speaking is sort of essential.
It's all Jesse's fault, Alaska thinks as she unties Junie. Ellie now stands next to her— close than before, Alaska notices. She watches and waits as Ellie takes care of Shimmer and it reminds her of the countless times she and Ellie had snuck out of Jackson with their horses.
Alaska climbs up a set of deteriorating stairs to the second floor, feeling Ellie's presence linger in the short space behind her. Alaska leans against an open wall, looking down at the view with an admiring silence. Ellie stands next to her after a few moments. The silence doesn't seem so bad anymore. All Alaska could do is look at each tiny building and each snow-covered mountain in the vast distance.
Alaska looks to Ellie, "It's nice, isn't it?" she asks.
Ellie doesn't look at her just yet, as if avoiding the certain look in Alaska's eyes. "Yeah, it's pretty nice." She agrees before abruptly clearing her throat. "Where do we sign in?" She says as she steps away from where Alaska had been standing.
Alaska takes that as a signal to step away from the scenery, leading Ellie to the sign-in book. "C'mon," she speaks softly, motioning her head.
After signing in, Alaska and Ellie take the time to look around the place for anything that could be useful to the people in Jackson— or for themselves. Alaska looks through some drawers while Ellie shifts around the opposite side of the room.
Alaska opens and closes countless drawers, growing slightly more annoyed every time she'd see that it was completely empty. That is, until she opens one and finds an old cassette tape inside of it. The cassette isn't addressed to anyone and it doesn't have any song titles on it. Alaska guesses that it must be pretty old. But cassette tapes are something that Alaska is very fond of, so she doesn't really care about the condition it's in.
"No way!" Alaska exclaims excitedly, pulling the cassette tape out of the drawer and up into the air. She instantly faces Ellie's direction. "C'mon, what are the odds of me finding one of these here?" She smiles.
Ellie shakes her head amusingly, "You still collect those things?" She asks, although she probably already knows the answer.
Alaska shrugs enthusiastically, "Course I do." She grins, exposing dimples on each of her cheeks. "I'm keeping it," she speaks quickly and races to place it inside her backpack.
After a short while, Alaska and Ellie have finally come to the conclusion that there isn't much of anything in this place— much less anything of any use. So, they get back on their horses and continue the route to the next stop.
The pair travels in silence, the only difference being that Alaska isn't desperate for conversation anymore. The silence isn't loud and it isn't unbearable. The silence carries the sounds of the snow as they trudge over it, and the trees as the breeze blows through them, and the streams of water that lead to nowhere in particular.
Then, Alaska and Ellie decide to stop and take a look around an evacuated neighborhood. All of the houses and mobile homes are vacant and practically falling to pieces. The neighborhood looks like a total ghost town, almost buried under the snow, but the discarded homes could be worth looking through.
Scavenging one house in particular, Alaska looks through the kitchen cupboards and Ellie looks through the wooden shelves by the television. Ellie's eyes wander upon the movies displayed on the shelves and she finally decides to break the silence first this time.
"I was thinking of inviting Joel to watch a movie." Ellie says casually, picking up one of the many movie boxes and mindlessly reading the title.
Alaska closes one of the cupboards and turns to face Ellie. "That's great," she says with newfound hope. Ellie and Joel hadn't spoken in years and Alaska knows that they miss each other, even if Ellie is too stubborn to admit it. "So you talked it out last night?" She asks.
Ellie replies with a silent shrug, seemingly hesitant to talk about it.
Alaska can't help but feel a sting in her chest. She doesn't really know why. She's more than glad that Ellie and Joel are finally speaking and have finally figured out whatever feelings have been buried for the past two years. But another part of Alaska just feels... jealous, maybe? She wishes that Ellie could've spoken to her about it too.
Alaska knows that Ellie and Joel might never have the same relationship as they did when Ellie was fifteen, but just the fact that they were willing to try to fix things is enough. Alaska wants to try to fix things with Ellie. More than anything. She just has to wait for Ellie to be willing to open herself up too.
Alaska blinks her thoughts away, "I'm sure he'd really love that." She nods her head in approval, offering a slight smile.
Ellie's stare lingers. Alaska doesn't know if she likes that. It feels like there's so many unsaid words— so many emotions to get off their chests, yet they remain captured inside their minds and sewn lips. Just one look, and everything around Alaska vanishes into thin air. All she can think about is the words she wishes to say, but never does.
4482 words.
THANK GOD FOR fdedstars i was so stuck on some of the dialogue but she helped me hella, so this chapter's for you <3
homoerotic friendships between young girls make me wanna kill myselfffff (i'm projecting)